joke time

[The Valkyrie]

An enterprising scientist tried combining human and goat DNA...

..but was kicked out of the petting zoo before he could finish.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Two men are having a chat at their local when the topic gets round to marriage.

‘What I don’t understand is the bit where the vicar says, “If anyone objects to this marriage” and so on. I mean, what’s the point of it? No one ever objects.’

‘Not true. I objected at a wedding once.’

‘You didn’t!’

‘I did indeed. I said that the bridegroom was a drinker and a gambler. I said that he kept company with lewd women, that he had a violent temper, and would be a terrible provider.’

‘Oh my God! What did the groom say?’

‘I just told you.’

Boru

[The Valkyrie]

I discovered two lumps on my car battery.

I've had them tested and there was a positive result.

I hope it's not terminal.

[A. Secular Human]

I discovered two lumps on my car battery.

I've had them tested and there was a positive result.

I hope it's not terminal.

"BADUMP TSCH!"

[Fireball]

I discovered two lumps on my car battery.

I've had them tested and there was a positive result.

I hope it's not terminal.

I got a charge out of this joke.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

Some religions are dangerous. Always practice safe sects.

__________________________________________

If you're trying to buy a boat that will carry a lot of animals, I Noah guy.

Boru

[Darinda]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman waving at him and saying hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

[polymath257]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman waving at him and saying hello. He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???”
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher.”

Amusing followup: she was both.

[The Valkyrie]

If you get an email entitled "knock, knock" DO NOT OPEN IT!

it's from a Jehovah's Witness who is working from home.

[ignoramus]

Just heard on the news that among many people in NSW being fined for not self quarantining, was a prostitute who received an $1000 fine.
She said "that was hard to take"....

Make of it what you will...