joke time

[Ravenshire]

A guy walks up to the bar, gets the bartender's attention and says "I'll bet you $50 I can stand up here on the end of the bar and piss in a shot class at the other end without spilling a drop."

The bartender, thinking this would be an easy $50 took him up on it.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood at the end, took careful aim and pissed all over the bar.

Good naturedly, he paid the bartender his $50 and returned to his table.

After sitting down, he turned to his friend and said "Pay up that $100. I told you I could piss all over the bar without getting thrown out."

[Rhondazvous]

Warning:
Never leave me alone with a box of cereal because

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I'm a cereal killer

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[Cyberman]

What did the cornflake say to the spoon?

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I'll tell you tomorrow - it's a cereal.

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[Rhondazvous]

What did the cornflake say to the spoon?

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I'll tell you tomorrow - it's a cereal.

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Stay tuned.

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

How does Reese eat her cereal?

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Witherspoon.

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Boru

[Rhondazvous]

Where was the very first chicken fried?

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In Greece

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[ignoramus]

[BrianSoddingBoru4]

The Ballad Of William Bloat by Raymond Calvert

In a rude abode on the Shankhill Road
Lived a man called William Bloat.
He had a wife, the bane of his life,
Who always got his goat.
'Til one day at dawn, with her nightdress on,
He slit her bloody throat.

With a razor's gash, he settled her hash -
Never was crime so quick.
But the steady drip on the pillow slip
Of her life's blood made him sick.
And the pool of gore on the bedroom floor
Grew clotted.  And cold.  And thick.

Still, he was glad he'd done what he had,
As she lay there stiff and still.
'Til suddenly awe of the angry Law
Filled his soul with an awful chill.
So, to finish the fun (so well begun),
He decided himself to kill.

He took the sheet from his wife's cold feet,
And he twisted it into a rope.
And he hanged himself from the pantry shelf -
'Twas an easy end (let's hope).
In the face of death, with his dying breath,
He solemnly cursed the Pope.

But the strangest turn of this whole concern
Is only just beginnin'.
For he went to Hell, but his wife got well,
And she's STILL alive an sinnin'.
For that razor blade was British-made,
But the rope was Irish linen.

*****

Boru

[Rhondazvous]

:
And hey, this lady cut her finger on a razor blade trying to make split pea soup.

[Rhondazvous]

A man was going to get married. His fiance asked him to come to her house to pick up something. But when he got there, his fiance wasn’t here. Instead, he found her sister, obviously waiting for him. My girl was dressed to thrill, in a hot pink spandex micro mine and mid-riff halter.
Sister: Hey, Bo. I’ve always thought you’re a hot number. Too bad my sis got you first. But she hasn’t got you yet. How about one last fling before you tie the knot? I’ll be right upstairs. If you want it, you’ll just have to come and get it.

Then she climbed the stairs—slowly so he wouldn’t miss anything. The man was flabbergasted. He couldn’t believe his future sister-in-law was coming on to him like this. He knew what to do. He pivoted on his heels and made a bee line straight to his car.

When he got outside, the whole family was lined up on the sidewalk, clapping and nodding their heads in approval. The father came up to the man and clasped his shoulders.

Father. Congratulations! You’ve passed our little marriage test. You’re exactly the kind of man we want to marry our daughter. Welcome to the family, son.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car.