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Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 6:52 am
(This post was last modified: February 19, 2015 at 6:57 am by Jacob(smooth).)
At last, someone has come out with the definitive list! This is when practiced by Christian couples but presumably it applies to everyone. This was a direct revelation from God apparently
http://youtu.be/EWGQwd2gOxs
Best sermon EVAR!!
Quote:The lord told me, he said, “look, when I asked my children to get married… on their matrimonial bed, they commit a lot of immorality.” He said I should tell them that they are not going to heaven. There is an everlasting covenant. Those who break that everlasting covenant are not going to make it into heaven.
And he got a vision of hell...
Quote: “So then I saw a big bench… And I saw demons, creatures of darkness, they take pleasure in cutting human flesh… they will start with the most painful parts…” And as if that’s not bad enough, “when they finish cutting it, the soul would come back together again. They would start all over again.”
So, to spare y'all having your painful parts... Here's what you mustn't do.
Quote: Number one. Couples who practice the woman on top… I want to repeat this, because this is the warning he gave me….When you are with your wife, the lord has made man to be the head. Not the woman. So those men who enjoy their wife coming on top of them in the matrimonial bed, the lord says they are not coming to heaven at all...
No women on top
Quote: Number two. The lord told me about those who practice like a dog. The lord did not to create you to behave like a dog on your matrimonial bed. Or like a cow. Or like a chicken.”
No doggy style
Quote:If you are practicing hanging with your wife [bondage], you are inventing different styles… Don’t go and be hanging your wife. Don’t go and be hanging your husband. Do not try different styles: they do sex in different styles that are contrary to god.”
No suspension bondage. Pretty specific.
Quote:Those who masturbate. That department [of hell] is for them. Those who give lustful pleasure to the flesh. Women who masturbate. Men who masturbate… The demons will come to them.” And while the masturbator “soul will cry,” the demons “will be laughing. And they will be happy.”
And no fapping.
So now you know 
Ummm, I'm embarrassed to ask...
What is "chicken style"? I've not heard of that one. I wouldn't want to do it by accident.
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken."
Sith code
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 6:58 am
What about Australians? Do they have to flip the instructions?
The fool hath said in his heart, There is a God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.
Psalm 14, KJV revised edition
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:00 am
(This post was last modified: February 19, 2015 at 7:01 am by Jacob(smooth).)
(February 19, 2015 at 6:58 am)Alex K Wrote: What about Australians? Do they have to flip the instructions?
 oh noes!! I don't know that either!!
This is the best laugh I've had in ages!
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken."
Sith code
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:10 am
Wait... what about all the things that have happened prior to this revelation? Are they okay, or retroactively punished?
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:12 am
(This post was last modified: February 19, 2015 at 7:16 am by Jacob(smooth).)
(February 19, 2015 at 7:10 am)robvalue Wrote: Wait... what about all the things that have happened prior to this revelation? Are they okay, or retroactively punished?
I presume if you repent you're golden.
Just been googling chicken style sex. No definitive answer, but my targeted advertising on Google is gonna be seriously weird!
.
Found "cow style"
![[Image: cow-jumped-over-the-woman.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=www.anorak.co.uk%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2Fcow-jumped-over-the-woman.jpg)
Mmmmkay girls? Don't be doing that Mmmmkay? Or you'll be going to Hell. Mmmmkay?
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken."
Sith code
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:28 am
(This post was last modified: February 19, 2015 at 7:28 am by Natachan.)
While the girl on top one can be a warning against penile fracture I'm kinda disappointed. Is there anyone who doesn't do at least three of those?
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:33 am
So God is a missionary only man.
And they still think he is worthy of worship?
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:41 am
(This post was last modified: February 19, 2015 at 7:44 am by Jacob(smooth).)
Damn! There's more!
http://youtu.be/_rtXry95U24
At 4:10, is he saying "creepy teens"?
Does he mean goths? ![[Image: goth-punks-600x600.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=worldwidegreeneyes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F02%2Fgoth-punks-600x600.jpg)
Also, he included Goat style sex. Another one I've been missing out on! Anyone know what Goat style is?
"Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion, I gain strength.
Through strength, I gain power.
Through power, I gain victory.
Through victory, my chains are broken."
Sith code
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:46 am
(This post was last modified: February 19, 2015 at 7:54 am by Homeless Nutter.)
Repressed closeted homosexual, with daddy issues, trying to marginalize the importance of sex and justify his disgust with heterosexuality, into which he's forced by social pressure and his beliefs - against his instincts. Yup, that's clergy for you, all right...
(February 19, 2015 at 7:41 am)Jacob(smooth) Wrote: [...]
Also, he included Goat style sex. Another one I've been missing out on! Anyone know what Goat style is?
![[Image: file.php?40,file=170283,filename=Ibadah.jpg]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=www.fairfaxunderground.com%2Fforum%2Ffile.php%3F40%2Cfile%3D170283%2Cfilename%3DIbadah.jpg)
Those randy, decadent Muslims...
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." - George Bernard Shaw
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RE: Finally! The definitive list of sexual positions which will sentence you to Hell!
February 19, 2015 at 7:48 am
Yeah. I'm surprised he was so honest on his profile.
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