If I were an Atheist

[Mudhammam]

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Haven't seen you in a while. Hello! I used to go back and forth between some notion of an omnipresent Eye and atheism because I thought it offered solace somehow... like a heavenly father or Santa Clause figure... until I couldn't figure how it offered me anything except a weak justification to hold onto wishful thinking while denying the evidence of reality. I'm glad you're doing well Deidre but could you perhaps elaborate on what difference deism makes in your life and why you feel that wasn't available as an atheist? Maybe make a new post about it? I genuinely don't get it.

Well, my grandmother died a few months ago. She was a very powerful source in my life. She became ill about a year ago, and that's when I began wrestling with 'my atheism.' Not from a logical view, but emotionally. My grandmother was a staunch Catholic and had hoped me to 'find God' again, after she died. But, it wasn't so much her religious influence, but rather I was religious for far longer than I ever identified as an atheist. It's hard to shake that theistic residue, in terms of a world view, if you will. But, be it as it may, I don't believe in any 'holy book' anymore, although there are sacred traditions of Christianity that I sometimes miss. The sense of belonging and so forth. Having said that, I find Deism to be more about reason, than mere feelings. It doesn't require a lot from me, other than to stay open to the possibility of a Creator existing. I think I've always felt this way, as an atheist. There was always this part of me that couldn't fully commit to atheism, even though I do think atheism is a natural conclusion one comes to, and not so much a choice.

Over the past few months, I've realized that a lot of my inner struggles came from my grandmother's death. I see that. I know it plays a huge part in why I didn't feel comforted for lack of a better word, as an atheist.

Religion and faith...and spirituality and all of it, really is about emotions. I never felt good about trying to ''prove'' that a God exists, as a Christian, for there is no objective proof. But, there is comfort, if you wish to seek it. No one knows if a deity exists or not for certain, but I can hope in one. That is what Deism offers to me and it offers a strange bit of comfort during my grieving process right now.

How will I feel 6 months from now? Hard to say. But, for now...this is where I am. Hope that helps.

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I totally get that and understand what you're going through in terms of grasping onto something that resembles your past faith to comfort you in your loss. I was in that same space for a couple of years before I reached the point where I'm at today. I will just suggest this, since this was my experience: if you're able to disconnect the emotional attachment to God from the intellectual inquiry, you might find, as I did, that whether God exists or not has zero effect on the pain you must endure or how you will react it, if nothing else because a God who is worthy of the title and/or our supplications---and/or whether they're offered in the context of speaking simply to ourselves, Luck, Fate, Zeus, or Jesus---surely can't be so petty to care if you believe in him/her/it or not.