How would you react to a gay person who found you TOTALLY repulsive ?

[Pyrrho]

Why would anyone be so cruel as to say they found me repulsive when a simple "I'm not attracted to you" would do? I would assume ulterior motives. People usually don't go out of their way to hurt someone's feelings for no reason.

In most cases, it is not even necessary to say, "I'm not attracted to you."  I have not said that to most of the people to whom I am not attracted.  There has been no reason for me to do so.

[TheRocketSurgeon]

Some people seem to think it justifies handing out unwarranted judgements by saying, "Just being honest!"

Bully for you. If I asked for your opinion, then that would be relevant.

I want to know if there's something I'm unaware of about myself of some importance (such as I'm about to fall down a hole) but I don't need random opinions from people about irrelevant things, as others have said. I have had people shout out random insults quite a lot actually.

I was presuming, in the context of the conversation, that the gay guy in question had a reason for making such a statement in conversation, rather than being unsolicited rudeness, in which case he'd just be an asshole whom I could safely ignore.

[MTL]

 Absolutely.

A few others here have expressed similar sentiments, and I'll add my voice to it.

There is ZERO need to express a negative opinion on something unless:

A)  You were specifically asked for your opinion

B)  You're a professional movie/art/food critic, opinion columnist, or Judge, and it's your job to pass an opinion on that specific thing

C)  The thing upon which you are expressing your opinion is in some way not merely unpleasant to you,
but OFFENSIVE or damaging in some way, and something needs to be said.

D)  You are participating in a forum or blog where people specifically come to air opinions, whatever they may be...
...and even then, as Pyrrho pointed out, there's really nothing constructive being accomplished by offering a gratuitously negative opinion
on something that is hurting no-one.

I slightly disagree with what you have stated.  I think in the case of something put out for public display, like a movie, it is fine for people to express negative opinions of it.  But the personal appearance of people who do not put themselves on public display, is a matter that is normally best left alone.  Just to be clear, going to the store to get a loaf of bread, although one is then in public, is not what I mean by being out for public display.  One is then out for a loaf of bread, not someone shouting "look at me!" to the world, as is effectively being done when one makes a movie.  If someone chooses to be the focus of public attention, different rules apply than to those who do not make that choice.

That IS what I said:

" B)  You're a professional movie/art/food critic, opinion columnist, or Judge, and it's your job to pass an opinion on that specific thing "

(IE: movie critics can criticize movies....they may not criticize passerby on the sidewalk)

I was not in any way suggesting that just because you might be a movie critic that it means it's okay for you to insult people for no reason.

However, you make me think of a slightly different case:

you said,

 Just to be clear, going to the store to get a loaf of bread, although one is then in public, is not what I mean by being out for public display.  One is then out for a loaf of bread, not someone shouting "look at me!" to the world, as is effectively being done when one makes a movie.  If someone chooses to be the focus of public attention, different rules apply than to those who do not make that choice.

(Bold is mine).

What is your opinion, then, of someone who is simply stepping out to the store for a loaf of bread,
but instead of dressing in conformity with the social norm,
they dress in an "aesthetically aggressive" manner....like Lady Gaga, let's say?

Many would opine that such a person is still minding their own business, and still deserves respect,
(as long as her manner of dress doesn't include a t-shirt espousing hate crimes, or anything)

but many, MANY people see such individuals as being guilty of, as you put it,

shouting "look at me!"

...and therefore consider them fair game for ridicule, or praise, or simply comment.

[Pyrrho]

Some people seem to think it justifies handing out unwarranted judgements by saying, "Just being honest!"

Bully for you. If I asked for your opinion, then that would be relevant.

I want to know if there's something I'm unaware of about myself of some importance (such as I'm about to fall down a hole) but I don't need random opinions from people about irrelevant things, as others have said.

So far, so good.

I have had people shout out random insults quite a lot actually.

What the hell?  This is one of the many things I have read on this forum in which other people's life experiences are dramatically different from my own.  Are these people strangers, or people you know?  If they are people you know, why do you spend time with them?  If they are strangers, where were you and what sorts of things were going on?

When I read about the life experiences of others at this site, it is like I have stepped into an alternate universe.  And not a good one.

[MTL]

Why would anyone be so cruel as to say they found me repulsive when a simple "I'm not attracted to you" would do? I would assume ulterior motives. People usually don't go out of their way to hurt someone's feelings for no reason.

Well, people who are too scared or insecure to tell their crushes they like them may say stuff like that instead. I don't know.

 True.  Like that little boy in grade school who used to express his love for me
by chucking handfuls of earthworms at me, after every rainfall, in the schoolyard.

Ah. Young Love.

[Pyrrho]

Some people seem to think it justifies handing out unwarranted judgements by saying, "Just being honest!"

Bully for you. If I asked for your opinion, then that would be relevant.

I want to know if there's something I'm unaware of about myself of some importance (such as I'm about to fall down a hole) but I don't need random opinions from people about irrelevant things, as others have said. I have had people shout out random insults quite a lot actually.

I was presuming, in the context of the conversation, that the gay guy in question had a reason for making such a statement in conversation, rather than being unsolicited rudeness, in which case he'd just be an asshole whom I could safely ignore.

But what could that context be?  Especially if the person says what the title of this thread says, that they find you "TOTALLY repulsive?"  In what context is that not going to be rude?

Are you imagining a guy asking the gay man if he finds him attractive, and then the gay man tells him, "no, I don't particularly," and then pressing the matter further, with "exactly how unattractive do you find me?"  Other than something like that, how could it not be rude?

[TheRocketSurgeon]

I was presuming, in the context of the conversation, that the gay guy in question had a reason for making such a statement in conversation, rather than being unsolicited rudeness, in which case he'd just be an asshole whom I could safely ignore.

But what could that context be?  Especially if the person says what the title of this thread says, that they find you "TOTALLY repulsive?"  In what context is that not going to be rude?

Are you imagining a guy asking the gay man if he finds him attractive, and then the gay man tells him, "no, I don't particularly," and then pressing the matter further, with "exactly how unattractive do you find me?"  Other than something like that, how could it not be rude?

I think the context of the OP is that straight guys tend to assume all gay men find all men attractive, which is simply not the case. If a straight guy were to express such a sentiment, and I were a gay guy, I'd very likely reply with, "No, I don't think you're attractive at all, and here's why."

[Pyrrho]

I slightly disagree with what you have stated.  I think in the case of something put out for public display, like a movie, it is fine for people to express negative opinions of it.  But the personal appearance of people who do not put themselves on public display, is a matter that is normally best left alone.  Just to be clear, going to the store to get a loaf of bread, although one is then in public, is not what I mean by being out for public display.  One is then out for a loaf of bread, not someone shouting "look at me!" to the world, as is effectively being done when one makes a movie.  If someone chooses to be the focus of public attention, different rules apply than to those who do not make that choice.

That IS what I said:

" B)  You're a professional movie/art/food critic, opinion columnist, or Judge, and it's your job to pass an opinion on that specific thing "

The difference is, most of us are not professional critics.  Still, we are right to say that a movie sucks when it sucks.  That is because the filmmakers put the thing out publicly for us to see.

Additionally, being a professional critic would not justify rude comments about the appearance of private people who have not put themselves out in the public limelight.  Even if someone hired them specifically to do that.  They should refuse such a job, as it would be inherently rude.

So what I am saying is that it is not the profession of the person who is making the comment that matters.  It is the profession and activities of the person (or thing) being described that matters.

---

(IE: movie critics can criticize movies....they may not criticize passerby on the sidewalk)

I was not in any way suggesting that just because you might be a movie critic that it means it's okay for you to insult people for no reason.

---

However, you make me think of a slightly different case:

you said,

 Just to be clear, going to the store to get a loaf of bread, although one is then in public, is not what I mean by being out for public display.  One is then out for a loaf of bread, not someone shouting "look at me!" to the world, as is effectively being done when one makes a movie.  If someone chooses to be the focus of public attention, different rules apply than to those who do not make that choice.

(Bold is mine).

What is your opinion, then, of someone who is simply stepping out to the store for a loaf of bread,
but instead of dressing in conformity with the social norm,
they dress in an "aesthetically aggressive" manner....like Lady Gaga, let's say?

Many would opine that such a person is still minding their own business, and still deserves respect,
(as long as her manner of dress doesn't include a t-shirt espousing hate crimes, or anything)

but many, MANY people see such individuals as being guilty of, as you put it,

shouting "look at me!"

...and therefore consider them fair game for ridicule, or praise, or simply comment.

I think shouting rude comments to them is rude, no matter how they dress.  Granted, some ways of dressing will draw some attention, but if they want your opinion, they can ask for it.  If they ask for it, then it is fine to give it.  If they do not, then I think it is inappropriate to be rude to them.

By the way, I hate the way many people dress, and do not like green hair and other such things, but I do not tell people I encounter on the street what I think of their appearance.  Not being a total asshole, I keep my opinion to myself when I encounter someone who dresses in a way I regard as hideous, ridiculous, stupid, or whatever.


As a practical matter, I would advise people not to dress provocatively if they do not want to hear the opinions of assholes, but the assholes should be keeping their opinions to themselves.  But being assholes, they often won't.  That is one of the things that makes them assholes.


In fact, I remember a friend from many years ago, who told me that one time when she had dyed her hair green, someone threw a beer bottle at her.  And indicated in speech that the "reason" for doing so was her hair color.  Although I think leaving her hair natural would be far more attractive, there is no excuse for what that person did.  Nor should the person offer an unsolicited opinion on her choice of hair color.



While I am at it, there is a difference between a general comment, like:

I do not like green hair.

posted here, or stated in a general conversation (in the absence of anyone with green hair at that moment), and a comment directed at a specific individual:

Your hair is hideous because you dyed it green.

directed at someone who did not ask for the opinion.

As an aside, my friend who once had green hair did not appear to be offended by any of my comments on the subject, even though I told her I do not like green hair.  It was in the context of her telling me about the beer bottle and asking my opinion about things.  So in that case, she asked for my opinion, and also my comment was general, as she did not have green hair at the time we were discussing the matter, so my comments were general, with me saying I do not like hair to be dyed green.  It was not specific about her particular appearance (and in any case, she asked me about it, so it would be a different matter anyway than just shouting to some passerby about their appearance).


I recommend that you do not dye your hair green, but you are certainly free to decide that for yourself, and if you do dye your hair green, no one should be rude to you because of it.  Of course, if you encounter an asshole, you might encounter someone who is rude to you about it.



So, since you asked for my opinion above, I have given it to you.

[MTL]

That IS what I said:

" B)  You're a professional movie/art/food critic, opinion columnist, or Judge, and it's your job to pass an opinion on that specific thing "

most of us are not professional critics.  Still, we are right to say that a movie sucks when it sucks.  That is because the filmmakers put the thing out publicly for us to see.

No argument there.

Pyrrho

Additionally, being a professional critic would not justify rude comments about the appearance of private people who have not put themselves out in the public limelight.  Even if someone hired them specifically to do that.  They should refuse such a job, as it would be inherently rude.

I cannot, off the top of my head,
think of any professional who is paid, specifically and exclusively,
to give unsolicited opinions to the public, about the appearance of private citizens,
who happen to be going about their private business, out in public.

The closest thing I can think of are public shows that lampoon and criticize public figures, of course,
like Fashion Police.


That's why, when I gave my example of a movie critic,
I limited the acceptability of their negative comments, to movies.

[emjay]

I agree there's no reason to say anything if you feel indifferent or repulsed, but I can't deny I do like to flirt which requires saying if I find someone attractive. But as I've said elsewhere, only among friends, and only if I think it would be welcome. But if someone makes it clear that they don't want to know either way, as you have and others have in the past, I totally respect that, and wouldn't go there.

Unfortunately, with the brutally honest, your recommendation doesn't usually work, for me anyway

It may take more than once for it to sink in.  But repeating, when appropriate, "If I want your opinion, I will ask for it," will likely eventually convey the right message, unless the person is a complete moron.

Also, when socializing, you may wish to be more exclusive than some people, and exclude people who annoy you, regardless of why they annoy you.  I have been rather amazed at what some people do, who willfully socialize with people and then complain about their habits later.  If their habits annoy you, why socialize with them?  It is one thing to have a coworker who annoys one, as then one often does not have much choice, but on several occasions I have encountered people who choose to socialize with people who annoy them.  If you choose it, you have yourself to blame, when it is something that is a repeated habit.

Usually, when I point this out to people, they respond with "yeah, but..." and then say some lame bullshit nonsense.  If you choose to be with people who you know will annoy you, you are to blame for your choice.  If it is forced on you (like an annoying coworker at work), that is, of course, quite a different matter.  But many people choose to socialize with people who bother them.

This also applies to romantic relationships and is not merely a matter of platonic ones.  I remember talking with an acquaintance who was complaining about her boyfriend, who, from her description, sounded like a worthless jerk.  I told her to dump him.  She said, "but I love him!"  If one chooses to be with people who are worthless jerks, one should expect to be annoyed by it, and one has chosen it, so one only has oneself to blame.

If you put up with crap, you will very likely have crap to deal with.  Dump the worthless boyfriend/girlfriend/friend and you do not have to deal with their annoying crap.  Choose to be with them, and you choose crap, which is your fault.

Well the guy at college was just in my class but I didn't hang out with him, so he was really just an acquaintance. But most of the people that I've met that are brutally honest like that are online.

I don't really know what to say to the rest. Yeah, I know it's my fault if I hang out with people who piss me off, but for the most part I don't.