People Leave... Then What?

[rexbeccarox]

I've been stuck in bed all day because I have a head cold or something, and I got to thinking about something. Now, bear with me please. This is for non-believers in long-term relationships with other non-believers.

About eight months ago, I got dumped out of the blue after just over a year. I was deeply in love, but he decided there wasn't room in his life for me, even though he insisted he loved me. It was a shock in so many ways, but reflecting on it today yielded this thought: it doesn't matter how much you care about someone, there is every possibility that they will leave. No matter how safe you feel, how great you think the situation is, no matter what words have been exchanged. A loved one might make a decision to not have you in his or her life anymore.

I've come a long way in the last eight months, but this thought keeps popping up. I've been dating a little, but it scares me. I mean, I understand relationships sometimes run their courses, but that is a different topic. I got so attached to my ex, and then, all of a sudden, he was just... not available to me anymore.

OK, now, the point of this thread isn't to boohoo my saddies, but rather, to gain a new perspective from logical thinkers who don't have a magic specter telling them they have to stay in relationships or they're going to a fiery afterlife. Knowing what I know now, that people will just leave for what seem like arbitrary reasons with no warning, how am I supposed to tell whom to trust?

[Something completely different]

I feel the same way, I was dumped by my exgirlfriend 2 years ago and I somehow never quite got over it.
I still have her pictures and weirdly enought I sometimes dream of her. It was a very long and intemate releationship in which we both managed to share our lives with oneanother.
I guess breaking out of such a releationship and leaving behind the stability it gave, takes quite some time to overcome.

I also have been dating in these past 2 years, yet I have never found the courage to start a new releationship, having a weird feeling deep down in me that no one will be as close to me as my ex evers again.
Even though I know that this is bullshit.
I guess It will still take some more time for me to overcome this.


I hope you dont have to waste 2 years of your life, like me, to get over this.

[justin]

The same way you did last time. Assuming you made good judgement based on his character and actions. You can not control what other people think, do, or say. You also can't conclude that because one person did this one thing that you one did something wrong and two that the probability of this happening again will increase due to this(fear). Don't let that fear consume you because it isn't from, what it seems based from, a rational premise or true premise if you like. My advice is self reflection. Invest in you and your intrest. Let them consume you because it is actually giving less time for you brain to produce memories (connected to relevant things that you would or did associate with that relationship) to asorb hormones that it has began mass producing to tell you body to kick it into overdrive and find a sutible mate that can match or top the one you just had and make corrections in judgement to increase the probability that this won't happen again. (How to trust etc.) Socrates said a "unexamined life is a life not worth living" so while you may not be able to grasp a better understanding in your mates you can grasp (always) a better understanding in yourself which will give you a deeper insight on the principles of thruth and goodness (socrates again). Get busy, think, learn, and try new things to break these barriers that these things usually lead us to build. It will get better. I hope this helped little oh and also if you wanna know about how we subconsciously select mates. Look up a lil social dynamics and jump in this helped me alot with seeing through the shit and fixing my relationship to a much happier place.

[Ryantology]

You can't tell. You just have to take the risk if you want the rewards.

[popeyespappy]

The good news Becca is there are 7 billion people in world. Your soul mate is probably out there somewhere. Even though neither of you have a soul. The bad news is there are 7 billion people in the world. You might have a hard time sorting through enough of them to find yours.

[Annik]

You give someone your trust and hope it doesn't bite you in the ass. I'm getting married to a non-believer. We both just got out of bad relationships, but we fit together very well. You just have to try until you get it right.

[naimless]

I was deeply in love, but he decided there wasn't room in his life for me, even though he insisted he loved me.

I did something similar to him. There was a girl I went out with for 2 years and it was love at first sight for me. She was cheated on in her last relationship and didn't trust me and we often argued about where I had been (I'm a bit bipolar so tend to need more space but she became clingy and deleted other girls' numbers off my phone etc.).

Anyway, it broke my heart that she couldn't trust me, and it frustrated me that we argued over such petty things so I just decided to not have a girlfriend any more.

If I ever have a relationship again, I hope it is an open one. I don't really care for fucking other women but it beats a girl who is paranoid about it - also I'd rather they did what they wanted and didn't restrict themselves because of me.

[rexbeccarox]

I feel the same way, I was dumped by my exgirlfriend 2 years ago and I somehow never quite got over it.
I still have her pictures and weirdly enought I sometimes dream of her. It was a very long and intemate releationship in which we both managed to share our lives with oneanother.
I guess breaking out of such a releationship and leaving behind the stability it gave, takes quite some time to overcome.

I also have been dating in these past 2 years, yet I have never found the courage to start a new releationship, having a weird feeling deep down in me that no one will be as close to me as my ex evers again.
Even though I know that this is bullshit.
I guess It will still take some more time for me to overcome this.


I hope you dont have to waste 2 years of your life, like me, to get over this.

I'm really sorry you're going through that, Germans.

The same way you did last time. Assuming you made good judgement based on his character and actions. You can not control what other people think, do, or say. You also can't conclude that because one person did this one thing that you one did something wrong and two that the probability of this happening again will increase due to this(fear). Don't let that fear consume you because it isn't from, what it seems based from, a rational premise or true premise if you like. My advice is self reflection. Invest in you and your intrest. Let them consume you because it is actually giving less time for you brain to produce memories (connected to relevant things that you would or did associate with that relationship) to asorb hormones that it has began mass producing to tell you body to kick it into overdrive and find a sutible mate that can match or top the one you just had and make corrections in judgement to increase the probability that this won't happen again. (How to trust etc.) Socrates said a "unexamined life is a life not worth living" so while you may not be able to grasp a better understanding in your mates you can grasp (always) a better understanding in yourself which will give you a deeper insight on the principles of thruth and goodness (socrates again). Get busy, think, learn, and try new things to break these barriers that these things usually lead us to build. It will get better. I hope this helped little oh and also if you wanna know about how we subconsciously select mates. Look up a lil social dynamics and jump in this helped me alot with seeing through the shit and fixing my relationship to a much happier place.

I will look into that. Thank you

You can't tell. You just have to take the risk if you want the rewards.

Huh. Yeah, that's what I was afraid of.

The good news Becca is there are 7 billion people in world. Your soul mate is probably out there somewhere. Even though neither of you have a soul. The bad news is there are 7 billion people in the world. You might have a hard time sorting through enough of them to find yours.

Thanks Pappy... but "soulmate"? Oh gawds!

You give someone your trust and hope it doesn't bite you in the ass. I'm getting married to a non-believer. We both just got out of bad relationships, but we fit together very well. You just have to try until you get it right.

Congratulations Annik! That's great news!

I did something similar to him. There was a girl I went out with for 2 years and it was love at first sight for me. She was cheated on in her last relationship and didn't trust me and we often argued about where I had been (I'm a bit bipolar so tend to need more space but she became clingy and deleted other girls' numbers off my phone etc.).

Anyway, it broke my heart that she couldn't trust me, and it frustrated me that we argued over such petty things so I just decided to not have a girlfriend any more.

If I ever have a relationship again, I hope it is an open one. I don't really care for fucking other women but it beats a girl who is paranoid about it - also I'd rather they did what they wanted and didn't restrict themselves because of me.

That's the thing, though. We didn't have problems like that. Our relationship was really good and stable. That's why it was such a shock. I'm sorry you went through that, though.

[Creed of Heresy]

Well I'm not gonna be able to give you any words of wisdom, myself. I've been kinda in and out of relationships the last couple years and they haven't lasted very long. I don't even really try anymore, exactly. Ever since I moved, I've met only a couple girls whom I liked to any romantic extent. Both of 'em cheated on me. I'm not letting that color my perception of women, really, and in hindsight, I realize I had it coming, given their personalities, attitudes, and preferences. I wouldn't have minded if they'd told me but they insisted on lying to me even after I was hinting strongly that I knew and was trying to get them to just come clean. So, ever since, I've just kind of lost the interest to bother actively trying. If it happens, it happens, if not, ah well.

[rexbeccarox]

Well I'm not gonna be able to give you any words of wisdom, myself. I've been kinda in and out of relationships the last couple years and they haven't lasted very long. I don't even really try anymore, exactly. Ever since I moved, I've met only a couple girls whom I liked to any romantic extent. Both of 'em cheated on me. I'm not letting that color my perception of women, really, and in hindsight, I realize I had it coming, given their personalities, attitudes, and preferences. I wouldn't have minded if they'd told me but they insisted on lying to me even after I was hinting strongly that I knew and was trying to get them to just come clean. So, ever since, I've just kind of lost the interest to bother actively trying. If it happens, it happens, if not, ah well.

Heh. Yeah. My ex ex boyfriend cheated on me. We were together for five years. It took me about 2 1/2 years to get over that one and open myself up to my last relationship. It's hard to trust when you've been cheated on, that's for damn sure.