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Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
#1
Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
This has bothered me for awhile, and I'd like some opinions on it.  Most of the time we try to show people our positive traits, and we try our best to hide our negative traits, particularly when we're looking for a job or when we're meeting a potential romantic partner.  Mary Lambert's song Secrets explains it pretty well.  But the problem is that while some negative traits may be endearing, others will scare people away.  In Mary Lambert's song, she's afraid afraid of the dentist, which may be charming in some ways, but she also has bipolar disorder, which is going to be a big turnoff to potential employers and romantic partners.  

So what do you do with your negative traits?  If you have anxiety, depression, moodiness, chronic lateness, poor time management, anger issues, etc., are you upfront with people about them or do you try to hide them?
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#2
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
I generally try to keep negative traits in the background, mainly because giving them airtime just tends to reinforce them instead of extinguishing them. If I can actually see something as a negative trait, then I take it as a personal challenge to get rid of it.
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#3
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
Since I've entered recovery, I've been upfront about my struggle with alcoholism, which is far and away my biggest character flaw. Others I'm working on, I'll discuss as they become pertinent.
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#4
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
(23rd October 2016, 21:38)Astreja Wrote: I generally try to keep negative traits in the background, mainly because giving them airtime just tends to reinforce them instead of extinguishing them.  If I can actually see something as a negative trait, then I take it as a personal challenge to get rid of it.


Yeah mine don't come out immediately but when I was pursuing a romantic relationship I made sure my challenges and issues were on the table as soon as reasonably possible. Part of what is good about a relationship is being known.  I figure I've made the best deal in terms of who I am with I what I have to work with by now. Why set up unrealistic expectations?  I don't do well with nagging so why set it up on purpose?  I like to say I don't come with a channel tuner, what I am is what you get.  At the same time I totally accept that my wife isn't in the world to be who I think she should be .. though it has been a struggle at times.  I think I've made progress in becoming less judgmental.
(16th February 2017, 18:16)TheOther JoeFish Wrote: So what you're saying is that I can harass all of the members I want for the next 168 hours, as long as I do so in my signature?
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#5
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
I tend to only talk about them with people in the context of what I'm working on to overcome them, because that sounds more positive than just complaining about parts of myself I don't like (as though other people can fix them for me).

If it's something I genuinely feel I can't deal with or don't know how to, I don't tend to air it unless it's a person I trust to help and give good advice.
"The liberation of the individual conscience from hierarchical and priestly authority opened up space for critical thinking in every field of human activity." - Ayaan Hirsi Ali

"Religious fanatics want people to switch off their own minds, ignore the evidence, and blindly follow a holy book based upon private 'revelation'. " - Richard Dawkins
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#6
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
I'm a stubborn son of a bitch.

I've been known to hold grudges for very long periods of time (somewhat ameliorating on that as my golden years approach, BTW)

I regards to addictions/addicts, I'm pretty tolerant of alcoholics (I'd better be, they put up with me), and those with other chemical addictions, but I admit to quite a bit of intolerance towards gambling addicts. And yeah, there have been alcoholics with gambling problems I've encountered. I really struggle with that to the extent I have to.

As for telling people, the grudge thing is of concern only to those in the crosshairs, and they tend to figure it out soon enough. I don't see the point in advertising the trait, but maybe I should?

As for the stubbornness, had some advice at 12 Steppers that went along the lines of stubbornness by itself is neither positive or negative, it falls to how we employ it. Frankly, it can be self-destructive. My lack of acceptance over the AIDS crisis was a tough row to hoe. (12 Steppers is big on acceptance, I've had an intense struggle with it, sufficient I rarely interact with newcomers out of concern for fucking up their recoveries. Some times on some subjects, I just dig in on, and I'm not going to be deflected.

"Your wife don't suck your dick like that does she?"



"Yeah, she does, and she gets it all over her fucking face. That's about a hundred dollar load, bud ."
























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#7
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
(23rd October 2016, 23:48)vorlon13 Wrote: As for telling people, the grudge thing is of concern only to those in the crosshairs, and they tend to figure it out soon enough.]


Precisely. 


(23rd October 2016, 23:48)vorlon13 Wrote: I don't see the point in advertising the trait, but maybe I should?

I'm with you on saving it for those in the cross hairs. No need to go through that for weekend fling. But once you're at the point where they seem like crosshairs material why work it out later? I mean, that's potentially a lot of unpleasantness and disappointment that could have been headed off. If it's a deal breaker, break it before anyone has to move furniture.


(23rd October 2016, 23:48)vorlon13 Wrote: As for the stubbornness, had some advice at 12 Steppers that went along the lines of stubbornness by itself is neither positive or negative, it falls to how we employ it.  Frankly, it can be self-destructive.  My lack of acceptance over the AIDS crisis was a tough row to hoe.  (12 Steppers is big on acceptance, I've had an intense struggle with it, sufficient I rarely interact with newcomers out of concern for fucking up their recoveries.  Some times on some subjects, I just dig in on, and I'm not going to be deflected.

So if it's a trait you want to change anyway, fine get them to help you if they can. But if your failure to do so is going to lead to bitchiness leading to furniture moving .. meh, nip it in the bud. Life's too short.
(16th February 2017, 18:16)TheOther JoeFish Wrote: So what you're saying is that I can harass all of the members I want for the next 168 hours, as long as I do so in my signature?
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#8
RE: Being Upfront About Our Negative Traits
(23rd October 2016, 23:48)vorlon13 Wrote: I'm a stubborn son of a bitch.

I've been known to hold grudges for very long periods of time (somewhat ameliorating on that as my golden years approach, BTW)

I regards to addictions/addicts, I'm pretty tolerant of alcoholics (I'd better be, they put up with me), and those with other chemical addictions, but I admit to quite a bit of intolerance towards gambling addicts. And yeah, there have been alcoholics with gambling problems I've encountered. I really struggle with that to the extent I have to.

As for telling people, the grudge thing is of concern only to those in the crosshairs, and they tend to figure it out soon enough. I don't see the point in advertising the trait, but maybe I should?

As for the stubbornness, had some advice at 12 Steppers that went along the lines of stubbornness by itself is neither positive or negative, it falls to how we employ it. Frankly, it can be self-destructive. My lack of acceptance over the AIDS crisis was a tough row to hoe. (12 Steppers is big on acceptance, I've had an intense struggle with it, sufficient I rarely interact with newcomers out of concern for fucking up their recoveries. Some times on some subjects, I just dig in on, and I'm not going to be deflected.

I suffer stubbornness myself. I don't like it in myself most times ... perhaps I need to refine my decision-making process when it comes to choosing my battles.
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