I am a "somewhere between 30 and death" mother of two and part-time student living in Maryland around half-way between Baltimore and Washington, D.C.
I was raised Catholic and left the church at 16 in favor of being a hippie and an actor. When I was 27, I accepted a temporary position as a secretary at the Washington National Cathedral and The Interfaith Conference of D.C., merely by coincidence. My boss, an Episcopal Canon Minister for the Cathedral gently introduced me to a more liberal, intellectual and more open-minded version of Christianity than I'd ever been exposed and I actually did experience a "born-again" (I really hate that term), "lifting of the veil" experience which was enormously fulfilling, physically, emotionally, mentally, and intellectually. After 9 years, I had hoped to have children with my second husband, but to no avail, throwing me into a deep depression. It seemed like every time we went to church a baptism was taking place, and I simply could not deal with that.
I'd always been interested in the occult, and this time in my life coincided with the emergence of the New Age movement. I believed that a great deal of it was bunk, but was lucky enough to receive psychic readings from earnest, helpful people who seemed to be spot on a great deal of the time, and who, on separate occasions, suggested that my creativity might be best put to use in an exploration of Wicca. I began instruction in Wicca and found it very difficult to remove Jesus from my life. But, upon performing my first formal "spell" which focused on fertility, I became pregnant within a week, which was good enough for me. I realize intellectually that it was only a question of the right egg meeting the right sperm at the right time, but even my fertility doctors were astonished and puzzled. One of them told me, "You know, we weren't actually supposed to say this to you, but you can't have children!" I'd tried everything, and then bam: spell resulting in knocked-upedness. It worked for me. Two years later I went to a new fertility specialist who performed surgery on me and told me that my tubest were blocked. I did another spell and immediatly became pregnant with my daughter. I went through two different classes in coven situations which simply didn't work out, and would never have. I then found a more friendly, caring and accepting coven which allowed me to pick up on the studies I'd already received, who initiated me shortly thereafter. I taught Wicca 101 for a few years and found it extremely fulfilling, our coven being more mature and structured than most. I taught in a tradition which I found very effective. It was good while it was. But, as I've discovered with even the best of covens, politics, personalities and differences caused us to part ways.
My coven had been like a family to me and breaking with them caused a huge void in my life. I became deeply depressed and ceased focusing on my spirituality. This lasted over ten years, the depression (perhaps because of medication) became total, overwhelming anhedonia. I've put aside all of my goals and hopes, denied my creativity and personal growth, and have no clue where to turn.
A few years ago, my father had a stroke. While driving to and from his nursing home, I came upon a pretty little Episcopal church and attended a Sunday service. It had what I remembered from my early days in the church and which no other church I'd visited since had. It had a really great preacher, whose sermons were witty, engaging, enlightening, and personalized. I decided to make the attempt to find a way to blend Wicca, Episcopalianism, and some of the other eclectic traditions I had picked up along the way. I've met quite a few people on line who claim to have made a successful merging of the two faiths, but they seem extremely naive at best. They've taken things from their different traditions and put together in ways that have no symmetry or coherence, and appear to me completely incompatible. I had no success and found I no longer could commit to either.
During my 13 year sabbatical and continuing onto the present, I have studied critical thinking, philosophy and theology, history (Big History in particular - google it) and have dabbled in becoming familiar with science. I've spent some time asking questions. I've tried on a variety of labels, including Universalist Unitarian, Religious Humanist, Transcendentalist, Existentialist, and so on. The only thing I've been comfortable with is Agnostic. Christianity no longer makes any sense to me. When I was Wiccan I felt that I was open-minded enough to consider anything as possible and able to admit it when something became no longer possible. But I've come to the decision, that was always part of my core faith, that if God does exist, trying to define, describe or visualize him or her or it is a futile if not destructive effort. Learning about the Big Bang, cosmology and aspects of physics caused me to believe that such a scenario is so outrageous and unlikely a thing that there may still be room for a "God," or whatever, which I do not understand. I'm not ready to label myself as an Atheist yet, because of its finality. I'm still seeking in my own way.
When encountering someone who is religious in any way and engaging in a discussion with them, whether online or in person, I've felt a physical repulsion of them come over me which is certainly not in line with my view of morality. I hope to find a way that does not employ religion in which to find acceptance of them. Whether they firmly believe in the existance of the Holy Trinity, or whether they believe they are seeing their deceased relatives or controlling elemental energies, they appear to be so firm and unbending in their "opinions" - as if they have a passport photo of their Deity in their back pocket and their God needs them and them alone to fight the good fight and defend him without giving an inch - which kind of negates the section of the passport photo which they label "all powerful."
I've discovered and have been reading some of the works of prominent, modern atheists: Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Lawrence Kraus, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, and was introduced just this morning by Darwinian to A.C. Grayling. I've always enjoyed reading Hume, Bertrand Russel, William James and the like. The former seem to be calling for activism in atheism, sort of a grassroots movement, advising "us" to be more vocal and open about ourselves. Actively encouraging an evolution in thought and, if not outright calling for the exposure of religion as an antiquated, irrational, and unprovable superstition (not yet, that is). Demand that leaders, teachers, clergy, and the absolute idiots who have managed to capture a segment of the population's attention through media exposure, to account for their actions and pronouncements. I realize this will take a long time, and will certainly cause violence and ridiculous rebellion, but it seems to me to be the only reasonable path to take if I care about humanity as a species and want the world to still exist for my children's children's children.
It's still hard not to think of my children as miracles. Of course it was scientifically possible for me to conceive, but it was highly unlikely. They are the true joys of my life, my greatest creations, and have turned out to be better people than I could have ever hoped for.
And there I am in a very long-winded nutshell. Ready to learn and potentially join ranks with other like-minded souls to bring about growth and change, which is all I've ever really wanted for the world.
I was raised Catholic and left the church at 16 in favor of being a hippie and an actor. When I was 27, I accepted a temporary position as a secretary at the Washington National Cathedral and The Interfaith Conference of D.C., merely by coincidence. My boss, an Episcopal Canon Minister for the Cathedral gently introduced me to a more liberal, intellectual and more open-minded version of Christianity than I'd ever been exposed and I actually did experience a "born-again" (I really hate that term), "lifting of the veil" experience which was enormously fulfilling, physically, emotionally, mentally, and intellectually. After 9 years, I had hoped to have children with my second husband, but to no avail, throwing me into a deep depression. It seemed like every time we went to church a baptism was taking place, and I simply could not deal with that.
I'd always been interested in the occult, and this time in my life coincided with the emergence of the New Age movement. I believed that a great deal of it was bunk, but was lucky enough to receive psychic readings from earnest, helpful people who seemed to be spot on a great deal of the time, and who, on separate occasions, suggested that my creativity might be best put to use in an exploration of Wicca. I began instruction in Wicca and found it very difficult to remove Jesus from my life. But, upon performing my first formal "spell" which focused on fertility, I became pregnant within a week, which was good enough for me. I realize intellectually that it was only a question of the right egg meeting the right sperm at the right time, but even my fertility doctors were astonished and puzzled. One of them told me, "You know, we weren't actually supposed to say this to you, but you can't have children!" I'd tried everything, and then bam: spell resulting in knocked-upedness. It worked for me. Two years later I went to a new fertility specialist who performed surgery on me and told me that my tubest were blocked. I did another spell and immediatly became pregnant with my daughter. I went through two different classes in coven situations which simply didn't work out, and would never have. I then found a more friendly, caring and accepting coven which allowed me to pick up on the studies I'd already received, who initiated me shortly thereafter. I taught Wicca 101 for a few years and found it extremely fulfilling, our coven being more mature and structured than most. I taught in a tradition which I found very effective. It was good while it was. But, as I've discovered with even the best of covens, politics, personalities and differences caused us to part ways.
My coven had been like a family to me and breaking with them caused a huge void in my life. I became deeply depressed and ceased focusing on my spirituality. This lasted over ten years, the depression (perhaps because of medication) became total, overwhelming anhedonia. I've put aside all of my goals and hopes, denied my creativity and personal growth, and have no clue where to turn.
A few years ago, my father had a stroke. While driving to and from his nursing home, I came upon a pretty little Episcopal church and attended a Sunday service. It had what I remembered from my early days in the church and which no other church I'd visited since had. It had a really great preacher, whose sermons were witty, engaging, enlightening, and personalized. I decided to make the attempt to find a way to blend Wicca, Episcopalianism, and some of the other eclectic traditions I had picked up along the way. I've met quite a few people on line who claim to have made a successful merging of the two faiths, but they seem extremely naive at best. They've taken things from their different traditions and put together in ways that have no symmetry or coherence, and appear to me completely incompatible. I had no success and found I no longer could commit to either.
During my 13 year sabbatical and continuing onto the present, I have studied critical thinking, philosophy and theology, history (Big History in particular - google it) and have dabbled in becoming familiar with science. I've spent some time asking questions. I've tried on a variety of labels, including Universalist Unitarian, Religious Humanist, Transcendentalist, Existentialist, and so on. The only thing I've been comfortable with is Agnostic. Christianity no longer makes any sense to me. When I was Wiccan I felt that I was open-minded enough to consider anything as possible and able to admit it when something became no longer possible. But I've come to the decision, that was always part of my core faith, that if God does exist, trying to define, describe or visualize him or her or it is a futile if not destructive effort. Learning about the Big Bang, cosmology and aspects of physics caused me to believe that such a scenario is so outrageous and unlikely a thing that there may still be room for a "God," or whatever, which I do not understand. I'm not ready to label myself as an Atheist yet, because of its finality. I'm still seeking in my own way.
When encountering someone who is religious in any way and engaging in a discussion with them, whether online or in person, I've felt a physical repulsion of them come over me which is certainly not in line with my view of morality. I hope to find a way that does not employ religion in which to find acceptance of them. Whether they firmly believe in the existance of the Holy Trinity, or whether they believe they are seeing their deceased relatives or controlling elemental energies, they appear to be so firm and unbending in their "opinions" - as if they have a passport photo of their Deity in their back pocket and their God needs them and them alone to fight the good fight and defend him without giving an inch - which kind of negates the section of the passport photo which they label "all powerful."
I've discovered and have been reading some of the works of prominent, modern atheists: Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, Lawrence Kraus, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, and was introduced just this morning by Darwinian to A.C. Grayling. I've always enjoyed reading Hume, Bertrand Russel, William James and the like. The former seem to be calling for activism in atheism, sort of a grassroots movement, advising "us" to be more vocal and open about ourselves. Actively encouraging an evolution in thought and, if not outright calling for the exposure of religion as an antiquated, irrational, and unprovable superstition (not yet, that is). Demand that leaders, teachers, clergy, and the absolute idiots who have managed to capture a segment of the population's attention through media exposure, to account for their actions and pronouncements. I realize this will take a long time, and will certainly cause violence and ridiculous rebellion, but it seems to me to be the only reasonable path to take if I care about humanity as a species and want the world to still exist for my children's children's children.
It's still hard not to think of my children as miracles. Of course it was scientifically possible for me to conceive, but it was highly unlikely. They are the true joys of my life, my greatest creations, and have turned out to be better people than I could have ever hoped for.
And there I am in a very long-winded nutshell. Ready to learn and potentially join ranks with other like-minded souls to bring about growth and change, which is all I've ever really wanted for the world.
White.* The blank page.* The challenge:* Bring order to the whole - through design, composition, tone, form, symmetry, balance, light...and Harmony...
