Trying to Decide Something

[Tonus]

Yeah... I'm sane enough to think that way. I keep trying to put time limits on myself- like: just wait a week before trying to contact him in another way; I'm just so ridiculously manic right now. I'm trying not to be nuts; I swear.

That might also be procrastination driven by fear. Each of us is different, but for me the biggest regret would be not taking that step and not getting some kind of closure. Things won't always end well, but they may never end at all if we don't give it a shot. The phrase "the only real failure is the failure to try" may seem hokey, but I've lived life both ways and I'd never go back to the timid approach.

Find him, get in touch with him. Be determined to live and enjoy life no matter how it turns out. You can do it, Becca.

[rexbeccarox]

For my own sanity I had to make the decision to make a clean break. I sent her one final message letting her know that I was giving up trying, and I tried to move on. It was hard, but eventually I got my sanity back.

I had to do that recently with someone else. It sucked, but it felt good once I moved on from it. I'm sorry you had to go through that, Rob.

I wonder, are you chasing a ghost? When we remember the past, we always have a very skewed perspective, and can make ourselves believe it was something entirely different to what it was. Of course you have strong feelings and you had good times with him, I'm not trying to deny that of course. But I'm wondering if your expectations of what would happen if you got in contact are likely to fall short of what would actually happen, and would lead to more heartache. So many times I've tried to return to things in my past in some way, to relive them, and almost every time they are nothing like what I remember, and they even go so far as to destroy the nice memories I had of them. Maybe, as your memories are precious to you at the moment, they should be preserved as they are?

I've thought of the chasing a ghost thing; I've even tried to convince myself of it, but I was keeping pretty complete journals at the time. I see the path I went down very clearly now, and the only ghost was me.

I hope something in there was useful, and that you can decide what is best for you.

Thank you, Rob. It was very useful

---

I've always attempted to live in a "no regrets" way, but I realize I have every regret right now.

I have mixed feelings about a "no regrets" philosophy about life. On the one hand it can lead to a lot of fun and interesting experiences you might not otherwise have had in life. On the other hand, it can blind you to your own motivations and give you an excuse to do things that could become harmful or damaging to yourself of someone else.

I don't know that there's a solution to this, other than to strive to live a "no regrets" life, but to remember that when your "no regrets" decisions significantly involve another person that a self-examination should be done to assess your own (and their) motives as a way of protecting both parties.

I've definitely thought of what my motives are and whether I can hurt Dale in this process. That is absolutely the last thing I want to do. That's why it's hard for me to try to contact a family member. I just don't want to make Dale's life worse; only better.

For myself, I know that I've used the "I don't want to have regrets about passing this opportunity up" as a means of forging ahead into a relationship without examining my own motives for pursuing it. In the end I did walked away with regrets, they were just a different set of regrets than I imagined I would have going in.

Having said this, this kind of comes back to Dys's allusion to examining your motives. Just as you should think about your own motives for wanting to reconnect, I think you should also spend some time examining just where your regrets are coming from. Do you regret how things ended between you? Or the fact that you engaged in the relationship in the first place? Do you regret how you treated each other? Is your desire to reconnect somehow related to your feelings of regret?

Excellent questions to ask myself. Thank you. I'm pretty sure my regrets come from the damage I did to myself and to him. They also come from what *could have been* if I hadn't been so out of sorts and stupid. I regret ending it, especially in the way I did. I regret fucking up, I regret hurting him, and I regret not finishing what I started, the way I approach just about everything in life. My desire to reconnect, in part, definitely has to do with regret, but I also have a strong desire to know him again.

Yeah... I'm sane enough to think that way. I keep trying to put time limits on myself- like: just wait a week before trying to contact him in another way; I'm just so ridiculously manic right now. I'm trying not to be nuts; I swear.

I'm doing this with a particularly aggravating penpal. She is terrible about writing me back, and when she does she espouses her desire to keep writing but then goes months without contacting me about anything. I'll fb message her and I get a "seen" time stamp, but she never writes back, not even "hi." So I mark my calendar with the days I've emailed her and then project 6 to 8 weeks into the future before I email her again to check in.

Yes, it's extremely annoying, but it also means that I only get really obsessive/mad about her lack of communication every month and a half or so. (It's been one month yesterday since the last time I emailed her which was 8 weeks after the last time I heard from her - and that was only because it was my birthday. Before that it had been months. No, I'm not obsessing about this at all :p)

Oh man... that's a bitch!

---

I echo CM's sentiments.

I have a sort of diametric sentiment about the "no regrets" thing.

On one hand, I fully support trying to make a connection with Dale. I think that as long as you are doing it in a respectful way, there is nothing wrong with trying to make a connection with another human being.

On the other hand, if you have reached out to him in a way in which you are sure he received your message, you have to be okay with the fact that you tried and he may not want to respond. Or maybe he just isn't in a place right now where he wants to respond. Maybe a year from now he'll look at an email or a letter that you sent him and decide that he actually does want to respond and you'll get a letter from him. Maybe.

I'm pretty sure he isn't even aware I'm looking for him as of this moment. The email address I used is the one he used when we met in '02 and it doesn't look like he's at all active on google+, so I don't think he's seen anything I've sent him. I'm pretty sure he'd let me know either way- we used to have a thing when we didn't want to talk about something: "please fuck off!" I can't see him failing to espouse it in this situation if he didn't want anything to do with me.

I think it all comes down to a self-examination of your motives, as others have said. It also comes down to empathy. Think about his feelings as well. (Now, if I were him, and got several messages but didn't want to start a dialogue, I would send at least a brief response stating that.)

All in all, I think you need to at least try to get a response from someone, if only to ease your mind. Even if it's the brother telling you to sod off, I think a response of any kind is better than silence.

Thanks Steel.

---

Yeah... I'm sane enough to think that way. I keep trying to put time limits on myself- like: just wait a week before trying to contact him in another way; I'm just so ridiculously manic right now. I'm trying not to be nuts; I swear.

That might also be procrastination driven by fear. Each of us is different, but for me the biggest regret would be not taking that step and not getting some kind of closure. Things won't always end well, but they may never end at all if we don't give it a shot. The phrase "the only real failure is the failure to try" may seem hokey, but I've lived life both ways and I'd never go back to the timid approach.

Find him, get in touch with him. Be determined to live and enjoy life no matter how it turns out. You can do it, Becca.

Alright. I'm going to try to get in touch with a couple more people, and if nothing happens, I'm flying to Oz. I have to. We only get one life, right? I'm not gonna fuck this one up any more!

I have to thank you all for your amazing support. This is the biggest emotional rollercoaster I've been on in a long time. It's really nice to know there are people out there who care.

[Clueless Morgan]

I've definitely thought of what my motives are and whether I can hurt Dale in this process. That is absolutely the last thing I want to do. That's why it's hard for me to try to contact a family member. I just don't want to make Dale's life worse; only better.

If one of the considerations holding you back is that you don't want to hurt Dale or open old wounds, contacting a family member might be a very good route to take. Depending on who the person is and how close that are to Dale, they could be a great way to gauge his openness to reconnecting rather than just getting a direct line to Dale himself and sending him this out of the blue message straight from you. It would save Dale some heartache if he decides that he doesn't want to pursue a rekindled friendship in that he doesn't have to put you down "to your face" as it were.

Of course, this depends on who you are able to get in contact with and how this person handles the situation. They might simply give you Dale's email address or something.

[rexbeccarox]

I've definitely thought of what my motives are and whether I can hurt Dale in this process. That is absolutely the last thing I want to do. That's why it's hard for me to try to contact a family member. I just don't want to make Dale's life worse; only better.

If one of the considerations holding you back is that you don't want to hurt Dale or open old wounds, contacting a family member might be a very good route to take. Depending on who the person is and how close that are to Dale, they could be a great way to gauge his openness to reconnecting rather than just getting a direct line to Dale himself and sending him this out of the blue message straight from you. It would save Dale some heartache if he decides that he doesn't want to pursue a rekindled friendship in that he doesn't have to put you down "to your face" as it were.

Of course, this depends on who you are able to get in contact with and how this person handles the situation. They might simply give you Dale's email address or something.

That's a very good point. His mom has a Facebook account, and I know she would be the best family member to go through. As we're not friends, though, I have no idea how active she is.

Does anyone know what happens to PMs on Facebook if you're not friends with the person you're PMing?

[robvalue]

You're welcome Becca Sounds like you're giving this a lot of thought, and I'm sure you'll find the right course of action.

Thank you, it was one if the weirdest things that ever happened to me. Never to this day found out what it was all about.

[rexbeccarox]

That is very strange, Rob. I'm reminded daily of how weird humans are.

[rexbeccarox]

I think something happened...

I sent Dale a message through google+ hangouts. I don't think he's seen the message, but I just got a notification that he added me to his circle. I'm not a big google+ user. Can anyone explain what that means? Is it an automatic thing, or did he have to add me? And if he added me, that's good, right? But how do I know if he's seen my message? And if he added me, why isn't he responding?

This whole thing is making me completely insane.

[Drich]

He had to add you, if he is not answering then Your probably a plan "b" or possibly a future project/option he may want to explore later. If he is everything thing you say he was to you, I'm sure some Joey finds the same qualities appealing. Meaning he's probably with someone at the moment (plan a) and wants to ride that train a little further down the track.

You're probably wanting to revisit your relationship because you are ready to settle down, (you mentioned your age and that you never married) and some times it is much easier for us to move backwards than it is to move forwards. Why? Because forwards there are a lot of unknown and un knowables to contend with. These variables are not good 'nest making material.'

However when we pine over the one that got away, we can bend our memories to fit whatever need we think we have at the movement. This type of idealization leads to compromise and eventually heart break, because it prevents you from seeing what is in front of your face... Piners tend to ignore who people are, for who they have made them out to be and will even go so far as to wait on the person they have created all the while putting up with crap from someone like this guy, that they never would with anyone else.

i have been the one who has gotten away, and had one like your Aussie buddy get away. And spoke with both of them 15 years or so later... To borrow a line from Garth Brooks: "Some times I thank God for unanswered prayers." I was a completely different person when I went out with both of those other women 15 or so years ago. One girl we had one of those if we are not married by 35 pacts. We dated each other and loved each other for about two weeks, and fought like cats and dogs. Then we would go off with someone else the when we broke up with our other dates or even while one was dating someone else's we would get back together and wonder why we ever broke up to begin with.. Then about two weeks later we never wanted to see each other again.. This went on for years... If I married her I would have an episode of dateline done on us, and I'd be in jail.

The point? People change. Find someone suitable for you now, not who you were 15 years ago.

Voltron seem.... Ummseems .... Entertaining. And not Internet murdery. That's a start. Plus he uses the animal emoti's which speaks volumes to a non Internet murdery personality... (But if you do get murdered by him I had nothing to do with it..) that said he does seem a little creepy/stalkie. Maybe you should just wait for your Aussie and give it three weeks before you get married.

Good luck ca-rox

[Lemonvariable72]

Before I get into my opinion on this I'm going out line a few assumptions that factor into what I'm thinking.
1. That this man is reasonably good looking and that he is very intelligent.
2. that the sex in Europe was amazing.
Now the reason I outline those assumptions is because those are the things that stick with us even when we forget other things. Our brains choose to remember the good things over the bad, and 14 years is a long time to remember. So you may want to consider that you may romantizing your memories without being really aware of it. So really dig down and think what feeling this may cause to relive and weither you want those feelings or not. I also know that relationships between people with mental health issues can be explosive and intense affairs, so be prepared for the possibility of him or his family being resentFul, as well as the possibility of overwhelming emotions on your part.
You also have to consider the possibility of emotions it could set off in him, given that he may still have a highly impulsive personality.
I'm not saying don't do it, your capable and intelligent woman, but think hard on what this can do to you and what you hope to gain.

[rexbeccarox]

He had to add you, if he is not answering then Your probably a plan "b" or possibly a future project/option he may want to explore later. If he is everything thing you say he was to you, I'm sure some Joey finds the same qualities appealing. Meaning he's probably with someone at the moment (plan a) and wants to ride that train a little further down the track.

Thanks for the info on google. Other than that, what a shitty thing to say. Obviously, I've considered the fact that he might be with someone else.

You're probably wanting to revisit your relationship because you are ready to settle down, (you mentioned your age and that you never married) and some times it is much easier for us to move backwards than it is to move forwards. Why? Because forwards there are a lot of unknown and un knowables to contend with. These variables are not good 'nest making material.'

No, actually, I never wanted to get married, except to Dale. I still don't, and probably wouldn't; even to Dale. As for moving forward, that's not a problem, thanks.

However when we pine over the one that got away, we can bend our memories to fit whatever need we think we have at the movement. This type of idealization leads to compromise and eventually heart break, because it prevents you from seeing what is in front of your face... Piners tend to ignore who people are, for who they have made them out to be and will even go so far as to wait on the person they have created all the while putting up with crap from someone like this guy, that they never would with anyone else.

Obviously, you missed the part where I kept complete journals of the entire time. Of everything: the good, the bad, and the downright nasty.

i have been the one who has gotten away, and had one like your Aussie buddy get away. And spoke with both of them 15 years or so later... To borrow a line from Garth Brooks: "Some times I thank God for unanswered prayers." I was a completely different person when I went out with both of those other women 15 or so years ago. One girl we had one of those if we are not married by 35 pacts. We dated each other and loved each other for about two weeks, and fought like cats and dogs. Then we would go off with someone else the when we broke up with our other dates or even while one was dating someone else's we would get back together and wonder why we ever broke up to begin with.. Then about two weeks later we never wanted to see each other again.. This went on for years... If I married her I would have an episode of dateline done on us, and I'd be in jail.

I have no idea what any of this has to do with my situation.

The point? People change. Find someone suitable for you now, not who you were 15 years ago.

My point? I'm not looking for "someone"... not even Dale. If it were to work out that way, it would be awesome. My first and only actual goal in this is to apologize, and possibly give him a nice walk down memory lane if he'd like it.

Voltron seem.... Ummseems .... Entertaining. And not Internet murdery. That's a start. Plus he uses the animal emoti's which speaks volumes to a non Internet murdery personality... (But if you do get murdered by him I had nothing to do with it..) that said he does seem a little creepy/stalkie.

Don't project.

Maybe you should just wait for your Aussie and give it three weeks before you get married.

I can think of a few "maybes" for you too.

Good luck ca-rox

Yeah. Thanks.

Look: I'm all for constructive criticism. My sister had a few tough things to say to me tonight about all this, and I'm taking her advice, which after the tough things she said, was basically, "you need to do this, Becca." I'm not blind and I'm not stupid. I have no scenario in my brain as to how this will end up going down.

You, Drich, have to passive-aggressively dig, as that's your personality. I don't appreciate it. Others give honest advice; you're just looking to be as mean as possible while trying to look like you're being nice. No one buys it, especially not I.