Phrases and idioms that trigger you.

[Ravenshire]

"karma is gonna get you"

-Teresa

I love this one for the look of consternation I get when I reply with "Tell that bitch she better bring a friend."

[Edwardo Piet]

Ha, what I hate is phrases that start with "I'm not a racist but [insert racism]". Or "I'm not homophobic but [insert homophobia]".

I mean, they're obviously bothersome because of the bigoted statements at the end. But the "I'm not an X but" prefix makes them extra annoying. There's literally no reason to say shit like that if you're not trying too hard to not seem the way you clearly are. Like, I've never once known a person prefix a statement with "I'm not an X but" without being an X. I can't imagine why the fuck anyone would say they were "not an X but" without being an X even if they did. Like does that even happen?

Let me try to do it. I'm not an alien from outer space but . . . I really like . . . I really can't. I mean Star wars is great.

See I'm lost for words, it doesn't fucking work.

I'm not a fucking bastard but I really like being really horrible on purpose. See that's a joke, I can't seriously state that.

Let me try again.

I'm not an awful person but I can't afford to give to charity.

See, that doesn't work either, I have to add the "can't afford" in because I can't honestly pretend to not care because I do.

How the fuck is anyone supposed to say "I'm not an X but" and make their statement seriously not represent them genuinely being an X? It's really fucking hard.

Hey! Let's play the I'm-Not-An-X-But-[insert-something-that-sounds-genuinely-nothing-like-an-X-and-still-makes-sense-and-seems-honest] game! I don't expect many winners.

If someone says they're not horrible they just can't afford to give to charity. I don't get why that doesn't work.

And I can think of loads of times when a statement like that could be used to clear up an anticipated misconception.

"I'm not a difficult boss to work for but I have to fire him for what he did as it comes under gross misconduct."

It could be used in this sense for an objection by the employee which has been anticipated by the employer.

" I'm not ultra picky when it comes to girls but I want them to at least have good teeth."

" I'm not a wild person but when you knew me I was going through phase of taking drugs, my personality was different. I'm actually quite sensible now."

The phrase "I'm not being funny but" annoys me, not because I don't think anyone could follow that with something reasonable. It's just because most people I know who use that phrase do follow it with something unreasonable. Most the time anyway.

LOL see none of those phrases sound honest or sensible. Why even mention that you're not a difficult boss to work for, or not ultra picky, or not a wild person in the first place? That's the point lol.

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Oh I have one of them. The one that triggers me (slightly) is when something turns out well for me and the response is something like "You see? Sometimes all you have to do is ask the universe!". It's not only retarded to think that the universe tried to help me out, but it's also retarded to assume that anything I did was me asking the universe. It's like no matter how much I can distance myself from the wooy bullshit some Neopagan moron can convince themselves that I asked the universe for a favor. Even saying that God helped me out seems more honest than pretending I asked for the universe. At least a theist can pretend that God helped me out out of kindness despite my disbelief in him, but to pretend that I fucking asked the universe for ANYTHING is so fucked up. It would be the equivalent of a theist telling me that many things I had said were in fact prayers to God despite my atheism. It's the equivalent to the phew theists who actually believe that atheism is impossible and EVERYONE believes in God, and atheists are in denial about their belief (there are theists who actually believe in this.What the fuck do they think new born babies think there's some SkyDaddy up there? But I digress).

Fuck "ask the universe" fuck it in the ass with a very appropriate ass-fucking device. Shit there's gotta be a word for those things. It's on the tip of my tongue. Begins with D.

Not a fan of Noel Edmonds then, I take it.

Yes. Yes I am not a fan of Noel Edmonds. He's a fucking arsehole wankerface.

He's described in this sketch quite well:

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I've had certain people asking if I feel like going to visit them, although they never visit me, and when I say I don't know they have said "well, just try". Yeah, I know they're meaning well and all that, but the implication that I'm not trying pisses me off to the atomic level. Same with suggestions that I'm choosing to feel the way I do. And they're the ones that act all butthurt when I ask them not to tell me what I feel.

We both share this trigger. In fact I already mentioned it in the OP

I fucking hate it when people tell me to just try or try harder or any of that bollocks.

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"karma is gonna get you"

-Teresa

I love this one for the look of consternation I get when I reply with "Tell that bitch she better bring a friend."

I mean for starters, it's a fucking miquote.

It's not "Karma is gonna get you", it's:

[Brian37]

Phrases that I go on a mental/metaphorical killing spree in my head only?

"First time in" especially in sports announcing. I fucking hate that shit. It becomes even more absurd if the last time was not that many months/years since. 

"It's been (this many years since)" I am fine with but if you won before then it was not the first time.

"My Bad"... I fucking hate that one too.

Every time I hear that I want to ask, "Did you purchase that "bad" at Walmart? Do you have a receipt for that "bad"?

"Best in town" doesn't piss me off but amuses me in adds, and I always ask myself "Well what the fuck else are you going to say? We suck?"

Mercedes Benz has an add out right now that is pissing me off(now again, mind you metaphorically only) 

Their motto in their new add campaign is "The best or nothing", well thank you assholes, thanks for shitting on everyone else who does not have the money to buy your vehicles. 

When I was a kid all the guys on my block got BMX bikes with mag rims and my mom bought me a Ross with metal spokes. I got teased and bullied for not having the more expensive bike so that Benz add really pisses me off.  I had a bike, and it worked just the same without the more expensive price.

[Cyberman]

By a quite astonishing conjunction of like minds that could lead one to believe in the existence of thought transference, some of my topmost pet peeves are contained within the confines of this short presentation:





Others that for some reason didn't appear to make the cut include:

• The word 'bunch' as a collective noun for literally every plural in existence.
  
• The word 'literally' used when you obviously aren't being literal.
  
• "10 items or less". I understand that commercial printing is expensive and the attention span of the average supermarket shopper probably isn't the greatest, but the correct word 'fewer' is only two letters and one syllable longer and wouldn't make me queue up with eleven items in my basket purely out of spite.
  
• That stupid heat-shrunk stiff plastic packaging that is impossible to open without access to tools and which leaves artery-slicing sharp edges even if you manage to do so. Particularly egregious items packed this way include scissors, which require even sharper scissors to enable you to access the scissors you bought because you didn't have any scissors in the first place.
  
• Adverts crafted and staged precisely to engender as much murderous irritation as is inhumanly possible. I'm thinking - or rather, trying not to think -of that ridiculously annoying 'Go Compare' abomination, which research leads me to understand qualifies as a hate crime. There's a clear line between memorable, which is obviously what they're aiming for, and deeply unpleasant, which is what they keep hitting. And which makes me want to do the same to my television.
  

I'll probably think of a few more later.

[paulpablo]

If someone says they're not horrible they just can't afford to give to charity. I don't get why that doesn't work.

And I can think of loads of times when a statement like that could be used to clear up an anticipated misconception.

"I'm not a difficult boss to work for but I have to fire him for what he did as it comes under gross misconduct."

It could be used in this sense for an objection by the employee which has been anticipated by the employer.

" I'm not ultra picky when it comes to girls but I want them to at least have good teeth."

" I'm not a wild person but when you knew me I was going through phase of taking drugs, my personality was different. I'm actually quite sensible now."

The phrase "I'm not being funny but" annoys me, not because I don't think anyone could follow that with something reasonable. It's just because most people I know who use that phrase do follow it with something unreasonable. Most the time anyway.

LOL see none of those phrases sound honest or sensible. Why even mention that you're not a difficult boss to work for, or not ultra picky, or not a wild person in the first place? That's the point lol.

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Each of those phrases could be honest and sensible.  The reason behind the statement being an anticipated inaccurate conclusion.

The first one the boss could be talking to someone who doesn't understand all of the companies work policies and therefore he's making it clear to them that the firing was justified and based on policy and procedure, rather than any sort of harsh decision made by the boss.  This would help his reputation as a reasonable boss while at the same time as teaching someone about what the policy and procedure of the work place includes. 

The second instance could be of a guy who said to his friend that he rejected this girl because of her teeth, his friend said "wow you're picky" and he's just explaining that he isn't picky but at a bare minimum he does want a girl who has nice teeth.

The third person is just explaining that they have changed over the years, nothing really complex about that. This kind of thing happens, people change, and they have to explain to people who used to know them when they were different that they have changed.  

I personally do know people who say "I'm not x but ....." and with those specific people I think ok, you're about to say something that confirms that you are X.

But I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water.  Some people use that kind of phrase and use it badly but I think to say it could never be used sensibly or honestly is taking it a bit far.

[Edwardo Piet]

Anticipating an inaccurate conclusion because overdefensive because compensating for the fact that one is what one is saying one isn't!

I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm not saying it couldn't in theory, be said. But I'm saying I've never seen it from someone who very clearly wasn't that thing... It sounds so ridiculous to say.

I've only ever seen racists say "I'm not a racist but . . . " for example. And being anticipated as being wrongly thought of as a racist . . . that kind of pattern doesn't arise regularly if you're a non-racist

I've never been thought of as a racist in my life. Why the fuck would any non-racist bother to preface things with "I'm a not a racist but".

I'm not saying any of those sorts of statements are impossible to be honest. It's just very implausible.

[Cod]

Anticipating an inaccurate conclusion because overdefensive because compensating for the fact that one is what one is saying one isn't!

I'm not saying it's impossible. I'm not saying it couldn't in theory, be said. But I'm saying I've never seen it from someone who very clearly wasn't that thing... It sounds so ridiculous to say.

Yes I concur, never being under that subject loses ones inability to giraffe the frog helmet.

That said, I always see both sides of the ice lolly.

[Edwardo Piet]

My four sided triangle agrees with your munchkin sensibilities in spite of your spite-nosed turkey-balk.

[Fireball]

My four sided triangle agrees with your munchkin sensibilities in spite of your spite-nosed turkey-balk.

BUT HE'S WEARING A CODFISH OUTFIT1!1

[AFTT47]

"Bleeding Heart" really pisses me off. Yeah, I have compassion for other living beings. Don't like it? Go fuck your mother, you worthless cocksucker!

"Tree Hugger" is another one of those that makes me want to pick up a double-bladed axe. What part of the fact that we are biological beings dependent on the biosphere to survive have you missed, you mindless fucking idiot?

"Liberal" is maybe my favorite. Yeah, you're goddamed right I'm a liberal! I'm one of those people who actually contributes to advancing society. You can thank people like me for the fact that we're not still living in caves and that you conservative morons have a forum like the internet which you can use to spread your anti-science idiocy. If the irony is too much for you to understand, try to send your idiot fucking stupidity with smoke signals.