Feeling pretty gutted

[MTL]

So you were fortunate enough to be the right kind of person and be given the right circumstances to see this as a great opportunity. Good for you. Some people aren't so fortunate and may see it as a great sacrifice instead depending on what they're going through.

Did you know every individual responds to the same thing differently depending on their temperament? Or do you only see things from your own perspective, failing to empathize with the fact that people will think differently from you?

I think many people fall back on their "temperament" as an excuse for why they can't work hard to improve their circumstances.

Very true.

In my case,

---

I put my life on hold to help a family member with a risky dream of theirs.

My mother pestered me, and my sisters, for over 10 years, to help her launch a business.

We all said 'no' because we felt it was a terrible idea....but she never accepted 'no' for an answer.

Finally, I capitulated, at age 29.

I agreed to help for a total of no more than 3 years,
but made allowances for delays beyond their control,
and gave it 6 years of my life.

My sister was also repeatedly given the chance to move home and help,
but declined...rather ungraciously.

This, despite the fact that she constantly complains about her life, away from home,
and runs away from it whenever possible, to stay at my parents' house,
which she treats as a vacation house.

She has always resented me, and didn't want to find me there, when she came home,
so she outright FORBADE my parents to have me move home.

(but then accuses ME of "telling Mom and Dad what they can and cannot do with their own house",
....whenever I suggest a solution to a problem that Mom complains about).

However, I moved home anyways, because they needed my help.

For the four years of delays while I lived under their roof,
waiting for the roadblocks to be cleared out of the way,
I paid them room & board.

My sister visited every other weekend, contributed nothing, criticized everything,
and left a mess behind her every time.

(NOTE: At that point in time,
I was still caught in a pattern
of trying very hard to get my sister's approval and acceptance,
and was bending over backwards to bond with her...no joke...
buying her groceries and bottles of wine, sympathizing while she bitched about her boss, renting her movies only to have her refuse to watch them, even writing down funny anecdotes of dialogue between Mom and Dad, to share with her...

...to no avail.

She continued to resent me,
and endeavored to turn Mom against me and get me kicked out.

She didn't even care what would happen to my parent's new business, or their finances,
if she succeeded in getting rid of me...because they were counting on my help

YET she kept trying to brainwash Mom into believing that SHE was "on my Mom's side"
against big bad MTL...who was "trying to take advantage of you".).

Before the Grand Opening, my sister grew desperate to thwart the plan,
even issuing my mother an extremely presumptuous Ultimatum, that she had no business issuing,

and even tried to call the cops on me, claiming that I had threatened self-harm,
which I have never done in my life.

Meanwhile, she did NOTHING to help.  Not one damn thing.

Anyway,

Once the way was clear and we launched the project,
I gave up my job, my car, my social life and my autonomy,
to work full-time at the business for 2 years, FOR FREE,

AND I also sank the last of my savings into the business because my parents were strapped for cash.

Because we couldn't afford staff, I was doing the work of at least 4 people.

(my mother was a middle child, like my sister,
and always hated her own older sister...my aunt.

I have the misfortune of not only being the eldest,
but also physically resembling my aunt.

So while my mom loves me...she still favours my sister.  Always has.

I hate my aunt, because she is dishonest and takes money from my grandmother.

By comparison, I not only worked for free, but also put the last of my savings
...several thousand...INTO my parents' business.

Yet, to my disgust, I am unfairly compared to my aunt, all the time,
simply due to physical resemblance and birth order.

To add insult to injury,
I defend my mother against the bullying tactics of my aunt,
which my mom frequently forgets about).

At the end of two years, I was finally able to step back,
and I promptly suffered a full nervous breakdown.

For 10 days I was INCAPACITATED
and I didn't physically recover for two months.

It was 6 months before I could make it through a whole day without crying at least once,
and it was a year before I really felt like myself again.

I offered to leave, no questions asked,
to appease my sister.


It was at that time that my parents suggested that I go back to school, while still living at home,
since my plans to do so, years ago, had been put on hold.

I did so, and consistently came back with high marks.

My sister, meanwhile, got pregnant with the first grandchild.

I hugged her, congratulated her, planned her baby shower, got her a nice gift, and helped with the baby for the whole first year...during which she was home, pretty well constantly.

But she was LIVID that I was living at home and going to school,

(nevermind that SHE WAS LIVING RENT-FREE IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO FOR THREE YEARS
at the house of an old man who owed her nothing,
while she was fully capable of supporting herself).

And so she has continually interrupted my studies by trying to persuade my mother to kick me out,
...holding the grandchild as collateral.

Moreover she refuses to let me defend my situation,
and she refused to be accountable for ANY OF HER PAST WRONGS TOWARD ME, OR TOWARD OUR PARENTS,
and insists that I'm a loser who deserves no respect whatsoever.

She says she'll respect me when I move out on my own again

....but I lived on my own all through my 20s...and she didn't respect me back then, either.

(In fact, for awhile I was supporting a boyfriend who was sick with cancer,
even though I didn't want to be with him anymore,
because he had no-one else

...during the same time she was living rent-free in Toronto).

---

But you're right....it's possible that I haven't tried nearly hard enough.

[MTL]

Some have suggested a therapist, you say that you can't afford it. That is understandable.

OK, have you considered any self help/group therapy? The cost is minimal. There seem to be quite a few in your area. Might be worth at least checking out.

Just don't do the "Fight Club" thing. (hehe)

I'm currently looking into counseling options provided through my college.

Thank you for the suggestion; it's a good idea.

[brewer]

Some have suggested a therapist, you say that you can't afford it. That is understandable.

OK, have you considered any self help/group therapy? The cost is minimal. There seem to be quite a few in your area. Might be worth at least checking out.

Just don't do the "Fight Club" thing. (hehe)

I'm currently looking into counseling options provided through my college.

Thank you for the suggestion; it's a good idea.

Do I need to wash my hands, butt, whole body or just brains?

[Edit] Never mind. Old fart just got it.

[MTL]

Thank you!  lol

[brewer]

Yeah, tried to fix before you caught it. Old fart reflexes.

[MTL]

If you want to PM me the full version, I'd be happy to read it if it would help

From everything I've read from you, I'd be extremely surprised if your assessment of the situation wasn't accurate. Your sister sounds like a horrible, jealous person. I know how cutting family ties can be a lot easier said than done, I'm caught in some myself with people I'd rather be rid of.

I hope you'll be OK, I'm here if I can do anything to help

you are a darling, Rob.  Thank you.  I have now posted pretty much the nuts and bolts of the story in Post #71.

[John V]

I think many people fall back on their "temperament" as an excuse for why they can't work hard to improve their circumstances.

Very true.

In my case,

---

I put my life on hold to help a family member with a risky dream of theirs.

My mother pestered me, and my sisters, for over 10 years, to help her launch a business.

We all said 'no' because we felt it was a terrible idea....but she never accepted 'no' for an answer.

Finally, I capitulated, at age 29.

I agreed to help for a total of no more than 3 years,
but made allowances for delays beyond their control,
and gave it 6 years of my life.

My sister was also repeatedly given the chance to move home and help,
but declined...rather ungraciously.

This, despite the fact that she constantly complains about her life, away from home,
and runs away from it whenever possible, to stay at my parents' house,
which she treats as a vacation house.

She has always resented me, and didn't want to find me there, when she came home,
so she outright FORBADE my parents to have me move home.

(but then accuses ME of "telling Mom and Dad what they can and cannot do with their own house",
....whenever I suggest a solution to a problem that Mom complains about).

However, I moved home anyways, because they needed my help.

For the four years of delays while I lived under their roof,
waiting for the roadblocks to be cleared out of the way,
I paid them room & board.

My sister visited every other weekend, contributed nothing, criticized everything,
and left a mess behind her every time.

(NOTE: At that point in time,
I was still caught in a pattern
of trying very hard to get my sister's approval and acceptance,
and was bending over backwards to bond with her...no joke...
buying her groceries and bottles of wine, sympathizing while she bitched about her boss, renting her movies only to have her refuse to watch them, even writing down funny anecdotes of dialogue between Mom and Dad, to share with her...

...to no avail.

She continued to resent me,
and endeavored to turn Mom against me and get me kicked out.

She didn't even care what would happen to my parent's new business, or their finances,
if she succeeded in getting rid of me...because they were counting on my help

YET she kept trying to brainwash Mom into believing that SHE was "on my Mom's side"
against big bad MTL...who was "trying to take advantage of you".).

Before the Grand Opening, my sister grew desperate to thwart the plan,
even issuing my mother an extremely presumptuous Ultimatum, that she had no business issuing,

and even tried to call the cops on me, claiming that I had threatened self-harm,
which I have never done in my life.

Meanwhile, she did NOTHING to help.  Not one damn thing.

Anyway,

Once the way was clear and we launched the project,
I gave up my job, my car, my social life and my autonomy,
to work full-time at the business for 2 years, FOR FREE,

AND I also sank the last of my savings into the business because my parents were strapped for cash.

Because we couldn't afford staff, I was doing the work of at least 4 people.

(my mother was a middle child, like my sister,
and always hated her own older sister...my aunt.

I have the misfortune of not only being the eldest,
but also physically resembling my aunt.

So while my mom loves me...she still favours my sister.  Always has.

I hate my aunt, because she is dishonest and takes money from my grandmother.

By comparison, I not only worked for free, but also put the last of my savings
...several thousand...INTO my parents' business.

Yet, to my disgust, I am unfairly compared to my aunt, all the time,
simply due to physical resemblance and birth order.

To add insult to injury,
I defend my mother against the bullying tactics of my aunt,
which my mom frequently forgets about).

At the end of two years, I was finally able to step back,
and I promptly suffered a full nervous breakdown.

For 10 days I was INCAPACITATED
and I didn't physically recover for two months.

It was 6 months before I could make it through a whole day without crying at least once,
and it was a year before I really felt like myself again.

I offered to leave, no questions asked,
to appease my sister.


It was at that time that my parents suggested that I go back to school, while still living at home,
since my plans to do so, years ago, had been put on hold.

I did so, and consistently came back with high marks.

My sister, meanwhile, got pregnant with the first grandchild.

I hugged her, congratulated her, planned her baby shower, got her a nice gift, and helped with the baby for the whole first year...during which she was home, pretty well constantly.

But she was LIVID that I was living at home and going to school,

(nevermind that SHE WAS LIVING RENT-FREE IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO FOR THREE YEARS
at the house of an old man who owed her nothing,
while she was fully capable of supporting herself).

And so she has continually interrupted my studies by trying to persuade my mother to kick me out,
...holding the grandchild as collateral.

Moreover she refuses to let me defend my situation,
and she refused to be accountable for ANY OF HER PAST WRONGS TOWARD ME, OR TOWARD OUR PARENTS,
and insists that I'm a loser who deserves no respect whatsoever.

She says she'll respect me when I move out on my own again

....but I lived on my own all through my 20s...and she didn't respect me back then, either.

(In fact, for awhile I was supporting a boyfriend who was sick with cancer,
even though I didn't want to be with him anymore,
because he had no-one else

...during the same time she was living rent-free in Toronto).

---

But you're right....it's possible that I haven't tried nearly hard enough.

While your sister may be nastier, it sounds like your mom's really the one who's used you. 

Just cut your losses and get out. 

You can only be a victim if you let them.

[MTL]

Very true.

In my case,

---

I put my life on hold to help a family member with a risky dream of theirs.

My mother pestered me, and my sisters, for over 10 years, to help her launch a business.

We all said 'no' because we felt it was a terrible idea....but she never accepted 'no' for an answer.

Finally, I capitulated, at age 29.

I agreed to help for a total of no more than 3 years,
but made allowances for delays beyond their control,
and gave it 6 years of my life.

My sister was also repeatedly given the chance to move home and help,
but declined...rather ungraciously.

This, despite the fact that she constantly complains about her life, away from home,
and runs away from it whenever possible, to stay at my parents' house,
which she treats as a vacation house.

She has always resented me, and didn't want to find me there, when she came home,
so she outright FORBADE my parents to have me move home.

(but then accuses ME of "telling Mom and Dad what they can and cannot do with their own house",
....whenever I suggest a solution to a problem that Mom complains about).

However, I moved home anyways, because they needed my help.

For the four years of delays while I lived under their roof,
waiting for the roadblocks to be cleared out of the way,
I paid them room & board.

My sister visited every other weekend, contributed nothing, criticized everything,
and left a mess behind her every time.

(NOTE: At that point in time,
I was still caught in a pattern
of trying very hard to get my sister's approval and acceptance,
and was bending over backwards to bond with her...no joke...
buying her groceries and bottles of wine, sympathizing while she bitched about her boss, renting her movies only to have her refuse to watch them, even writing down funny anecdotes of dialogue between Mom and Dad, to share with her...

...to no avail.

She continued to resent me,
and endeavored to turn Mom against me and get me kicked out.

She didn't even care what would happen to my parent's new business, or their finances,
if she succeeded in getting rid of me...because they were counting on my help

YET she kept trying to brainwash Mom into believing that SHE was "on my Mom's side"
against big bad MTL...who was "trying to take advantage of you".).

Before the Grand Opening, my sister grew desperate to thwart the plan,
even issuing my mother an extremely presumptuous Ultimatum, that she had no business issuing,

and even tried to call the cops on me, claiming that I had threatened self-harm,
which I have never done in my life.

Meanwhile, she did NOTHING to help.  Not one damn thing.

Anyway,

Once the way was clear and we launched the project,
I gave up my job, my car, my social life and my autonomy,
to work full-time at the business for 2 years, FOR FREE,

AND I also sank the last of my savings into the business because my parents were strapped for cash.

Because we couldn't afford staff, I was doing the work of at least 4 people.

(my mother was a middle child, like my sister,
and always hated her own older sister...my aunt.

I have the misfortune of not only being the eldest,
but also physically resembling my aunt.

So while my mom loves me...she still favours my sister.  Always has.

I hate my aunt, because she is dishonest and takes money from my grandmother.

By comparison, I not only worked for free, but also put the last of my savings
...several thousand...INTO my parents' business.

Yet, to my disgust, I am unfairly compared to my aunt, all the time,
simply due to physical resemblance and birth order.

To add insult to injury,
I defend my mother against the bullying tactics of my aunt,
which my mom frequently forgets about).

At the end of two years, I was finally able to step back,
and I promptly suffered a full nervous breakdown.

For 10 days I was INCAPACITATED
and I didn't physically recover for two months.

It was 6 months before I could make it through a whole day without crying at least once,
and it was a year before I really felt like myself again.

I offered to leave, no questions asked,
to appease my sister.


It was at that time that my parents suggested that I go back to school, while still living at home,
since my plans to do so, years ago, had been put on hold.

I did so, and consistently came back with high marks.

My sister, meanwhile, got pregnant with the first grandchild.

I hugged her, congratulated her, planned her baby shower, got her a nice gift, and helped with the baby for the whole first year...during which she was home, pretty well constantly.

But she was LIVID that I was living at home and going to school,

(nevermind that SHE WAS LIVING RENT-FREE IN DOWNTOWN TORONTO FOR THREE YEARS
at the house of an old man who owed her nothing,
while she was fully capable of supporting herself).

And so she has continually interrupted my studies by trying to persuade my mother to kick me out,
...holding the grandchild as collateral.

Moreover she refuses to let me defend my situation,
and she refused to be accountable for ANY OF HER PAST WRONGS TOWARD ME, OR TOWARD OUR PARENTS,
and insists that I'm a loser who deserves no respect whatsoever.

She says she'll respect me when I move out on my own again

....but I lived on my own all through my 20s...and she didn't respect me back then, either.

(In fact, for awhile I was supporting a boyfriend who was sick with cancer,
even though I didn't want to be with him anymore,
because he had no-one else

...during the same time she was living rent-free in Toronto).

---

But you're right....it's possible that I haven't tried nearly hard enough.

While your sister may be nastier, it sounds like your mom's really the one who's used you. 

Just cut your losses and get out. 

You can only be a victim if you let them.

I AGREED to help my mother, though, and it's not like my parents haven't sacrificed a lot for their kids, too.

The problem is that my mother is now conflicted:

she WANTS me to go to school; she wants to sort of compensate me for the time I've invested in her business;

but she also doesn't want to risk incensing my petulant sister, and then not see her grandchild, as a result.

My mother shouldn't let my sister manipulate her, no matter what...that is true.
Mom has had the power to shut my sister down, no matter what, from the beginning,
and declined to.

But my sister is the MALICIOUS one.

and your suggestion to "just get out" would be one I would agree with....IN SPADES...

EXCEPT there are STILL OTHER FACTORS which you are not privy to,
which are really just too personal for me to disclose.

I've already disclosed way more than I originally intended to.

The point is, my living here would be FINE for both me, and my parents,
and there would be nothing wrong with it;

EXCEPT for the chip on my sister's shoulder.  And it's not like she even has a right to an opinion on the issue.

And she wouldn't have so much clout, even as the favourite,
were it not for the grandchild.

So my depression is due to the fact that an otherwise mutually agreeable situation
is being imperiled because of a busybody;

AND because I really have tried hard to be there for my family,
and to earn respect over the years,
and bond with my sister,
and I was willing to forget all her past wrongs against me, if she would only improve in the future...

...but nothing I do is enough for her.

What breaks my heart is that she seems to want ME to believe, MYSELF, that I am a loser.

After awhile, I begin to feel like,

if my sister hates me so much, no matter what,
and there's nothing I can ever do to earn respect;

it makes me wonder if other people see me the same way.

And so I begin to feel a little bit hopeless, sometimes.

[Rhondazvous]

Your sister sounds like a bitch you need to slap across the face really hard.

She is a bitch.  I'd love to slap her.  But that's just what she wants.
She wants to be able to tell people that I'm "abusive" if she can succeed in pushing me beyond my limits.

It's very important that I not lose my temper.

Hey sister. You know you have my absolute support and love. I just saw this thread and it seems like we have had some of the same experiences. I haven’t read all 7 pages and can’t really offer more than shot in the dark advice without knowing more about what’s going on.

However, on reading this, I had to say something. My sister is bipolar. there have been times when she and others have tried to do the same thing your sister is doing—make me feel isolated, like she can do what she wants but if I so much as raise an eyebrow or wiggle my nose everybody will blame me and be on her side against me.

Your sister knows you. She knows what your fears are. She’s willing to play k on her insecurities. Only you can change that and play on hers. When I was a kid, if I didn’t want to do what my father told me. He would say “Well it looks like I have to be the bad guy today.” That gave me pause. He wasn’t afraid to be seen as the bad guy. When my niece and nephew didn’t want to do what I said, I’d get my belt and tell them, “You have five. One, two…” My sister would tell me I’m too quick with the belt. Because I had that reputation, I never had to actually hit them and they never let me get to give.

My father was a mental health counselor and I know he would not have tried to give you advice without knowing more about your situation, like what is holding you back? Who are these “innocent parties” who will be hurt if you cut your sister off and why do you feel responsible for them? Have you asked yourself that? Maybe they’re waiting for you to be the strong one and will follow suit. Why are you trying so hard to earn other people’s respect but don’t require them to do shit to earn yours?

[MTL]

Thank you, Rhonda, for that heartfelt message.

you are absolutely right that there is no point in constantly being "decent" to people
who only take advantage of it,
and then give you indecency in return.

As to what you mentioned, about your father being willing to be the "bad guy",
I read a good quote, like that, on the internet, once.

It said:

" If someone hates you for no reason...

...then give them a reason. "

However, at this point, I've decided she is a narcissist or a sociopath or something,
and I'm just going to cut her out of my life.

I like your new pic, btw!