A Moral Dilemma RE Homelessness

[Zazzy]

So I have mentioned before somewhere that one of my closest friends from WAY back is a homeless junkie (crackhead). He has absolutely chosen this life, and will say so himself. If he wants to try sobriety, I will drive his ass to a beautiful detox/rehab center and pay for it, which I have done several times, and will continue to do.

This is the most wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, talented man I know. He's astounding. When he's sober, he's my soulmate. We know each other so well it's crazy. I love him like I love few other people- I've known him since we were 11, and we're 42 now.

When he's in full crackhead mode, as he is now, he's an asshole, a thief, a liar, and a dumbass. He has stolen a good deal from me in the past, and will again if given the chance.

It's freezing here now- about 26 degrees and falling (unusual for Texas). He called and asked if he could stay in my car tonight (the first time I've heard from him in almost a year). The shelters here are mobilized and ready to go. I don't know if they have enough beds, but they have a lot, and he hasn't even tried them, because you can't smoke crack there.

When starting this thread, it was my intention to withhold my decision because I wanted to see what youse guys would say first, but now I've changed my mind.

I said no and offered to drive him to rehab. He said no. I said I was sorry, and to go to a shelter. He hung up on me.

I'm sitting in my warm house with a full stomach feeling serious anxiety now. What if he dies? What is my responsibility? Did I do right, or wrong?

[Jackalope]

Honestly, that choice is a real shit sandwich.

You offered help, very generous help, and it was turned down because it was not on terms that allowed him to continue using. You should not be expected to be an enabler of his self-destructive behavior. If something happens to him, it will be because he chose drugs over self-preservation.

I might have closed by offering enough warm clothing and blankets to get through the weather.

[freedomfromforum]

Honestly, that choice is a real shit sandwich.

You offered help, very generous help, and it was turned down because it was not on terms that allowed him to continue using. You should not be expected to be an enabler of his self-destructive behavior. If something happens to him, it will be because he chose drugs over self-preservation.

I might have closed by offering enough warm clothing and blankets to get through the weather.

I agree with all of this ^

I've been homeless, and I've been a cokehead. Fortunately not at the same time. I feel empathy for you and your friend. I think I may also identify a bit with his plight. I think you have the answer inside of you - trust yourself.

[Rahul]

You did right, Zazzy. You offered him help. He just refused it. He wanted to be enabled not helped.

[Raven]

I totally agree with what Cthulhu wrote. Some people simply cannot be helped. A stone cold substance abuser cares about one thing only. Using.
I've been there. I know. And. it. hurts. like. bloody. hell.

Grew up with a guy. Let's call him "J". Dude was one damn fine human being. Brilliant as well. He went off to college on an academic scholarship.
Fell in with the stoners and ended up flunking out. Came back to Brooklyn and started hanging with the neighborhood junkies and pillheads. The spike became god to him. It's the same with any stone cold druggie. Nobody could do anything for this guy because he would not let them. Rehab to him was like death - he would not hear of it. Eventually he ended up dead in an alley, covered in snow. It's sad. I feel for you, but it is the only thing you can do. When the addiction is that advanced you've become just another resource to the addict. They are not seeing YOU, they only see what use you can be to them. If he ever does clean up like as not he'll feel terrible about all the people he hurt due to his addiction.

Wish I could tell you something nicer.

[Minimalist]

If you had continued to be an enabler eventually he would kill himself. How would you feel then? Truly, this is a damned if you do - damned if you don't choice.

[rexbeccarox]

I don't really have anything to add, just a hug.

[Zazzy]

I might have closed by offering enough warm clothing and blankets to get through the weather.

He didn't give me the chance to close- he hung up on me. It was a pay phone (yes- those still exist!). A year ago, I gave him blankets and a coat (for about the 20th time), but I'm sure those are gone now.

Honestly, after 25+ years of this BULLSHIT, I'm getting to a point where the ONLY thing I'm willing to do now is rehab (which costs THOUSANDS of dollars, BTW). I just can't do the junkie pity thing with him anymore. Or can I? I'll stay awake all night tonight feeling like a shit, and then feeling angry that I feel that way, and then remembering how awesome he is if I can just get him to stop using for a while, and than being angry at him for being such a douche, and then missing him terribly.

ARGGH. WHY is there crack? WHY?

[Mystical]

You did just fine, Zazzy
His life is not your responsibility. His choices aren't either. Your choices are, and you chose not to help him walk on farther towards the grave. What if he'd OD'd in your car? Or hotwired it?

[EgoRaptor]

Don't do it. He is clearly a psychic vampire & will only steal more from you if given the chance. If he dies so be it, it is his responsibility not yours to take care of himself. I understand you may love him, I'm 16 & I fell in love at 13 & am still in love with the same girl. But unless you can tolerate him being a crackhead & stealing from you than there is nothing to be done but tell him to fuck off. Let him go to the shelter, ultimately you will not be able to force him to sober up. Just know that you have done the right thing.