The Last Movie You Watched

[The Valkyrie]

Nerd alert!

I bought the Skywalker Saga boxed set today.  So I've started watching the movies in order.

Phantom Menace through to Revenge of the Sith.
Solo
Rogue One
Then episodes 4 to 9.

Are you atoning for some horrible sin?

Boru

Are you channeling Drich?

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Ok, I deserved that.

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

Ok, I deserved that.

Boru

Yes.

But to answer the intent of the question, I actually like Star Wars.

Some movies are better than others, of course

[Gawdzilla Sama]

Comic book movies are fun. No higher purpose is needed.

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project: 



This is a film made by exploitation filmmaker Ron Ormond, who started off directing exploitation films, turned to Jesus after a 1968 plane crash, and died. He went back to filmmaking, but this time around, they were even cheaper, more shamelessly exploitative, and exponentially more religious. The first of these films is 1971's If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, a paraphrase of Jeremiah 12:5 into perfect Iambic Pentameter, and a synthesis of Jack Chick-adjacent religious thought and the most hysterical anti-Communism scare rhetoric possible.

• 2:40: Damn, the more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?
  
• 3:02: Communist revolution in 24 months? And to think that a bit longer than 24 months after this film was released, the film's first sequel The Burning Hell was released. And three years after that, the same team released yet another sequel The Believer's Heaven. They did not receive their own entry.
  
• 4:49: YEs, this scenario is a bit far-fetched.
  
• 5:57: You know, fun fact, I remember hearing an assembly when I went to Notre Dame, about a man whose friend was inconstant in his faith, then he went on Kairos and he became a priest. He was eventually killed by the Khmer Rouge. My response "you know what, maybe going on Kairos isn't a good idea." 
  
• 6:18: And cue Billy Strange's tremolo guitar and Nancy Sinatra's voice.
  
• 9:00: Damn, do they not have those little donation cards and pencils? She could be playing Knife in the Water and making a more productive use of her time.
  
• 9:46: or Drop the Soap.
  
• 10:30: And of course they don't mention the seven erotic zones. And I'm going to assume that if feet aren't among them, he's just a charlatan.
  
• 10:57: I'm going to go out on a limb and say Estus just watched that episode of Breadwinners where Buhdeuce decides to go Roman Polanski on a girl in summer camp.
  
• 11:30: Or you can read a chapter or two while watching the TV. I do that sometimes.
  
• 12:31: Music by Henry Cowell.
  
• 13:12: 47% of returning vets use drugs. Gee, I wonder if this might have something to do with the hellish condition of the war. Or the hopeless nature of having to deal with a war where the enemy can be literally fucking anyone.
  
• 14:31: or they can just look up other churches.
  
• 14:47: There wasn't a single communist in the world in 1911?
  
• 15:00: And by a week, I mean about a third of a century.
  
• 16:14: COMMUNIST REGALIA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!
  
• 17:16: Do these Commies not have fucking cars? I mean, sure, it's not like the original USSR had a strange fetish for tractors, or that these communists would be inheriting the single largest automotive industry on the planet at the time.
  
• 19:00: What the fuck even is that accent? My Dad thinks it's Hungarian.
  
• 20:47: Why is Fidel Castro the communist leader of the US?
  
• 21:08: I liked this plot better when James Clavell did it.
  
• 21:36: Why do I get the feeling that if prisons were doing shit like this in your state, you wouldn't bat a fucking eye, Estus?
  
• 22:02: So, you're living in a country that's fanatically Anti-Christian, but are also a Christian yourself. Do you A) move to a more secluded space, like the Christians in the times of persecution had to go into the catacombs, or B) HOLD SERVICES IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPEN FIELD? If the Answer is B, you might just be one of the people who made this film.
  
• 23:29: YAAA444Y. No more Bible Less-
  
• 23:36: Well that was a disappointing twist.
  
• 23:50: Why does getting bamboo rods in your ears make you puke some substance I'm fairly certain isn't vomit?
  
• 24:32: So, they have Jeeps. Why not use them instead of horses?
  
• 26:06: Now these accents have gone from Hungarian to Mexican.
  
• 28:00: There's no valentines between me, the Soviet Union, the PRC, or North Korea, but when I see these stats:
  Maybe if they were across the lifetimes of Stalin, Mao, or the Kim Dynasty, they might be plausible, but there's no way in Hell all of them were Christians, especially in Korea or China.
  
• 28:24: And by "one of the top Communists in America today", I mean Denis Diderot. Maybe.
  
• 28:30: How does he have all this inside information?
  
• 30:13: And he's outlining his secret plan to deny his faith WITHIN EARSHOT OF THE COMMUNIST GOON.
  
• 30:23: I'd like to imagine the Communist goon having a sudden twinge of concern, saying something like "Your mother, is she suicidal?" And, on some level, he'd say this out of some legit concern
  
• 31:18: The Nazis didn't do brutal torture? Josef Mengele would like a word with you. Last Podcast on the Left episode 349 would be a good place to start.
  
• 34:27: Gee, that sounds a lot like what you're doing. This juxtaposition couldn't be more perfect if it were intentional. Or, for that matter, a fellow Independent Fundamentalist Baptist preacher was doing shit in a context very similar to the like this around this time. And while I don't know about any connection between Pirkle and Roloff, while, if Jack "The embodiment of my Jesse Custer Meme" Hyles had a guest appearance in The Believer's Heaben, a connection to Roloff can't be too far behind.
  
• 36:28: This sounds like the exact sort of conditions that allow a successful Communist revolution. Seriously, I've read that the big reason that it took until 1917 for ANY attempts at a Communist revolution to pay off is that, in the 19th Century, between brutal repressions, some governments (including most of the developed European Nations and the US) figured out that the Marxists had good points, and incorporated into their pre-existing capitalist systems. The nations that resisted the hardest, like Russia? They fell to Communism.
  
• 37:58: This has to be the worst cover of "All I Have to Do Is Dream" I've ever heard.
  
• 43:52: Well, that's clearly fake. "Wow! I didn't even have to fire! They just died and started spurting blood on their own!" 
  
• 45:05: Now, he's gone full Deep South. It's almost like they were shit actors.
  
• 45:38: What dollar store costume did they get that knife from?
  
• 52:16: Yes, I will come. But first I have to finish dinner, take a bath, and fire up some Deviantart.
  

[Gwaithmir]

[arewethereyet]

Yesterday in the need for a break from real life I worked on a new jigsaw puzzle and watched:

Ice Age
Finding Nemo
The Jungle Book (Disney Animated)

[Fake Messiah]

I was re-watching a Spanish movie Truman (2015). It is a feel-good movie although it's about a guy who is dying - kind of bizarre.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

‘Taxi Driver.’ Holds up.

Boru

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, Food Fight.



A month and a half ago, I wrote an article for Anglotopia about the Nazi Titanic film, which has one of the most bonkers production backstory I've ever heard for a film. This film has a production story that rivals it. It was originally conceived as the ad mascot equivalent to Wreck-it Ralph or Toy Story and was apparently the first film to use Motion Capture. It spent over a decade in varying degrees of production, and at one point, the hard drives containing all the animation were stolen, never to be recovered (although apparently, there was one Reddit thread where someone who claimed to be an animator on the film said the rooms containing the hard drives were under such high security that it had to have been intentionally erased). So, they had to restart from Square One, with a director who went around the animation rooms asking animators to make things 30% cooler, asked for more vulgar humour, and decided to voice a main supporting character. Eventually, the bank whose loans financed the film lost their patience and demanded a finished project, so they took what they had, converted it into something that looks a bit like a finished project if you kind of squint at it, and released it briefly in British theaters in 2012 because of contractual obligations, and then they released it direct to DVD everywhere else.

• 0:31: Well, that's the least underwhelming title sequence I've ever seen in an animated feature.
  
• 1:44: How does animation manage to look this convolutedly detailed and yet so lazy? Okay, I know why.
  
• 2:50: What the fuck was that? And why is there no stylistic unity within this city? It's not like these are different neighbourhoods like in Zootopia. And why does this city look nothing like an actual
  
• 3:15: So, he's on a fight with a giant rat and four pigs hairless hamsters practicing fake martial arts on top of a hot air balloon. Dafuq?
  
• 3:50: So, how do they stay in mid-air so fucking long?  Is it a revival of the old "character doesn't know they're floating in midair until they look down" gag? Because the timing's way off and they still stay in midair for a few seconds after looking down and they don't all go down at once.
  
• 5:08: So, his sidekick is a talking piece of shit.
  
• 5:41: I hope this isn't what I think it is.
  
• 6:14: I never want to hear a word against the uncanny cat-people that populate the world of the 2019 Cats movie ever again. It can, in fact, be a hell of a lot worse.
  
• 9:03: And so wasteful...
  
• 9:50: He went through all the trouble of creating a giant piece of sky art of Dex proposing to Sunshine and she still doesn't get it.
  
• 10:55: what the everlasting fuck is he doing? Why is he walking like that? What the fuck is going on in Christopher Lloyd's career to make him do this?
  
• 12:12: For a film that's supposed to be showcasing all these advertising mascots, I'm noticing a distinct lack of their presence.
  
• 13:00: Funny thing, I'm planning on watching the 12 Angry Men soon, and thye went so far as to create a mock-up poster with proper parody names on the bottom. It's almost like the guy who put it in put more effort into this than the people who put this piece of shit out.
  
• 13:50: I can't help but notice that A) the talking piece of shit has a mouth like Mushmouth from Fat Albert, and B) What he says doesn't match up with his mouth at all.
  
• 16:14: And we have what looks like a cross between an ultrarealistic chocolate bunny and yet another talking piece of shit, this time shiny in anal juices, except this one is apparently a weasel.
  
• 17:57: I'll be damned! We get actual characters I recognise.
  
• 19:07: Wait, I just figured out, is the first piece of shit supposed to be a flying squirrel? Do the filmmakers even know the difference between rodents and fecal matter?
  
• 19:48: IS that a fucking lawyer-friendly version of "Livin' La Vida Loca?"
  
• 20:02: CASABLANCA! CASAFUCKINGBLANCA! MOTHERFUCKING CASABLANCA!
  
• 21:19: The fuck was that about?
  
• 22:57: Wow, that was a convenient milk spill. Didn't even seep into that rug or anything.
  
• 25:50: Well, that was conveniently contrived.
  
• 27:26: Goddam, that's a bad skin condition
  
• 28:50:  Goddammit, we lose Alison Lohman's character in Drag Me to Hell to a poorly-timed backup and getting dragged to Hell and the shitweasel has to be pushed off and he SURVIVES?
  
• 30:54: Is that a [i]Parteiadler[/i] in front of the Brand X HQ?
  
• 31:49: Kicking a bunch of sharp objects into the air with a high-heeled sandal, that can't be a good idea.
  
• 37:31: Well, at least they're taking inspiration from other eras of German militarism with that Pickelhaube.
  
• 38:02: Why is there no sense of scale with that nose guy? Why does his size keep changing within the same fucking shot?
  
• 39:04: Addictive and toxic? Someone's getting their business destroyed. And please tell me that's not the voice of Wooldor Sockbat.
  
• 40:29: And so we finally have to deal with the supermarket during the day, and it matches absolutely nothing in the main film.
  
• 41:12: Could they have come up with a more repulsive model for the humans?
  
• 47:37: And to think that having a desirable mascot can actually screw with a product, like Erin Esurance, the fact that launched 1000 Rule 34 images. And approximately Zero new cases of people changing their insurance.
  
• 50:34: That's not a shredder.
  
• 50:50: La Marsellaise competing with the Nazi... FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! That Casablanca reference earlier wasn't just there. They're seriously ripping off this touching scene from the original and stripping it of any context that made this poignant?
  
  
  To be fair, it's not like they had any actual refugees from the Nazis as part of this horseshit.
• 57:10: So, it looks like the day is saved and... we still have 34 minutes left of this shit.
  
• 57:50: Those look more like caulk guns than whipped cream canisters.
  
• 58:25: also, Why the fuck did the hairless hamsters join Dex?
  
• 58:59: And they couldn't get their ketchup guns to work properly.
  
  
  Given what I know about the V2 Rocket programme, it seems in character for ersatz Nazis to not think their weapons through.
• 61:55: What the actual fuck is that midget singing about?
  
  
• 63:44: Shitweasel is turning into diarrhea.
  
• 63:59: I swear this tin foil construction thing reminds me of something, but I don't know what.
  
• 65:52: Note to self, jelly donuts make shit percussion.
  
• 74:52: And thus the lizard man became an ABDL.
  
• 78:29: So, Christopher Lloyd was a robot all along?
  
• 78:54: Exactly!
  
• 80:31: And if Deuce Bigelow: European Gigolo made the project, I'd have two films where women with penises for noses make an appearance. 
  
• 82:04: Please, I just watched all of Drawn Together and they did this joke a Hell of a lot better.
  
• 82:29: Why don't I do that with my fisherman's cap?
  

And, fortunately, this isn't the only Deep Hurting Project film I'm going to do this week. You see, the library's going to reopen for curbside pickup, and I've decided to place a hold on a Deep Hurting Project film to celebrate: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star a 97-minute paean to Nick Swardson's tiny penis.  For the record, I've also added Love Streams and The Scarlet Empress at the same time.

---

‘Taxi Driver.’ Holds up.

Boru

#2 favourite film of all time!