Agnostic leaning towards atheism
March 15, 2014 at 6:49 am
(This post was last modified: March 15, 2014 at 6:53 am by OGirly.)
Hello all who read this introduction 
This is going to be kinda long since well I don't have many people to talk to about my feelings on this matter. Let me pour my heart out on the internets then...
A bit about me quickly, and then I'll get into what brought me to this site in the first place. I'm 25, female, and currently a Philosophy/Psychology dual major with Pre-Medicine. I hope to be a psychiatrist. I suffered from schizophrenia for 7 years (in and out of hospital), and until recently I was unable to pursue my educational goals. I may be a bit late out of the gate, but I'll get there soon enough!
I figure my first hand experience of being in a mental facility many times will lend me a bit of sympathy to my future patients (I should mention I am happily, and successfully, medicated; and I am in recovery..it's not going to be a case of the mad leading the mad if that's what your thinking ). I'm in a closed polyamourous relationship with two amazing partners who are religious. Anyway enough of this, and into the meat and potatoes of my introduction.
I was raised without religion. Not in the sense of being an Atheist, but simply in a house that God was not really part of the daily discussion. I knew my mother believed in God, and an afterlife; but, my fathers views have always remained a mystery as he really just never talked about religion (he was raised Catholic...go figure that religion isn't one of his favourite topics). Neither of my parents forced their views upon me, and neither of them even encouraged me to seek out religion. However, I did start 'finding' religion at an early age. (I should mention here that my Grandmother, who was quite an influence on me, does have a strong belief in God. She always encouraged me to share in this belief, and she was the first person that I can pinpoint who put the fear of hellfire into my brain)
My first encounter with organised religion, which in hindsight terrifies me that this is possible, was with the Mormon church. I am a bit of an internet nerd (go figure..being on a forums and all), and needless to say I spent a lot of my early years surfing the internet. At about the age of 10 I happened across a series of books aimed to brainwash...I mean educate... children about the 'truths' of the mormon church. I sent away for the workbooks, and each week I worked though my Jesus booklets, sent it off to be graded, and eagerly awaited my certificate and next booklet. Give a nerd kid a certificate, and she's hooked! I finished the entire series, and at the end I was a legit Jesus-Freak; but not just any kind of Jesus-Freak...a mormon one.
My parents showed some concern with my interest in the mormon church (for obvious reasons), but they have always allowed me my religious journey; and so they didn't interfere. Well soon enough I had finished all the booklets and earned all the certificates. I lost interest in mormonism (effective programme huh?), but I retained my Christianity much to the delight of my Grandmother (a girl brought up in a strict Jehovah's Witness family). She filled me with stories of Jesus's/God's mercy, glory, and horrible terrifying wrath. Mainly she just terrified me with hellfire, and with how I would go there if I didn't behave/live up to Christian standards. Obviously no child wants to burn in hell forever so I obeyed. (I am now convinced this is a form of child abuse, but I understand my Grandmother didn't do this maliciously. It's forgiven, but I've learned I'll never do this to my children when I have them nor shall anyone else for that matter.)
All through most of my early adult life I was comfortable. I was terrified of hell, but I knew that if I behaved I wouldn't have to worry about it. I was a good Christian, and I even considered becoming a nun. Then I found pot...and mushrooms...and then...LSD. I should say I love LSD (a bit too much my doctors would say as it seriously helped bring out my schizophrenia much earlier than it probably would have otherwise. I now do it only occasionally, not like I used to). I've tripped so many times, and at so many different doses, I can no longer count; and acid was an integral turning point in my spiritual journey. I taught me to question things.
I learned, like everyone does, that parents and adults can lie at an early age; but for some reason it wasn't until I took LSD (and not on my first trip by any means) that I realised that they could also lie about religion. I must admit this realisation shocked me. I became an atheist, but I couldn't ever escape my fear of hellfire or pleading with God when times got tough or I was afraid. I was always drawn back to religion, and so I kept looking. I found Islam in my early 20's (around 21). I became a radical Muslim. I wore niqab (face covering), prayed five times a day, fasted, didn't associate with men, and only kept other Muslim friends. The whole shebang. My parents again showed concern, but they respected my decision (although my father rather hesitantly). I lived like this for three years, and I should stress this was total immersion as in it was all I read about, talked about, and thought about.
I became a complete faith-head. Embarrassingly I admit I stopped thinking critically, and most importantly I stopped thinking for myself. I believed and followed the dogmas of Islam to the letter, and I felt it was the only answer. Anything contradictory (this included evolution I, again embarrassingly, admit) was tossed aside as a Western plot to destroy faith. I was afraid to even think of anything against God (like the thought would be enough to eternally damn me to hell). This, I remind you, was up until this last year.
Last year, around January, I started to recover from my psychosis. I finally had a diagnosis, and my doctors were getting me onto medications that were finally working for me. It was in January that I was finally labeled by my doctor as being 'in recovery'; and it was then that I was cleared to pursue my normal life. I must mention...with medication came mental clarity; and with mental clarity I lost God. My deep spiritual connection that I felt toward God my entire life vanished. I thought "What if there is no God" freely without fear of retribution, and when no retribution came I kept on thinking it; but now I can't shed feelings of guilt for thinking like this, and I want to be free of this guilt.
That gets me to where I am now. I'm a medical student, and a scientist. I believe in evolution, and I believe in science. I base my morals in my philosophy, and I gain my knowledge of our universe from my studies in the various disciplines of science; but, I am struggling to shed my religious tendencies. I now realise that these are just residual emotions left in me from my grandmothers influence combined with, what I am now convinced was, my years of schizophrenia induced religious psychosis. I still struggle to free my mind of the constraints of religion. I want to shed these shackles, but I am having trouble...and that's why I'm here. I hope to learn from you all, and grow. Please, help me shed my religion and embrace the freedom of atheism.
Okies. I'll make other posts dealing with my specific issues as I feel comfortable bringing them up, but this is me in a nutshell and my journey (in brief...sort of) to this page.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
best wishes!
This is going to be kinda long since well I don't have many people to talk to about my feelings on this matter. Let me pour my heart out on the internets then...A bit about me quickly, and then I'll get into what brought me to this site in the first place. I'm 25, female, and currently a Philosophy/Psychology dual major with Pre-Medicine. I hope to be a psychiatrist. I suffered from schizophrenia for 7 years (in and out of hospital), and until recently I was unable to pursue my educational goals. I may be a bit late out of the gate, but I'll get there soon enough!
I figure my first hand experience of being in a mental facility many times will lend me a bit of sympathy to my future patients (I should mention I am happily, and successfully, medicated; and I am in recovery..it's not going to be a case of the mad leading the mad if that's what your thinking ). I'm in a closed polyamourous relationship with two amazing partners who are religious. Anyway enough of this, and into the meat and potatoes of my introduction. I was raised without religion. Not in the sense of being an Atheist, but simply in a house that God was not really part of the daily discussion. I knew my mother believed in God, and an afterlife; but, my fathers views have always remained a mystery as he really just never talked about religion (he was raised Catholic...go figure that religion isn't one of his favourite topics). Neither of my parents forced their views upon me, and neither of them even encouraged me to seek out religion. However, I did start 'finding' religion at an early age. (I should mention here that my Grandmother, who was quite an influence on me, does have a strong belief in God. She always encouraged me to share in this belief, and she was the first person that I can pinpoint who put the fear of hellfire into my brain)
My first encounter with organised religion, which in hindsight terrifies me that this is possible, was with the Mormon church. I am a bit of an internet nerd (go figure..being on a forums and all), and needless to say I spent a lot of my early years surfing the internet. At about the age of 10 I happened across a series of books aimed to brainwash...I mean educate... children about the 'truths' of the mormon church. I sent away for the workbooks, and each week I worked though my Jesus booklets, sent it off to be graded, and eagerly awaited my certificate and next booklet. Give a nerd kid a certificate, and she's hooked! I finished the entire series, and at the end I was a legit Jesus-Freak; but not just any kind of Jesus-Freak...a mormon one.
My parents showed some concern with my interest in the mormon church (for obvious reasons), but they have always allowed me my religious journey; and so they didn't interfere. Well soon enough I had finished all the booklets and earned all the certificates. I lost interest in mormonism (effective programme huh?), but I retained my Christianity much to the delight of my Grandmother (a girl brought up in a strict Jehovah's Witness family). She filled me with stories of Jesus's/God's mercy, glory, and horrible terrifying wrath. Mainly she just terrified me with hellfire, and with how I would go there if I didn't behave/live up to Christian standards. Obviously no child wants to burn in hell forever so I obeyed. (I am now convinced this is a form of child abuse, but I understand my Grandmother didn't do this maliciously. It's forgiven, but I've learned I'll never do this to my children when I have them nor shall anyone else for that matter.)
All through most of my early adult life I was comfortable. I was terrified of hell, but I knew that if I behaved I wouldn't have to worry about it. I was a good Christian, and I even considered becoming a nun. Then I found pot...and mushrooms...and then...LSD. I should say I love LSD (a bit too much my doctors would say as it seriously helped bring out my schizophrenia much earlier than it probably would have otherwise. I now do it only occasionally, not like I used to). I've tripped so many times, and at so many different doses, I can no longer count; and acid was an integral turning point in my spiritual journey. I taught me to question things.
I learned, like everyone does, that parents and adults can lie at an early age; but for some reason it wasn't until I took LSD (and not on my first trip by any means) that I realised that they could also lie about religion. I must admit this realisation shocked me. I became an atheist, but I couldn't ever escape my fear of hellfire or pleading with God when times got tough or I was afraid. I was always drawn back to religion, and so I kept looking. I found Islam in my early 20's (around 21). I became a radical Muslim. I wore niqab (face covering), prayed five times a day, fasted, didn't associate with men, and only kept other Muslim friends. The whole shebang. My parents again showed concern, but they respected my decision (although my father rather hesitantly). I lived like this for three years, and I should stress this was total immersion as in it was all I read about, talked about, and thought about.
I became a complete faith-head. Embarrassingly I admit I stopped thinking critically, and most importantly I stopped thinking for myself. I believed and followed the dogmas of Islam to the letter, and I felt it was the only answer. Anything contradictory (this included evolution I, again embarrassingly, admit) was tossed aside as a Western plot to destroy faith. I was afraid to even think of anything against God (like the thought would be enough to eternally damn me to hell). This, I remind you, was up until this last year.
Last year, around January, I started to recover from my psychosis. I finally had a diagnosis, and my doctors were getting me onto medications that were finally working for me. It was in January that I was finally labeled by my doctor as being 'in recovery'; and it was then that I was cleared to pursue my normal life. I must mention...with medication came mental clarity; and with mental clarity I lost God. My deep spiritual connection that I felt toward God my entire life vanished. I thought "What if there is no God" freely without fear of retribution, and when no retribution came I kept on thinking it; but now I can't shed feelings of guilt for thinking like this, and I want to be free of this guilt.
That gets me to where I am now. I'm a medical student, and a scientist. I believe in evolution, and I believe in science. I base my morals in my philosophy, and I gain my knowledge of our universe from my studies in the various disciplines of science; but, I am struggling to shed my religious tendencies. I now realise that these are just residual emotions left in me from my grandmothers influence combined with, what I am now convinced was, my years of schizophrenia induced religious psychosis. I still struggle to free my mind of the constraints of religion. I want to shed these shackles, but I am having trouble...and that's why I'm here. I hope to learn from you all, and grow. Please, help me shed my religion and embrace the freedom of atheism.
Okies. I'll make other posts dealing with my specific issues as I feel comfortable bringing them up, but this is me in a nutshell and my journey (in brief...sort of) to this page.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
best wishes!
![[Image: 1509277_363796590425193_1433975890_n.jpg]](https://scontent-a-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/t1.0-9/1509277_363796590425193_1433975890_n.jpg)
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