How are you feeling?

[Edwardo Piet]

@ whateverist, thanks for your post and...

I don't wish for a return to my former life and what really feels like a different self.

...same here. Since recovering from my second episode and being on different meds, I feel like a totally different person.

[Angrboda]

I miss the company of dogs. My apartment doesn't allow four legged pets. I could probably work around that, but I'm not even sure I'm fit to care for an animal by myself. My moods, gone all the day, my depressions. I'm afraid the hurt I would cause a human by letting them get too close, but a dog wouldn't be able to take care of their own interests. And in the past year, I've alienated my sisters or something, as they never invite me over any more. So I've missed their dogs, and been completely distant while several of them have passed on. It makes me unhappy with myself. For some reason I can relate to animals. Humans, I can't relate to, but animals, yes. I'm tempted to force the issue with building management by renting an emu.

For lack of a better term, I'm a very well controlled manic. And full blown mania is rare for me, as is hypomania, and both seldom last long. So I still look forward to it. It's still a happy, sexy time for me.

For whatever, when I'm not out of control, totally lost in rage and anger, I'm cold and heartless. I don't have a lot of inbetween. I don't feel much toward people. Not that I dislike them, they just don't interest me. Probably has to do with my childhood. My parents treated me unfairly, and I was acutely aware of it from a young age. On top of that, I developed paranoid delusions early on, about 4-5 years, and wasn't sure that I could trust anyone, and didn't trust my parents (being deaf most of the years leading up to that probably contributed, too). So I rather suspect my insides, relative to caring about others, just isn't built the same way as other people's is built. It doesn't bother me, but it means certain rather strangely isolated social tasks offer me formidable challenges, so I usually simply avoid them. I don't know why I got off on this topic. I guess it's because I don't get affected by the presence or loss of humans as deeply as others. I like that, but it makes me feel ashamed. I feel I'm supposed to care about people, and I just don't.

Anyway, I know what whateverist means about the intellect hit from depression. That is the worst for me. I can deal with the emotional side fairly easily, but the way it makes you feel dumb and not capable, and the way it in fact makes you less capable, is hard. My first episode of major depression, when I was 16-17, my thinking was so impaired, I thought I'd suffered brain damage from too many drugs and too much drinking. I was bad off enough being depressed, but I was also blaming myself for losing the one thing that had always made me different, even special. I was half sad and angry, and half scared about how I was going to face life so steeply impaired. The mental impairments from depression are the sucky suck.

[Edwardo Piet]

A neuro-psychologist who accessed me said I had the symptoms of a head injury. But after a scan I had no signs on my brain of such an injury.

I can relate to the intellect thing too, I have bad concentration and am easily distracted because of my mood. (and also my OCD). I also have low confidence so ask obvious questions when if I had a greater level of confidence I'd probably seem more intelligent because I'd probably just state what is often the correct answer. I have low confidence because I'm afraid of making the stupid mistakes that I often make, and I often make stupid mistakes because when my confidence isn't too low - it's too high.

Personally, all my episodes are mixed really. I'm a very ambivalent person.

[KichigaiNeko]

*Very bad*

And I have no idea why. All tests confirm healthy adult female, and still feel lacklustre tired and drained.

Note to self...Stop reading religious nutjobs email and forum post...leads to depression.

[JohnDG]

Lately my life has been going pretty sour lately, I might be going homeless soon once again. It's my fault really I'm doing the same thing for money I've done since I was 16 and it isn't legal work so my job history is 0.. Now I can't get an actual job and the family I live with are facing a large amount of debt. There will also be nobody to take care of our special ed family member and she's not capable doing anything. I pay for food and help with minor shit but I can't help this household with a 30k debt.

I was supposed to enroll into college for 2013, but our grandparents are dying and the house is underwater, there is a special person to take care of and my aunt is inheriting the house I lived in for the last 2 years and I feel obligated to help. I just don't know what to do and there is no more family to help or would be willing to help.

[festive1]

I have low confidence because I'm afraid of making the stupid mistakes that I often make, and I often make stupid mistakes because when my confidence isn't too low - it's too high.

It helps me to not bash myself. When I make a stupid mistake, there's an automatic "voice" (not an actual voice, more a thought process) telling me that I'm stupid or what I just did was stupid. I'm learning to counter that, replacing "stupid" for "human" helps me. We all make mistakes, even very smart, intelligent people. We're all just human beings, and human beings of all stripes make stupid mistakes everyday. Forcing myself to remember that no one gets everything right all the time helps.

---

Lately my life has been going pretty sour lately, I might be going homeless soon once again. It's my fault really I'm doing the same thing for money I've done since I was 16 and it isn't legal work so my job history is 0.. Now I can't get an actual job and the family I live with are facing a large amount of debt. There will also be nobody to take care of our special ed family member and she's not capable doing anything. I pay for food and help with minor shit but I can't help this household with a 30k debt.

I was supposed to enroll into college for 2013, but our grandparents are dying and the house is underwater, there is a special person to take care of and my aunt is inheriting the house I lived in for the last 2 years and I feel obligated to help. I just don't know what to do and there is no more family to help or would be willing to help.

I don't have any suggestions, other than to offer you my empathy. Venting is good, and this sounds like a very stressful situation. The "minor shit" contributions you are making to help your family really isn't so "minor." It's doing the best you can with what you've got to work with.

[jots]

I´m feeling pretty miserable, and have been doing so for a while. I am having trouble coping with the loss of my father who died in cancer last year. We were really close and I still can´t think of him without feeling sad and lonely. It´s the realization that I will never see him again, no matter what I do in life that is the most painful.

Work is really a mess as well. I probably shouldn´t go into detail but I am stuck in a situation where I have responsibilities but no actual authority to do the tasks I am responsible for. For one who normally takes pride in doing a job well, such as myself, this is pretty fucked up, and I find myself not wanting to go to work every morning.

But aside from the above, everything is all fine and dandy

I should say that on the big plus side, I have amazing girlfriend who stands by my side no matter what happens. As bad as life feels now, I can´t imagine what it would be like without her.

[Whateverist]

It helps me to not bash myself. When I make a stupid mistake, there's an automatic "voice" (not an actual voice, more a thought process) telling me that I'm stupid or what I just did was stupid. I'm learning to counter that, replacing "stupid" for "human" helps me.

Self acceptance is important. Good thing too since there really isn't much choice in the matter. Nonetheless I had to learn to cut myself some slack too. The great thing about learning compassion and empathy for others is you then have it to draw on for yourself.

I miss the company of dogs. My apartment doesn't allow four legged pets. I could probably work around that, but I'm not even sure I'm fit to care for an animal by myself. .. Humans, I can't relate to, but animals, yes.

I read my dogs as well as dogs read people. When I felt estranged from people a dog kept me sane. We're so lucky that there are a couple nonhuman animals on this planet who actually seem to enjoy our company. It helps me keep in touch with my inner mammal and to appreciate the little things and to keep the games people play in perspective.

For lack of a better term, I'm a very well controlled manic. And full blown mania is rare for me, as is hypomania, and both seldom last long.

I don't envy you this but I do envy how well read you are and your sheer intelligence. I'm very impressed with you and DvsF. I have a high regard for my own opinion but you both challenge me regularly. When I disagree with you I stop and re-evaluate just to be sure I'm not being hasty.

For whatever, when I'm not out of control, totally lost in rage and anger, I'm cold and heartless. I don't have a lot of inbetween. I don't feel much toward people. Not that I dislike them, they just don't interest me. .. So I rather suspect my insides, relative to caring about others, just isn't built the same way as other people's is built. .. I don't get affected by the presence or loss of humans as deeply as others. I like that, but it makes me feel ashamed. I feel I'm supposed to care about people, and I just don't.

Sure sounds like you need a good dog. I wondered if I'm unusual in the way the loss of people and dogs affects me. Every such day is special to me in that it makes me appreciate and reflect on life more profoundly. But I don't obsess over the tragedy of it all for the one who dies, though I may miss our interaction. In both cases, I make it a point to get a new friend. Don't get me wrong. No two people or dogs is exactly the same but they are the same in being someone in particular who I can get to know and appreciate.

It sounds like your childhood care takers didn't help you learn to connect with people. The good news is you can learn to do that on your own. You just have to embrace the suckingness of being a beginner.

One of the weird parts of my own childhood was that my mother instilled in me a deeply held belief that sex was just about the most onerous experiences a man could visit upon a woman. So as much as I liked sex it was hard to approach women. So I made it a project to do it anyway. Fortunately my recent loss of esteem through depression made feeling inept more tolerable. So I started dating. I had married the first girl friend I ever had and that wasn't until I was 21. So at 25 I was a rank beginner.

I have to say I learned a lot. For example I noticed that it was just about as satisfying and therefore important to me to be known as to know someone else, though both are really important. I also learned it didn't really matter who broke up with who. That made it easier to be disclosive. The worse that could happen is the other person would get enough information to realize I'm not for them. Becoming comfortable with other people knowing me made me more comfortable with accepting myself too. Come to find out I had a lot in common with people, perhaps even more than I have with dogs. (But only dogs give me perspective on being human so I'll never be without one.)

[Jackalope]

Mixed bag today. I'm happy about yesterday's election, but a bit down after hearing not-so-encouraging news at the doc today.

Meh.

Shit. What did you hear?

My illness last year resulted in a disabling neurological condition. I saw a specialist yesterday, and although we are going to pursue all available options, he was very frank and told me that I should not expect to recover. In short, what this means is that the chronic pain I've experienced for the past 11 months will likely stay with me for the rest of my life.

There was more, none of it particularly encouraging, but that's the gist of it.

[thesummerqueen]

I'm so sorry, CD.