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RE: joke time
October 14, 2021 at 5:53 am
Her: Look, we have to meet with the priest. Just pretend to be religious for ten minutes and he'll agree to marry us.
Him: No problem.
*at the chuch*
Priest: Good morning.
Her: Good morning, Father.
Him (pointing at the crucifix on the wall): Whoa, what happened to THAT dude??
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
October 14, 2021 at 3:07 pm
Irish Alzheimers
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn in Hell, right ?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
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RE: joke time
October 15, 2021 at 2:40 pm
How to determine the sex of an ant.
Put it in water.
If it sinks, it's a girl ant.
If it floats...
Playing Cluedo with my mum while I was at Uni:
"You did WHAT? With WHO? WHERE???"
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RE: joke time
October 15, 2021 at 3:34 pm
And if it croaks, it' s the Pink Panther....
Dead ant...
Dead ant...
Dead ant dead ant dead ant..
D d d d dead ant
Dead ant...
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RE: joke time
October 16, 2021 at 8:49 am
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly.
“Well,” she says, responding carefully, “I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.”
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, “Was that one word or two?”
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RE: joke time
October 17, 2021 at 4:43 am
Flight attendant: Would you like some headphones?
Me: Sure, but how did you know my name was 'Phones'?
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
October 18, 2021 at 4:22 am
Today, I saw a car with one of those 'vanity' number plates that read GNDALF.
Needless to say, he didn't let me pass.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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RE: joke time
October 18, 2021 at 12:42 pm
If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.
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RE: joke time
October 18, 2021 at 12:47 pm
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
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RE: joke time
October 18, 2021 at 1:21 pm
(October 18, 2021 at 12:47 pm)vulcanlogician Wrote: An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
It’s funny because it’s true.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
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