Jesus Jokes

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Stop me if you've heard these. Oh, wait...you can't.

*****

Jesus walks into the lobby of a hotel, tosses a few nails on the counter and asks the clerk, 'Can you put me up for a few hours?'

*****

Jesus admonishes the crowd about to stone the adulteress, 'He among you that is without sin, let him cast the first stone.' Like lightning, a rock blazes out of the crowd and conks the adulteress right on the head. Jesus sighs and says, 'Mom, you're REALLY not making this job any easier.'

*****

Jesus is on the cross, when the sky begins to darken. Weakly, the Saviour calls out, 'Peter, Peter...'. The named apostle fights his way through the crowd to the foot of the cross.

'I'm here, Lord. What will you have of me?'

'Peter...Peter...'

'Yes, Lord, what is it?'

'Peter...Peter...I can see your house from here.'

*****

What did the Romans say to Jesus partway through the the crucifixion? 'Cross your legs, mate, we're down to our last three nails.'


*****

(This one's a visual)

Why do the ladies love Jesus? Dude was hung like THIS!!


*****

Boru

[Minimalist]

A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

---

[genkaus]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pUrsUORF4Y

[wwjs]

Small Jesus runs on a lake crying "Dad, dad, let me swim"

[Kayenneh]

[Cyberman]

At the Last Supper, Jesus took up the bread, blessed it and, breaking it, shared the pieces among his disciples saying "This is my body. Eat this in remembrance of me."

Then he took the wine, blessed it and divided it among the disciples saying "This is my blood. Drink this in remembrance of me."

Then he picked up the milk; and the disciples said "Yes, okay, fine - we get it."

[Minimalist]

An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter “Where is my father?” But St. Peter says he doesn’t know. He asks the archangel Gabriel “Where is my father?” But Gabriel doesn’t know. He asks John the Baptist “Where is my father?” But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching. Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. “Stop!” Jesus yells. “Who are you?” “Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son.” Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? “Tell me of your son, old man.” “Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know…” “Father!!!!!” Screams Jesus. “Pinocchio!!!!!!!” yells the old man.

[Doubting Thomas]

Why was Jesus nailed to a cross instead of stoned to death?

So Catholics can make the sign of the cross instead of pounding their fists all over their bodies.

[downbeatplumb]

Two catholic priests were in the holy land and fancied a trip on the red sea.
So they inquired of a local boat owner how much a trip was.
They were shocked at the cost and one priest exclaimed.
"No wonder Jesus walked"

[Sakumofo]