The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

This week in the Deep Hurting Project, well, since it's Pride Month, I figured I may as well try and find the gayest film in my list of So Bad They're Horrible films that are available on Amazon Prime. And the closest thing I could find was Superfast! A riff by Seltzerberg on one of the gayest franchises out there: The Fast and the Furious. No, this isn't me using a needlessly homophobic synonym for "lame." They're probably the most homoerotic things to sneak into macho pop culture between Judas Priest and that one guy on Ultimate Fighter who demanded his bro let him bang. And it's well known that even the mainstream media has picked up on it:




So, will the gay subtext survive Seltzerberg's machete of stupid?  Let's find out:

• And the guy didn't even notice his foot was just in the right place for the guy to run it over? 
  
• How is it that I barely know my guns and even I know this doesn't look like a TEC-9?
  
• Holy shit, Seltzerberg have made it through the first five minutes of the movie without any scene devolving it into a bunch of references to random-ass movies.
  
• God-DAMN, that girl got run over and knocked her out of her stilettos, which remain inexplicably intact.
  
• He's daring a street racer with his own car, which he's never driven before (and it's a stick shift, which he's never driven before), and didn't even get enough gas for it?
  
  
  
• So, the gay shit is going to be limited to macho men talking about stereotypically feminine shit and occasional shots of asses. And also, one of the girls is randomly gay. Okay, I guess.
  
• Does he seriously need to have the guy explain a bunch of cop shows while the police sirens are audible.
  
• Well, that scene of police brutality does not play well, especially post-George Floyd.
  
• You've totally erased his files to the point where not even anyone on the force knows he's a cop. How is that a good idea?
  
• Okay, so it took 15 minutes for the movie to just stop to make a random pop culture reference. That has to be a record for Seltzerberg.
  
• He's wearing the reel-to-reel tape deck from the DVD menu of The Conversation!
  
• Please let this random-ass "moment" where he's seducing the guy's sister while driving end in a car crash. Fuck. It didn't.
  
• And they stop the movie to talk about insurance? Because that's what people want to see in a car race movie. Or a movie parodying car chase movies.
  
• And now we've gone from talk about insurance to a Sideways video on music scores.
  
• Gee, it's almost like it was a stupid fucking idea to kill the only person who knows you're a cop.
  
• Narcissism isn't just interrupting people. I lived with a narcissist for the first 23 years of my life, so I should know.
  
• Tokyo, Rio, and Florida actually have extradition, by the by.
  
• Fucking Hell, de la Sol is dumb enough to keep a record of all his illegal activities in the computer of his supercar.
  
• And to think that Jah Rule wasn't yet involved in Fyre Fest, so his name somehow doesn't end up in the list of rappers who are in some stage of the incarceration process.
  
• Is he that fucking stupid? How did he get involved as an undercover cop?
  
• Three to Five days' shipping? That's less time than Louis DeJoy wants to make USPS First Class Shipping!
  
• And he put enough incriminating info to put him in jail for three lifetimes inside yet another car?
  
• Fucking Hell, the cop's riding on a bike, can't drive past some CDs that are just lying there, crashes into a tree, and bursts into an explosion that obliterates them from existence? You know, one of the films that'd almost certainly be on the list if it were readily available in America is Fat Slags, and it has a bizarrely similar scene where the slags are in a stately home, one of them sits on (and flattens) a Pomeranian, and tosses it out a window, where it hits an elderly groundskeeper, who stumbles into his wheelbarrow, farts, and vanishes in a fiery explosion somehow.
  
• So, how did they figure out the main character was actually a cop if the only person on the force who remembered it before they destroyed all his records was dead?
  
• And the bad guy was killed by the cop and the lesbian sister because they made the mistake of driving while making out.
  

For the record, there are other gay films I know of that are shit enough for the Project, but aren't readily available on streaming:

• Ben and Arthur, a zero-budget film about a whiny gay couple that tries to get married (in 2001) and the bizarre cult (who are apparently meant to be a mainline Christian denomination) that tries to stop them.
  
• Can't Stop the Music, the straight-washed story of how the Village People came to be, co-starring Caitlyn Jenner as herself from back when she was still pretending to be a man named Bruce. And, fortunately for the sake of clarity, she actually has given the world permission to use her deadname when appropriate, and a case like this, a movie made a third of a century before Caitlyn would come into the world, where she's pretending to be Bruce Jenner playing Bruce Jenner would seem an appropriate place to use the name Bruce.
  
• The Singing Forest, a movie about a man who falls in love with his daughter's fiancee because reincarnation. And Nazi Germany. Or maybe Weimar Germany.
  

[Fake Messiah]

Queen of Earth (2015) and there were those green triangles UFOs flying in it!

[Foxaèr]

The Wind

A plains-woman faces the harshness and isolation of the untamed land in the Western frontier of the late 1800s.

Saw it on Five's List, I think, and it's on Netflix so I'm going to check it out.

@Five

[zwanzig]

The Wind

A plains-woman faces the harshness and isolation of the untamed land in the Western frontier of the late 1800s.

Saw it on Five's List, I think, and it's on Netflix so I'm going to check it out.

@Five

I hope you like it! It had a good isolation thing going on, atmospherically. I rated it 88 out of 100 on Criticker in my top tier.

[Foxaèr]

On @Five 's list, I'm starting with The Fisher King, which I've never seen.

A former radio DJ, suicidally despondent because of a terrible mistake he made, finds redemption in helping a deranged homeless man who was an unwitting victim of that mistake.

[brewer]

Finally got around to watching Limitless. Thought the ending was a cop out.

[HappySkeptic]

Finally got around to watching Limitless. Thought the ending was a cop out.

There is an alternate ending that might make more sense.

[Jehanne]

I and my 10-year old watched Raya and the Last Dragon last week. Absolutely delightful! In the credits, it was stated that the movie was made remotely from 400 homes.

[Foxaèr]

I can't remember the last animated film I watched.

[Foxaèr]

Next: The Block Island Sound

Something lurks off the coast of Block Island, silently influencing the behavior of fisherman, Tom Lynch. After suffering a series of violent outbursts, he unknowingly puts his family in grave danger.

The annoying mouthy guy in the beginning, I know someone like that in real life.