The Last Movie You Watched

[Shell B]

We watched Freaks on Netflix last night. It starts off at a confusing pace and takes a little while to get good, but it has some great moments. 6/10

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Cop Out’ with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan.

This serves as an object lesson that Kevin Smith should never make another cop film. There is nothing to recommend it other than a screamingly funny scene with Sean William Scott.

1/10 (for the aforementioned scene).

Boru

[arewethereyet]

‘Cop Out’ with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan.

This serves as an object lesson that Kevin Smith should never make another cop film. There is nothing to recommend it other than a screamingly funny scene with Sean William Scott.

1/10 (for the aforementioned scene).

Boru

This is likely to be an unpopular comment but Bruce Willis makes my eye twitch.  My goal is to never see another movie or TV show with him in it.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Cop Out’ with Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan.

This serves as an object lesson that Kevin Smith should never make another cop film. There is nothing to recommend it other than a screamingly funny scene with Sean William Scott.

1/10 (for the aforementioned scene).

Boru

This is likely to be an unpopular comment but Bruce Willis makes my eye twitch.  My goal is to never see another movie or TV show with him in it.

My only issue with Bruce Willis is that he suffers from the delusion that he is Bruce Willis. There is no remedy for this malady.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: The Legend of Kung Fu Rabbit. It's basically a ripoff of Kung Fu Panda from China. You might think that a movie about Kung Fu from China could create a new opportunity to make a more authentic look at the martial art than someone than something made in America. You would be wrong. Actual Chinese artists were shocked that these round-eyes could make a film that captures ancient China so well, and I think this may have helped spur on this film, a ripoff made for a tenth of the budget.





The opening scene seems like it could be trying for a decent knockoff, but then, we see our hero Fu. Fu is a giant white rabbit who looks to be the size of Andre the Giant and his face... well, the best thing I can say to describe it is it's like he has four tiny holes in his big, flat, face, two for the eyes, and one of each for the nose and mouth. This is ugly, and it's made  all the worse when you realise that there's ANOTHER bunny with a more appealing model. And any and all remaining goodwill once you hear his voice. It's voiced by Jon "Napeoleon Dynamite" Heder, and if you ever got sick of Napoleon Dynamite's voice over 2004-5, then this is far worse, because he's doing an off-brand Ed Wynn impersonation and as long as he's on screen, he NEVER. SHUTS. THE. FUCK. UP.

And then, unlike the admittedly standard character arc given to Po in the original, Fu just gives Master Shifu (yes, they used the same name as the master in the Kung Fu Panda films, though this may be because "Shifu" just means "Master" in Chinese) some sweet cakes and then he just gives him some kung fu powers because Destiny. And he's such an idiot that it takes him about a hundred attempts to guess who those two creatures in what I think are blackface (or just greasepaint).

On a technical level, this has some really shit lip-sync, although, unlike Kiara the Brave, it at least has the excuse of being originally in Mandarin Chinese, which is a very fundamentally different language from English. And now that I think about it, that's probably the only positive I can give this movie over Kiara the Brave, which was, at least until now, the worst movie I had ever seen. And I think it speaks volumes as to how little effort they put into this that the main voice actors in this film (besides Jon Heder) are Tom Arnold and Rebecca Fucking Black. To be fair, it does have Michael Clarke Duncan giving his last voiceover role as the bad guy, a bear who pretends to be a panda for some reason (and apparently he has Wolverine Claws).

Besides that, the story is kinda what you'd expect from a Kung Fu Panda ripoff. Fu's given kung fu powers and is told to go on a quest for some reason. There is a shitton of padding, and Fu never even uses his martial arts skills. Rebecca Black and the other bunny with the more appealing model have a B-plot that doesn't even have the decency of being a plot, although at least Rebecca Black has decent swordplay skills. By contrast, Fu takes well over two-thirds of the movie just to FORM A FUCKING FIST. He only fights at the end. There's more padding in this film than the diaper aisle at a supermarket.

Overall, I think I found the worst movie I've ever seen. And it doesn't even have a greaser kid with a pencil-thin moustache teleport in to randomly trash-talk the bad guy and then vomit flowers, so that's one less redeeming quality.

And they even end on "Kung Fu Fighting" like the original!

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Mr. Right’ (2015). Anna Kendrick, Sam Rockwell, and Tim Roth.

A surprisingly good action/rom com. It uses a rather hackneyed plot of the jilted girl falling for a hit man on the run from his former employers, but manages to improve it a lot. For example, Rockwell plays the hitman who has a moral epiphany that murder is wrong, so now he only kills the people who hire him, instead of killing the people they hire him to kill.

Anna Kendrick is playing to type as the goofy hot girl who doesn’t realize how hot she is, but it works for her.

Tim Roth is a little long in the tooth for action roles, but manages a creditable job in this one.

Very good supporting part by Rza.

7.5/10

Boru

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"Jumanji: The Next Level" and "Jojo Rabbit" in the queue behind Ioan Griffud's "Hornblower" TV show.

[Foxaèr]

Freaks

A bold girl discovers a bizarre, threatening, and mysterious new world beyond her front door after she escapes her father's protective and paranoid control.

Watched it because @Shell B posted about it. I enjoyed the movie.

Color Out Of Space

A secluded farm is struck by a strange meteorite which has apocalyptic consequences for the family living there and possibly the world.

Was not aware this was based on a Lovecraft story. It is modernized, obviously, and a truly great watch.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Movie 43. And it's not a movie I can go over like a bunch of other films, because, you see, it's an anthology film. And a very special anthology film. It was made over a period of several years, with each of the dozen or so films being made one at a time, with Charles Wessler using each successive short to lure in as many stars as possible, and being as accommodating to them as possible. In Richard Gere's case, Wessler was willing to wait a year before he said yes, and then he had to insist on making it a 4-day shoot in New York. Quoth Peter Farrelly, "They clearly wanted out! But we wouldn't let them. The strategy was simple: 'Wait for them. Shoot when they want to shoot. Guilt them to death.' It didn't work on everyone." George Clooney, to his credit, was asked to appear in one of the skits, and told them to fuck off. Eventually, they decided they had enough material and they released it in January 2013 to some of the worst reviews of the year.

Frame Story:
This is a very fitting metaphor for the film itself. A writer (heavily implied to be Charles Wessler himself) who keeps pitching these skits to an executive, staying long past his welcome, and irritating this increasingly  annoyed actress with his increasingly desperate film pitches. There is apparently also a version that involves a bunch of teens trying and failing to find a banned movie called Movie 43, and eventually finding the skits and eventually destroying the world via their web searches. This version is not on the DVD I checked out, but the screenwriting one has to be better, since it's at least some good mirroring.

The Catch:
You remember that episode of South Park where Butters plasters a scrotum on his chin so he can talk to Maury about how his friends won't stop treating him like Kenny? It's basically that, except it has Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet, a baby, and a bowl of melted butter with his chin-balls and she's the only person who notices it. Without the chin-balls, it's a boring sophisticated rom com with nothing to recommend it. Also, apparently, this is supposed to be like The Help.

Homeschooled:
So, two parents are homeschooling their high-school-aged kids and giving them as authentic a high school experience as possible. So, every shitty thing you can expect from high school, they do. Bullying, arbitrary detentions, booking, making fun of weird pubes, pedophilia, getting locked out of a house party, smearing them with shit, incest, suicidality. It's so obvious. And somehow, the only real twist is that the most glaring dysfunction he's developed is that he's dating a mannequin (except that he's wished he was never born since age 12). At this point, I'm sitting with a dakimakura of Alison Lohman by my side, so I'm in no room to judge.

The Proposition:
How the fuck do you think a short film that treats being pooped on like it's a fucking marriage proposal is going to be? Also, Nick Cave and John Hillcoat want their title for a much better movie back?

Veronica:
Blah, Blah, Blah, supermarket kid is making sexually explicit announcements and has a disgusting and crass argument with his ex-GF over the intercom. Yada, Yada, you get it.

iBabe:
So, Richard Gere plays not-Steve Jobs and... and it's over for now.

Superhero Speed Dating:
So, it's basically a shitty version of the Adam West Batman where Batman and Robin have to deal with speed dating and saving Gotham from a bomb. Okay, fun fact, Axel Braun actually made a porn parody of the Adam West Batman called Batman XXX. It's good enough that it actually has an option to play it without the porn AND IT STILL WORKS. Point is, Jason Sudeikis is the worst Batman ever.

Machine Kids:
How the fuck did they get Arvo Part to soundtrack this piece of shit? Somehow, of all the celebrities who got roped into this, this is the one that truly shocked me.

iBabe:
And we're back: so, Richard Gere plays not-Steve Jobs and he doesn't see the problem with creating an MP3 player shaped like and feels like a naked woman, and putting a fan with the potential to mangle penises in the vagina. That's the joke. You know what, this could be a better alternative title for this film: That's the Joke: The Movie.


Middleschool Date:
So, in this installment of "That's The Joke," a 12-year-old boy and girl are having their first date, and the girl is having her first period. And the boys of the family are freaking out because they think she's dying, because of course. You know it's shitty when you can point to The Fucking Cleveland Show doing this plot better.

Happy Birthday:
So, Johnny Knoxville catches a foul-mouthed leprechaun and forces him to give him a pot of gold. The leprechaun is played by Gerard Butler. His brother was apparently set to be played by Colin Farrell, but apparently, he somehow got out of it and Butler had to do both parts. Also, there's a fairy who gives blowjobs for gold coins. Overall, the least predictable of the shorts.

Truth or Dare:
So, Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry decide to play truth or dare and do outrageous shit, up to and including turning Asian. Fun Fact: Stephen Merchant is the only person to not disavow Movie 43, and that's solely because he got to work with Halle Berry in this skit.

Victory's Glory:
Basically Remember the Titans if it played the "Black people are good at sports" trope so straight it could be used as a ruler. The black team wins 103-1, the one point only happening because one of them was dribbling with his foot and a half long penis.

Beezel:
Josh Duhamel plays a man emotionally cheating on his wife with a cartoon cat that's clearly not there. Son of the Mask did a better job integrating the cartoon with the live-action. Thank Jah that James Gunn got to do Guardians of the Galaxy the year after it was released.

So, since my state's on lockdown and I can't get into the library until it's over, I checked Netflix and Hulu to check and see which films were there AND horrible enough for the Project that I hadn't covered yet. My plans for the Deep Hurting Project in the next few weeks:

• The Open House on Netflix, wherein Clay from 13 Reasons Why stars in what may be the dumbest home invasion film since Shut In.
  
• Furry Vengeance on Hulu, wherein all creatures great and small decide to fuck with Brendan Fraser.
  
• Also, I really wanted to watch the CGI version of The Ten Commandments for Easter. I checked and it's currently on Youtube. I hope to Hell it's still there Eastertime.
  

[Megabullshit]

Terminator Dark Fate

I would give it a 7/10