joke time

[The Valkyrie]

Last night, at the pub, a woman had her nipple pierced right in front of me.


In other news, I suck at darts...

[Darinda]

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?”

The kid says, “I wish I were rich!”

The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

A man strolling through a park sees a small boy petting a dog. Approaching them, he says, ‘Hello, lad. Does your dog bite?’

‘No, sir,’ says the boy. ‘My dog has never bitten anyone.’

The man leans down to pet the dog, which savagely bites his hand. Wrapping a handkerchief around the bleeding wound, the man exclaims, ‘I thought you said your dog doesn’t bite!’

The boy replies, ‘He doesn’t. This isn’t my dog.’

Boru

[Istvan]

A man collapses on a sidewalk clutching his chest.

A bystander yells, "Is anyone here a doctor?"

An atheist responds, "I'm an atheist!"

[A. Secular Human]

A man goes into a bar, only to find a foot-tall man playing a tiny piano. He marvels at the little man, and asks the bartender about him. The bartender replies "The genie in the bottle must have been hard of hearing."

[Darinda]

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.
The defendant replies, “It was easier than having to shoot a different man every day!”

[Darinda]

A kid was crying sitting outside his house. A passer by asked: Why are you crying?

Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house.

Passer By: Who is your dad?

Kid: That is what the fight is about.

[The Valkyrie]

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You can hang the picture with one nail.

[Darinda]

A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”

[Darinda]

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there,” answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.”

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”