joke time

[ignoramus]

[ignoramus]

True story.
I gotta tells you guys this one.
On Sunday we took our 87 year old mother in law shopping for a couple of hours.
On the way my gps is saying "the speed limit is 80 km/h, slow down" (I was doing like 84km/h)

When we park the car in the shopping centre and are walking to the door, Mother in law asks, doesn't it bother you that you were speeding?
I said "what for?" I wasn't going much over and it was only briefly anyway...
She replied: I meant, that she might dob you in?

(Pam and I looked at each other with that special look!)

[Cyberman]

Aw, bless! Reminds me of the time, some years ago, when I was helping my maternal gran with the shopping. As we went down the tea and coffee aisle, I pointed out my favourite ones - you know, Darjeeling, Assam, Earl Grey etc. She nodded and said, "Oh, that's that foreign tea, isn't it?"

[Rhondazvous]

Iggy, you remind me of this one:

An old woman was arrested for stealing a can of peaches. Her husband goes with her to court.
Judge: Why did you steal the peaches?
Woman: Because I was hungry.
Judge: How many peaches were in the can?
Woman: 8.
Judge: Then I sentence you to 8 days in jail.
Husband: Your honor, can I say something.
Judge: What is it?
Husband: She also stole a can of peas.

[The Valkyrie]

One morning a nun rolls out of bed and makes her way to the bathroom.

Partway there she encounters another nun who smiles and says, "someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!"

The first nun wonders about this but keeps on walking.


Not much further along another nun smiles at her and says, "Someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning!"


The first nun continues walking, now a little annoyed by the whole thing.


To make it worse she runs into another dozen nuns who all say the same thing.

Thoroughly pissed off now, she runs into the mother superior coming out of the bathroom. Her superior smiles and starts to speak, but the nun interrupts her and says, "If you tell me I got out of bed on the wrong side this morning, I'm going to scream!"

The mother superior laughs and says, "I wasn't. I was merely going to ask you why you're wearing the bishop's shoes?"

[Rhondazvous]

The pope and Bill Clinton died on the same day. But the celestial computers were down so there was a mix up. The pope went to hell and Clinton to heaven. The pope went straight to the devil to find out what was what. The devil looked up his records and found that there had indeed been a mix up.
Devil: But it will take 24 hours before we can straighten things out and release you. We’re using Windows not Unix, you see.
The next day the pope was released from hell and Clinton from heaven. They passed one another on their way to their respective destinations.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Boy, I can’t wait to get to heaven. All my life I’ve wanted to meet the Virgin.
Clinton: You’re a day latte.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

What do you call a sleep walking nun?

---

A roamin' Catholic.

---

Boru

[Cyberman]

See? They don't all have to be about sex and racism.

[Rhondazvous]

No they don’t.

So there were these two drunks in a bar on top of a sky scraper. They were both trying to get one up, bragging about what they could do.
First drunk: You’re nothing, you know that, nothing. I can do anything you can do.
The bartender shook his head.
Second drunk: Oh yea? Well I can jump out this window and by the time I reach the 7th floor the wind will pick me up and put me back in the window. Bet you can’t do that.
First drunk: Sure I can. But I bet you can’t.
So the second drunk jumped out the window and sure enough, when he reached the 7th floor, the wind picked him up and put him in the window. He caught the elevator back up to the bar.
Second drunk: Let’s see you do that.
The bartender shook his head frantically. But the first drunk staggered to the window and jumped. He reached the 7th floor, the 6th floor, the 4th floor… He hit the ground with a splat. Back in the bar, the bartender continued shaking his head.
Bartender: You know you’re a real fuckhead when you’re drunk, Superman.

[IATIA]

Three nuns walking down the street.

The first nun says, "Did you see that condom on father's desk?".

The second nun says, "Yeah. And I poked a bunch of holes in it.".

The third nun fainted.