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The premise of this is simple: Take an established religion and warp, twist, or distort it in whatever way you see fit to make it even more bizarre, monstrous, or unbelievable (most don't need much help). The greatest thing is that your version will probably be just as plausible as the purported truth of whichever religion you choose!
I'll go first.
The Christian god is real. All of what is claimed and spoken of in the Bible is real. However, what we don't know is that god was created by a sort of Super God for reasons beyond our lowly comprehension. This Super God reigned absolute over him and other brother gods of his creation. Eventually, one of Yahweh's brothers hatched a plot to overthrow the tyranny of this terrible being. Though killing this being was impossible, they surmised that his vast power could be sealed for eons. The brothers of Yahweh were successful in sealing the father away, but it came at a great cost: most of Yahweh's brethren were massacred in the rebellion. The remaining brothers fled across time and dimension, knowing that in time the seal would weaken and the Super God would escape.
God, as we know him through Christianity, grew lonely in the vastness of the new dimension he took as refuge and created humanity. Now, he anxiously awaits the day when his lord father breaks the seal and seeks him out. When the father returns, obliteration awaits him and the beings he created to relieve his intense isolation and pointlessness.
Ridiculous? Yes. Fun? Absolutely!
"We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid." ~ Benjamin Franklin
January 1, 2015 at 2:15 pm (This post was last modified: January 1, 2015 at 2:16 pm by vorlon13.)
Latter Day Saints could go through and revise and update all the revelations their founder, Joseph Smith revealed as being perfectly received and transmitted to the world in their original form !!
Joseph Smith could start practicing polygamy BEFORE the angel appeared to him and threatened to hack him into bits if he didn't START practicing polygamy at that moment !!
Brigham Young could declare not only was Jesus Christ married, but he was married to THREE different women at the same time !!
Actual witnesses to the gold plates and Joseph Smith's revelations could be EXCOMMUNICATED from the church for heresy !!
Joseph Smith could get some old Egyptian paganistic funerary papyrus, and using the SAME translating stones and techniques he used on the Book of Mormon, translate a gospel he claims was written by the Old Testament prophet Abraham, HIMSELF !!
Joseph Smith and Brigham Young could pronounce the most hideous racist crap possible, record it perfectly and inerrantly in the Book of Mormon, The Pearl of Great Price, and Doctrines and Covenants, and then 100 years later, when the church needs some more members (and $$$), by executive fiat, they could negate all the racist bullshit with a statement not much more detailed than 'nevermind' !! And they could also claim that directive was a direct revelation from God, too, but never release the exact wording of the revelation !!
Joseph Smith could rewrite the Bible, announce he did so at the DIRECT behest of God, do so perfectly in the eyes of God, and ORDER his church to publish his Bible, which he also notes will conform EXACTLY to any older authentic texts that might yet be found in the mideast, and all these points will be transmitted perfectly and inerrantly from God to his church as directed in a published revelation (which is also noted to be perfectly received by the church), and then that revelation will be revised at least twice, the revised Bible will not conform in any particular way with the Dead Sea Scrolls to be found a century later, and the church even 150 years later, WILL STILL NOT HAVE PUBLISHED THE REVISED BIBLE !!!
Huh ??
What the fuck ??
THE FUCKING MORMONS DID ALL THAT SHIT ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
January 1, 2015 at 2:24 pm (This post was last modified: January 1, 2015 at 2:25 pm by Chad32.)
In christianity, Yahweh and Satan are real. Except Satan was the one originally in charge, and Yahweh was the evil one who took over. Now his followers think he is good, despite the evils he does, and Satan was painted as evil. Satan tries to help the world, but the followers of the Abrahamic Usurper have caused so much evil that it's really hard to do anything substantial. Yahweh successfully painted himself as the good guy, despite doing many blatantly evil things. Satan was painted as the bad guy, despite the world actually getting better when we pull farther away from religious fanaticism.
Poe's Law: "Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing."
A group of microscopic aliens invade earth and discover human brains are the perfect hosts for their people. The problem is that once humans know that the aliens are in their brains, the aliens automatically die. To keep humans from asking too many questions, the aliens invent religion. Further, because the parasites are clannish, they sometimes try to convince their human hosts to kill the hosts of other clans. Religions are evangelical because the aliens are so comfortable know that they breed frequently and their babies need more brains to populate.
The worst thing that can happen---if you are a microscopic alien--is for your host to begin to doubt. Doubting humans alter their brain chemistry and make life impossible for their alien guests so the aliens had to invent all sorts of little mental firewalls to prevent humans from asking too many questions. The concept of free will to explain how a god can be pure love and allow evil is an example of one of their mental fire walls. An alien named Zorp invented that and has an alien holiday every week. He is the real reason Christians changed the day of rest from Saturday to Sunday.
Quote: Saying unto them, Go into the village over against you, and straightway ye shall find an ass tied, and a colt with her: loose them, and bring them unto me.
This calls the whole premise of the New Testament in question. Now what can we learn from this?
First, Jesus liked it anal. We can savely assume that from reading the passage as every bible scholar will agree. But the more important point seems to be, that there's a colt involved too. Some may think, that Jesus wanted to use that colt to force the ass into doing his bidding. The more reasonable thought would be, and I daresay rural America got the message right away, Jesus was a freedom fighter, willing to defend his message at the point of a gun.
So, we can conclude, he didn't die for our sins at all. He died for our freedom to have anal intercourse and of course the right to bear arms. The oppressive government took the colt away from Jesus and submitted him to the most brutal torture. But he rose again, bearing the promise of not only bringing the colt again at his second coming, but an AK47 and a rocket launcher and angelic asses will blow a chorus of joy.
Verilux the Great OverGod created the universe and the Lesser Gods from a particularly wet and fruity belch.
Things went well for a multitude of Ages, until Spumoni, the goddess of That Crusty Stuff That Forms In The Corners Of Your Mouth fell in love with Ankleiron, the god of Wobbly Chairs.
Ankleiron, however, spurned the advances of Spumoni, he being enamoured of Chantressa, goddess of Daydreaming About Dinosaurs When You Should Be Working. Spumoni was enraged and vowed to make Ankleiron her own.
To this end, she appeared before him in the form of a terrifying refrigerator, 'Are there no facilities here?' she demanded. 'Are there no clean washrooms?' Horrified at the implications, Ankleiron sought help from Badgicus, god of Dairy That Is Past Its Sell-By Date But You Eat Anyway Because You Don't Really Care Anymore, who advised him to drop Chantressa like a live grenade and submit to Spumoni. However, Chantressa got wind of the plot and with the aid of Menthol, god of Short-Term Loans, turned Spumoni into a river and wedded Ankleiron. They moved west and opened a sandal-and-bead shop.
Even today, the river can be heard to softly cry, 'Thanks a heap guys. One day I'm a goddess, and the next day I'm a river. You stink.' And the wind answers, 'Phooey.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
(January 1, 2015 at 5:11 pm)BrianSoddingBoru4 Wrote: All Polytheistic Religions Ever
Verilux the Great OverGod created the universe and the Lesser Gods from a particularly wet and fruity belch.
Things went well for a multitude of Ages, until Spumoni, the goddess of That Crusty Stuff That Forms In The Corners Of Your Mouth fell in love with Ankleiron, the god of Wobbly Chairs.
Ankleiron, however, spurned the advances of Spumoni, he being enamoured of Chantressa, goddess of Daydreaming About Dinosaurs When You Should Be Working. Spumoni was enraged and vowed to make Ankleiron her own.
To this end, she appeared before him in the form of a terrifying refrigerator, 'Are there no facilities here?' she demanded. 'Are there no clean washrooms?' Horrified at the implications, Ankleiron sought help from Badgicus, god of Dairy That Is Past Its Sell-By Date But You Eat Anyway Because You Don't Really Care Anymore, who advised him to drop Chantressa like a live grenade and submit to Spumoni. However, Chantressa got wind of the plot and with the aid of Menthol, god of Short-Term Loans, turned Spumoni into a river and wedded Ankleiron. They moved west and opened a sandal-and-bead shop.
Even today, the river can be heard to softly cry, 'Thanks a heap guys. One day I'm a goddess, and the next day I'm a river. You stink.' And the wind answers,
'Phooey.'
Boru
That was awesome.
I can't compete.
But flesh it out to 40 pages and we can get a movie deal started.
So how, exactly, does God know that She's NOT a brain in a vat?
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