jokes

[bozo]

Been absent for a while, wrapped up in tracing my family tree, which has taken up time I spend online.
So here's a couple of gags I've been sent which make me laugh-

A priest says to the Pope " Holy Father, when is it ok to have sex with young boys? " Pope replies that it's ok after they have left school.
" Roll on 4 o'clock " says priest!



My son was thrown out of school today for allowing a girl in his class to give him a blow job.
I said " son, that's 3 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't the career for you after all. "

[Faith No More]

I might have already posted this but here goes anyway...

A preacher dies, and his congregation goes door to door for donations to pay for the funeral. One of the members knocks on a door and an atheist answers.

"Will you donate $5 dollars to help bury a preacher?" asks the congregation member.

"Here's $10," said the atheist, "bury two."

[Ziploc Surprise]

This is Rick Santorums face done up in gay porn.

<snip>

[Minimalist]

True art, there.

[Diamond]

Here's something I haven't told in a while:

A man notices his wife with a suitcase, getting ready to leave the house.
"Where are you going?!" he exclaims.
"Nevada." she answers. "I heard women there get paid $400 to do what I do to you for free."
Suddenly, the man starts packing his own suitcase.
"Where are you going?" his wife asks.
"I'm coming with you." he replies. "I wanna see how you live on $800 a year."

[Minimalist]

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that fucking nun out there again!"
_______________________________________________________________

---

[Napoléon]

This is my favourite knock knock joke:

[Cyberman]

A man rings his wife. "Honey, pack a suitcase. I've just won five miilion on the lottery!"

His wife says, "Oh darling, that's fantastic! Where are we going?"

He says, "I really don't care, as long as you're out of the house by the time I get back from work!"

[mediamogul]

Here's a dirty classic from my area. Maybe you all have heard it too.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits until you are 12 to come on your face.

[Minimalist]

While visiting Rome, an Australian tourist was filming the
Vatican with his new video camera.

He was panning around when he spotted someone having a wank in
the bushes.

He zoomed in closer and was amazed to see that it was the Pope.

Just as the Pope purged his bishop, he spotted the tourist
filming him.

"Jesus Christ!" he groaned.

He ran over to the tourist, he said, "May I buy your camera?"

"No bloody way mate! I just got it at the duty-free." Replied the
Aussie.

"I'll give you $1,000 for it" said the Pope.

"Forget it!" said the Aussie.

"Okay, I'll give you $20,000 for it!" the Pope begged.

"Really?" said the Aussie. "Yeah, all right mate."

Later, an aide saw the Pope carrying the camera and went over
to check it out.

"That's a great camera, Your Holiness, where did you get it?"

"I just bought it from a tourist" said the Pope

"If you don't mind me asking," said the aide, "how much did you
pay for it?"

"$20,000." Replied the Pope.

"Wow!" said the aide, "he must have seen you coming!"