RE: Residents of Britain: Take back your freedom!
July 5, 2010 at 10:57 am
(This post was last modified: July 5, 2010 at 10:58 am by The Omnissiunt One.)
I wonder if they'd consider any of these suggestions. My feeling is that they're more along the lines of the Monster Raying Loony Party's stuff, but still, it's worth a shot...
Economy:
• Bankers’ bonuses should be limited to a hearty slap on the back, which is encouraging, but not costly
• Every British citizen should be entitled to punch a banker in the face once; any more than that and a first warning will be issued
• To discourage reckless capitalism, those who work in large businesses should have their mothers nearby to utter maternal wisdom and encourage prudence
• Small businesses should be aided by funding from Gordon Ramsay’s ‘Swear Jar’
Health:
• There should be a traffic light system for pedestrians like that in America, where, instead of a colour-based system, they would say, ‘Don’t walk’; in order to encourage an active lifestyle, they would also say, ‘Run instead, you lazy sod’
• As a further measure to encourage an active lifestyle, all buses should leave thirty seconds early, so latecomers would have to run
• To discourage people from smoking, smokers should be followed round by council employees dressed as the Grim Reaper
• We should reduce the amount of red tape in NHS administration, as it is clearly too expensive and Sellotape is much more efficient
• All ominous-sounding diseases should be renamed in a more pleasant manner to reduce the stress of diagnosis for both doctor and patient; for instance, acute bronchitis would be called Tickly Internal Fluffiness
Education:
• In the style of School of Rock, Rocking Out should be an optional subject choice at GCSE and A-Level
• Communication, Transport, Business and Media Studies should all be taught by people in a Mickey Mouse costume to remind students how little they are contributing to society
• Children could begin to specialise their education for their intended careers at the age of eight, which would solve the shortage of astronauts, racing car drivers and pop singers
• Maths teachers should have to list three real-life applications of everything they wish to teach, which would make the curriculum a lot smaller
• Exam invigilators should have to wear foam shoes, to prevent them from making a distracting noise/ would not be allowed to walk around
Foreign Policy:
• Britain’s army should be immediately withdrawn from the Middle East; instead, we would invade Luxembourg, which is clearly a pushover of a country
• A new sport should be invented in which the British always win; it is proposed that this be Drunken Town Centre Wrestling
• As Scotland wants to devolve so much, it should become an independent country again; also, Hadrian’s Wall would be rebuilt
Immigration:
• Citizenship tests should contain practical questions for British life, such as, ‘How many Bacardi Breezers can one down before major illness ensues?’
• Asylum seekers should be allowed to stay provided they can tell a good joke
Crime
• Being awarded an ASBO should be punished by participation on the brand new reality TV show ‘Chav Island’
• Community Support Officers, who currently do little, should be trained as superheroes
• Police presence should be cheaply simulated by cardboard cut-outs; also, all police would wear Jack Bauer/ Mr. T masks, and hence be infinitely more terrifying
Environment and Animal Welfare:
• To both benefit the environment and provide effective public transport, there should be communal bikes, seating approximately thirty, and ridden by an Olympic athlete with thighs the size of tree trunks
• As a precautionary measure against rising sea levels, a system should be put in place whereby flood water would be diverted into a brand new theme park
• The ban on fox hunting with hounds should be repealed; however, to make it a fairer fight, foxes would be genetically engineered to breathe fire
Government:
• ‘No U-turn’ signs should be installed in Westminster
• To get the public more interested in politics, parliamentary debate should be conducted in the style of a gangsta rap
• Elected officials should have the right to a private life, unless the gossip is really good
Culture and Media:
• An official government newspaper should be created which, in the name of balance, has the average of the Guardian and the Mail’s headlines e.g. ‘Immigration causes global warming’
• James Blunt music should only be played on the radio after the watershed
• All towns should be trained to spontaneously break into song and dance, like in musicals
• We should implement a ‘zero tolerance policy’, as nought is a much maligned number; this would include the creation of National Nothing Day, in which materialistic values are rejected
'We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.' H.L. Mencken
'False religion' is the ultimate tautology.
'It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.' Mark Twain
'I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.' Abraham Lincoln
