Taking care of elderly family being only child.

[Brian37]

My mom has great insurance and a pension and is in an independent living home, so she does have eyes on her and a button to press when she needs help. But even with that I still worry.

She just got back from minor surgery yesterday, but with the way corporate is with hospitals they try to boot you as soon as they can. I wanted her to stay, but she was in her own right mind, but always wants to do things on her own. They sent her home, she was only slightly weak, had her marbles, wasn't loopy,, ate well last night, but I would have liked her to stay at least one night. Well this morning I get a call that she had a minor problem at her apartment, nurse had to come over to change the bandage, but still. I hate the feeling of having to chose to push her to do the right thing and when to step aside. I am her son so she is stuck in the parent role and wants to do things on her own. I second guess myself and it is hard knowing when to step in and step aside.

I came home after some time today only because her friend came over, she insisted I leave and said she was ok. I am sitting at home right now simply worrying, probably over nothing but I love her.

[Minimalist]

Been there - done that - hated it.

While you are thinking things over stop and give some thought to how much worse it would be if she had stubbornly refused to go into Assisted Living and was rattling around her home or apartment without a staff of professional caregivers watching out for her.

Than have a drink and make the best of it because believe me, the other way is much worse.

[Clueless Morgan]

While you are thinking things over stop and give some thought to how much worse it would be if she had stubbornly refused to go into Assisted Living and was rattling around her home or apartment without a staff of professional caregivers watching out for her.

This is exactly what's going on with my 84 year old grandmother: she refuses to go into an assisted living facility even though she should be in one, and instead (fortunately and unfortunately for my aunt) moved into a house across the street from my aunt. She (my g-ma) has some pretty serious medical problems, just recently had cataract surgery and was in the hospital for high blood pressure. My aunt goes over daily to make sure she's taking all her meds and to clean the house (my g-ma is no housekeeper) which puts an enormous strain on my aunt which has bred some resentment among the siblings for how much is contributed to g-ma's life and well-being right now.

As for my own parents, I will probably end up being the sole care-giver to them as they age as both my sister live on the East coast. My mom will probably be no problem and might even voluntarily move into an assisted living situation; it's my dad I'm weary about. He's stubborn and obstinate just like my g-ma (his mother).

[Whateverist]

Yeah my father in law Jim didn't move from his private home until he was ninety. Sadly by then he'd lost the confidence he needed (and once had in abundance) to make a go of it at senior housing. By the time he 'graduated' to assisted living it was pretty sad to see how far he'd fallen.

The lesson I take away for myself is not to be over confident about how long you'll be able to do what you've always been able to do. Changing one's living arrangements is never easy, so sooner rather than later. I bought Jim one of those little metal tablet holders with the "Keep Calm and Carry On" sayings on the outside in the hopes of helping him cope with his failing memory. That too was something he needed to master before it was completely needed. Note to self.

[Minimalist]

and was in the hospital for high blood pressure.

Indicative of other problems.  I'm sure they have checked for kidney disease or at least kidney function.  What about congestive heart failure?  Or Pulmonary Artery Disease?  COPD?  I'm sure our resident medical types can think of many others.

[Clueless Morgan]

and was in the hospital for high blood pressure.

Indicative of other problems.  I'm sure they have checked for kidney disease or at least kidney function.  What about congestive heart failure?  Or Pulmonary Artery Disease?  COPD?  I'm sure our resident medical types can think of many others.

I don't know what all they checked for but she's probably got it all.

[abaris]

I can relate. I took care of my mother and father for about ten years.

[brewer]

Please don't try to take her decision making capacity away from her. That's one of the last things elderly prize because it makes them feel independent. That they are in control of their own life.

I'm not saying don't have discussions with her about decisions. Sometimes the elderly don't see the potential negative impacts that some decisions can have, especially the big decisions.

Help her make the best informed decisions that she can. I'm afraid if you take that away it will only cause a resentment.

[Athene]

My father has a degenerative neurological condition and is at home with my mother, where she refused to accept any outside help in taking care of him until recently. I wound up having to be the bad guy by informing her that caring for him at home with absolutely no assistance was no longer acceptable. Suffice it to say that a lot of anger and stuff transpired in between, but he now has home health visits several days a week, the proper assistive devices and equipment, and she also "allows" me to come and assist with his care as well. 

No one wants likes being forced to play hardball with their sick or aging parents. Unfortunately, we have to take on the role of parents to our parents sometimes, and decisions have to be made for them.

You're mother sounds like a sweet lady, who simply wants to take care of herself as long as she can. Help her in that pursuit as long as it's a reasonable option.

[Brian37]

Please don't try to take her decision making capacity away from her. That's one of the last things elderly prize because it makes them feel independent. That they are in control of their own life.

I'm not saying don't have discussions with her about decisions. Sometimes the elderly don't see the potential negative impacts that some decisions can have, especially the big decisions.

Help her make the best informed decisions that she can. I'm afraid if you take that away it will only cause a resentment.

Oh no, she gets most of what she wants most of the time.  Its only when she is coming out of the hospital I become more insistent. It took her forever to finally give up a wobbly red recliner rocker. She is now glad she gave it up for a lift chair. 

Oh no the worst she gets with me is annoyed, we have a really close relationship and we butt heads over lots of things even outside health issues, but we never stay angry or hold grudges.  But yea, I know what you are saying, she is independent but sometimes I think she gets ahead of herself. It is still up to her you are right. It is just hard sometimes striking that balance.

 She's great in tons of ways. She is a social liberal, although a mostly lifetime voting republican. She told me a couple months ago she likes Bernie Sanders, that impressed the heck out of me. She's a great listener and even asks me about my online debates with my rivals. She's much more open to being silly unlike when I was a kid. I think she sees the way others interact with me and gets me much more than we got each other when I was a kid. 

The only thing that frustrates me is that she gets more concerned about the way something looks, rather than the pragmatism of what she needs and her safety, like insisting on having that rocking recliner she finally got rid of. It's the recovery aspect. Once she gets past this I'll be much more relaxed and her predilections wont bother me as much.