In support of the rage of man

[bennyboy]

Unimportant details, no.

But you damn well know why your wife was so concerned about you leaving the house at the moment...And you've been up here pretending that she was just following you around nagging you over mundane couple stuff.

You've revealed yourself to be quite the liar and master manipulator here, benny, despite your claims of being unable to control your anger. I can only imagine the level of bullshit your family to put up with IRL. What a depressing, bleak, and stressful existence it must be for them.

I feel sorry for your kids.

That's quite the indictment-- you are expressing quite a lot of hatred toward me. I'm assuming that you've been on the other side of this equation, and that in projecting me onto someone you know, you are also projecting your feelings about him onto me. If so, I'm sorry that whatever happened to you happened-- I doubt it will bring you any peace, but I can guarantee you that whatever that guy actually said, inside he already hated himself more than you ever will.

As for my family-- it's not a closed book yet. My kids are fine, my wife is occupied with a job that she enjoys. I'd imagine she wishes we could relate better, but she knows why I'm keeping my distance for now.

I think the most likely scenario is that we just wait for the kids to move on, and then run offices on different continents. We'll see.

---

So the next question, are the defence mechanisms that you have developed still useful? Or are they hampering you now? If it is the latter then it's better to come to terms with why you had to learn those defence mechanisms and feel confident enough to not let them control you. That doesn't mean to say that it will now make you a weak victim again. You can still stand up for yourself. You won't ever forget how. It's about taking back control of your life so you don't get triggered to do something that harms you.

I can't really answer your questions.  Right now, I'd say my sense of self is so fragmented that it's hard even to establish goals.  My wife once asked me what she could do to help.  I told her that I'd had a moment of crisis that brought a lot of things full circle for me, and that I didn't know if I could be helped.

As I have new experiences that are disappointing or disillusioning, and then I look back at my childhood and teen experiences, they are co-supporting-- they seem to validate each other, to kind of draw the net in tighter.  I'm not sure if that makes sense or not-- but it feels like the clearer I see, the more grim things appear.

If I have any defense mechanisms, they are probably a defense against Mr. Hyde ever stepping fully into the light of day.  I don't think Thena has me right in terms of circumstances at the moment, or my effect on my family-- they seem pretty happy, and I think they have lots to be happy about.  I've done a good job sheltering them from both the world and from myself, I think.  But there's always the fear that not very deep under the skin, I'm what people like her think I am.


But enough sob stories about me-- I don't think I'm unusual, except for my willingness to talk about this stuff. I sense that there are a LOT. . . like a tremendous amount. . . of men who feel like trapped animals, and who (whether they actually do it or not) feel they're on the edge of lashing out in ways those around them might find surprising.