Refuting Creationist Claims - Part 1: Noah's Ark

[RonaldReagansGhost666]

We all know what the myth of Noah's Ark is, right?
The story goes like this:
God gets extremely pissed at HIS creation (due to the sin on Earth that was all part of his plan) and decides to destroy it in a worldwide flood. But here's the catch: He orders a six-hundred year-old man, alongside his three sons built a large wooden vessel with the capacity to carry two of every species of terrestrial animal that inhabits the planet -
Including:



And...


So, within sixty years, without any modern construction equipment, the four manage to build this massive structure. Suddenly, the entire Earth is covered by at least one mile, raising the sea level up by thirty-thousand feet. Oh, did I forget to mention that all the fish would have died due to the brackish water resulting from the flood? For one year, with enough food stored to feed two Tyrannosaurus Rex'es, they stay on their voyage.
Afterwards, (through the means of magic) the water level returns back to its original level, and the family of eight practice enough incest to create seven billion people within the next four-thousand years.
La Finish.

I did make light of that old Judeo-Christian myth, but I'm scared by the fact that over two out of five of my fellow Americans could honestly believe in such ridiculous garbage. Animals with specialized diets on a fucking wooden boat that would sail for a year's time? Are they fucking kidding with me?
How could an omnibenevolent deity carry out such cruel measurements for the flaws in his creation?
Making people, including pregnant women, infants, the disabled, the mentally-challenged, and other weak die a miserable death while attempting to take a breath in order to please their tired lungs?
These are all questions I ask creationists.
Those goddamed ignorant pieces-of-shit are blinded by their faith to the point at which atrocities are acceptable, which is BULLSHIT.
But, getting back to topic, as I was saying, creating a ship that size with four men building it is utterly impossible.
First of all, (according to the King James Bible) the supposed vessel would have measured three-hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in width, and thirty cubits in height.
A cubit equates to about eighteen inches, therefore meaning that the supposed ark would have measured seven-hundred and fifty feet in length, seventy-five feet in width, and forty-five feet in height.
Making the assumption that it'd be shaped as a rectangular prism, then that'd mean it'd be 1,687,500 cubic feet in volume, with each animal having less than 11 cubic inches of space, almost one-fifth of how much room is given to a chicken in a battery cage!
With this physical impossibility, what do you have to say now, creationists?

[Minimalist]

You can't even slow a dickhead down by hitting him with facts. He'll just say that his god can do anything that he wants.

There is no dealing with fools like that.

Calm down and have a drink.

[FallentoReason]

A local flood is more likely to be the case. This would also explain why Zoroastrianism(?) speaks of a flood as well but e.g. South American mythology doesn't.

On a similar wavelength, this is how it can easily be disproven that the earth never stood still according to the Bible because such a miraculous act isn't mentioned anywhere else in the world's history.

[Christian]

What's the big deal? The flood happened or not, It's all based on the mysterious character of the Lord God.

[RonaldReagansGhost666]

What's the big deal? The flood happened or not, It's all based on the mysterious character of the Lord God.

Perhaps it's the fact that 120,000,000 Americans believe in that garbage.

[Confused Ape]

What's the big deal? The flood happened or not, It's all based on the mysterious character of the Lord God.

It's more likely based on the
Flood Myth from the Epic of Gilgamesh It seems that this part of the Gilgamesh story was taken from the older Epic of Atrahasis. There are some interesting parallels with the Noah's Ark story.

Utnapishtim tells Gilgamesh a secret story that begins in the old city of Shuruppak on the banks of the Euphrates River.
The "great gods" Anu, Enlil, Ninurta, Ennugi, and Ea were sworn to secrecy about their plan to cause the flood.
But the god Ea (Sumerian god Enki) repeated the plan to Utnapishtim through a reed wall in a reed house.
Ea commanded Utnapishtim to demolish his house and build a boat, regardless of the cost, to keep living beings alive.
The boat must have equal dimensions with corresponding width and length and be covered over like Apsu boats.
Utnapishtim promised to do what Ea commanded.

Utnapishtim loaded his silver and gold into the boat.
He loaded "all the living beings that I had."
His relatives and craftsmen, and "all the beasts and animals of the field" boarded the boat.
The time arrived, as stated by the god Shamash, to seal the entry door

The boat lodged firmly on mount Nimush which held the boat for several days, allowing no swaying.
On the seventh day he released a dove which flew away, but came back to him. He released a swallow, but it also came back to him.
He released a raven which was able to eat and scratch, and did not circle back to the boat.
He then sent his livestock out in various directions.

He sacrificed a sheep and offered incense at a mountainous ziggurat where he placed 14 sacrificial vessels and poured reeds, cedar, and myrtle into the fire.
The gods smelled the sweet odor of the sacrificial animal and gathered like flies over the sacrifice.

[Aegrus]

With this physical impossibility, what do you have to say now, creationists?

I feel like we've been here before, several times. . .
I don't expect the creationist answer will be any different now than it has been on every website since Google first crawled out of the sea with Bill Gates on its back.

Predicted answers:

God did it.

You're not defining species correctly.

Why are you being so offensive?

People put saddles on whales and rode those around.

With perfect DNA, interbreeding has no negative side effects. And, of course, everything back then had perfect DNA.

It's a metaphor for sex with an elephant. (Okay, so they don't USUALLY say this last one. . .)

[wwajdblogger]

Let's not forget there are 76 Bible verses that creationists cite for proof the Earth is flat. So the flood story must have equal validity.

[Cyberman]

You have to remember that you're dealing with people who tie themselves, and the evidence, into knots trying to cram the bible stories into the natural world, failing to realise that once you allow the idea of magic into the equation, all natural explanations go flying to the Moon. It's as though they entertain the scientific view of the world up to the point at which it conflicts with the mythology; whereupon they pull the handle labelled "God" and instantly eject from reality. It's hard to take someone's arguments seriously when they keep having to be rescued by invoking the theistic equivalent of "a wizard did it".

[FallentoReason]

You have to remember that you're dealing with people who tie themselves, and the evidence, into knots trying to cram the bible stories into the natural world, failing to realise that once you allow the idea of magic into the equation, all natural explanations go flying to the Moon. It's as though they entertain the scientific view of the world up to the point at which it conflicts with the mythology; whereupon they pull the handle labelled "God" and instantly eject from reality. It's hard to take someone's arguments seriously when they keep having to be rescued by invoking the theistic equivalent of "a wizard did it".

This is why Deism is the only honest possibility. The unchangeableness of nature makes it the perfect medium for a "divine message" as opposed to the ignorant scribblings of mammals living 2000 years ago. The self-evident truths of nature obliterate the theists' fables based on their god's own creation i.e. the universe i.e. nature. They're shooting themselves in the foot.