The Last Movie You Watched

[The Valkyrie]

Ralph Wrecks the Internet.

Fell asleep halfway through.

Will rewatch and give my opinion later.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, strap in, and grab your Robotic Booklight high-tech communication device, because we're watching Stranded.

Yes, going into it, all I know about this movie is that its budget is so low they had to resort to using cheap-ass gadgets as proper sci-fi gadgets, well, that and the derivative plot. The first two minutes or so, it just looks like a normal, bog-standard Sci-fi movie. But then, two minutes and 30 seconds into the film, you see Christian Slater pressing a button on a booklight and shouting a frantic evacuation announcement into it like it's some sort of communication device (seriously, you have a fucking computer, use it). Fortunately, mine's a different model, since it has a square end and is chrome, whereas the one in the film looks like a black version of this:





Seriously, when you have a moonbase in mortal danger, and the thing that dominates your mind is "that comms device looks a lot like a booklight I got for Christmas like 15 years ago," you know your immersion in the story is ruined. And to do it so blatantly before the three-minute mark is a special kind of incompetence. This isn't like, say, MST3K, where we have robots made out of lacrosse masks, tupperware, bowling pins, candy dispensers, barrels, candy bowls, a flashlight, drainage tubing, and baby seats, but it's not meant to be taken seriously (and it really helps that Servo, Crow, and Gypsy have plenty of personality to make up for the clearly low production values), because it looks like it's supposed to be serious and nobody seems to be having fun with this bullshit.

And speaking of this bullshit, it's about time I discussed something other than that booklight, isn't it? Well, let's talk a bit about Roger Christian, the director. He got his start working in production design, winning an Oscar for his work on Star Wars: A New Hope, and being nominated yet again for Alien. And eventually, he branched out into directing, and he made a bunch of films, including the short film Black Angel and his feature debut The Sender, lauded by none other than Quentin Tarantino. He made some more films, far more obscure, until he got wrangled into directing a little film called Battlefield Earth. I was willing to assume that this was just a fluke. After all, he had to deal with adapting the stupidest novel ever written, and according to J.D. Shapiro, L. Ron Hubbard made a lot of notes about how he wanted the book to be adapted and the Co$ insisted on putting all of them into the film (apparently, the omnipresent Dutch Angles were Hubbard's idea because he noticed that the villains' lairs in the Adam West Batman series were shot at an angle, and decided he wanted the whole damn film shot like that.) With this in mind, I assumed he was just a competent director hamstrung with horrible material he didn't have much of a say in. Sure, I didn't actually watch anything else he did, but surely he wasn't a total loss as a filmmaker, right?

Well, 13 years later, he finally had a chance to do a theatrical film again, and this time... it's pretty much Alien, except with fuck all in the way of a budget, and everything is worse. It follows the plot of the original film pretty closely, but with the alarming fact that, well, unlike the original film, where the alien is introduced like this:



It's introduced because the main actress ends up with a Mystical Pregnancy that lasts a couple hours at most. And it's born in the standard way. And she's under quarantine, but the other characters keep coming into the quarantine room anyway with no protection. Yes, everyone in this movie is a fucking idiot (seriously, the film's plot is set off by the fact that they go out and pick up a meteorite with these weird spores while their air supply is still compromised), spouting off the most basic of dialogue (although it looks like Christian Slater is trying hard to rise above this shit. Well, at least there's always Mr. Robot.) Also, this may or may not be a Carbon Monoxide poisoning hallucination. Except it totally isn't.

And at least they use practical effects and makeup. And the lighting is so poor you at least don't have to see how shit it all is. Well, at least it's a bit enjoyable for how stupid it all is. Not quite at Guardians level, but still worth the wait for the utter stupidity.

[The Valkyrie]

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Solid 8 all around.

[Fake Messiah]

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Solid 8 all around.

Hey what happened with Ralph Wrecks the Internet? You promised a review.

[The Valkyrie]

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

Solid 8 all around.

Hey what happened with Ralph Wrecks the Internet? You promised a review.

True.

Watched that without falling asleep this time. It had nothing to do with the movie, just general exhaustion after the weekend.

I don't think Ralph Wrecks the Internet was as good as the original, but it had some great parts i give it 6.5 to 7.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I summarized "Alien" with three words. "Kill, kill, kill."

[Silver]

Unicorn Store

A woman named Kit receives a mysterious invitation that would fulfill her childhood dreams.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I've watched all three Blade movies in the past twenty four hours. They hold up very well.

[Silver]

I've watched all three Blade movies in the past twenty four hours. They hold up very well.

I think I saw the first one, but I can't be sure.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

I've watched all three Blade movies in the past twenty four hours. They hold up very well.

I think I saw the first one, but I can't be sure.

It's "Twilight" for adults.