We all love the same things, I’m sure—froggies, toadstools, Edith Piaf. And we all love a good adventure story. Here’s a piece of one. I hope you'll enjoy it. It's about youse guys! The casting is whimsical of course, since many of the cast are, at present, dead.
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GRETA GARBO AS ALIÉNNE, QUEENE OF THE ATHEISTS
Councilors to the Queene:
Moe Howard First Councilor
Larry Fine Second Councilor
Jerome Howard Third Councilor
Others.
Her Flunkies:
Joe di Rita Pandy
Tor Johnson (?) Mean Ol’ Ikey
Hox & Pocks the Twins
Eyeless
& Others.
Plus hangers-honors, and an exodus of refugees from atheism, with children. Including:
A very frail very old Elder with very thick glasses who falls over backwards when all the electric lights in the Cathedral are turned on in quick succession.
A Mommy with a small child.
An opinionated low-rent “intellectual.”
BORIS KARLOFF AS THE STRANGER
His Synodia:
Father Chuy, a humble presvyteros (parish priest).
Eva, his presvytera, the Home-school Supervisor.
With their Children:
Stellios the Silent, their son the reader; also the family documentarian.
Prokopia, their daughter the Psaltis; also a Home-school teacher.
The Home-school:
Lily Tomlin Home-school Teacher Anastasia.
Phyllis Diller Home-school Teacher Lydia.
Kids.
Those they encounter along the way:
hyperAnthropos.com, opinionated Orthodox layman on the internet.
Scene: [align=center]
Festivities!
The year is 2155. The QUEENE OF THE ATHEISTS is holding court to celebrate the 200th anniversary of the destruction of the Moscow Cathedral of Christ the Saviour and its replacement with a department store for the Atheist Party’s wealthy inner elite.
Alienne, Queene of the Atheists is a tall lean large-boned Goth-style amazon, her tattooed arms and legs bright with color, a bright red streak in her hair matching the bright red in her black and red couture (deep yellow trim).
Dozens of Councilors, Flunkies, Lackeys, and Pawns fill the vaulted chamber. Heavy draperies, dark as martyrs’ blood, obscure the light of reason. The Throne, set in a niche at the west end of the Great Hall, is on a platform high & lifted up, to which the Queene ascends by steps. She’s surrounded by a guard of Flunkeys. A blood-red carpet runs from the east entrance, across the hall, & up the steps to the Throne.
Above the Throne a huge shield bears an IMAGE that seems to arise from the brooding Queene’s innermost thoughts: a grim & sinister image: a MUSHROOM CLOUD in full florescence—the Dread Symbol of the Atheists! Above the Dread Symbol is the legend WE ARE THE ATHEISTS and beneath it the words NOTHING MATTERS.
The Throne & its Queene are surrounded by the Queene’s Flunkeys: Mean Ol’ Ikey, Pandy, and others. They’re all huge and powerful—except fat, fastidious Pandy.
[MORE]
Queene (Rises and raises her fist. Her voice reverberates throughout the Hall): Hey there! Hie there! Hoe there!
All: Yaaaaaay!
Queene: Nothing Matters!
All: Nothing Matters!
Queene: Nothing Matters!
All: Nothing Matters!
Queene: Nothing Matters!
All: Nothing Matters! Yaaaaaay!
Queene: We are the Atheists!
All: We are the Atheists! We are the Atheists! We are the Atheists!
(All join in like a flock of crows. When this dies down (a couple of stragglers) the Queene starts the whole thing over again. When the crow bit is over, music, dancing and mingling. The Queene returns to her throne.)
Councilor 2 : O Queene! Live until you die!
Queene: Acquire existence, pencil-neck.
Councilor 1: Nitwit! Step aside. I’ll show you how it's done. (Grabs him by the hair and pulls him aside. Approaches Queene: O Queene! Live forever!
Queene: Get out of here, runt.
Councilor 3: I really admired your last movie.
Queene: Get back, freak.
(Suddenly: THE STRANGER with his band of THEOLOGIANS, hurried after by harried lackeys in deep alarm, the Dread Symbol displayed upon their breasts, strides forth and places himself squarely before the throne.)
The Stranger (Cries out in a loud voice): Give place all ye! I address myself to none but the QUEENE! (Turns to the Queene) Yo! O QUEENE. May Your Soul live Forever, nor may it never be destroyed!
Queene (Stands abruptly, dashing her hash pipe to the ground): Damn NATION! What means this intrusion upon our solemn day of Joy & Gladness?
The Stranger: Maintain, O most Glorious Queene. We mean no harm. We are but a Humble Band of Travelling Theologians.
Queene: (Dryly) Really … theologians? (Bellowing) HOW DID THESE GUYS GET IN HERE?
(Alarm among the Lackeys.)
Pandy: Off with their fingers?
Queene: Off with their toes!
(Several Flunkeys surround the Lackeys and escort them out.)
The Stranger: (Bowing deeply) If it please your hollow Highness: allow your Humble and most unworthy servant to introduce himself.
Queene: O-ooo kay … So speak, O Stranger.
The Stranger: I am, and am called, HERMAN—Monk of the Orthodox.
(Gasps all ’round. THE STRANGER allows himself a sweeping magisterial glance at Councilors et. al.)
The Stranger: (In a calming voice)
Be not disturbéd, neither be dismayed.
We come in Peace, Envói of all Mankind.
(Continues)
Queene! Councilors! Flunkeys and Pawns! Give ear!
Ancient prophecies do predict the rise of atheism! The voices of Unreason, O Queene,—and of damnéd Ignorance! would blind the Eyes, yea the very Hearts of all our Kind. Let no Man be deceived: atheism is but a Meme upon the earth; a consequence of our fall … (turning dramatically) … from the Knowledge of God.
Voices in the crowd: Insults! Infamy! Off with his fingers! Off with his toes!!
Queene: Silence! …
(Eyes glaze over. Queene’s reverberations die down. Queene continues in an ominously quiet tone.)
Queene (turning toward The Stranger with crafty narrowed eyes): Let the Man be heard …
The Stranger (Bowing deeply): Thank you, O most illustrated Queene. (Continuing) As I was saying: Atheism is a but nasty old meme, a Virus of the Mind, sucking the blood of the Intellect—a Vampyr of the Soul!
Queene: O! Will you PLEASE give me a break!
(Second Councilor raises a sign that reads GROAN. Atheists all obediently groan.)
…
[MORE]
…
The Stranger: And yet, O Queene, in a certain far-off Land, there exists (raising an eyebrow) … but shall I say … the C–word?
Councilor 1 (Alarmed): What’s this … What is this … “C –word?”
Pandy: I know what he's gonna say, I know what he's gonna say!
(First Councilor is frantically trying to get the QUEENE’S attention, trying to wave her off.)
Queene (ignoring him): Ok. So what's … “the C–word?”
The Stranger: The Word, O Queene, is Cure.
Queene: Ha! Really? Ha ha! That’s great—a cure! A “cure” for atheism! (To the atheists, with a glint in her eye): Well I guess I haven’t heard that one before! (Laughs, gesturing toward Second Councilor.)
(Second Councilor raises a sign that reads “LAUGH.” The Atheists all obediently get a good laugh out of this.)
Queene: And what is this “Cure?” …
The Stranger: Good question, O Queene! But shall I say … the E - WORD?
(Gasps. “Oh, no. Not again!” General hubbub.)
Queene: Silence I say! …
The Stranger (Aside to audience, hands on hips): Cheese! These people!
Queene: (To THE STRANGER) Stranger, say on.
The Stranger: Yes, O QUEENE, and so I shall. (Looking round) Let’s say the Word … A very frail very old Elder with very thick glasses: No! Not … not the E – word! (Collapses and is caught by persons on either side. General despair.)
The Stranger: Yes, my friends—Evidence!
Voice in the crowd: Nooooo!
Another voice: Not that!
Child (eyes wide): Mommie! He said a dirty word!
(Angry muttering from the crowd. Some ad-lib a few lame wisecracks.)
Queene: Silence I say! … (Aside to audience) Cheese! These people! (To THE STRANGER) Huh-geh … And?
The Stranger: Evidence, O Queene: Ever do ye atheists describe your faith as “a Belief held in the Absence of Evidence.” But I say unto you: there is no “absence” of evidence. We the people are faced with an abundance of evidence. And thou, O Queene, must seek it out. (We’ll help thee.) Yea: and in the process we will find, in Her very Person, Dame Wisdom, the Great and Wondrous! Atheists must be laboriously taught to Think! They must learn to Reason! This we must hold as a Sacred Doobie!
(Spontaneous laughter.)
The Stranger (annoyed): And what’s so funny? (Realizing) What did I say? I said Duty! I meant Duty. Darn it, you know what I meant!
(Renewed laughter.)
The Stranger: (recovering his dignity) A Sacred Duty, O Queene.
(As laughter trails off, a voice in the crowd: That was good, that was good. Ha!)
Queene: All right. Settle down. Stranger, continue.
The Stranger: We must make a Long & Harrowing Journey through Forbidden Lands, a Journey beyond The Veil. A Journey … of the Mind! A journey not for the weak-minded—nor yet for the faint-of-heart. A QUEST that none but Bravest of Souls may endure—a journey of Discoverie!
Fierce Tribes & Monsters will seek to bar our path. The barbaric & witless AD-HOMINEMS will attack us. We must face the horrible SNIDE-REMARK—and (turns briefly toward the crowd, a sardonic smirk on his face) the LAME-WISECRACK. We must pass through dense forests of UNSUPPORTED STATEMENTS, & STINKING FENS OF FALLACIOUS REASONING. Nitwits, losing heart, will deny the existence of their very souls! But the prize, O Queene, is Wisdom! Knowledge! Understanding! …
Councilor 3 (confidentially to Queene): Dig it, Queenie! …
Queene: So why should we waste our time with all this “thinking,” as you call it? (Nods toward First Councilor.)
(First Councilor prods Second Councilor who wakes up and raises the “LAUGH” sign. All obediently laugh.)
The Stranger: Why? (slyly) Shall I say … the T- WORD?
Voice: O God, no. Not another one. Please.
Another voice: Jesu Christu, not that.
Child: Mommy, is he going to say a dirty word?
The Stranger: Yes I say!—Truth!
(General Pan-demonium.)
[MORE]
The Stranger: And now, O Queene, it is thou that must Decide. Dame WISDOM, honouréd of all, is to be won—yet only by hard & troublesome toil shall we gain entrance to her marvelous Palace. Speak then, O Queene, shall we make this wondrous journey? … or shall we poor THEOLOGIANS be banishéd — & leave the Atheists and their Queene to their comfortable delusion?
Councilor 1 (struggling to recover from the shock): Your Most High Royalness! This ain’t no good idea! The theists have it all over us. We don’t stand a chance!
(QUEENE waves him off, thinking.)
Councilor 2: Think of the Children, o Self-important One! Their tender minds must be carefully warped lest reality corrupt them!
(The Queene is thinking furiously, a thousand voices surrounding her. Finally she can't take it anymore)
Queene: PEACE I SAY!
(Reverberations; then … silence. Finally)
The Stranger (close two-shot): What sayest thou? Speak, O QUEENE!
Queene (shaking herself): Well! Put me on the spot!
The Stranger: Let all attend—and let the wishes of the QUEENE be known!
(We hear the ticking of a clock along with the Jeopardy! music.)
Queene (Suddenly stands. Camera dollys in fast for a closeup): I Myself WILL LEAD THE WAY!
(THEOLOGIANS all shout YAY! Atheists all look a little sick.)
Queene (pointing): I Want Mean Ol’ Ikey. Hox. Pox. Eyeless. Pandy, you come too.
[MORE. A GAGGLE OF COUNCILORS SURROUND THE QUEENE WITH OBJECTIONS.]
Queene (looks at them all with obvious disgust, then turns to Pandy): Councilor: What do you say?
Councilor 3: Cheese, Queenie! Ya got me! Might be a good idea! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Queene: Mean Ol’ Ikey—what sayest thou?
Mean Ol’ Ikey (growling): duuuuuh … I don’t keer for it ...
(Pretty much everything Mean Ol’ Ikey says is a variation on “I don’t like it.” But anyone who knows Mean Ol’ Ikey knows that this means Raw Raw Raw! Let’s go!)
Queene: Then LET’S GO!!! (To The Stranger): O-ooooh-kay, Stranger. (Grimly) Let’s do this thing.
(Exeunt omnes.)
+
[Fragment. 1]
(As the THEOLOGIANS lead the atheists out of their intellectual backwater, they pass neighbors mowing their lawns &c who cheerily shout things like)
Neighbor 1: Howdy, neighbor! The earth is flat!
Neighbor 2: Hay there, hie there, hoe there! Moon landing was a hoax!
[Fragment. 2]
(They’re about to wade into the Stinking Fens of Fallacious Reasoning.)
Councilor 3: Wait a minute! I can’t go in there!
Councilor 1: O yeh? Why not?
Councilor 3: I’ll get doity!
Councilor 1: Why I oughta …
(The QUEENE and THE STRANGER exchange exasperated looks.)
Councilor 2: These are the Fens of Fallacious Reasoning! Nobody comes out clean!
Queene (shaking her head): Let’s get going …
Councilor 1 (to Councilor 3): I’ll kill you later.
[Fragment. 3]
As they proceed into the middle of Now-here, they discover a hardware store.
The Stranger: O, look: a hardware store. Let’s stop in here for a minute—(winks at Theologians) just to look around.
(Inside the store)
The Stranger (feigning nonchalance): Now, here’s a handy gadget!
Councilor 1: What is it?
The Stranger: It's is called a “baloney detector.” They can be very useful.
Pandy: O boy! I want one!
Councilor 1: Get outta here! It’s too expensive.
Councilor 3: I don’t see a price on it. How much is it?
The Stranger: Well, I don’t really know. We'll have to ask the salesclerk. O young man! Could you help us for a moment?
(The “young man” turns—and turns out to be a woman.)
[more schtick with Cate Blanchette. Finally:]
Salesclerk: It's only $9.95.
Pandy: It ain’t that much. I’ll take two! (takes two and starts for the check-out counter.)
The Stranger (quietly, almost to himself, as Pandy heads off): It may be more expensive than you think, friend Pandy.
Councilor 1: Now, what’s that supposed to mean?
The Stranger (turning dramatically): It could cost you your faith!
+
That’s all, folks! Now, wasn’t that fun?
Father Herman
Questions? Comments? Snide remarks?
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GRETA GARBO AS ALIÉNNE, QUEENE OF THE ATHEISTS
Councilors to the Queene:
Moe Howard First Councilor
Larry Fine Second Councilor
Jerome Howard Third Councilor
Others.
Her Flunkies:
Joe di Rita Pandy
Tor Johnson (?) Mean Ol’ Ikey
Hox & Pocks the Twins
Eyeless
& Others.
Plus hangers-honors, and an exodus of refugees from atheism, with children. Including:
A very frail very old Elder with very thick glasses who falls over backwards when all the electric lights in the Cathedral are turned on in quick succession.
A Mommy with a small child.
An opinionated low-rent “intellectual.”
Those of the Theolgians’ Part:
BORIS KARLOFF AS THE STRANGER
His Synodia:
Father Chuy, a humble presvyteros (parish priest).
Eva, his presvytera, the Home-school Supervisor.
With their Children:
Stellios the Silent, their son the reader; also the family documentarian.
Prokopia, their daughter the Psaltis; also a Home-school teacher.
The Home-school:
Lily Tomlin Home-school Teacher Anastasia.
Phyllis Diller Home-school Teacher Lydia.
Kids.
Those they encounter along the way:
hyperAnthropos.com, opinionated Orthodox layman on the internet.
With:
CATE BLANCHETT as THE SALESCLERK.And …
Marty Feldman as JERMÁNUS, Orthodox monk found in a rabbit hole. Scene: [align=center]
Festivities!
The year is 2155. The QUEENE OF THE ATHEISTS is holding court to celebrate the 200th anniversary of the destruction of the Moscow Cathedral of Christ the Saviour and its replacement with a department store for the Atheist Party’s wealthy inner elite.
Alienne, Queene of the Atheists is a tall lean large-boned Goth-style amazon, her tattooed arms and legs bright with color, a bright red streak in her hair matching the bright red in her black and red couture (deep yellow trim).
Dozens of Councilors, Flunkies, Lackeys, and Pawns fill the vaulted chamber. Heavy draperies, dark as martyrs’ blood, obscure the light of reason. The Throne, set in a niche at the west end of the Great Hall, is on a platform high & lifted up, to which the Queene ascends by steps. She’s surrounded by a guard of Flunkeys. A blood-red carpet runs from the east entrance, across the hall, & up the steps to the Throne.
Above the Throne a huge shield bears an IMAGE that seems to arise from the brooding Queene’s innermost thoughts: a grim & sinister image: a MUSHROOM CLOUD in full florescence—the Dread Symbol of the Atheists! Above the Dread Symbol is the legend WE ARE THE ATHEISTS and beneath it the words NOTHING MATTERS.
The Throne & its Queene are surrounded by the Queene’s Flunkeys: Mean Ol’ Ikey, Pandy, and others. They’re all huge and powerful—except fat, fastidious Pandy.
[MORE]
Queene (Rises and raises her fist. Her voice reverberates throughout the Hall): Hey there! Hie there! Hoe there!
All: Yaaaaaay!
Queene: Nothing Matters!
All: Nothing Matters!
Queene: Nothing Matters!
All: Nothing Matters!
Queene: Nothing Matters!
All: Nothing Matters! Yaaaaaay!
Queene: We are the Atheists!
All: We are the Atheists! We are the Atheists! We are the Atheists!
(All join in like a flock of crows. When this dies down (a couple of stragglers) the Queene starts the whole thing over again. When the crow bit is over, music, dancing and mingling. The Queene returns to her throne.)
Councilor 2 : O Queene! Live until you die!
Queene: Acquire existence, pencil-neck.
Councilor 1: Nitwit! Step aside. I’ll show you how it's done. (Grabs him by the hair and pulls him aside. Approaches Queene: O Queene! Live forever!
Queene: Get out of here, runt.
Councilor 3: I really admired your last movie.
Queene: Get back, freak.
(Suddenly: THE STRANGER with his band of THEOLOGIANS, hurried after by harried lackeys in deep alarm, the Dread Symbol displayed upon their breasts, strides forth and places himself squarely before the throne.)
The Stranger (Cries out in a loud voice): Give place all ye! I address myself to none but the QUEENE! (Turns to the Queene) Yo! O QUEENE. May Your Soul live Forever, nor may it never be destroyed!
Queene (Stands abruptly, dashing her hash pipe to the ground): Damn NATION! What means this intrusion upon our solemn day of Joy & Gladness?
The Stranger: Maintain, O most Glorious Queene. We mean no harm. We are but a Humble Band of Travelling Theologians.
Queene: (Dryly) Really … theologians? (Bellowing) HOW DID THESE GUYS GET IN HERE?
(Alarm among the Lackeys.)
Pandy: Off with their fingers?
Queene: Off with their toes!
(Several Flunkeys surround the Lackeys and escort them out.)
The Stranger: (Bowing deeply) If it please your hollow Highness: allow your Humble and most unworthy servant to introduce himself.
Queene: O-ooo kay … So speak, O Stranger.
The Stranger: I am, and am called, HERMAN—Monk of the Orthodox.
(Gasps all ’round. THE STRANGER allows himself a sweeping magisterial glance at Councilors et. al.)
The Stranger: (In a calming voice)
Be not disturbéd, neither be dismayed.
We come in Peace, Envói of all Mankind.
(Continues)
Queene! Councilors! Flunkeys and Pawns! Give ear!
Ancient prophecies do predict the rise of atheism! The voices of Unreason, O Queene,—and of damnéd Ignorance! would blind the Eyes, yea the very Hearts of all our Kind. Let no Man be deceived: atheism is but a Meme upon the earth; a consequence of our fall … (turning dramatically) … from the Knowledge of God.
Voices in the crowd: Insults! Infamy! Off with his fingers! Off with his toes!!
Queene: Silence! …
(Eyes glaze over. Queene’s reverberations die down. Queene continues in an ominously quiet tone.)
Queene (turning toward The Stranger with crafty narrowed eyes): Let the Man be heard …
The Stranger (Bowing deeply): Thank you, O most illustrated Queene. (Continuing) As I was saying: Atheism is a but nasty old meme, a Virus of the Mind, sucking the blood of the Intellect—a Vampyr of the Soul!
Queene: O! Will you PLEASE give me a break!
(Second Councilor raises a sign that reads GROAN. Atheists all obediently groan.)
…
[MORE]
…
The Stranger: And yet, O Queene, in a certain far-off Land, there exists (raising an eyebrow) … but shall I say … the C–word?
Councilor 1 (Alarmed): What’s this … What is this … “C –word?”
Pandy: I know what he's gonna say, I know what he's gonna say!
(First Councilor is frantically trying to get the QUEENE’S attention, trying to wave her off.)
Queene (ignoring him): Ok. So what's … “the C–word?”
The Stranger: The Word, O Queene, is Cure.
Queene: Ha! Really? Ha ha! That’s great—a cure! A “cure” for atheism! (To the atheists, with a glint in her eye): Well I guess I haven’t heard that one before! (Laughs, gesturing toward Second Councilor.)
(Second Councilor raises a sign that reads “LAUGH.” The Atheists all obediently get a good laugh out of this.)
Queene: And what is this “Cure?” …
The Stranger: Good question, O Queene! But shall I say … the E - WORD?
(Gasps. “Oh, no. Not again!” General hubbub.)
Queene: Silence I say! …
The Stranger (Aside to audience, hands on hips): Cheese! These people!
Queene: (To THE STRANGER) Stranger, say on.
The Stranger: Yes, O QUEENE, and so I shall. (Looking round) Let’s say the Word … A very frail very old Elder with very thick glasses: No! Not … not the E – word! (Collapses and is caught by persons on either side. General despair.)
The Stranger: Yes, my friends—Evidence!
Voice in the crowd: Nooooo!
Another voice: Not that!
Child (eyes wide): Mommie! He said a dirty word!
(Angry muttering from the crowd. Some ad-lib a few lame wisecracks.)
Queene: Silence I say! … (Aside to audience) Cheese! These people! (To THE STRANGER) Huh-geh … And?
The Stranger: Evidence, O Queene: Ever do ye atheists describe your faith as “a Belief held in the Absence of Evidence.” But I say unto you: there is no “absence” of evidence. We the people are faced with an abundance of evidence. And thou, O Queene, must seek it out. (We’ll help thee.) Yea: and in the process we will find, in Her very Person, Dame Wisdom, the Great and Wondrous! Atheists must be laboriously taught to Think! They must learn to Reason! This we must hold as a Sacred Doobie!
(Spontaneous laughter.)
The Stranger (annoyed): And what’s so funny? (Realizing) What did I say? I said Duty! I meant Duty. Darn it, you know what I meant!
(Renewed laughter.)
The Stranger: (recovering his dignity) A Sacred Duty, O Queene.
(As laughter trails off, a voice in the crowd: That was good, that was good. Ha!)
Queene: All right. Settle down. Stranger, continue.
The Stranger: We must make a Long & Harrowing Journey through Forbidden Lands, a Journey beyond The Veil. A Journey … of the Mind! A journey not for the weak-minded—nor yet for the faint-of-heart. A QUEST that none but Bravest of Souls may endure—a journey of Discoverie!
Fierce Tribes & Monsters will seek to bar our path. The barbaric & witless AD-HOMINEMS will attack us. We must face the horrible SNIDE-REMARK—and (turns briefly toward the crowd, a sardonic smirk on his face) the LAME-WISECRACK. We must pass through dense forests of UNSUPPORTED STATEMENTS, & STINKING FENS OF FALLACIOUS REASONING. Nitwits, losing heart, will deny the existence of their very souls! But the prize, O Queene, is Wisdom! Knowledge! Understanding! …
Councilor 3 (confidentially to Queene): Dig it, Queenie! …
Queene: So why should we waste our time with all this “thinking,” as you call it? (Nods toward First Councilor.)
(First Councilor prods Second Councilor who wakes up and raises the “LAUGH” sign. All obediently laugh.)
The Stranger: Why? (slyly) Shall I say … the T- WORD?
Voice: O God, no. Not another one. Please.
Another voice: Jesu Christu, not that.
Child: Mommy, is he going to say a dirty word?
The Stranger: Yes I say!—Truth!
(General Pan-demonium.)
[MORE]
The Stranger: And now, O Queene, it is thou that must Decide. Dame WISDOM, honouréd of all, is to be won—yet only by hard & troublesome toil shall we gain entrance to her marvelous Palace. Speak then, O Queene, shall we make this wondrous journey? … or shall we poor THEOLOGIANS be banishéd — & leave the Atheists and their Queene to their comfortable delusion?
Councilor 1 (struggling to recover from the shock): Your Most High Royalness! This ain’t no good idea! The theists have it all over us. We don’t stand a chance!
(QUEENE waves him off, thinking.)
Councilor 2: Think of the Children, o Self-important One! Their tender minds must be carefully warped lest reality corrupt them!
(The Queene is thinking furiously, a thousand voices surrounding her. Finally she can't take it anymore)
Queene: PEACE I SAY!
(Reverberations; then … silence. Finally)
The Stranger (close two-shot): What sayest thou? Speak, O QUEENE!
Queene (shaking herself): Well! Put me on the spot!
The Stranger: Let all attend—and let the wishes of the QUEENE be known!
(We hear the ticking of a clock along with the Jeopardy! music.)
Queene (Suddenly stands. Camera dollys in fast for a closeup): I Myself WILL LEAD THE WAY!
(THEOLOGIANS all shout YAY! Atheists all look a little sick.)
Queene (pointing): I Want Mean Ol’ Ikey. Hox. Pox. Eyeless. Pandy, you come too.
[MORE. A GAGGLE OF COUNCILORS SURROUND THE QUEENE WITH OBJECTIONS.]
Queene (looks at them all with obvious disgust, then turns to Pandy): Councilor: What do you say?
Councilor 3: Cheese, Queenie! Ya got me! Might be a good idea! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Queene: Mean Ol’ Ikey—what sayest thou?
Mean Ol’ Ikey (growling): duuuuuh … I don’t keer for it ...
(Pretty much everything Mean Ol’ Ikey says is a variation on “I don’t like it.” But anyone who knows Mean Ol’ Ikey knows that this means Raw Raw Raw! Let’s go!)
Queene: Then LET’S GO!!! (To The Stranger): O-ooooh-kay, Stranger. (Grimly) Let’s do this thing.
(Exeunt omnes.)
+
[Fragment. 1]
(As the THEOLOGIANS lead the atheists out of their intellectual backwater, they pass neighbors mowing their lawns &c who cheerily shout things like)
Neighbor 1: Howdy, neighbor! The earth is flat!
Neighbor 2: Hay there, hie there, hoe there! Moon landing was a hoax!
[Fragment. 2]
(They’re about to wade into the Stinking Fens of Fallacious Reasoning.)
Councilor 3: Wait a minute! I can’t go in there!
Councilor 1: O yeh? Why not?
Councilor 3: I’ll get doity!
Councilor 1: Why I oughta …
(The QUEENE and THE STRANGER exchange exasperated looks.)
Councilor 2: These are the Fens of Fallacious Reasoning! Nobody comes out clean!
Queene (shaking her head): Let’s get going …
Councilor 1 (to Councilor 3): I’ll kill you later.
[Fragment. 3]
As they proceed into the middle of Now-here, they discover a hardware store.
The Stranger: O, look: a hardware store. Let’s stop in here for a minute—(winks at Theologians) just to look around.
(Inside the store)
The Stranger (feigning nonchalance): Now, here’s a handy gadget!
Councilor 1: What is it?
The Stranger: It's is called a “baloney detector.” They can be very useful.
Pandy: O boy! I want one!
Councilor 1: Get outta here! It’s too expensive.
Councilor 3: I don’t see a price on it. How much is it?
The Stranger: Well, I don’t really know. We'll have to ask the salesclerk. O young man! Could you help us for a moment?
(The “young man” turns—and turns out to be a woman.)
[more schtick with Cate Blanchette. Finally:]
Salesclerk: It's only $9.95.
Pandy: It ain’t that much. I’ll take two! (takes two and starts for the check-out counter.)
The Stranger (quietly, almost to himself, as Pandy heads off): It may be more expensive than you think, friend Pandy.
Councilor 1: Now, what’s that supposed to mean?
The Stranger (turning dramatically): It could cost you your faith!
+
That’s all, folks! Now, wasn’t that fun?
Father Herman
Questions? Comments? Snide remarks?
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