Feeling pretty gutted

[MTL]

Very true.

In my case,

---

I put my life on hold to help a family member with a risky dream of theirs.

My mother pestered me, and my sisters, for over 10 years, to help her launch a business.

We all said 'no' because we felt it was a terrible idea....but she never accepted 'no' for an answer.

Finally, I capitulated, at age 29.

I agreed to help for a total of no more than 3 years,
but made allowances for delays beyond their control,
and gave it 6 years of my life.

My sister was also repeatedly given the chance to move home and help,
but declined...rather ungraciously.

This, despite the fact that she constantly complains about her life, away from home,
and runs away from it whenever possible, to stay at my parents' house,
which she treats as a vacation house.

She has always resented me, and didn't want to find me there, when she came home,
so she outright FORBADE my parents to have me move home.

(but then accuses ME of "telling Mom and Dad what they can and cannot do with their own house",
....whenever I suggest a solution to a problem that Mom complains about).

However, I moved home anyways, because they needed my help.

For the four years of delays while I lived under their roof,
waiting for the roadblocks to be cleared out of the way,
I paid them room & board.

My sister visited every other weekend, contributed nothing, criticized everything,
and left a mess behind her every time.

(NOTE: At that point in time,
I was still caught in a pattern
of trying very hard to get my sister's approval and acceptance,
and was bending over backwards to bond with her...no joke...
buying her groceries and bottles of wine, sympathizing while she bitched about her boss, renting her movies only to have her refuse to watch them, even writing down funny anecdotes of dialogue between Mom and Dad, to share with her...

...to no avail.

She continued to resent me,
and endeavored to turn Mom against me and get me kicked out.

She didn't even care what would happen to my parent's new business, or their finances,
if she succeeded in getting rid of me...because they were counting on my help

YET she kept trying to brainwash Mom into believing that SHE was "on my Mom's side"
against big bad MTL...who was "trying to take advantage of you".).

Before the Grand Opening, my sister grew desperate to thwart the plan,
even issuing my mother an extremely presumptuous Ultimatum, that she had no business issuing,

and even tried to call the cops on me, claiming that I had threatened self-harm,
which I have never done in my life.

Meanwhile, she did NOTHING to help.  Not one damn thing.

Anyway,

Once the way was clear and we launched the project,
I gave up my job, my car, my social life and my autonomy,
to work full-time at the business for 2 years, FOR FREE,

AND I also sank the last of my savings into the business because my parents were strapped for cash.

Because we couldn't afford staff, I was doing the work of at least 4 people.

(my mother was a middle child, like my sister,
and always hated her own older sister...my aunt.

I have the misfortune of not only being the eldest,
but also physically resembling my aunt.

So while my mom loves me...she still favours my sister.  Always has.

I hate my aunt, because she is dishonest and takes money from my grandmother.

By comparison, I not only worked for free, but also put the last of my savings
...several thousand...INTO my parents' business.

Yet, to my disgust, I am unfairly compared to my aunt, all the time,
simply due to physical resemblance and birth order.

To add insult to injury,
I defend my mother against the bullying tactics of my aunt,
which my mom frequently forgets about).

At the end of two years, I was finally able to step back,
and I promptly suffered a full nervous breakdown.

For 10 days I was INCAPACITATED
and I didn't physically recover for two months.

It was 6 months before I could make it through a whole day without crying at least once,
and it was a year before I really felt like myself again.

I offered to leave, no questions asked,
to appease my sister.


It was at that time that my parents suggested that I go back to school, while still living at home,
since my plans to do so, years ago, had been put on hold.

I did so, and consistently came back with high marks.

My sister, meanwhile, got pregnant with the first grandchild.

I hugged her, congratulated her, planned her baby shower, got her a nice gift, and helped with the baby for the whole first year...during which she was home, pretty well constantly.

But she was LIVID that I was living at home and going to school,

(nevermind that SHE WAS LIVING RENT-FREE IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO FOR THREE YEARS
at the house of an old man who owed her nothing,
while she was fully capable of supporting herself).

And so she has continually interrupted my studies by trying to persuade my mother to kick me out,
...holding the grandchild as collateral.

Moreover she refuses to let me defend my situation,
and she refused to be accountable for ANY OF HER PAST WRONGS TOWARD ME, OR TOWARD OUR PARENTS,
and insists that I'm a loser who deserves no respect whatsoever.

She says she'll respect me when I move out on my own again

....but I lived on my own all through my 20s...and she didn't respect me back then, either.

(In fact, for awhile I was supporting a boyfriend who was sick with cancer,
even though I didn't want to be with him anymore,
because he had no-one else

...during the same time she was living rent-free in Toronto).

---

But you're right....it's possible that I haven't tried nearly hard enough.

While your sister may be nastier, it sounds like your mom's really the one who's used you. 

Just cut your losses and get out. 

You can only be a victim if you let them.

I AGREED to help my mother, though, and it's not like my parents haven't sacrificed a lot for their kids, too.

The problem is that my mother is now conflicted:

she WANTS me to go to school; she wants to sort of compensate me for the time I've invested in her business;

but she also doesn't want to risk incensing my petulant sister, and then not see her grandchild, as a result.

My mother shouldn't let my sister manipulate her, no matter what...that is true.
Mom has had the power to shut my sister down, no matter what, from the beginning,
and declined to.

But my sister is the MALICIOUS one.

and your suggestion to "just get out" would be one I would agree with....IN SPADES...

EXCEPT there are STILL OTHER FACTORS which you are not privy to,
which are really just too personal for me to disclose.

I've already disclosed way more than I originally intended to.

The point is, my living here would be FINE for both me, and my parents,
and there would be nothing wrong with it;

EXCEPT for the chip on my sister's shoulder.  And it's not like she even has a right to an opinion on the issue.

And she wouldn't have so much clout, even as the favourite,
were it not for the grandchild.

So my depression is due to the fact that an otherwise mutually agreeable situation
is being imperiled because of a busybody;

AND because I really have tried hard to be there for my family,
and to earn respect over the years,
and bond with my sister,
and I was willing to forget all her past wrongs against me, if she would only improve in the future...

...but nothing I do is enough for her.

What breaks my heart is that she seems to want ME to believe, MYSELF, that I am a loser.

After awhile, I begin to feel like,

if my sister hates me so much, no matter what,
and there's nothing I can ever do to earn respect;

it makes me wonder if other people see me the same way.

And so I begin to feel a little bit hopeless, sometimes.