Some thoughts about my girlfriend's sexual past

[Kitty Galore]

Wow. I was really too fucking kind to you in the other thread. I hope this is just your severe anxiety talking.
1) We only got one side of the story from what appears to be a troll post. He could be saying all kinds of shit about her that isn't true.
2) No one is necessarily judging him for preferences - we're judging someone (giving this troll the benefit of the doubt) for having been with her for three years without discussing it if it was that fucking important. I hope you understand why it begins to seem more like penis envy than anything else.
3) If you have to ask why talking about someone in intimate ways without their consent is probably wrong, then we need to have a completely separate thread about consent.
4) You're over-reacting because you happen to align with this person's views out of what I perceive to be your own insecurities, and not out of any real logic, so yeah, people are going to give you shit about it.

What does a different thread have to do with this one? but thanks for exploiting my anxiety issues from another thread, douche alert...

1) I agree, but why can't he have his preference?
2) Sometimes this stuff never comes up, ya know? And if this is a troll post, then who cares right? if it's fake it's fake.
3) Comparing sexual consent to speaking about your relationships is a slippery slope, at worst...
4) I don't align with them, I just happen to think he should have his preferences without prejudice, like you people are saying about the girl how she should be able to fuck who she wants to, which I agree with, but you should also agree that he should have the right to not like that, even if it was never discussed. You can argue whether he should tell his story but if a girl tells the exact same story are you just as outraged? try and pretend you would be, cmon...

 #2  If you are in more than a casual relationship this stuff should come up, especially if it is so important to a person that they can't get over it. It isn't rocket science. It is common sense. 

[pauloroberts]

I'd like to clarify some things for the benefit of the feebleminded.

Soon after we met, I did ask her some stuff about her past, and she told me that there wasn't really much to tell. Which means that she lied, but I choose to focus more on the fact of what her history is, rather than her lie. But she did lie and i'm clarifying that now.

So there's that, but the point is that if anybody was curious to know if I had asked her already, they should have just asked me, instead of automatically assuming that I never did. I wonder why they chose to make the assumption that I'd never asked.

Nowhere in my post have I said anything that implies that I'm shaming her or anything like that. In fact I haven't said a single negative thing about her, I only said that we're incompatible. I could have very easily mentioned that she'd lied, but I chose to focus on the more important issue instead.

I am not seeking a virgin. To say that I am is to make a false dichotomy and a strawman argument. Anyone with common sense would not make such a silly assumption, nor did I imply that I'm a prude or that I only want a virgin.

When I said "this is not OK " (about her sexual history) what I obviously (obvious to people with brains) meant was that this is not acceptable to me. She has the free will and autonomy to choose her actions and I have the free will and autonomy to choose my standards and boundaries. I am a strong and independent man and I reserve that right, thank you very much.

Perhaps I should have clarified that I was seeking intelligent feedback. I take full responsibility for not making this clear, but I'm making it clear now, so now you know.

Do carry on...

[Longhorn]

oh goodie, he's back!

judging from the insults, he's still trolling though

[Nope]

 I've been with her for 3 years and I had no idea about any of this. I always had a feeling about her but I really didn't think it was like this. This is a huge shock to me and what bothers me is that I've invested 3 years of my life with someone whose values and mine most certainly do not gel.

What values do you believe that she no longer shares with you now that you know her sexual past? You said in a previous post that you weren't slut shaming her. You don't have to say the word, slut to be slut shaming. Anytime a woman or man's character is judged only on the basis of the number of sexual partners then you are slut shaming. As long as someone is honest and doesn't try to trick another person into sex then their past sexual activity has no relevance to their ability to have empathy, keep their word or any practice any other value.

I don't really want to break up with her, but at the same time I can't imagine staying with her and being OK with this. It's going to nag away at me, I know it. I'm a firm believer that her sexual history has a lot to do with the ability to pair bond (or should I say, the inability), and I have seen enough evidence of this with my friends and their girlfriends to confirm it. 

How can you not see this as slut shaming? Unless she lies to get people into bed or has promised to be faithful and wasn't, her past sexual activity has no influence on her ability to love someone else. What does that phrase, pair bond mean to you anyway?

[Whateverist]

Soon after we met, I did ask her some stuff about her past, and she told me that there wasn't really much to tell. Which means that she lied, but I choose to focus more on the fact of what her history is, rather than her lie. But she did lie and i'm clarifying that now.

Depending on exactly what you asked her about her past, good for you. But if all you did was ask an open ended question about her past and she failed to realize you meant how active have you been sexually, you blew it.

I am not seeking a virgin. To say that I am is to make a false dichotomy and a strawman argument. Anyone with common sense would not make such a silly assumption, nor did I imply that I'm a prude or that I only want a virgin.

Well precisely how much screwing around would have been okay with you? With any luck she picked up some skills that you've been enjoying. Or maybe you're waiting until you're married?

I can understand feeling inadequate if your own experience has been more limited. But it is wrong to make your limited experience a virtue and devalue her on account of your self justifying standards.

At the very least you should probably let her know how badly this news has destabilized you so that she can make an informed decision whether she wants to continue with you. Try to be fair.

[Joods]

I'd like to clarify some things for the benefit of the feebleminded.

Soon after we met, I did ask her some stuff about her past, and she told me that there wasn't really much to tell. Which means that she lied, but I choose to focus more on the fact of what her history is, rather than her lie. But she did lie and i'm clarifying that now.

So there's that, but the point is that if anybody was curious to know if I had asked her already, they should have just asked me, instead of automatically assuming that I never did. I wonder why they chose to make the assumption that I'd never asked.

Nowhere in my post have I said anything that implies that I'm shaming her or anything like that. In fact I haven't said a single negative thing about her, I only said that we're incompatible. I could have very easily mentioned that she'd lied, but I chose to focus on the more important issue instead.

I am not seeking a virgin. To say that I am is to make a false dichotomy and a strawman argument. Anyone with common sense would not make such a silly assumption, nor did I imply that I'm a prude or that I only want a virgin.

When I said "this is not OK " (about her sexual history) what I obviously (obvious to people with brains) meant was that this is not acceptable to me. She has the free will and autonomy to choose her actions and I have the free will and autonomy to choose my standards and boundaries. I am a strong and independent man and I reserve that right, thank you very much.

Perhaps I should have clarified that I was seeking intelligent feedback. I take full responsibility for not making this clear, but I'm making it clear now, so now you know.

Do carry on...

*Insults Bolded by me

That's quite a mouthful of insults for someone who's only posted twice now. But hey... I can dish it right back.
You really shouldn't have more dick in your personality than your pants.

First of all let me enlighten you since your own lack of common sense caused you to post this first. Your first post should have been an introduction post. Not this one. Introductory posts are encouraged because it tells us a little bit about you. But hey... I can see you're bassackwards, so what's done is done.

Second - All we could comment on is the information YOU provided. In your OP you rattled off a total of SEVEN things, that presumably you had issues with (otherwise you wouldn't have posted them). To those of us reading your OP, we responded reasonably. Had you told us she lied to you, that may or may not have changed some of our opinions, but I feel that omitting that important piece of information was very misleading.

It should also be mentioned that not anywhere in your OP did you point out your own shortcomings. So, in essence, we get one view of a situation (yours), in which you chose to leave out pertinent bits of info (gf lying) and was completely biased to begin with. YOU, sir, painted a negative picture of your girlfriend from the get go. Whether or not you actually SAID anything that was (in your opinion) negative - your post was in actuality very disrespectful to your girlfriend. Given your second post being passive-aggressive and insulting towards those you sought opinions from, I can certainly understand why your girlfriend chose to withhold information from you. If you talk down to her the way you've talked down to the people here, I wouldn't tell you anything either. You create an immediate trust issue in that you can no longer be trusted to keep any private information shared with you - private.

She trusted you with sensitive information about her past and you blabber mouthed it all over a public internet forum. What a total class act you are.

Third - 80 comments went by before you finally got back to any of us and when you do... it's filled with insults about our intelligence. Apparently getting answers/advice you didn't like, gave you cause to lash out when in all reality, we aren't the ones who put you in this situation. You did it to yourself.

Fourth - You put your girlfriend's private, sexual history on a forum that is open to the public to read. Anyone - guest or not - can read the forums here and not only did you do it here, but you did it over at TTA as well. Given that - it can pretty much be said (with surety, mind you) that you are so angry with your girlfriend that you've attempted to "publicly" shame her on multiple forums. Shame on you.

Fifth - The majority of the feedback you received came from very intelligent people that are respectable, honest, sincere and knowledgeable. What do you really want us to say? Please tell us so that we can repeat it back to you and you can go your merry way and feel better.

If you don't want advice/opinions/feedback or thoughts from a bunch of strangers, don't ask for it. Simple as that.

And I'll end with this bit of advice for you:

If you want "intelligent" feedback, I suggest you make an intelligent post that we can actually work with and not come off as an arrogant dick who wants to put his girlfriends sexual history on the WWW for EVERYONE to see because he is so insecure with his manhood that he felt justified in doing this. You remind me of the guy who has to have the biggest truck in the state. I look at those guys and think "Sorry bout your penis bro".

[thesummerqueen]

Judi, based on the initial post, the time taken in between, and the writing style of the response, I'd say the person is going to lay low so he can change his story to make the rest of us look like assholes no matter what we do. Chalk it up to trolling.

[Joods]

Probably. But it felt good to get it off my chest anyway. Even if it's ignored by him... everyone else gets to see it

[Whateverist]

So trolling isn't so much a conscious decision as an unfortunate frame of mind? Trolls got to troll.

[Exian]

Well, obviously you would have your own opinion on the matter, but you came here looking for advice, which means you are looking for an outside opinion. I'm going to go ahead and assume that any advice that doesn't align with your opinion falls outside of "intelligent feedback".

My advice to you would be to learn how to honestly seek advice, and also learn to not be a butthole.