Posts: 736
Threads: 38
Joined: December 3, 2013
Reputation:
10
RE: Would you?
October 12, 2015 at 11:50 am
I think it should be less revealing. I'm a rubbish writer and don't know your plot, but perhaps something along the lines of "The emotions as X held her newborn baby were as intense as the pain she had just endured. However these were not feelings of love nor joy, but of desperate hatred."
My favourite first line, from 1984: "It was a bright cold day in April and the clock was striking thirteen".
Posts: 3101
Threads: 10
Joined: September 7, 2015
Reputation:
49
RE: Would you?
October 12, 2015 at 3:36 pm
"I always get the shakes before a drop. I've had the injections, of course, and hypnotic preparation, and it stands to reason that I can't really be afraid. The ship's psychiatrist has checked my brain waves and asked me silly questions while I was asleep and he tells me that it isn't fear, it isn't anything important — it's just like the trembling of an eager race horse in the starting gate. I couldn't say about that; I've never been a race horse. But the fact is: I'm scared silly, every time."
The opening of Starship Troopers, by Robert A. Heinlein... still probably my favorite hook of anything I've read.
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
Posts: 736
Threads: 38
Joined: December 3, 2013
Reputation:
10
RE: Would you?
October 12, 2015 at 4:09 pm
(October 12, 2015 at 3:36 pm)TheRocketSurgeon Wrote: The opening of Starship Troopers, by Robert A. Heinlein... still probably my favorite hook of anything I've read.
It's not a bad book until it turns into an amazing right wing rant.
Posts: 3101
Threads: 10
Joined: September 7, 2015
Reputation:
49
RE: Would you?
October 12, 2015 at 4:14 pm
Everything Heinlein wrote was Libertarian mental masturbation. I still enjoy it. 
A Christian told me: if you were saved you cant lose your salvation. you're sealed with the Holy Ghost
I replied: Can I refuse? Because I find the entire concept of vicarious blood sacrifice atonement to be morally abhorrent, the concept of holding flawed creatures permanently accountable for social misbehaviors and thought crimes to be morally abhorrent, and the concept of calling something "free" when it comes with the strings of subjugation and obedience perhaps the most morally abhorrent of all... and that's without even going into the history of justifying genocide, slavery, rape, misogyny, religious intolerance, and suppression of free speech which has been attributed by your own scriptures to your deity. I want a refund. I would burn happily rather than serve the monster you profess to love.
Posts: 15755
Threads: 194
Joined: May 15, 2009
Reputation:
145
RE: Would you?
October 13, 2015 at 12:24 am
(October 11, 2015 at 1:46 am)Parkers Tan Wrote: Yes, I'd keep reading.
If I can offer some unsolicited advice, don't labor too much over your opening sentence. Get into the story, and when you go back for your first rewrite, you'll have a better idea of the hook you want to use.
This can also be particularly effective if you find you've written a really powerful ending, and can revisit the opening line with it.
Not saying you're using that device... but don't fret so hard about the details on the first write-through: you will come back over it all another could of times, changing things so they read better.
Maybe inspiration will strike you
Please give me a home where cloud buffalo roam
Where the dear and the strangers can play
Where sometimes is heard a discouraging word
But the skies are not stormy all day
Posts: 15755
Threads: 194
Joined: May 15, 2009
Reputation:
145
RE: Would you?
October 13, 2015 at 12:43 am
(This post was last modified: October 13, 2015 at 12:44 am by Violet.)
(October 11, 2015 at 1:48 am)Cthulhu Dreaming Wrote: Looks like I'm the party pooper. I'm not really not into that sort of fiction any more. When I was younger, hell yeah I would have.
Me too, for a different reason. Technically, I would 'keep reading', so I answered yes... but if the lines after that first line don't sell it: It's going to peter out pretty fast and I'll get bored.
I'm somewhat more... visceral, than to be grabbed with that starting line. It's very 'academic'. Like... she killed her baby the moment he came into this world... (goes back to the start to see if that was it, not quite: "She killed the infant shorty after giving birth to it."...)
It sounds so fucking removed. Where is the fucking emotion? If written this way, it desperately needs the followup of a sexy comma that moves towards this direction, ', just picked up the knife, and cursing: gouged through her newborn's heart.'
Make my pupils dilate... make me feel something. Share with me your emotion... your voice. I am probably not your targeted demographic... but I also don't know that I'm not.
Please give me a home where cloud buffalo roam
Where the dear and the strangers can play
Where sometimes is heard a discouraging word
But the skies are not stormy all day
Posts: 33769
Threads: 1423
Joined: March 15, 2013
Reputation:
152
RE: Would you?
October 13, 2015 at 12:44 am
Should I provide at least a paragraph or two or what I have written since?
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
Posts: 47042
Threads: 545
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
108
RE: Would you?
October 13, 2015 at 3:31 am
Yes, please.
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 33769
Threads: 1423
Joined: March 15, 2013
Reputation:
152
RE: Would you?
October 13, 2015 at 5:32 am
"It had to be done," he whispered.
She nodded as she trembled in the corner of the small room. Unable to look at him or anything else in the room, she kept her eyes closed as she relived the moments of suffocating the tiny body that had been a part of her for nine months.
"Never trust a fox. Looks like a dog, behaves like a cat."
~ Erin Hunter
Posts: 4705
Threads: 38
Joined: April 5, 2015
Reputation:
65
RE: Would you?
October 13, 2015 at 7:25 am
Personally, I wouldn't. Nothing triggers me like dead kids, even in fiction :|
From what I've seen, you're a decent writer though. Keep writing, whatever it is 
![[Image: rySLj1k.png]](https://images.weserv.nl/?url=i.imgur.com%2FrySLj1k.png)
If you have any serious concerns, are being harassed, or just need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me via PM
|
