The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

And now for Part 2 of this week's Deep Hurting Project Double Feature: Mega Piranha.

• Fortunately, they've got some cheesy background music, and brief clips from the film on the DVD menu this time around. A marked improvement.
  
• As is the opening scene set near the Orinoco river where two "Teenagers" swim and get attacked by piranhas. Good on you. At least this makes sense. Why everything is washed out and looks brown, I don't know, but at least it makes some sort of sense.
  
• So, they show a brief establishing shot of a Puerto Ayacucho, Venezuela and cut back, through a seizure-inducingly-quick series of establishing shots to the exact same riverbank from the previous scene? Twice? IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES?
  
• What the fuck is with the editing in this movie? There are frequent montage scenes where most of the shots include: quick pans like the camera was attached to a softball, random upticks in camera speed near the end of every shot, a whooshing sound at the end, and a quick fade to white for every cut.
  
• Also, literally every time a character is introduced, we cut to a black-and-white still of said character at the moment with their name and job. Is this seriously their way of trying to put character in these characters?
  
• Fortunately, it looks like the Asylum's VFX budget has been upgraded all the way up to PS2 levels.
  
  
  
• Jesus, that was quick. The guy has one knife-fight with the fish, and he knows everything about them, where their home base is, what sort of experiments they were made from, and how quick they'll double their populations.
  
• And while we're on that, who the fuck thought making piranha populations double every TWELVE HOURS was a good idea? 
  
• Okay, so I got a bit sidetracked, how the fuck are these piranhas exploding? And why are they launching kamikaze attacks on the town?
  
  
  
• I got to hand it to the Asylum: they're at least improving on the absurdity of their action scenes. It's at least less boring than Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And the pacing is at least better.
  

[EgoDeath]

Re-watched Catch Me If You Can recently for the second or third time. What an amazing story... We live in a world, of course, where almost everything Frank Abagnale got away with would be totally impossible today. But it's cool to think about living life like that. That dude had balls of steel. As a movie it wasn't anything breathtaking cinematically, but I think it's an amazing movie just because of how great the story is, and how well most of the parts are acted. Definitely a must-watch if you haven't seen it.

[Smedders]

Terminator Genysis. Not bad, but can't help feeling they should have left it at T3.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Re-watched Catch Me If You Can recently for the second or third time. What an amazing story... We live in a world, of course, where almost everything Frank Abagnale got away with would be totally impossible today. But it's cool to think about living life like that. That dude had balls of steel. As a movie it wasn't anything breathtaking cinematically, but I think it's an amazing movie just because of how great the story is, and how well most of the parts are acted. Definitely a must-watch if you haven't seen it.

Maybe I’ll give it another go. I found it so tedious that I kept dozing off.

Boru

[EgoDeath]

Re-watched Catch Me If You Can recently for the second or third time. What an amazing story... We live in a world, of course, where almost everything Frank Abagnale got away with would be totally impossible today. But it's cool to think about living life like that. That dude had balls of steel. As a movie it wasn't anything breathtaking cinematically, but I think it's an amazing movie just because of how great the story is, and how well most of the parts are acted. Definitely a must-watch if you haven't seen it.

Maybe I’ll give it another go. I found it so tedious that I kept dozing off.

Boru

Yeah, maybe give it another try. I've fallen in love with plenty of movies the second or third time around. Keep in mind, Catch Me If You Can is no action-packed thriller... It is a bit of a slow-burn by nature so you might just not be into that kind of film. Or maybe you'd be more interested in the book? Not sure.

[Mister Agenda]

Watched Underwater yesterday. Someone's read Call of Cthulhu and watched the Abyss and Cloverfield.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser. I remembered watching the original Joe Dirt and liking it. Then again, I was an underclassman in high school at the very oldest the last time I watched it. So, in preparation for this, I rewatched it. It did not hold up, but I suppose I can see why it developed a cult following. So, it somehow ended up with a sequel with none of its dubious charms that went Direct-to-Crackle, and eventually came to DVD.

• Dennis Miller's Xander Kelly has gone from a LA shock jock to some guy sitting in front of a gas station in the middle of nowhere, talking with some inbred redneck who can barely speak English. There's some commentary for the trajectory of his career post 9/11 and going full neocon in there somewhere.
  
• So, we first see Joe sitting on a park bench talking to some old lady talking about his shoes. As if the original wasn't already a white trash Happy Madison version of Forrest Gump without the history.
  
• Cleaning up feces after a rock concert? What the shit kind of concerts ARE these?
  
• Why is he re-enacting the Sopranos opening?
  
• You know, I'm well aware that Britanny Murphy died years before the film was made, but could you at least get someone who at least looked and acted a bit like her?
  
• I don't know what's worse: the fact that the doctor's smoking in a labor room or the fact that the cigarette and its smoke is clearly CGI.
  
• Why is that one guy barely reacting to having an Epiphone SG broken over his upper back?
  
• There's only one movie that should be allowed to devote an absurdly long scene to farting, and it's called Blazing Saddles.
  
• Revolutions only happen when the oppressed masses get a taste of what they could have and never when things are so bad they can't take it anymore? I'd advise you to read The People's Revolution by Orlando Figes. Or, for that matter, look into the 1959 revolution in Cuba.
  
• The fuck did that scene of Joe Dirt's triplets asking to be treated like North West have to do with anything?
  
• And why is the version of REO Speedwagon's "Riding the Storm Out" so shit? Brian Lee Clarke, fuck you. The one thing I can unreservedly praise about the original is that it had a kick-ass classic rock soundtrack. This fucks even that up.
  
• So, Joe Dirt hides in a trailer during a tornado, and this means he travels to 1965? And it turns into Wizard of Oz with Joe Dirt becoming the head of a biker gang and wearing his boots. You know, I'd actually consider a retread of the original to be a step up.
  
• The vulture is a mean bird? I highly recommend you watch this: 
  
  
  
• This movie is so bogged down in rambling about shit and expositing about the classic "dick in a popcorn box" trick. Sorry, "thingy in a popcorn box." This movie isn't rated. Is there any reason they're so circumspect about the word "penis" or any of its synonyms? Especially since the payoff is that he gets jerked off by his parents.
  
• Why does Buffalo Bob look a lot older than he does 35 years in the future? I always thought he and Joe Dirt were in the same age cohort. He'd have to be fucking ANCIENT for him to look this old in the sequel.
  
• And why would Silver Age comics be the big nest egg he buries in his yard? That's Golden Age comics. And why does nobody dig it up, even though it's marked as blatantly as it is?
  
• I know Joe Dirt is an idiot, but why does he take THIS FUCKING LONG to understand he's in 1965?
  
• And could they really not get Kid Rock to reprise his role? Did they have to give Mike McGrath a similar role? I actually like Sugar Ray. Admittedly, only between Memorial Day and Labor Day, but still. 
  
• And for that matter, why is Patrick Warburton in this movie? Was he this fucking bored waiting for Venture Brothers Season 6 that he made this?
  
• And of course he meets Lynyrd Skynyrd. They're a surf band called The Wildcats, and when Joe Dirt insists on changing their names, they keep spitting out 1980s artists' names.
  
• And they look like clean-cut youngsters when a huge part of their contention with him (and a big part of why they named the band after him out of spite) was that they didn't like his policy against long hair?
  
• And why is he doing the slide intro to "Freebird" when he clearly doesn't have a slide on his finger, and the angle chosen shows that his fingers are clearly not touching the fretboard? That's a new level of fake playing guitar.
  
• So, Joe Dirt heard about the plane crash that killed off half of Lynyrd Skynyrd when he was eight, when, according to this film, he was born in 1965? And even that contradicts the original, because, and I had to check one of those transcript sites, he was born in 1971 in the original film, and would have been six when they crashed. Jesus, this is basic math combined with understanding the film you care enough about to give a sequel long after anyone stopped caring.
  
  
  
• So, he goes from getting raped by a bunch of hot transwomen on a hobo car (and I don't know why these refugees from r/shemales be on a hobo car in 1965), and all of a sudden, he dreams of Kicking Wing Ass and debates him about the wisdom of selling weed, and then he dreams of Xander Kelly telling him he's dreaming, then he gets his kidney harvested, and then he's explaining one of those mooing cow cans, then he's spending 12 years on a desert island (that's actually Miami). Why the fuck does one scene follow another in this film?
  
• So, he can eat a jellyfish without any ill effects?
  
• Why do these girls have to end every line by calling Joe Dirt "Bigfoot?" Do they have the same disease George III had that made him end every sentence with "peacock?"
  
• "I just keep getting stupider and stupider." Finally, he's right about something.
  
• So, why does Clem not remember Joe Dirt in the original if he was a major partner in his mob operations?
  
• Why does he need to get back to where he met Brandy? By this point, the other Joe Dirt should probably be getting abandoned in the Grand Canyon about now.
  
• His balls were punched so hard that they bumped against his heart and ended in his stomach? And they can be yanked back in place (or rather, a bit lower than normal)? And the biggest issue is that they hang low enough that they can get flushed down an airplane toilet?
  
• This dog does not liik like he's got his balls stuck to a porch. And Brandy does not dress like it's 40 below.
  
• And now, Patrick Warburton is a ghost? And he's trying to sexually harrass Joe Dirt? And talking about bumper stickers? Dafuq?
  
• And what even happened to the time travel now? He went to the eighties and now the present day, I think?
  
• And why is Silvertown a slum? Is this going to be a It's a Wonderful Life ripoff now? And why would Mark McGrath have enough money to buy a town and then run it straight into the ground?
  
• Mark McGrath talks about Mark McGrath and compares tampons (to be soaked in vodka and used as suppositories) to iPods? Look, it's the middle of the fucking night, can I please go a single fucking minute without yelling "WHAT?" at the top of my lungs?
  
• Please tell me this isn't "Blue Monday" playing when Joe Dirt meets SluttyHot!Brandy.
  
• I am legitimately baffled at the fact that it's all just a dream. Dafuq?
  
• And why is the soundtrack listing in the credits so out of order?

Okay, fun fact: Apparently Roger Ebert considered the original one of the worst films he ever saw. I can only imagine how much worse he would have taken this movie if he didn't die two years before the movie was made. The humour is even shittier; the plot has enough holes to fill the Royal Albert Hall; every scene either goes on too damn long or (far more rarely) is so short you have no idea what's going on; and for fans of the original, it's impossible to reconcile anything with the original film, which makes it all the more galling that this movie keeps ripping off other movies, much better than even the original, and not even the deep cuts. This is probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Certainly the worst comedy. I legitimately did not expect it to be this fucking bad. I was expecting more Happy Madison excess, not something this fundamentally broken! At least it's not boring. That's the one reason I don't put this as worse than Kiara the Brave. That and I can see some talent in Dennis Miller and the scene where Joe Dirt drives a train into a limo is actually kinda amusing.

[onlinebiker]

Dude......

You put more thought into the review than we put in the film.......



Signed

David Spade

[Brian37]

I just watched "I Wake Up Screaming" 1941.  Murder mystery. Very good. 

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"John Wick 3" and "Godzilla" are streaming right now. I haz a happy.