What's everyone up to right now?

[Angrboda]

Drinking coffee and watching J-dramas. Looking forward to a new episode of Cosmos.

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

WARNING: This is a long post all about me personally, but I really hope some of you care enough to read it and answer the questions I put forth in it that I am desperately flinging out into cyberspace, hoping for any semblance of an answer.

Oh, god. I am so relieved that I found this thread again, because for a minute I thought I wouldn't find it because the "search" feature on this forum sucks and at first I did not see this thread on the first page under "My posts" and I was like, "Oh god. Have people not been posting in this thread often enough?" Is there an easier way to find this thread when I want to post in it? Is it stickied and I don't know it or something? Please someone say yes and then explain the easier way.

Okay, here is what I actually want to post here. It is an update on the status of whatever the hell is going on with me right now, and I am not noting this as an update on the status of my depression because I am not sure if it is at all related or not.

Today I had the absolute most stupid conversation I have EVER had on the internet. Consider that I have been active on the internet since I was 8 years old. Consider that I am now 23. Consider how stupid the things an 8 year old could possibly want to talk about might be. This is a moment of absolute EPIC fail. I actually posted on Facebook that it was happening, unaware that it had actually just then ended, and that I had NO idea why it was happening. This was so FUCKING stupid and I cared so little that I mourned the loss of my time in real time, and I'm not sure how long it actually went on, but it's possible this conversation took up at least two hours of my life. Why the HELL did this happen? For some reason, I decided that the important thing in that conversation was for me to be NICE. Now, I have decided before that it was important to be NICE while having a conversation on the internet, so that in itself was not the problem. The problem was that I was just so completely mistaken that it was the important thing for that conversation. I don't think I have ever been so wrong before about what was the important thing in a conversation, online or in real life, over the course of my entire lifetime, when I had all the information I needed to identify what the important thing was. I'm not sure because you know, I have failed pretty hard before, but this may be my hardest fail in the history of my use of the internet. And you know, being someone with such experience on the internet, and someone who has previously completely avoided participating in anything this stupid on the internet, and because this is something that I have never experienced before, I was just completely confounded. I asked in that Facebook status about this experience, "WHERE DID I GO WRONG?"
It took me just a few minutes of thinking to realize where I went wrong. I simply should have ended this before it even started. That is the thing that should have happened, but instead, this thing did. This completely awful thing.

Then, a few other things that happened caused me to realize that today, I have definitely been trying too hard at absolutely everything. And then I realized that trying too hard at everything is definitely something that is characteristic of me, because I have always been such a goddamn perfectionist at everything. Some people think that being a perfectionist is actually a good quality to have.

Maybe there is a way to be a perfectionist that it is a good thing. I don't know. But the way that I am a perfectionist causes lots of people to like the crap out of me, but is not actually a good thing for ME. And I try so, so hard, to care about what is good for ME. Because I know that if I care about what is good for me, then I will do things that are good for me, and that will be good for the people that actually care about me. Note that I am not saying that I in any way value what is good for me intrinsically or because I care about me. I honestly am not sure that I do. I definitely have gotten to where I care about me more than I did as a child, but that is like saying, "I definitely care more about something X completely doesn't care about than X" when the degree to which you care is extremely slight. No, wait, it is not LIKE that. That is just what it is.

The thing is, I honestly thought I had fixed this problem a long time ago, my perfectionism being harmful to me, by just being less of a perfectionist. But I just realized that I actually didn't fix it at all, and it is still a problem, and I have forgotten how one can possibly be LESS of a perfectionist when that drive is so deeply embedded in who they are.

If you are interested at all, I'm pretty sure the reason why I am so driven to perfectionism is that despite all my defense mechanisms and everything I have done to try to be better, I am really just so insecure and anxious all of the time. And I'm pretty sure the reason for that is because it is one major way that being a victim of emotional abuse has affected me. I am going to choose to believe this because that means it is the result of trauma, and most things that are the result of trauma can theoretically be fixed, no matter how completely difficult it may be in reality to fix it. The possibility also exists that this is just me. That for some biological reason like genetics or something I don't even know of, this is how I am. I do not like that possibility, or any possibility where this is a thing that I cannot fix. I have spent my whole life trying to fix myself and constantly keep improving myself in some way. Yes, I know this is an example of how I am definitely trying too hard and I am a perfectionist. But the thing is that being this way has been so great because it has worked. I am constantly becoming better in some way than I was before, and also my life is constantly becoming better than it was before. Okay, right now my life does not seem to be getting better than it was before, but I'm pretty sure the overall trend of my life will continue.

So, you see, being this way is at the same time not good for me and good for me, and it's not obvious whether it is more BAD for me or more GOOD for me. So I just honestly do not know what to do about it, or if there is anything I should do about it at all.

Hey, you more normal people, tell me what you think of my dilemma and give me advice. I know you may be way off base, but there is also a chance that something you say will help me in some way and I just really need all the help I can get with this one. And in general, I notice that most of the things most of you say on here are at least in some way CORRECT, and I need as much correctness as possible right now.

Oh, crap. I realize now that it is 11:42 and I still have not taken my night meds. I try so hard to do that at about 10:00 every night because one of those meds is a birth control pill, and taking it at the same time consistently matters. Goddamn. This is two nights in a row that I have missed 10:00, which probably means I should wear a pad for a few days in case inconsistently taking that pill means that I might at some point experience vaginal bleeding. SHIT. I hate when I do this. I have done this so many times and I know what a pain in the ass is for me and it is still happening! I usually just call this an ADHD thing and accept that ADHD is a thing I have to live with. But right now I am not sure if it is actually an ADHD thing at all, or if it really just a "me" thing. And I am not sure if it is something I can actually change. That would be great, because I hate this thing, and if the possibility suddenly seemed plausible that this was a thing I could change, I would start working on that immediately. Again, this is an example of my trying to hard and being a perfectionist.

[Assimilate]

Futile, just fucking relax, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

[Phatt Matt s]

Oh, god. I am so relieved that I found this thread again, because for a minute I thought I wouldn't find it because the "search" feature on this forum sucks and at first I did not see this thread on the first page under "My posts" and I was like, "Oh god. Have people not been posting in this thread often enough?" Is there an easier way to find this thread when I want to post in it? Is it stickied and I don't know it or something? Please someone say yes and then explain the easier way.

Okay, here is what I actually want to post here. It is an update on the status of whatever the hell is going on with me right now, and I am not noting this as an update on the status of my depression because I am not sure if it is at all related or not.

Today I had the absolute most stupid conversation I have EVER had on the internet. Consider that I have been active on the internet since I was 8 years old. Consider that I am now 23. Consider how stupid the things an 8 year old could possibly want to talk about might be. This is a moment of absolute EPIC fail. I actually posted on Facebook that it was happening, unaware that it had actually just then ended, and that I had NO idea why it was happening. This was so FUCKING stupid and I cared so little that I mourned the loss of my time in real time, and I'm not sure how long it actually went on, but it's possible this conversation took up at least two hours of my life. Why the HELL did this happen? For some reason, I decided that the important thing in that conversation was for me to be NICE. Now, I have decided before that it was important to be NICE while having a conversation on the internet, so that in itself was not the problem. The problem was that I was just so completely mistaken that it was the important thing for that conversation. I don't think I have ever been so wrong before about what was the important thing in a conversation, online or in real life, over the course of my entire lifetime, when I had all the information I needed to identify what the important thing was. I'm not sure because you know, I have failed pretty hard before, but this may be my hardest fail in the history of my use of the internet. And you know, being someone with such experience on the internet, and someone who has previously completely avoided participating in anything this stupid on the internet, and because this is something that I have never experienced before, I was just completely confounded. I asked in that Facebook status about this experience, "WHERE DID I GO WRONG?"
It took me just a few minutes of thinking to realize where I went wrong. I simply should have ended this before it even started. That is the thing that should have happened, but instead, this thing did. This completely awful thing.

Then, a few other things that happened caused me to realize that today, I have definitely been trying too hard at absolutely everything. And then I realized that trying too hard at everything is definitely something that is characteristic of me, because I have always been such a goddamn perfectionist at everything. Some people think that being a perfectionist is actually a good quality to have.

Maybe there is a way to be a perfectionist that it is a good thing. I don't know. But the way that I am a perfectionist causes lots of people to like the crap out of me, but is not actually a good thing for ME. And I try so, so hard, to care about what is good for ME. Because I know that if I care about what is good for me, then I will do things that are good for me, and that will be good for the people that actually care about me. Note that I am not saying that I in any way value what is good for me intrinsically or because I care about me. I honestly am not sure that I do. I definitely have gotten to where I care about me more than I did as a child, but that is like saying, "I definitely care more about something X completely doesn't care about than X" when the degree to which you care is extremely slight. No, wait, it is not LIKE that. That is just what it is.

The thing is, I honestly thought I had fixed this problem a long time ago, my perfectionism being harmful to me, by just being less of a perfectionist. But I just realized that I actually didn't fix it at all, and it is still a problem, and I have forgotten how one can possibly be LESS of a perfectionist when that drive is so deeply embedded in who they are.

If you are interested at all, I'm pretty sure the reason why I am so driven to perfectionism is that despite all my defense mechanisms and everything I have done to try to be better, I am really just so insecure and anxious all of the time. And I'm pretty sure the reason for that is because it is one major way that being a victim of emotional abuse has affected me. I am going to choose to believe this because that means it is the result of trauma, and most things that are the result of trauma can theoretically be fixed, no matter how completely difficult it may be in reality to fix it. The possibility also exists that this is just me. That for some biological reason like genetics or something I don't even know of, this is how I am. I do not like that possibility, or any possibility where this is a thing that I cannot fix. I have spent my whole life trying to fix myself and constantly keep improving myself in some way. Yes, I know this is an example of how I am definitely trying too hard and I am a perfectionist. But the thing is that being this way has been so great because it has worked. I am constantly becoming better in some way than I was before, and also my life is constantly becoming better than it was before. Okay, right now my life does not seem to be getting better than it was before, but I'm pretty sure the overall trend of my life will continue.

So, you see, being this way is at the same time not good for me and good for me, and it's not obvious whether it is more BAD for me or more GOOD for me. So I just honestly do not know what to do about it, or if there is anything I should do about it at all.

Hey, you more normal people, tell me what you think of my dilemma and give me advice. I know you may be way off base, but there is also a chance that something you say will help me in some way and I just really need all the help I can get with this one. And in general, I notice that most of the things most of you say on here are at least in some way CORRECT, and I need as much correctness as possible right now.

Well, uh, don't know if im in the mood for advice. I'm very hard right now. I'd be happy to send you a photo

I'd like to share this moment with you.

Relax. You're trying to hard

---

If you want me to call ya we can talk. I have unlimited minutes and will be up

---

Be kind to yourself
Think only the thoughts that will release endorphins and dopamine. Saturate your mind with beautiful thoughts that leave you at peace. It releases good chemicals. Laugh laugh laugh. It is good medicine as well. Breathe deeply and slow it down a bit.

Keep the mind centered on one thing so that it isn't jumping all over the place. This burns up unnecessary energy, makes it more difficult to concentrate, clouds the judgement.

Many go through life half dead because their mind is chasing after more than one rabbit at the same time and consequently will catch none.

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

Well, uh, don't know if im in the mood for advice. I'm very hard right now. I'd be happy to send you a photo

I'd like to share this moment with you.

Relax. You're trying to hard

---

If you want me to call ya we can talk. I have unlimited minutes and will be up

---

Be kind to yourself
Think only the thoughts that will release endorphins and dopamine. Saturate your mind with beautiful thoughts that leave you at peace. It releases good chemicals. Laugh laugh laugh. It is good medicine as well. Breathe deeply and slow it down a bit.

Keep the mind centered on one thing so that it isn't jumping all over the place. This burns up unnecessary energy, makes it more difficult to concentrate, clouds the judgement.

Many go through life half dead because their mind is chasing after more than one rabbit at the same time and consequently will catch none.

Wow, okay, there is actually advice in there and it sounds like good advice to me, so thank you very much TC.

I just have this one objection, though. Thinking so many things at once is just how I am used to thinking, and because I have ADHD, I have come to accept that this is just how my brain works and something I cannot change, except for it gets more manageable when I take drugs designed to treat ADHD. But I have definitely not stopped taking the drug I am taking designed to treat ADHD, so I do not think there is anything I can do about it. Furthermore, while what you said is probably true and explains a lot, but I have found some advantages to thinking this way and I like those advantages a damn ass lot.

And wait a minute... it is a common thing for people to be doing this? Because I thought it was an ADHD thing. Oh, wait, ADHD is pretty common. I forgot that. Is that what you mean or do you think that even more people do this?

---

Futile, just fucking relax, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

I think that is advice, but you have no idea how completely unfeasible it is that I could actually follow it with what is going on with me right now, whatever the fuck that thing is, which I have been trying to describe as best as I understand it.

Thanks anyway, I guess.

[Phatt Matt s]

Well, uh, don't know if im in the mood for advice. I'm very hard right now. I'd be happy to send you a photo

I'd like to share this moment with you.

Relax. You're trying to hard

---

If you want me to call ya we can talk. I have unlimited minutes and will be up

---

Be kind to yourself
Think only the thoughts that will release endorphins and dopamine. Saturate your mind with beautiful thoughts that leave you at peace. It releases good chemicals. Laugh laugh laugh. It is good medicine as well. Breathe deeply and slow it down a bit.

Keep the mind centered on one thing so that it isn't jumping all over the place. This burns up unnecessary energy, makes it more difficult to concentrate, clouds the judgement.

Many go through life half dead because their mind is chasing after more than one rabbit at the same time and consequently will catch none.

Wow, okay, there is actually advice in there and it sounds like good advice to me, so thank you very much TC.

I just have this one objection, though. Thinking so many things at once is just how I am used to thinking, and because I have ADHD, I have come to accept that this is just how my brain works and something I cannot change, except for it gets more manageable when I take drugs designed to treat ADHD. But I have definitely not stopped taking the drug I am taking designed to treat ADHD, so I do not think there is anything I can do about it. Furthermore, while what you said is probably true and explains a lot, but I have found some advantages to thinking this way and I like those advantages a damn ass lot.

And wait a minute... it is a common thing for people to be doing this? Because I thought it was an ADHD thing. Oh, wait, ADHD is pretty common. I forgot that. Is that what you mean or do you think that even more people do this?

---

Futile, just fucking relax, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.

I think that is advice, but you have no idea how completely unfeasible it is that I could actually follow it with what is going on with me right now, whatever the fuck that thing is, which I have been trying to describe as best as I understand it.

Thanks anyway, I guess.

Good to hear from ya. I was off fighting a battle at a different thread. THe war is on many fronts now

---

Yes I have ADD as well so the mind never sits still and is always driven to distraction. It drives people at work crazy. Drives me crazy!

---

Is there anything I can do to help you relax?

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

Yes I have ADD as well so the mind never sits still and is always driven to distraction. It drives people at work crazy. Drives me crazy!

---

Is there anything I can do to help you relax?

You do? Oh GOODY! You get it. That relieves me so much. But are you sure you have ADHD and you do not just think you do because you are bipolar and experience manic swings? I mean, like I have said, it is easy to mistake hyperactivity with being manic and vice versa and I have never heard of ADHD being comorbid with bipolar disorder before. I definitely am not saying I do not think it is possible and the fact that it is possible and I might learn about what happens when these two things are happening in the same brain at once excites me greatly intellectually.

Obviously impulsiveness is common in both ADHD and bipolar disorder, so what I mean to ask you is do you also have the inattentiveness stuff, and please list all the inattentiveness stuff you have going on, and also do you in any way think that inattentiveness has commonalities with any of the characteristics associated with bipolar disorder?

Oh, and you also said that last thing. Man, I wish you could, but I honestly think not a single thing can be done to make relaxation happen in me right now.

[Phatt Matt s]

Yes I have ADD as well so the mind never sits still and is always driven to distraction. It drives people at work crazy. Drives me crazy!

---

Is there anything I can do to help you relax?

You do? Oh GOODY! You get it. That relieves me so much. But are you sure you have ADHD and you do not just think you do because you are bipolar and experience manic swings? I mean, like I have said, it is easy to mistake hyperactivity with being manic and vice versa and I have never heard of ADHD being comorbid with bipolar disorder before. I definitely am not saying I do not think it is possible and the fact that it is possible and I might learn about what happens when these two things are happening in the same brain at once excites me greatly intellectually.

Obviously impulsiveness is common in both ADHD and bipolar disorder, so what I mean to ask you is do you also have the inattentiveness stuff, and please list all the inattentiveness stuff you have going on, and also do you in any way think that inattentiveness has commonalities with any of the characteristics associated with bipolar disorder?

Oh, and you also said that last thing. Man, I wish you could, but I honestly think not a single thing can be done to make relaxation happen in me right now.

well im typing with my left hand because right hand is full of lotion and occupied. u might want to try what im doing. ill answer your questions when i have both hands

---

k done. My hands are cleaned off well but there are some stains on my pants and shirt that I'll have to clean up soon. I sometimes wait till it dries.

---

Yes I've been diagnosed with Attention devisit disorder. I don't think I have the hyperactive part because when I take the adderal it speeds me up rather than slow me down. My hyperactivity is caused by manic phases of bipolar and anxiety.

---

Chill out! I don't know what Got into you. You're sounding like a psychotic crackwhore on her period. It's all gonna be alright. Place yourself in the arms of that special someone and know that it's all gonna be alright. All your worrying and fretting does you no good. It damages you. Your body and mind will thank you if you relax.

Yes I have both attention deficit with bipolar. At least that is what I'm diagnosed with. Who knows?

[My imaginary friend is GOD]

Who knows?

I don't know who knows but if it is theoretically possible to know then I want to be someone who knows!

So what I would really appreciate from you, but please feel no sense of OBLIGATION to do it, is for you to answer what I asked you about inattentiveness. I guess if you do not believe you have the hyperactivity then you must have been diagnosed with the variety of ADHD that is only inattentiveness. That is exactly want I want to hear about from you the most, is in which ways you think have the inattentiveness, or even in which ways whoever diagnosed you with ADHD thinks you have the inattentiveness.

For me, the inattentiveness is definitely the thing I have the most that is a feature of ADHD. It is also true I have the hyperactivity, but for me, that usually does not seem to matter or debilitate me, because it is currently not even showing up in any of my behavior. It is only affecting the way my brain works.

[Phatt Matt s]

Who knows?

I don't know who knows but if it is theoretically possible to know then I want to be someone who knows!

So what I would really appreciate from you, but please feel no sense of OBLIGATION to do it, is for you to answer what I asked you about inattentiveness. I guess if you do not believe you have the hyperactivity then you must have been diagnosed with the variety of ADHD that is only inattentiveness. That is exactly want I want to hear about from you the most, is in which ways you think have the inattentiveness, or even in which ways whoever diagnosed you with ADHD thinks you have the inattentiveness.

For me, the inattentiveness is definitely the thing I have the most that is a feature of ADHD. It is also true I have the hyperactivity, but for me, that usually does not seem to matter or debilitate me, because it is currently not even showing up in any of my behavior. It is only affecting the way my brain works.

Sorry sweetheart. I was busy on another thread. I thought you were still pming

---

I usually am not able to focus on what im doing unless it is very interesting. I canalways focus on sexual stuff or stuff that is exciting but studying or being attentive to what is not interesting or exciting can almost be impossible. I start drifting and living elsewhere or living worries or living fears or memories.

---

Have you masturbated today? I was extremely horny right about that time you sent that initial post so I was typing with my left hand and masturbating with my right. I ejaculated all over my pants and shirt. I still will have to clean some stains up.