The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

Is this it?





Or maybe this movie I almost bought on DVD about a year or two ago because I thought it was the previous one:

[AniKoferBo]

I am trying to find a movie I watched A while ago I only caught a glimpse of the movie but in the movie I remember I think a husband and wife were on a vacation or something and it was something about a bed I think the husband cheated on the wife in a specific bed and became trapped him inside the bed and some other lady knew about the bed trapping cheatingMen and eventuallyThe wife got scared because it was a lot of hands coming out of the bed I think she knocked over a candle onto the bed the bed caught fire the other lady couldn’t Escape out of the bed because the hands held her down in the bed burned alive and when police finally came they said it was over a dozen bodies in the bed like a orgy......... I know that is not a very good description of the movie but I watched it when I was like eight years old which was about 18 years ago about 2001-ish and I was not supposed to be watching it and I was telling my mom about this story recently that I still remember this movie and she tells me she never watched it but I watched it from watching her

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

[AniKoferBo]

The Death of Stalin Worth the watch. Gets the humor level right for the situation. I wonder if it would have been just a bit better if I didn't already know the outcome?

[Rev. Rye]

This extra film for the Deep Hurting Project is Holmes and Watson. It wound up becoming the first film (or among the first) to be added to the Project, because, by an extraordinary coincidence, it was released around the time I decided to cross-reference the films on TVTropes' So Bad It's Horrible/Film list with my local library's collection, it's the only film in the Project that's sufficiently British for my other job at Anglotopia, and, by a quirk of nature, it's the last comedy in the library list, and until they allow library materials to be re-circulated so I can watch the Atlas Shrugged trilogy, it's the last non-children's film in the Project (unless, of course, I have to resort to YouTube again, which, frankly, is a distinct possibility.)

So, let's get this out of the way, a clip that, if repeated throughout the film after every failed joke, thus padding the movie to about two hours, could probably improve the movie:

• This film opens with a quote: ""Logic is the sword by which we slay ancient superstitions. But lo, the heart has its own truths to tell us." Attribution: Hannah Montana, Season 2, Episode 4. They're still making jokes about Hannah Montana in 2018. That should speak volumes about how comically vapid this film is.
  
• What kind of dog is this turtle? Is that a Borat reference?
  
  
  At least it's a deep cut.
• Well, that was an ass pull of an origin story.
  
• Why do I get the feeling that the British legal system isn't so incompetent that it'd let someone who's killed all the witnesses to his criminal activity. And the judge spends a shitton of time explaining how he bangs his gavel.
  
• Well, at least they get Sherlock's cocaine habit right.
  
• So, we've got a shitty montage of Sherlock trying on new hats, like a pimp hat, a cowboy hat, a pirate's tricorn, and a MAGA fez.
  
• How many masturbation euphemisms do we need so we can get the point? And how can masturbation lead to terminal illness?
  
• Why go on after Moriarty's gone? It's not like he's only appeared in a single story and that the sudden razor-sharp focus can be and has been chalked up to a cocaine fever-dream.
  
• They're spending a lot of time on a vomiting scene and they're not even showing anything.
  
• Seriously? They're still claiming that demons are the cause of mental illness in America? We're not that backwards, even then.
  
• What the shit kind of sexual fantasies involve running an ice cream stand?
  
• Goddammit, Sherlock puts on several false moustaches in a row, and Watson needs to be told it's Sherlock? Why, exactly, was this film made? In the decade prior to this release, we've had no less than three re-imaginings of the Sherlock Holmes mythos, so why do we need a shitty burlesque that I'm fairly sure wouldn't even have been funny when Nigel Bruce was playing Watson and this might have actually been relevant.
  
• Okay, fun fact: this film bombed during test screenings, so Sony tried to send it off to Netflix. And somehow, the streaming giant that released Death Note, Open House, Bright, Mute, and all these films decided they didn't want anything to do with this piece of shit. So, Sony was stuck with it.
  
• And to think that the telegram sex gag was already obvious when Desmond Pfeiffer did it.
  
• It's amazing, all the best jokes were in the trailer, and even those jokes were still utter shit, like the selfie stick that has a giant bellows camera at the end of it. 
  
• Sherlock Holmes is dumb enough to think that TRYING TO FLUSH QUEEN VICTORIA DOWN THE TOILET is a viable option. Even if they just cut her up and flushed the remains down the toilet, that's how Dennis Nilsen got caught.
  
• No unelected leaders? Are we ignoring the Prime Minister? And insert thinly-veiled references to Trump here. And so they do.
  
• To be fair, maybe America did squander their freedom from the UK. Frankly, the only reason I'd be averse to Britain subsuming the American government is that the current PM is an idiot who doesn't know what side of a capo your fingers belong on. Well, that and I'm not a fan of their stance on Rule 34 or the qualified right to silence
  
• They're telepathic now?
  
• What do you know, they quote this line, implying that someone actually read the damn stories:
  
• Why is he singing? Why is this movie suddenly a musical about 67 minutes in?
  
• And how the fuck did I not know that Mrs. Hudson's played by Kelly MacDonald? Or that she's the one who's responsible for all these crimes?
  
• The climax takes place on the Fucking Titanic? The ship that famously sank midway through its only voyage, which took place well over a decade after Queen Victoria died?
  
  
  
• And the movie ends with Moriarty in Wyoming, and getting a telegram that Holmes and Watson are still alive (even though one would have thought that he'd have gotten word that his daughter's plan to kill the Queen failed), and it turns out that Holmes and Watson themselves sent it, and they're in the saloon with him and then they're not and I have no idea what's going on.
  

Remaining films in the Project:

• Currently on hold, but the library isn't bothering to look: Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
  
• In storage until I think November: The Littlest Light on the Christmas Tree
  
• Checked Out and therefore not an option: The Atlas Shrugged Trilogy, Space Chimps 2
  
• Viable Options: Dwegons and Leprechauns, Fishtales, Norm of the North and its first two sequels (a third sequel has been released but is not in the library's collection and a fourth is apparently still in production), Show Dogs, and Trolland.
  

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to watch The Lighthouse.

[Gawdzilla Sama]

"Greyhound". Very good.

[AniKoferBo]

Frenzy I didn't even know Hitchcock made movies in the 70s. This is a nasty English crime film full of nasty English people, and it's only interested in showing two things: naked women's bodies, and intentionally-nauseating English food. (Not that the English have a stomach for good food either - a margarita is presented as a stomach-turning foreign drink.) The English justice system is also presented as terrible; maybe do the tiniest bit of investigation before the trial next time. Richard Bucket from "Keeping Up Appearances" is there to be an amiable but self-interested English husband, a casting he was evidently born for. In summary, the English are terrible.

[Little lunch]

Just saw Green Book and it's fucking great, I highly recommend it.

[Rev. Rye]

So, this week in the Deep Hurting Project: Norm of the North. And cue the obvious joke:



And for the records, this video was made before the movie was made, probably even before it was even announced.

• "Don't listen to the haters" is a very foreboding line, especially given that the studio's response to this movie's failure was to make AT LEAST THREE SEQUELS.
  
• These lemmings are practically launching themselves into Norm's mouth as he's trying to hunt. And he ignores them.
  
  
  
• Good God, the animation looks even more hideous on the DVD than on the YouTube videos I watched beforehand.
  
• Surprisingly, the much-maligned twerking isn't really twerking, since there's no emphasis on the booty.
  
• So, who the fuck thought that setting up tourist homes in the Arctic was a good idea? It's an inhospitable land with very little  infrastructure, is freezing most of the year, and the only way it can become more habitable is because the world's getting warmer and the ice that makes up most of the solid surfaces of the Arctic (including literally everything shown in the film) is melting. And more people in the Arctic is only going to make the problem worse...
  
• And why doesn't Socrates help confirm that there are homes being built in the Arctic when they disbelieve Norm?
  
• No. There's no penguins in the Arctic. There's zero wild penguins in the Northern Hemisphere, except maybe some Galapagos species that wandered up.
  
• So, the bad guy watched a video that shows the ice surrounding the house splitting and getting charged by a polar bear, and his response is "We need a polar bear mascot." And that's not even getting into the fucking avalanche that she doesn't show him.
  
• So, they hatch a plan and it's the dumbest I've ever heard: in order to stop the homes in the Arctic from being built, he has to go to New York and BECOME THE MASCOT FOR THE WHOLE ENTERPRISE. And his plans don't involve trying to sabotage the product: just trying to legitimately sell the project. And he explains his plan to everyone he meets. I don't know if this is because they think this is such a brilliant plan or if they think the audience is that dumb.
  
• Are Green's goons so stupid they can't tell a real polar bear from a coworker in a fursuit?
  
• And even the film knows that this is a dumb plan, because his plans over have a 2.8% approval rating. You know what, why not make him an oil tycoon wanting to drill in the Arctic? At least that happens in real life.
  
• Also, it speaks volumes about the film that they devote 22 seconds to a scene of the lemmings peeing in a fish tank:
  
  
  
• Live pufferfish at a sushi restaurant. That has to be illegal.
  
• Somehow, Greene's approval ratings went up after he stormed a sushi joint packing tranquilizer heat. This movie takes place in bizarro world. And once the library starts to accept returns again, we'll get back to an even more bizarro world when we cover the Atlas Shrugged trilogy.
  
• "Creepy, one-note villain."  And they're even aware of the film's shortcomings.
  
• Lemmings: The smallest animals in the arctic? What, no love for krill? 
  
• And when Norm's explaining the plan to Olympia, she has to remind him to "strike" now that he's been tasked with shilling for the Arctic tourist homes.
  
• Why does Norm need to outright say he supports these tourist homes in the Arctic. He's working to promote them, wouldn't that be obvious?
  
• I'm pretty sure the investors can still pull out of Greene's plan, especially since it turns out their support was built on false premises.
  
• Yes, Mr. Greene, they know who you are. They saw your picture on the big screen and started to gang up on you after they saw you were being investigated for bribery.
  

So, the movie tanked at the box office, became one of the most notorious animated features for about a year and a half (before The Emoji Movie). For a short time, it had a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes (eventually stabilising to 9%.) And so what if some eggheads didn't like it. This was made for kids, not critics, especially  not autistic adults with a jaw-droppingly huge film collection (and even has some Lang and Tarkovsky films on the way) who know what works and what doesn't in a film. Well, apparently, they didn't, because several reviews noted that even the kids in the theater hated it. And so what did Splash Studios do? They made sequels. To be fair, unlike this film, there's no Rob Schneider (and Olympia's voice actress was the only one to return for the sequels) and they at least didn't put it in theaters, unlike this film which opened on 2411 screens. So far, three have been released (with more to come), and two have made it to the local library. And in the next couple weeks, I'm going to watch all of them (the last one is on Netflix).

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Norm of the North 2: Keys to the Kingdom. So, somehow, despite how hated Norm of the North was, it made just enough money worldwide to justify a potential sequel. So far, in the past year and a half, THREE have been released. And, for whatever reason, the first one was two 45-minute sequels stitched together, almost like they stitched together multiple episodes of an aborted series, which implies an hour-long show, which is bizarre for a kids' show that isn't Sesame Street.

Part 1: Back to the City:

• So, they're making a Mount Rushmore in the ice with Norm among the past kings of the Arctic. Unfortunately, because the original is lazy as fuck, let alone these sequels that can't even be arsed to create new models for Norm's children, this results in a mountain with THREE IDENTICAL LOOKING POLAR BEARS carved onto it.
  
• So, Socrates is royal now?
  
• Why do I get the feeling that when Prince Charles ascends to the throne, his coronation will be much the same?
  
• And suddenly, with the switch to New York, the animation looks even WORSE than original. And the lemmings look bizarrely two-dimensional for a CGI film.
  
• And just when it looks like we had a good chance to dismiss the lemmings, they cannonballed onto his barge just to spite everyone.
  
• We're still not going to explain why certain polar bears can speak English? 
  
• So, why is the mayor wearing a cologne so heavy that it's affecting Norm's allergies when he's like a couple dozen feet away?
  
• Why are the spectators watching the key ceremony doing the wave?
  
• A key for every door in the city? How the fuck is that  a good idea? And how is something like that going to fit in every lock? 
  
• No, you don't become a bear of the people by riding in a 40-foot limo, you do it by supporting real estate developments that actively try to destroy your home.
  
• And somehow, despite the glut of Norm of the North imitators, everyone assumes it's the genuine article immediately? Also, why would there being a glut of Norm imitators help Larry's career when it means he becomes one of many users?
  
• And what the fuck is the point of bringing these lemmings on for detective work if they're just going to play Rochambo and fart?
  
• Shnykies? I think you're referencing the wrong Adam Sandler associate. And Rob Schneider isn't in the series anymore.
  
• So, why didn't the rabbit explain that the robber's suit had a zipper to the media, even as his bank is next in line for a robbery? And how did nobody notice this on the security camera footage released to the media?
  
• So the bag of money has the same cologne as the mayor. Why the fuck is the mayor robbing banks?
  
• "A leader never apologises!"
  
  
  
• This climax has to be seen to be believed: it involves two choppers in mid-air, and Norm has to get from one to the other...
  
  
  They picked the worst possible vehicle for this sort of chase since, if you're in range to jump from one to the other, you're in range to get turned into chili by the helicopter blade!

Part 2: The Arctic All-Stars"

• Fucking Hell, there's an Uncle Stan in this movie. Fuck if this movie's going to remind me of a much better series in the middle of this shitty one.
  
• And apparently, just like Trump, the mayor was apparently in the pocket of Russia, what with the fact that he was shilling this particular brand of bottled water.
  
• So, how does the rabbit know the phone number of the PM of whatever the fuck this former Soviet Republic?
  
• Well, this is giving me surprisingly little to work with. It's just a stock hockey movie about Norm and company facing this not-Russian ice company off in a hockey game.
  
• So, why would they make a hockey team be robots?
  
• Also, why do I get the feeling that replacing all this ice is a matter of more than just dropping the ice back in?
  

[Fake Messiah]

The Boys in Company C - the best movie about Vietnam war, and yet it's so obscure.