AF Hall of Mirth (Post Edition)

[Iroscato]

Thanks Rob I am mending. I have the best mending mate, and that means the world.
I'm having fun with this forum today, so, that's something.

Today I was promised a "speedbump" from Stimbo. And boy was I not disappointed!

This is the first thing I read from that thread, after the bumpedybump.

There's a joke involving Rik's mother and rivers of semen merging into bigger rivers of semen somewhere, but I'm far too tired and too much of a wimp to actually hammer something together right now

*Bows*

Happy to be of service and that I'm at least vaguely amusing, even when knackered

[Thumpalumpacus]

Hiya Luckie, glad to see you're on the mend.

[ignoramus]

Today I was promised a "speedbump" from Stimbo. And boy was I not disappointed!

HaHa, the first thing I thought of was that Stimbo threw "GC" or "Rikky" on the road in front of your car!

It creates a nice mental picture! (God's plan and all that)


Good to see you're reasonably well ...

[Losty]

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well let me show u this my friend. Now first u do understand the Qur'an was revealed in the 7th century when technology didn't yet exist? So no HUMAN BEING could have knowledge of the things I will show u to look over and research for urself. So with u and ur scientifically sound mind I'd like u to review this:


MIRACLES OF THE QUR’AN
SCIENTISTS HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT OUR UNIVERSE IS EXPANDING. STARS ARE MOVING FURTHER DISTANCES APART FROM EACH OTHER. IMAGINE DRAWING MANY DOTS ON A BALLOON, THEN INFLATING IT WITH AIR. AS MORE AIR IS PUT IN THE BALLOON THE DOTS WILL SPREAD FURTHER APART. THIS IS THE CASE WITH OUR UNIVERSE (THE BALLOON) AND THE STARS (DOTS). IN THE QUR’AN CH.51 VERSE 47 ALLAH SAYS: wa samaaa’a banainaahaa bi’aiidin wa innaalamuusi’uun.[ AND WE HAVE CREATED THE UNIVERSE WITH POWER AND WE ARE EXPANDING IT]. NOW IN THE 7TH CENTURY THIS WAS NOT UNDERSTOOD BY MANY PEOPLE, AS THE WAY IT IS, BECAUSE OF OUR TECHNOLOGY, UNDERSTOOD NOW. SO THE QUR’AN STATES THAT THE UNIVERSE WAS EXPANDING BACK IN THE 7TH CENTURY AND WHO ELSE BUT GOD ALLAH COULD HAVE THE POWER AND KNOWLEDGE TO DO SO. PROVING THE QUR’AN IS THE WORD OF GOD AND NOT MAN. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.
 
THE PROPHET MUHAMMAD PBUH WAS BORN IN 570 AND BEGAN RECEIVING REVELATIONS OF THE QUR’AN FROM ALLAH THROUGH THE ANGEL GABRIEL PBUH IN THE YEAR 610 WHICH WAS OVER 1,400 YEARS AGO, A TIME PERIOD WHERE TODAY’S SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY DID NOT YET EXIST. HE CONTINUED TO RECEIVE REVELATIONS OF THE QUR’AN, PORTIONS AT A TIME, OVER A 23 YEAR PERIOD UNTIL HIS DEATH IN 632.
these miracles placed in this book, listed in the original Arabic language, cannot possibly be from a human being but from the All-Powerful Allah Himself. Many words are used throughout the Qur’an, in the Arabic language, that contrast with each other such as hot and cold both used 4 times each. But they’re not all used in the same verses like hot and cold hot and cold hot and cold. They are all spread out throughout the entire Qur’an. Angels and demons are each used 88 times. Man and woman 23 times each.(and men and women have 23 sex chromosomes each as well). The word for day is used exactly 365 times. The word for month is used 12 times. As I told u b4 the word for "sea" is mentioned 32 times and the word for "land" is mentioned 13 times, if u add them together u get a total of 45. 32/45=71.11% the exact percentage of water covering the Earth and 13/45=28.89% the exact percentage of land on Earth.
God says "Jesus"(pbuh) was like "Adam"(pbuh) meaning they were both humans created by God Himself. Amazingly another way that they're alike is both of their names are mentioned 25 times each and the only time they are mentioned in the same verse is twice.
The words for "this life" and "the hereafter" are both mentioned 115 times each.
There are 114 total chapters. If u add the chapter number with the verses in that chapter u get a number. For ex: chapter 1 has 7 verses so 1+7=8 which is an even number and if u do this for each chapter u get EXACTLY 57 even numbers and 57 odd numbers. Add all the 57 even numbers and u get 6,236 which is also the TOTAL NUMBER of verses in the entire Qur'an(from just adding the sum of 57 even chapters)but wait, if u add all of the 57 odd numbers u get 6,555. By adding all the of chapter numbers together 1+2+3....114 u get 6,555. But if u were to add a single verse or chapter or take away a single verse or chapter to or from the Qur'an this whole mathematical calculation would collapse, proving that these numbers were put in place by Allah Himself as the Qur’ans exact verses and chapters and protected by Him as well.
 
 
In ch.22 “al hajj” or “the pilgrimage”, verse 27 is the last time “hajj” is mentioned in the qur’an. there are 14 words in that verse and 14x27=378 and the sum of 1+2+3……all the way to 27 is 378.
 
Ch 71 “Nuh” or “noah pbuh” has 28 verses and noah pbuh is mentioned in 28 different ch. of the qur’an. and because his name is mentioned more than once in certain chapters the total number of times his name is mentioned is 43. 43+28=71 which is the chapter number and 43+71=114 the total number of chapters in the qur’an. since ch.71 is the last time noah’s pbuh name is mentioned this means there are 43 chapters after 71 that do not mention his name just as there are 43 chapters b4 71 that do mention his name.
 
the only mention of the word thunder is in 2 different chapters. ch.13:13 and ch.2:19. in 13:13, which is also in the 13th “Juz” or part of 30 parts in the qur’an, there are exactly 19 words made up of exactly 83 letters. in 2:19 this verse also contains 19 words totally different from 13:13 and also consisting of exactly 83 letters.
 
Ch.32 “As-Sajda” or “prostration” mentions the word “sujjadan” or “prostrate” and the number of derivatives of sujjadan without the vowels (sjd) is 32. in verse 15. there are 30 verses in this ch. meaning 15 is exactly halfway through, is composed of 15 words. there are 15 verses that mention prostration throughout the qur’an. this ch.consits of 372 words and “sujjadan” is the 186th word which is exactly halfway.
 
ch.27 “an-naml” or “the ants” begins with the disjoined arabic letters (Ta)T and (sin)s. These disjoined letters are throughout chapters in the entire qur’an and no one except allah knows what their exact meaning is. however it is interesting that there are exactly 27 ta letters and 93 sin letters in this chapter, and the ch.number is 27 and the number of verses is 93. now ch.9
“at-tauba” or “repentance” is the only ch. of the qur’an that does not begin with the phrase “bismillahir rahmaanir rahim” [In the name of allah the most gracious, the most merciful] this is due to the kalifah not knowing if the 8th chapter has ended or if it is a continuation. however the reader of the qur’an would connect chapters 9 and 27 with each other because in 27:30 prophet solomon pbuh was writing a letter to the queen of sheba, and started the letter with “bismillahir rahmaanir rahim”. so the numbers from ch. 9 to 27 =18 and 9 through 27 is 19. 18x19=342 and the sum of 9+10+11…..to 27 also=342. the word for ants “naml” is mentioned only 2 times in the qur’an and they’re both in the same verse 27:18 which contains 19 words.
 
In the bible, matthew’s gospel 1:17 lists there are 42 generations between abraham pbuh and jesus’ pbuh geneaology. It states 14 generations from abraham pbuh to david pbuh. then 14 more from david pbuh to the babylonian exile. then finally 14 more to jesus pbuh. scholars have discovered that matthew has deliberately tailored the list to come up with 3 sets of 14 generations. words in hebrew are written just as in arabic without vowels, so the name for prophet david pbuh in hebrew would be “dvd”. also like in arabic hebrew letters have numerical values. so in hebrew d=4 v=6 and d=4 totalling 14 for the name david. In arabic there is a similar system. there are 28 letters of the arabic alphabet. the lowest letters value 1-9 then next letters 10-90. Then 100-900 finally one letter at 1000. as said b4 in ch.27 of the qur’an “an-naml” the ta appears 27 times and the sin appears 93 times and 27+93=120. if u view the numerical values of the arabic letters for naml nun(n)=50 ,mim(m)=40, and lam(l)=30 and 50+40+30=120.
 
 
Now for some of the scientific miracles of the Qur'an which revealed in the year 610, when technology didn't exist, no one other than God Himself could have had knowledge of these things that I will mention.
 
Chapter 16 of the Qur'an is An-Nahl or The Honeybee. Scientists have discovered that the honeybee has "16"chromosomes.
The word for "moon" is mentioned 27 times and the word for "new moon" is mention 1 time totaling 28 which is the number of phases of the moon that orbits our planet.
The word "moon" is mentioned is ch.54 verse 1. If u count the remaining verses all the way to the end of the Qur'an there are 1,390 verses. The year 1390 of the Hijra(Islamic)calendar is equal to the year 1969 of the Gregorian calendar which we go by to this day. Of course we know that 1969 was the year that man first set foot on the moon.
 In 23:44 God says "thumMa ARSalnaa rasulanaa tatraa" which translates to "Then We sent our messengers in succession" now this verse doesn't mention anything astronomical in message. But wait look at letters I capitalized in quotation marks. The Arabic letters Mim(M) Alif(A) Ra ( R ) and Sin(S) appear in this order and spell "MARS". The next time these Arabic letters appear in this exact order is verse 23:45 which is exactly "1" verse later and it says "thumMa ARSalnaa moosaa wa akhaahu haaroona" which translates to "Then we sent Moses and his brother Aaron" again u see this has no astronomical message but u see "MARS" again 1 verse later, and guess what? Mars takes exactly "1 day" to rotate around its own axis. But wait gets better. Chapter 46 is Al-Ahqaf which means "Sand dunes" in 46:23 it says "MA uRSil'tu bihi" meaning "what I am sent with". In verse 46:30 it says "unzila min ba'aDi MOoSaa" meaning "revealed after Moses". Now the capital letters here Dal(D)Mim(M)Waw(O)and Sin(S)in order spell "DMOS" the name of one of the moons that orbits Mars is called "Deimos". This is the only chapter these names are both mentioned together and with today's technology, scientists have recently discovered Mars is a planet completely covered with "sand dunes" which just so happens to be the name of this chapter.
In Arabic there is no letter "V" as in English and other languages. So the Arabic letter "W" is used to replace "V". In 8:72 it says "Wa ENUS tansurookum" meaning "And if they seek your help" The letters "WENUS" appear in order and the next verse where they appear again is in 11:3 "Wa ENUStaghfiru rabbakum" meaning "And seek forgiveness of your Lord". In 17:7 it says "Wa ENUSatum" or "If you do evil". It turns out that there are 243 verses between 8:72 and 11:3. Scientists have discovered it takes the planet Venus 243 days to revolve around the sun rotating on its own axis in an opposite direction of other planets. But to go further it rotates on an angle of 177 degrees (17:7).
Chapter 57 is Al-Hadyd or The Iron. If u take the numerical value of the letters without vowels (HA)H=8 (Dal)D=4 (Ya)y=10 (Dal)d=4 they equal 26. If u look at any elemental periodic table the atomic number for iron (Fe) is 26. Now if u add THE ARTICLE “Al” to make it Al-Hadyd or “The Iron” (A)=1 and (L)=30 which equal 31 plus 26 u get 57 which happens to be the number of the chapter in the Qur'an. Also being 114 Ch. in the entire Qur’an, 57 is exactly in the middle. Scientists have discovered that the middle of our Earth, the core consists of molten iron. aLSO WITH THIS CHAPTER IS ANOTHER MATHEMATICAL MIRACLE. THERE ARE 29 VERSES IN THIS CH.57 OF THE qUR’AN. IF U MULTIPLY 57x29 u get the product 1,653, u notice that by adding 1+2+3……all the way to 57, u get the sum 1,653.
 
The number 19 is used thoroughly in the Qur’an. In 74:30 God says this is the number of angels guarding Hell. In 74:31 it is mentioned that this number will give the People of the Book (Jews and Christians) certainty, and also increase faith in the believers Muslims), and those who have diseases in their hearts and disbelieve will just shun it and say “Nothing was meant by that”. This verse comprises of 57 words or 19x3. The words in this chapter, prior to this verse are 95 or 19x5. If u count the letters all the way up to, but not including the word “nineteen” there are 361 letters or 19x19. Did all these 19s coincidently end up near the mention of the word nineteen? I don’t think so. Ch.96 consists of 19 verses and the first 5 verses are the first revealed to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as he meditated in the cave. They are made up of 19 words. If u count the letters in these 5 verses they equal 76 which is 19x4. The entire amount of letters in that chapter are 285 or 19x15. The 72nd Ch. also has 285 words and this Ch. ends saying that God has taken everything into account “numerically”. Some Ch. begin with disjointed letters which only God knows the meaning for. In Ch. 42 and 50 they begin with the Arabic letter “Qaf” which is equivalent to ”Q” in English. The letter Qaf is used in each of these Ch. 57 times each or 19x3. Also with these 2 Ch. (42 and 50) the number of the Ch. added to the number of verses in the Ch. equal 95 or 19x5. As said b4 Jesus (pbuh) and Adam (pbuh) are both mentioned 25 times each. They are said to be like each other for the first time in Ch. 3 which happens the 7th time each name mentioned. They are not mentioned together again until they are mentioned in the same verse in Ch.19 which is the 19th time Adam (pbuh) is mentioned in the Qur’an and the 19th time Jesus (pbuh) is mentioned in the Qur’an. If we count the verses from the first time they’re both mentioned together to the last time they’re both mentioned together, there are 1,957 verses or 19x103. If we count all of the verse numbers in which Jesus (pbuh) is mentioned and add them together u also get 1,957 or 19x103.
God also mentions the creation and stages of the embryo inside a mother's womb. With x-rays and today's technology, it shows that every stage mentioned in the Qur'an is precise to the "T".
So how do all of these miracles, first off come from a man, especially living in that time period with no microscopes, satellites, telescopes, computers etc.? These that I have shared with u are nowhere near the total amount of miracles of the entire Qur'an, and are also too many in number to just be "coincidences". These are only a few of the ones that we have blessed by God Almighty to understand and tell others about. So when God challenges mankind to come up with, not a book but just a single chapter, that does not only rhyme and give a religious message but also every letter in it will be preserved for all time, and hold some value to being part of an entire miracle, it is to put man in his appropriate place and make him recognize and understand that the best knowledge is with God alone and no creature of God can ever design such a marvel, never could and never will, and God knows this and that is why He put forward challenge. It can never be accomplished. For God alone is Most High, Supreme in Glory.

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[Losty]

Can't believe it's been almost a whole year since anyone said anything funny. Yeesh.

[Edwardo Piet]

It's been... Since about when I returned to AF

#turtleisabuzzkill

[ignoramus]

Remember ladies.

[Jackalope]

Someone didn't read #1 in the OP.

[Losty]

Someone didn't read #1 in the OP.  

Are you saying since everyone is my sock that I can't make any nominations?

[Excited Penguin]

Speaking professionally for a moment due to my job as a web developer:


OH SWEET TITTYWANKING CHRIST KILL IT BURN IT MELT THE ASHES WITH ACID HURRY BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS AND CONSUMES ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD HOLY FLAMING BALLS OF SHIT MY EYES ARGHYARGHBLARGHew^&£"%$^HGFHRY7645W5U35HI65UYRTRTFTRHY6JIUHYGBRHfwehNJMYtKIOIUBHNMJKI87GBFHGFUKT7U6UYHJYFUKGHIY86eh)(*&^%$£"£$%^&&&$GE£$^**********



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