The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, The Open House. I had intended to use my local library's DVD collection for the Project (minus, of course, the two weeks I spend in Door County), and leave movies on Netflix and Hulu in case of emergency. As you're probably aware, there's currently a bloody pandemic, the library is closed, and I only got two weeks' worth of horrible films because I didn't expect the governor to extend the lockdown to April 7. So, it's safe to assume the time has come to open this emergency. At some point last year, Pocaracas responded to one of my posts on the Project by asking me to check this film out. Well, it looks like you got your wish.

• It's 15 minutes and I'm being given remarkably little to work with. So Dylan Minette of 13 Reasons Why plays Logan, a teenage boy who likes to run. That is literally all I know about him, apart from the fact that his father died recently (it's just glanced over, even though we see it). His mother is in debt and has a sister who has a giant house in the mountains that just won't sell, and that's all I know about her. 
  
• It takes 20 minutes into the movie for something creepy to happen, when a woman who looks like Kathy Bates claims she lives there. Though they really try to sell the horror by showing people moving slowly while spooky music plays, even when nothing is actually happening.
  
• While we wait for something to happen, let's explain one of the biggest strengths of 1963's The Haunting. It has a bunch of creepy things, and it builds an atmosphere, and the nature of it all is never revealed, so we're never sure how much of it's real or how much of it's in her head. Case in point, this scene
  
  
  Is she being haunted or is she just going insane? It doesn't make much of a difference, it's still gripping and still terrifying. Going through the movie's TVTropes page while waiting for things to happen, it looks like this is what the movie is trying to go for. But it doesn't work here because it takes over HALF A FUCKING HOUR for the plot to get going at all, and apart from the creepy music, there's  nothing to help set it up. It just plays like a bland as shit family drama with a jump scare every couple minutes.
• On that note, I can't remember a film that's been so thoroughly padded since Saving Christmas and that was the first movie I saw for the Project. I'm over 35 minutes in, and this could easily have been less than 10 minutes.
  
• Why is he surprised that he's not running as fast as he used to when he moved to the mountains?
  
• Is it weird that when I see the black guy coming up to the house, I immediately assume that he's going to die? It could just be that it was spoiled on the TVTropes page, but even without it, it's such a commonly used trope and this film is shit enough that you can't put blatantly trite tropes like this past it.
  
•  Okay, the Kathy Bates-looking woman who claimed she lived at the house is apparently her neighbour. Why did she claim she lived there? Or does she play two roles?
  
• How many scenes of the mom showering do we need? We don't see anything, so the prospect of seeing some tit or bush can't be the answer.
  
• And is there a reason there's no apparent lighting setup in the basement?
  
• Why am I learning more about pilot lights here than at any other time since that one episode of Rugrats?
  
• So, it's well over half the movie's runtime, and for all the main characters know, there's strange noises, and the plumbing is wonky. Eventually, of course, we see that there's an intruder, but the question of why we should give a shit just isn't there. They only get the memo that something is really wrong when there's less than 40 minutes left to go in the film. And why would Mom assume he left his phone by the water heater for several days to mess with her?
  
• So, they come back to find a candlelit dinner with "Silent Night" playing and an old rotary phone is on a platter. Why?
  
• So, by this point, it's become undeniable that someone is breaking into their isolated house and messing with shit. And that this random stranger's going to keep doing it and possibly escalate since the cops aren't going to do shit. So, what do they do?
  
  
  Yup, they keep staying there and they're just killer fodder.
• Even when the killer's gone and tied up Mom and broken her fingers, they don't really leave. They stay for several minutes and talk. Logan does not leave the house and go for help even though they know the killer can come back. And he does. They have a drivable car, Logan's apparently a good enough runner to potentially qualify for the Olympic team, and he doesn't fucking leave.
  
• And somehow, he's removed the SIM cards to their phones, and somehow-er, they don't even know you can still make emergency calls (like, you know, the police) without a carrier.
  
• So, you wear contact lenses and you're pretty much blind without some corrective lenses. Someone you strongly suspect is a killer decides to go for your eyes and remove them. What do you do? A) Shut them as hard as you can? or B) just do nothing but struggle with your eyes wide open? A sensible person would clearly pick A, but since this is The Open House, the answer ends up a pretty emphatic B.
  
• So, it turns out that his being an Olympic-class runner does NOTHING, since, even though he runs for hours, he gets strangled by the killer.
  
• And we never know who the killer is, why he was doing this, or even how he knew about that Shannon and the Clams song that Logan listened to on Bandcamp twice. All we know is that the bad guy won and now he's going to kill at a new open house.
  

Well, there's one positive I have to give this movie: it got me interested in Shannon and the Clams. It's a shame I couldn't get exposed to them via a movie that's actually good.

[Fake Messiah]

Last movie I watched was "North Country". It is a movie about small bigoted Christian town's learning process of how women are not lower beings and mostly sluts, as their holy book would lead them to think, but somewhat equal partners.

"Hank, she had a baby, she didn't rob a bank".

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Aftermath' (2017) with Arnold Schwarzenegger attempting to be an actor and (mostly) succeeding.

Arnold's wife and pregnant daughter are killed in a plane collision, due to the errors of an air traffic controller. He declines the airline's offer of a settlement because what he wants most of all is for someone to apologize for killing his family.  The film is really quite an interesting look at how grief affects people.  It isn't your typical Ahnold vehicle - not a revenge flick by any stretch.  No car crashes, no explosions, no gunfights, no fistfights - one stabbing scene (no, no spoiler).

7/10

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Furry Vengeance

• So, a prairie dog is standing on pavement minding is own business, when a businessman in a red sports car yells "I do what I want!" just as he ALMOST runs it over. Instead of running away, It just stands there with this clearly composited-on CGI screaming face. Why do I get the feeling this is going to set the tone for the rest of the movie? 
  
• Also, mustelids have apparently mastered the art of the Rube Goldberg machine.
  
• And now it turns out that Brendan Fraser's in the middle management of a green construction company. His antagonists are going to be the animals who live in the surrounding forest. Creatures who can't communicate in any meaningful way, so during the plotting scenes, we're subjected to... remember the scene from the Star Wars Holiday Special where we're subjected to Chewbacca's family having some argument and we have no idea what's going on because they're  speaking in Chewbacca's normal dialect, and there's no subtitles? It's basically that. To be fair, a few scenes in, they resort to translating it into thought bubbles that display clips corresponding to what they saw, but still. And it doesn't exactly last.
  
• So, Fraser's living in a model home? So, my knowledge of this sort of thing is limited to Arrested Development, but are model homes supposed to be reasonably livable or was the deterioration of the model home in that one just a function of Bluth's shoddy worksmanship?
  
• "Tyler is Missing His Old Life" Why does he refer to himself in the third person in his Facebook updates? I like to think the actor is so alienated that he no longer identifies with his character in any meaningful way. Must be why his performance is so flat.
  
• Mom can talk to wild turkeys? Of course she can.
  
• So, I have the subtitles/captioning on by default and when the Asian boss speaks his native language, it says "[Speaks Gibberish.]" Could they not bother to get someone who speaks Korean to write some proper dialogue for Ken Jeong? Or at least Spanish, since he played Senor Chang?
  
• How is ripping out the forest good for the environment? That's a good fucking question.
  
• And despite the fact that the raccoon was there for the pivotal meeting where Ken Jeong convinced Brendan Fraser to help tear down the forest, they decide to latch onto him and not Ken Jeong.
  
• They're really proud of that CGI horned owl's head turn, aren't they? And they're clearly reusing the scene of the animals setting up that Rube Goldberg trap from the first sequence!
  
• Is Brendan Fraser looking so haggard just the standard ravages of time because he looks really fucking haggard in this film. Well, if his interaction with Brooke Shields' feet is any indication, at least he's a foot fetishist in this movie so I guess that's something.
  
• Chasing crows? Those are fucking magpies.
  
• Hot damn, he recovered from getting tossed from his treadmill, plunging head-first into the wall, and having his TV fall on him pretty fucking quick.
  
• Also, skunks are solitary animals and I'm legitimately surprised to see that they managed to gather more than half a dozen into a car voluntarily.
  
• Is this going to be all the movie is from now on? Just a set of elaborate set pieces of tired slapstick centered around Brendan Fraser getting humiliated by these animals who think fucking with him will keep their home from being destroyed?
  
• That senile teacher's hitting me a bit too close to home. She reminds me of that woman who taught my Women Writers' class, spent three weeks covering the same chapter in To the Lighthouse. And not even different aspects of that one chapter. It was like a Groundhog Day loop. I barely passed that class.
  
• Is that an albino vulture? And one that looks like an Old World Vulture that doesn't even live in the Americas? Also, since when do vultures have voice boxes? Or have any interest in attacking living things? Look, just watch this and be educated; they're fearsome-looking, but they're actually very docile, especially by the standards of birds of prey:
  
  
  
• They're really milking the "dots vs. feathers" Indian ambiguity for all the cringiness they can milk from it.
  
• And why is Ken Jeong speaking gibberish to Brendan Fraser all of a sudden?
  
• Also, this scene:
  
  
  
• Fun Fact: this afternoon, Alison and I just watched the Rifftrax Live version of Birdemic and literally the only positive this movie's execution has on that is that this time, when the love interest shows her feet, the leading man's feet aren't also in the frame.
  
• No, that Rorschach blot looks like an angry Raccoon, not an angry squirrel.
  
  
  
• And somehow, despite looking so haggard, he recovers goddam quickly after all the shit he went though the previous day. And, of course she doesn't believe him after all the massive shit he's done.
  
• You know, it's nice to see some acknowledgement of the Vikings' brief tenure in North America, but somehow, I doubt that they ever reached that far.
  
• Wait, this is supposed to be both the Rocky Mountains and Washington State? They're two different parts of the country!
  
• So, the steps inside his home are close to where he was sitting when he saw the grizzly bear, and yet he runs into a portapotty? And of course it tips it over. Of course. Well, at least it had the decency to wait an hour before playing the "toilet humour" card.
  
• And what's with that forest ranger who keeps trying to confront Brooke Shields over her husband's potential murder?
  
• "Does anyone have some Purell?" Well, this was a shitty week to watch this movie.
  
• And she still doesn't understand that he might be right when she fishes him out of an upside down portapotty in the branches of a fucking tree?
  
• Wait... that's a domestic turkey, not a wild one. They can't survive in the wild. Hell, they can't even reproduce on their own!
  
• And don't tell me he's actually missing the fucking animals that have been fucking with his life for the past hour.
  
• And fucking hell, they're treating him like the bad guy for wanting to get these creatures into cages AFTER THEY REPEATEDLY MAULED HIM. And he comes around to their point of view after finding out the raccoon has a family... even though they were never seen until now. 
  
• Also, is there a reason the bad guys (besides the animals) are Asians?
  
• And why did Ken Jeong's lady friend say "you complete me" after the albino vultures decided to shit all over her?
  
• Why do they end on a Sugar Ray-sounding version of "Insane in the Membrane?"
  
• And why do they have Subterranean Homesick Blues-looking cue cards with the lyrics? And why is it that, of all the movies that use that device, the Lars von Trier serial killer movie that was an hour longer and had a protagonist with a body count of 67+ people and had half the audience of its premiere walk out was a far easier watch?
  

Next week, I'm going to do what I can to make sure I watch the CGI remake of The Ten Commandments. In a sane world, I'd be going to the library to get it. Of course, that's no longer an option, what with the pandemic. Of course, it looks like it's on Youtube, and I really hope it fucking stays that way. After that, there's Disaster Movie on Hulu, Woody Woodpecker on Netflix, and, hopefully, I'll be able to find some of the other pieces of shit on the TVTropes list on Youtube. Or the library will reopen.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Bloodfather’ (2016) Mel Gibson, Erin Moriarty

Easily Gibson’s best work in years. He plays an inked-up ex-con biker badass who has to save his daughter from a drug cartel. Sounds a little like ‘Taken’, but it isn’t. Apart from one heavily improbable motorcycle chase, it’s much more realistic than anything in Neeson’s franchise, and the father-daughter relationship is much better developed.

Say what you like about Gibson as a person (pretty much all bad, I agree), but there’s no denying his screen presence or his acting chops. He’s terrific and so is this film.

8.5/10

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, the 2008-ish CGI remake of The Ten Commandments. It's on YouTube and I will be linking it here:

• (1:00) You know you're in for a bad start when you can't tell the actual movie from the cut scenes from the PS1 tie-in game.
  
• (5:20) I'm going to go out on a limb and say these probably aren't real hazards on the Nile.
  
• (6:30) He will be known as My Son. A very stilted way of saying you're going to adopt this baby.
  
• (7:20) Why does the royal esplanade look like it exists only in two dimensions all of a sudden?
  
• (8:08) And what the fuck was happening with Ben Kingsley to put him in this horseshit?
  
• Though I will give them credit for using the opening credits to show Moses from age zero to his young adulthood.
  
• (11:20) Is there a reason we're focusing on the creation of this big statue of Pharaoh?
  
• (14:05) Did they seriously mix up who killed who in the fight between Moses and that overseer?
  
  
  Seriously, say what you will about the DeMille version, at least he was competent enough to keep track of something as basic as this.
• And why does Christian Slater sound so much like Maurice LaMarche? 
  
• (19:10) He goes from instant badass to dying of heat stroke instantly with no warning.
  
• (19:40) A stranger in a strange land. I'm sure that would be a good  title for a novel someday.
  
• (19:55) Wow, that dancing looks so convincing and not like they're just dragging these models across the screen.
  
• (21:45) Well that's a really fucking underwhelming burning bush. And, no, I'm not going to make a joke about God asking Moses to take his shoes off. That's far too low-hanging fruit.
  
• (28:00) Why does everyone recognise Moses, even though they haven't seen him since he was a baby.
  
• (34:36) So the water has turned to blood and nobody would drink it. You just know that there's at least one who's like
  
• And why introduce the "let Aaron speak" point if Aaron's never going to say a word?
  
• (38:25) What the shit kind of running is that? 
  
• (45:30) Wait, I thought Moses' big sister who protected him died while Moses was in the wilderness. Did they really not bother proof-reading their own script? 
  
• (50:30) To be fair, they do save the best animation for the scene where Moses parts the Red Sea, like they should. It's a shame that their best is just barely passable.
  
• (51:12) The kid just sticks their head in the water while Pharaoh's Army is ready to attack.
  
• (55:05) A guy's suggesting the Israelites turn back, even after they decimated the army and the Red Sea looked like a dead end.
  
• (55:55) Kinda disappointing that they left out the part where Moses' hitting the rock is actually contrary to God's wishes.
  
• (56:30) Why is the sleeve of Moses' tunic
  
• (57:19) Why does the manna look like communion wafers?
  
• (1:04:10) You'd think they'd milk the Edward G. Robinson-ness of the character for all it's worth. Yeah, see, yeah. Sadly, they don't. 
  
• (1:06:45) Funny thing, the famous 10 dictates are not actually called the Ten Commandments in the Bible. The only set of laws actually called the Ten Commandments in the Bible are here.
  
• Also, you'd think that God would give Moses the heads-up about the whole Golden Calf thing... Yes, I know it's in the original, but it's still kind of a problem.
  
• (1:12:10) And the Children of Israel have returned from being stuck in the Earth's crust none the worse for wear.
  
• (1:13:15) And to think that in a couple millennia, that Ark is going to do this to people:
  
  
  
• And why the fuck does the 1956 movie, which is close to THREE TIMES AS LONG AS THIS VERSION, have better pacing than this 84-minute film?
  
• (80:03) No one knows his resting place? Deutoronomy 34:6 says he was buried on Mount Nebo, although where exactly on the mountain is left unsaid. And you act like this is all that extraordinary for Biblical characters.
  
• (80:13) The only person to know God face to face? Um, why do I get the feeling that this is bullshit, especially given that Moses only sees God through fire or cyclones or shit like that.
  

So, in conclusion, to anyone who hates the 1956 Cecil B. DeMille film, watch this movie. You'll never say a bad thing about it again.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Seltzer and Friedberg's Disaster Movie. If you're lucky and don't know who they are, Jason Seltzer and Aaron Friedberg (and I might be switching their names, but given that they're the reclusive directors behind a couple of shitty movies, I don't give a shit) are a pair of writers who hit it big by being two of the eight writers behind Scary Movie. This led to the two being allowed to make a series of movies that basically took the Scary Movie formula and drove it straight into the ground. Their process involves taking the hottest cultural trends of the day, and making very obvious jokes about them that could only have been made by people who just saw the trailers and decided to go with what they could find there. These Movies were critically savaged (to the point where Date Movie actually had a DVD commentary explaining why Airplane worked and this film didn't), but the first few at least made their money back... and then Disaster Movie came along.

• Well, we're off to a good start. A caveman gets stepped on, falls into a pile of mammoth shit, and then gets suckered into a fight with some guy called Wolf who's rambling about the red tape of getting shit trademarked. And to be fair, they at least have the decency of not using someone who would have been over exposed when the film was released. Just one who might have been over a decade prior. I really had to look to know who they were parodying.
  
• Amy Winehouse is a saber-tooth who pulls shit out of her hair, and burps for an obscenely long time. The use of her hair as a beehive might have been funny if it hadn't been run into the ground after she pulled a vial of cocaine out of her hair. In real life.
  
• They go through the trouble of cresting a fake Facebook site called FaceNook, and the very next shot involves the caveman saying "Facebook," thus defeating the entire purpose.
  
• Why is Flavor Flav in this guy's bed? "What was that about?" The response to every fucking occurrence in this movie. At least it's not the real Flavor Flav.
  
• Somehow, there's two movies where a main character has a Super Sweet Sixteen despite NOT EVEN BEING SIXTEEN. And even when it happened in Bratz they were well aware of the absurdity.
  
• "Hairy Girls Gone Wild." An that's not even how female body hair works, and- is that Dr. Phil? Other people at this party: Not-Anton-Chigurh, some of the kids from Superbad, and two WCW Divas who decide to play Twister, not-Juno (who has apparently sold her baby to Brangelina), the cast of Diet High School Musical, fake Kayne, the non-Jonas Brothers, not-Jessica Simpson (whose boobs are for Jesus), and not-Fabio.
  
• Just to get a view of their subtler comedy stylings, here's their take on Juno:
  
  
  And that's subtler because it's not just "Look, I'm Juno!" and then some slapstick so they can move onto the next parody.
• Apparently, Hannah Montana comes back from the dead to plug some products.
  
• The fact that they put Hancock in this film really shows the limitations of their process. 
  
• You know, fun fact: before it came out, I saw the trailer and was morbidly curious why the Sex and the City girls would be fighting Juno. It turned out there was no reason, even in context.
  
• And, of course, they get the girls to take their clothes off by claiming their bodies will keep them warm. And there's no reason despite the potential hope that the teenage audience might see some titty. Something they could easily find on the Internet, and in this film, even in the unrated cut (and I know that they drop the ball and ruin references by cleaning them up for a PG-13, but that's no excuse in the unrated version), we don't see anything below the shoulder. Not even the creases and cleavage that would have implied breasts. Seriously, they could have
  
• Didn't they do Narnia in Epic Movie?
  
• So, how can Not-Giselle keep her gown looking pristine when she's homeless and living in the sewers? And why is she suddenly a hairy black guy for like a shot?
  
• So, they get Iron Man, Hellboy, and The Hulk to appear and get hit by a cow in the span of about a minute. Also, it's not like there weren't pre-existing media for them to draw on besides the trailers for their 2008 movies. Or even a readily available movie for Hellboy's continuity.
  
• You know, Drawn Together did the "eating glass" thing better.
  
• And the black guy's smearing peanut butter off his face and using his sneaker as a phone?
  
• ...Somehow, I didn't think that the CGI Alvin and the Chipmunks could look worse than they did, but now this set of obvious puppets are really obviously uncanny. And somehow, the fact that they're singing death metal after a Christmas Carol might have been a setup for a decent joke, but the fact that they couldn't create a second design really telegraphs the twist from a mile away. and FUCK YOU for randomly sneaking in a Shining reference. Yup, this is the worst comedy in the Project. Possibly the worst movie, period.
  
• And they segue into an Head On parody that misses the point by making a commercial that only repeated their slogan three times because it was the only thing they could legally say about it and repeating it was the only way they could advertise it AND keep their commercial hit the 10 second mark go on for over a minute.
  
• Wait, why are evacuation buses a thing when the world is ending?
  
• And they named her Enchanted Princess? And not even a dumb shit like Gazelle or summat? 
  
• And Batman is apparently Louis C.K.
  
• Killing Speed Racer is better than sex with a camel. Well, there's something I never thought I'd say. Also, apparently Michael Jackson's in the trunk with Bubbles and a kid he's apparently beat up (also, from what I've heard of the allegations, beating kids up wasn't really his style.)
  
• And Enchanted Princess has been wearing glass shoes all this time and somehow they only start getting broken when she arrives at the Natural History Museum. Why not let her go barefoot? There is precedent, like Pocahantas, Esmeralda, Ariel (when she has feet), Princess Aurora, and, hell, even Giselle in the animated parts of Enchanted. Unfortunately, Rapunzel would not be revealed to be a barefooter until well after this film was released.
  
• And they get bogged down into wondering whether Beowulf is gay after he threatens to fight them naked (because the movie made him so for reasons I can't find on the Internet.) And then there's a guy in a really shitty Po Kung Fu Panda costume. And FUCK YOU for making me look up whether pandas have "three descending testicles." Yep, I think this is the worst movie I've ever seen.
  
• Apparently, Indiana Jones is a black midget. And a pervert who is apparently the protagonist's dad for some reason.
  
• And the crisis is averted because he puts a skull on a pedestal in the museum of natural history.
  
• I legitimately don't know whether this version of The Love Guru is worse than the actual Love Guru.
  
• And apparently this film made light of Miley Cyrus' bisexuality before it became obvious. And they end with a parody of "I'm Fucking Matt Damon" that turns everyone in the film (and a couple who aren't even in the movie, like Barack Obama) into a huge sex web. And it goes on for fucking ever.
  
• And did they credit not-Juno TWICE?
  
  
  

Yep, it's official, this is the new worst film in the Project. Zero redeeming qualities, not even the ones they ripped off of other movies.

[Foxaèr]

I just watched The Platform (available on Netflix).

A vertical prison with one cell per level. Two people per cell. One only food platform and two minutes per day to feed from up to down. An endless nightmare trapped in The Hole.

An article reviewing the movie has this to state:

---

The irony within The Platform is that there is more than enough food and resources within The Hole (a metaphor for capitalism, a economic system we are all imprisoned by) to satisfy all the prisoners.

However those at the ‘top’ (ie the wealthy) overconsume, and are given no incentive or reason to want to share – leading to inequality, pain and suffering.

---

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

'Mad Dog Morgan' (1976)

An absolutely execrable ozploitation film with Dennis Hopper as real-life bushranger Daniel Morgan.  This piece of poo should serve as an object lesson of how not to make a biopic. The acting is awful, the editing confusing, there's no real continuity from scene to scene, and Hopper switches accents effortlessly from Irish to Aussie to Middle American and back again.

People have a right to make bad films, but the rest of us should have the right to punch them in the throat for making one THIS bad.

0/10

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Woody Woodpecker. It's a cartoon that's barely been airing since I've been alive (to the extent that I'm fairly certain I've seen Woody Woodpecker more in online encyclopedias of hate groups than on TV), and yet Universal still had the idea to do a movie based on him? This would seem to be a new low in the "Reviving old properties for nostalgia" well, but it makes sense when you consider that the Woodman is really fucking popular in Brazil, to the extent that sometimes, airing of his shorts have been known to preempt the Olympics. Odd that they'd try to pander to the Brazilian market, but there you go. And it explains why the baddie's girlfriend is Brazilian.

• "The Hell Kind of Bird is That?" That's a legit question.
  
  
  
  
• "Poachers: This will be fun." You know, this really sets  up one of the big problems with Woody here: he's a fucking sadist and the makers haven't figured that out. He sees people only as creatures to fuck with (or maybe get free food from; after he tries to befriend a teenage boy, he explicitly states he's just doing it for the peanut butter treats). And since none of the supporting cast from his other media appear, he just looks like a big gaping asshole, and you might as well just call him Goatse the Woodpecker. You know what, fuck it, I'm just going to call him Goatse for the rest of the post. Funny thing is, if I recall correctly, they had a similar problem with him early on in the Lantz era, and they solved it by him only fucking with people who were antagonising him.
  
• "Home, sweet home, and noone around to bother me" And then he looks around sad, and then belches. What was the point of that?
  
• You know, the sad thing is the bad guy in this is actually better at being the exact same type of character Brendan Fraser was trying to be in Furry Vengeance. He's an asshole, we at least get some catharsis from the animals fucking with him. Or at least we wouldn't if Goatse wasn't, well Goatse.
  
• Are they seriously talking about building a 5000 square foot home in the middle of what looks like a national or state park, IN FRONT OF THE PARK RANGERS? You know what, fuck that, are they allowing it?
  
• Springsteen allegedly playing a Les Paul? Since When is The Boss a Gibson person?
  
• So, Goatse attacks the bullies attacking the kid, by pecking them and their clothes, then they're left in their underwear, and then he tells them "it's time to go commando!" First off, they're in their underwear, which is exactly the opposite of going commando. Second, isn't that a bit too adult for a movie for kids? Okay, so, looking at the trope page for going commando, it looks like there are examples of kids' shows making light of the issue, but, then again, Goatse makes a Tinder joke at one point.
  
• So, one of the poachers shat on the other's trunk?
  
• Also, apparently, the kid's joined a band and their setlists are exactly what you'd expect from a Woody Woodpecker movie. Including this song:
  
  
  
  
• And he attempted to start a fire in a Winnebago that STILL HAD A PERSON IN IT. Fortunately, she's back to normal in the next scene.
  
• Are they saying the poachers are dumb enough to build a giant shed/shrine to their crimes against wildlife IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING PARK?
  
• Why is Goatse kind of fooled by such a shitty arts and crafts project as this
  
  And why does it look like the poachers centered their cage so poorly?
• And what was the point of the sock on a stick the villain uses while trying to appease Goatse.
  
• So, the moral of the story is corruption is A-OK.
  
• Why does the banjo sound like a mandolin?
  
• Also, apparently, Goatse can do a good impression of drums with some pencils and tin cans. And he saves the day, despite easily being the weakest part of the performance and nobody even knowing he's there.
  
• Does he seriously think they're going to release Goatse back into the wild? He was already living in the wild for all his fucking life.
  
• The credits are starting and there's over 10 minutes left in the film. That's rarely a good sign.
  
• And the reason the credits started so early is they decided to play one of the actual shorts, specifically "NIagara Fools." I was ready to rip into this for daring to show one of the classic shorts and showcasing why what they were doing was wrong. Then I looked it up: this is one of the later shorts, one where it's generally acknowledged that the shorts dropped massively in quality, and given that it revolves around Woody repeatedly tricking a Niagara Park ranger into going down the falls in a barrel, often with very limited animation that doesn't even have the excuse of looking interesting. In fact, I'm convinced the first five times the ranger goes down, they just repeated the same fucking scene. And yet, in Brazil, it's apparently the most popular short. You know what, here's the Reverend's response to the entire Brazilian Woody Woodpecker fanbase:
  
  
  

Are there any redeeming qualities to this movie? Well, Eric Bauza's performance is fairly decent, even if it is held back by this goatshit script. Maybe if there's actual legit Woody Woodpecker media after this, he'd be a good voice actor. And since I've run out of So Bad They're Horrible films available on Netflix, I'll have to rely on YouTube for that until the quarantine is over. Fortunately, a few films on the library list are actually on YouTube, and, of course, quite a few that weren't as well. So far, I'm thinking something like Kinky, Who's Your Caddy?, If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, and Food Fight. I should point out that, naturally, this hinges on whether or not they're actually available, and since three of the four are still under copyright and may have been taken down in the interim.