The Last Movie You Watched

[Angrboda]

Hamlet.

[Gwaithmir]

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Dracula 3000. I chose this instead of Mortal Kombat: Annihilation because yesterday, I went to Half Price Books and I saw it in the clearance rack. 

• I think that barely-watchable shot of what looks like Dick van Patten freaking out while holding a crucifix in space all happening within the cover of The Secret?
  
• Evidently, this movie is basically Alien except with the main characters being given names from the original Dracula novel.
  
• So, you have Udo Kier in your vampire movie and you don't even have him play the vampire?
  
  
  
• Coolio is the biggest hoodrat stereotype, one who won't stop talking about his dick, and why the fuck did he get into this space program? And do people still call each other Daddy-O in the year 3000?
  
• You can only recieve incoming messages? Is recieving outgoing messages even possible?
  
• Can you even use a hookah in space? 
  
• Casper van Dien calls the black guy on the crew that isn't Coolio "big, black, and ugly," and tells him that's the only reason he puts up with him. Our hero!
  
• Of course, there's no snakes in space. They'd be dead in a couple minutes at the very best.
  
• They banned Christianity in 2800? I wonder what led to that? 
  
• Is it just me or does that skeleton look like it's plastic?
  
• Fucking Christ, it took them until 2950 for the people of Earth to legalize weed?  Also, is it weird that the two black guys are the only ones obsessed with pot?
  
• Wait, did Russia go back to the USSR at some point in this timeline? 
  
• Wow. An entire room on this spaceship with dozens of coffins. I hope this actually comes into play later in the movie and that the movie isn't so incompetent that they're not even going to follow up.
  
• Those coffins have to be flimsy as fuck if all it takes is a guy stomping on the lid to open it up.
  
• They like snorting human ashes, too?
  
• Why is the big black dude so reluctant to help reset Coolio's leg?
  
• Coolio makes the most preposterous vampire since Edward Cullen.
  
• Dude, she's shooting the vampire. He's just clearly immune to bullets.
  
• Coolio wants to kill Aurora. But he wants to titty-fuck her first.
  
• Why the fuck is that vampire just there now? And why is he just some random pasty guy in a cape I could probably get at Spirit when they come back in season?
  
• Hey, vampire, are you even going to answer her question about who you are?
  
• Why is there a canvas of the Soviet Flag?
  
• The ship came from the planet Transylvania? Isn't that in the transsexual galaxy?
  
• How the fuck did she know anything about Orlock? And why are they even naming it Orlock? As a nod to Nosferatu? Why isn't Casper van Dien's character named Bulwer, or the Professor Harding, or Mina Murray Ellen Hutter? Just saying, if you're going to homage a classic of German Expressionist cinema, why not go all the way?
  
• Of all the things the black guy wants to know, it's the race of the vampire?
  
• Why is the blonde girl suddenly horribly dubbed?
  
• Are they looking up past versions of Dracula so they can find out what's going on? 
  
• So, Vampire!Coolio does a speech about how black people should stick together so he can get the other guy to set him free so he can attack him. There's some racist subtext here, but I'm not sure what it is.
  
• Comptonian? Is that a planet now too? 
  
• Caspar van Dien is really fucking stupid if he thinks repeatedly shooting Coolio is going to kill him. Even after trying and failing at point-blank range multiple times.
  
• All those fucking coffins are full of ashes. Of course they are. What a convenient time-waster.
  
• Also, Nina Harker, who barely even appeared in this movie, is apparently a vampire now. And she gets killed by a pool cue almost immediately after being discovered.
  
• How convenient that there's an entire room full of crucifixes on this ship.
  
• It took "come walk with me" for the Professor to almost fall under the spell of Orlock?
  
• And what a twist, Van Helsing becomes a vampire. 
  
• Does the pool cue have to stay in a vampire's heart for it to stay dead? This may be a thing in other vampire films, but I find this ridiculous.
  
• Why did that fucking coffin explode?
  
• So, I just figured out: part of their plan is to pilot their spaceship close enough to a sun to make Orlock die. So, how exactly are they going to expose him when there's no windows apparent on the ship? Well, it turns out that they're going to crash into one of them, and we find this out because one of the black guys carries the blonde girl (over his shoulder) to have sex, and then the ship explodes.
  

Next week, another bastardisation of a 19th century literary classic with Golden Films' adaptation of Hunchback of Notre Dame.

[Gwaithmir]

[Foxaèr]

Uncharted (Netflix)

Street-smart Nathan Drake is recruited by seasoned treasure hunter Victor "Sully" Sullivan to recover a fortune amassed by Ferdinand Magellan, and lost 500 years ago by the House of Moncada.

I enjoyed the games, and plus Tom Holland is hot.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Golden Films' mockbuster of The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

• It's not even a second in and they're already assaulting our ears.
  
• Huh. The Romani were targeted with genocide in the Disney version, and here, everyone loves them.
  
• Why is Gaston here and why is he in enough power to outlaw fun? And why is he talking about how he banned singing after dark when it's still light out?
  
• Is that fair-skinned brunette they called Melody supposed to be Esmeralda?  And if she's a Romani, I'm Django Reinhardt.
  
• Did those living castanets just vanish into her torso?
  
• Where's Quasi? A good question. It's seven minutes into this 44-minute movie and he's barely even there. And then he randomly appears to go "Unhand her, Dan Blackslide" on Gaston.
  
• You know, Gaston has a point. If you're being targeted by someone, it's probably a bad idea to loudly play music.
  
• So, why will just Melody be safe in Notre-Dame? Why not the rest of the Romanis?
  
• Huh. I'd wonder if the knowledge that Quasimodo and Gaston are half-brothers will come back into play. Maybe they'll treat it like a major twist later in the film even though they just mentioned.
  
• Huh. I would never have guessed that the bats were foot fetishists, too.
  
• Why is a movie that's only 44 minutes long and based on a book that's over 500 pages so filled with padding? Why do we have to spend so much time having  Melody's instruments complaining about going up and down stairs?
  
• She actually had to be reminded to be scared of Quasimodo. Also, he's not ugly. He's got an emo hairstyle and he slouches.
  
• This bargain bin swing sounds like a jarring contrast to the music played in the last 18 minutes. And why is there an echo on the backing track?
  
• Little Timmy's Stuck in the Well? Why the fuck are we doing this with bells?
  
• Why are they ripping off Bye Bye Birdie? They were apparently afraid to use the name Esmeralda, but they saw no problem with ripping off "Put on a Happy Face"?
  
• So, did that magic actually do anything with that cat? 
  
• It's fucking incredible, really. They had a perfectly servicable 19th century novel to bastardise, and instead, they somehow managed to adapt a 19th century narrative poem.
  
  
  
• And why is Quasimodo suddenly not a hunchback anymore?
  
• The flanging on the audio of the last song is so interesting that I don't even care that the animation's even more shit than usual or that the song itself has no purpose except to play out the movie.
  
• My God, Gaston and Quasi are brothers? What a major revelation. Even if it was already explained to the audience earlier.
  
• So, if you're deformed, all you have to do is stand up for yourself and you won't be deformed anymore? Is this what talk about self-improvement sounds like to incels? 
  

Next week, a movie I never expected to be on streaming, Leonard Part 6.

[Gwaithmir]

[Foxaèr]

The Night House

A widow begins to uncover her recently deceased husband's disturbing secrets.

[Foxaèr]

Border

A customs officer who can smell fear develops an unusual attraction to a strange traveler while aiding a police investigation which will call into question her entire existence.

[Foxaèr]

A Dark Place

When a young boy goes missing in a sleepy backwoods town, a local sanitation truck driver, Donald, plays detective, embarking on a precarious and obsessive investigation.