Explaining death to children.

[Intimae_Hasta]

I have just read an article in my local paper regarding a young father who kept himself ultra fit, but died following a visit to the gym. In the article, it goes on to explain how the mother found it very difficult to tell her children. Up to now, we have a very sad, tragic event that has devastated a family. I have empathy in bucket loads for them, but when it goes on to say that she told the children "Daddy has gone to Heaven to live with the angels", I have a problem. This is just an example story, but every similar one you read involves patronising children and comforting them with fairy tales so they grow up with a warped view of what I call the cycle of life. I honestly believe we should be bringing up children to know about birth, life and death. The sudden loss of a 31 year old father, hitherto fit and healthy, is going to generate far more questions than answers when it is considered from the god, heaven and angels point of view. When these kids ask, "why my daddy?" no doubt the answer will be "god has his reasons". Yeah, right.

[Wyrd of Gawd]

If you want to live a long time don't try to be trim and fit. Work on being frail and decrepit.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

I have just read an article in my local paper regarding a young father who kept himself ultra fit, but died following a visit to the gym. In the article, it goes on to explain how the mother found it very difficult to tell her children. Up to now, we have a very sad, tragic event that has devastated a family. I have empathy in bucket loads for them, but when it goes on to say that she told the children "Daddy has gone to Heaven to live with the angels", I have a problem. This is just an example story, but every similar one you read involves patronising children and comforting them with fairy tales so they grow up with a warped view of what I call the cycle of life. I honestly believe we should be bringing up children to know about birth, life and death. The sudden loss of a 31 year old father, hitherto fit and healthy, is going to generate far more questions than answers when it is considered from the god, heaven and angels point of view. When these kids ask, "why my daddy?" no doubt the answer will be "god has his reasons". Yeah, right.

I agree, but you're really just bitching, here. How would YOU explain the death of a parent to a very young child? It's all very well to say that the 'gone to live with the angels' answer is comforting, patronizing, damaging nonsense (and I agree that that it is), but what's your alternative?

Boru

[vodkafan]

Yes I guess I was guilty of that without even thinking about it. When Oscar the hamster died when the kids were young I buried him in the garden and told them he had gone to hamster heaven.
When I was in a supermarket queue once with my eldest son back when he was only about 6 or 7 the old man in front of us suddenly collapsed and popped his clogs right there on the floor. There was nothing anybody could do. My lad seemed to handle that OK.

[Nine]

I agree, but you're really just bitching, here. How would YOU explain the death of a parent to a very young child? It's all very well to say that the 'gone to live with the angels' answer is comforting, patronizing, damaging nonsense (and I agree that that it is), but what's your alternative?

Boru

Buy a goldfish, wait for it to go belly up, then hold a funeral in the garden. It's not really surprising that people suck at dealing with death when our tactic is to hide the dead away from sight. I think the best way of going about it is for them to see dead things and understand that the physical person isn't gone, just their consciousness.

[ManMachine]

I have just read an article in my local paper regarding a young father who kept himself ultra fit, but died following a visit to the gym. In the article, it goes on to explain how the mother found it very difficult to tell her children. Up to now, we have a very sad, tragic event that has devastated a family. I have empathy in bucket loads for them, but when it goes on to say that she told the children "Daddy has gone to Heaven to live with the angels", I have a problem. This is just an example story, but every similar one you read involves patronising children and comforting them with fairy tales so they grow up with a warped view of what I call the cycle of life. I honestly believe we should be bringing up children to know about birth, life and death. The sudden loss of a 31 year old father, hitherto fit and healthy, is going to generate far more questions than answers when it is considered from the god, heaven and angels point of view. When these kids ask, "why my daddy?" no doubt the answer will be "god has his reasons". Yeah, right.

The reality is that even stories about god and angels is not going to stop the children feeling the loss, it might take a little off the edges but death is a fundamental fact of life we all need to understand because we are all likely to experience the death of a loved one at some stage in our lives.

I would argue we should not shield our children from the reality of death, of course we should take care, prepare them and help them through it. If we shield children from emotional realities there is a risk of problems with the development of their coping mechanisms and perhaps even their emotional intelligence.

MM

[KUSA]

Have them watch all the seasons of the Walking Dead. Then they will understand. You won't have to say a word.

[Intimae_Hasta]

Well of course, I am not suggesting for one moment you say to a child "look, they're dead, shit happens". A gentle explanation of how nothing or no one lives forever, but the memory of our loved ones will live on inside us. That is the type of explanation I would go for. You can tell a child these things without talking down to them or spinning a big fat lie about heaven and angels.

[Napoléon]

You can tell a child these things without talking down to them or spinning a big fat lie about heaven and angels.

What you have to understand is most parents aren't very good at explaining the concept of death to children. Saying "daddy went to live with the angels" is more of a white lie than anything else and I think it is completely understandable that people might say this. Sure, daddy isn't up in the clouds living with some imaginary being but sometimes sensitive topics are dealt with by parents in different ways. I don't have a problem with a parent explaining death in such a way to a young child as it does protect them from the hurt and pain they might otherwise feel. I don't think this is a bad thing, they can learn about the more obvious facts of life as they get older. I'm not saying it's the best thing to say to a child, but I think berating people for dealing with such circumstances in a way that they are only trying to protect the child is a little low IMHO. Not everyone says this shit to indoctrinate their children. When I was a kid I was told Santa brought me presents and left them under the tree at christmas, it was a nice idea and made christmas feel special. Obviously as I grew up I realised it was bullshit. The problem isn't people telling children white lies to make them feel better, or shield them from the harsh realities, the problem is when parents continue with the lies as they reach an age that they can really employ critical thinking and start seeing the world for what it is. That's when it becomes wrong.

[vodkafan]

What you have to understand is most parents aren't very good at explaining the concept of death to children. Saying "daddy went to live with the angels" is more of a white lie than anything else and I think it is completely understandable that people might say this. Sure, daddy isn't up in the clouds living with some imaginary being but sometimes sensitive topics are dealt with by parents in different ways. I don't have a problem with a parent explaining death in such a way to a young child as it does protect them from the hurt and pain they might otherwise feel. I don't think this is a bad thing, they can learn about the more obvious facts of life as they get older. I'm not saying it's the best thing to say to a child, but I think berating people for dealing with such circumstances in a way that they are only trying to protect the child is a little low IMHO. Not everyone says this shit to indoctrinate their children. When I was a kid I was told Santa brought me presents and left them under the tree at christmas, it was a nice idea and made christmas feel special. Obviously as I grew up I realised it was bullshit. The problem isn't people telling children white lies to make them feel better, or shield them from the harsh realities, the problem is when parents continue with the lies as they reach an age that they can really employ critical thinking and start seeing the world for what it is. That's when it becomes wrong.

Well said, sir!