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Post jokes about religion/non religion
#21
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
Four nuns go out on the town and get blitzed. They all end up doing things that you wouldn't expect of a nun. The next day they are feeling terribly guilty and they all go to the Mother Superior's office to confess.

The first nun says, "Mother Superior, I saw a man's penis last night."

The Mother Superior replies, "That's awful! You must absolve yourself of this sin! Go to the basin of holy water in the church and rub the water into your eyes!"

The nun leaves.

The next nun says, "Mother Superior, I touched a man's penis last night."

The Mother Superior replies, "That's even worse! You must go to the basin of holy water and wash your hands in it!"

At this point, one of the remaining nuns bolts for the door. The Mother Superior yells out, "Where do you think you're going?"

The nun replies, "To the basin of holy water! I have to gargle before Sister Mary sits in it!"
Science flies us to the moon and stars. Religion flies us into buildings.

God allowed 200,000 people to die in an earthquake. So what makes you think he cares about YOUR problems?
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#22
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
Q: Why don't churches provide wifi?
A: Catholics don't want an invisible power that actually works.
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#23
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
Here are a few Tongue

The local pedophile got all his windows smashed last night.
There was stained glass everywhere.


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Did you know, if you rearrange the letters in 'religion' it spells 'ngoiilre'?
Yeah, still makes absolutely no sense.

Why don't Catholics use condoms?
Because little boys can't get pregnant.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. - A dusty old book that I found that must be completely true because someone wrote it down.
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#24
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
Q: How do you describe a schizophrenic Zen Buddhist?
A: A man who is at two with the universe.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

this one is rather long-ish, so - spoiler tag


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#25
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.

The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest:"Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

Priest: "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please Father, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know. I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

Bishop: "Mother Superior could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop:"No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it.

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Mother Superior: And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right".

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"
Don’t ask.

Atheist
I Evolved!
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#26
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when they stop for a traffic light. Suddenly, a miniature vampire drops onto their windshield! The vampire is hissing at them and showing his teeth.

"Sister Mary!", cries the nun in the passenger seat, "Get him off the car!"

Sister Mary replies, "What should I do?"

"Turn on the windshield wipers!"

Sister Mary replies, "Good idea!" She flips on the wipers and the mini vampire starts flopping back and forth as he holds on tightly to one of the wipers. He continues to hiss and show his teeth.

Sister Mary cries out, "He's still there! What should I do?"

The other nun shouts, "Hit him with the washer fluid!"

"Good idea!", Sister Mary responds, "I just filled it up with holy water when we stopped at the Vatican!"

Sister Mary hits the washer fluid and the water sprays all over the vampire, causing his skin to sizzle, but he continues to hang on!

"Oh, my god!", cries Sister Mary. "He's still there! What should I do?"

The other nun yells out, "Show him your cross!"

"Sister Mary says, "Good idea!"

She then rolls down her window, leans out and barks, "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR YA LITTLE ASSHOLE!"
Science flies us to the moon and stars. Religion flies us into buildings.

God allowed 200,000 people to die in an earthquake. So what makes you think he cares about YOUR problems?
Reply
#27
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
[Image: 205293_3808545165978_1561456676_n.jpg]
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#28
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
A group of nuns went out one day on their bikes. Before they returned to the monastery, the eldest one said: "Sisters, you have to put your saddles back on now."
When I was young, there was a god with infinite power protecting me. Is there anyone else who felt that way? And was sure about it? but the first time I fell in love, I was thrown down - or maybe I broke free - and I bade farewell to God and became human. Now I don't have God's protection, and I walk on the ground without wings, but I don't regret this hardship. I want to live as a person. -Arina Tanemura

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#29
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
I once saw a billboard that read, "Need help? Call Jesus at 1-800-xxx-xxxx". So I did. Two hours later, a Mexican guy showed up at my house with a lawn mower.
Don’t ask.

Atheist
I Evolved!
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#30
RE: Post jokes about religion/non religion
A reverend is driving home after conducting services one Sunday. Having a taste for wine, he's drinking from a bottle he has wrapped in a brown bag. Suddenly, he sees police lights in his mirror, places the wrapped bottle between his ankles and pulls over.

"Reverend, did you know you swerved across the oncoming lane twice?" the cop says. The reverend shakes his head and sees the cop wrinkle his nose. "Say, Reverend, you been drinkin'?"

"Why, no, officer," the holy man replies.

The cop spots the bag by the reverend's feet. "What's in the bottle there, then?"

"Oh, this?" the reverend asks, "It's just water."

The cop reaches in, takes the bottle, and takes a sip. "Reverend, this here's wine you're drinkin."

The reverend clasps his hands together, looks skyward and proclaims "Good Lord done did it again!"
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