Science, the Bible and Satan
November 14, 2017 at 8:29 pm
(This post was last modified: November 14, 2017 at 10:06 pm by Haipule.)
My real name is William McCoy. Before you read this I want to apologize for taking a comedy writing class in college. It was great fun to write and I hope you all: Atheists, Agnostics, Theists of all kinds and Christians enjoy it!
"In [the] beginning (2)God(Elohim) (1)(He-)created(bara)(verb before noun, constructive sequence) (3-)belonging to the heavens (universe first) and-belonging to the earth" (the universe is much older than the earth). Gen 1:1 NASB
So between the perfection of “bara” in Gen 1:1 and the “waste place” of Gen 1:2 there is an unspecified period of time known theologically as, “the GAP”.
I spoke to Satan about the “GAP” and I will try to translate for you. Luckily, I speak a little "street angel".
First of all, Satan’s name is Louis Cifer. He goes by “Lou”. So I said;
Well, I'll tell you what he said but first we must understand his thinking. He's a very abstract thinker. What does that mean? Well, it’s kinda hard to explain. You know the word righteous? Well, the abstract of righteous is righteousness. Are ya with me so far?
The first word to understand is his “proud-hoser-ness”. I know that that is hard to wrap your brain around. Maybe if I shorten it to “proudness” or, how about “P-ness”. Do you all agree that Satan’s “P-ness” cannot possibly be any smaller? That is what he screws you with, his “P-ness”. Do not be a sucker of his “P-ness” or he will just screw with your head!
The second word to understand is his “arrogant-women-attacking-babykiller-ness”. That is how he dumps on you.
We'll call it his “A-ness“. Now, don’t screw with his “A-ness” or he will dump on you!
The third word to understand is his “great-hoser-ness”.
So Satan is a “P-ness” who is actually an “A-ness” who thinks he's a “G-ness”!
Conclusion: Satan is a loser, proud @#$%ing little prick, arrogant, women attacking, babykiller ass hole, who thinks he's a great @#$%ing genius!
So, between the #1 of his “P-ness” and #2 of his “A-ness” we have the GAP.
So, remember it's abstract: spell his P-A-G right to left (as in Hebrew) the read left to right (as in English) and that is the GAP fact or GAPness of Satan! Please keep these things in mind as you read the rest of our conversation.
Q: What’s with all the U.F.O.s people have reported seeing around the globe?
A: "U.F.O.S. are actually Universe Flyable Outpatient Space-labs, we use them for
conducting genetic and anatomical experiments".
Q: Why?
A: "We are getting the beast ready for his introduction into history so; we had to build the UFO's to prefect our technology, as we no longer can conduct these experiments on earth."
Q: It appears then Lou Sir that you are having a lot of problems with the anus.
A: "Yes, that is unfortunate, I really want to put the whole stinking mess behind me and wipe myself clean of the whole tissue I mean, issue. All these anal probes have been bearing down on me. The anus has proven to be more than a pain in the ass.”
Q: What do you do with your creatures? How do you test them?
A: “We let them loose in SE Alaska and monitor them from our UFO’s to see if they can function. You call them “Sasquatch” or “Bigfoot”.
Q: I see. You are testing them to see if they will have a bowel movement.
A: “Yes, that is why you cannot find their dung but when you do, know then that the time is short!”
Q: How does Bigfoot equate to the “Beast” of the book of Revelation?
A: “When it is ready, it will procreate with a human female. The thing begotten will then be part angel, part beast, and part man--the Beast, a ‘Super’ with super powers!”
Q: How can it procreate?
A: “It is part angel. We angels are all males and have polypollinating sperm. We have the ability to procreate with, and then cross, any living thing--plants, fish, animals and humans.” Your scientists call it, “macroevolution”.
Q: So you view the earth as a sex toy?
A: “No, the earth is our place where we conduct and have conducted our genetic experiments. I said, “I will be like the Most High’, and I will prove it!’”
Q: As soon as you can figure out that anus crap.
A: “Yes”
Q: What do you need the Beast for if you have “polypollinating sperm”?
A: “As of Genesis chapter 6 we are no longer allowed, by God, to procreate with humans or anything else. So that has necessitated the Beast concept.”
Q: Oh, I see, you have been doing genetic experiments since Genesis chapter 6 when you created the Nephilim half-angel, half-man race, which necessitated the flood of Noah’s day because you corrupted the human race, except for Noah and his family.
Gen 6:2 NASB: that the sons of God (In the OT “sons of God” refers to angels, in the NT, “sons of God” refers to trustworthy-ones, you and I) saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose.
A: “Actually for much longer than that.”
Q: What do you mean, “much longer”?
A: “As you have figured out, we angels were made by God before the universe was made.”
Job 38:7 NASB: When the morning stars sang together And all the sons of God (angels) shouted for joy? (in context: referring to the creation of the universe).
Q: What happened? How did you fall?
A: “Rising to the rank of Four Winged Anointed Cherub Who Covers, I saw how God ruled the universe and I said to myself, “I can do that”. To prove that I could not, God made the earth and gave us creatures to rule.”
Q: What where those creatures?
A: “Lizards.”
Q: Lizards!?
A: “Yes, lizards. And we immediately went to work creating bigger and better lizards, which you call dinosaurs, in our genetic labs, so I could prove my point that I will be like the Most High.” We are Draconian and made them in our image. Since, as you know, I am called a “dragon” and “serpent” in the bible.
Q: Are you saying that you @$%&ed a gecko and out popped a brontosaurus?
A: “No, actually it took many years of experimentation in our labs using our polypollinating sperm.”
Q: “Oh my God! So an evolutionary selection did take place, as observed by science, but it was not a “natural selection” but rather, a very “unnatural selection”!
A: “Precisely.”
Q: What did you do with your millions and millions of failed experiments?
A: “We discarded them. Today you call them ‘oil fields’ and it is where you get your oil to make gasoline to run your cars.”
Q: What happened to the dinosaurs?
Q; Well, thank you very much for that Lou Sir!
Q: Smaller?
A: “Yes”
Q: But, what happened to the dinosaurs?
Q: Then what happened?
A: “After the dust settled God gave us mammals.”
Q: So it’s true then, dinosaurs and mammals did not exist at the same time.
A: “Correct”
Q: So then you did some “monkey lovin’”.
A: “No, then we continued our genetic experiments with mammals.”
A: “Correct.”
Q: What happened to the mammals?
Q: Then what happened?
Q: Oh, that’s why we find sea shells on mountain tops!
A: “Yes, it’s very sad.”
Q: Then what happened?
Q: You just couldn’t leave it alone could you? You just had to go and screw the whole thing up!
A: “Muuahhahhahhahhah, I WILL BE LIKE THE MOST HIGH!”
Q: Dude, that’s pretty creepy.
Well that 'splains everything. The rest is history.
--William McCoy
"In [the] beginning (2)God(Elohim) (1)(He-)created(bara)(verb before noun, constructive sequence) (3-)belonging to the heavens (universe first) and-belonging to the earth" (the universe is much older than the earth). Gen 1:1 NASB
bara: to create from, and through, Word: to speak or, to command into existence through Word--Vacuum Mechanics: energy transference. It does not mean ex nilio "from nothing".
"And the earth became formless and void…” Gen 1:2
Noun before verb, disjunctive sequence between Genisis1:1 and Genesis 1:2. Therefore, hayah should be translated as became. It is not ‘verb before noun’ which is, in Hebrew syntax, a constructive sequence, then was would be correct. hayah in this case should be translated according to proper Hebrew syntax as became as it is translated elsewhere in the bible in disjunction, not as was.
He established it and did not create it [a] waste place. Ish 45:18b NASB
Same Hebrew word as in Gen 1:2. God does not make “formless and void”. Perfect God can only make a perfect universe.
If you, as a Jew, think that Moses “creation” account is allegory, or a “fairy tale”, then the same writer of Scripture who established the creation account and also established the Jew’s as a people and a nation, is also a fairy tale!
So between the perfection of “bara” in Gen 1:1 and the “waste place” of Gen 1:2 there is an unspecified period of time known theologically as, “the GAP”.
I spoke to Satan about the “GAP” and I will try to translate for you. Luckily, I speak a little "street angel".
First of all, Satan’s name is Louis Cifer. He goes by “Lou”. So I said;
Q: Lou Cifer,… and immediately he pulls a "Nancy Pelosi-Colonel Jessup" on me and said;
A: "I did not rise to the rank of a 4 wing anointed cherub who covers, deceive Eve, take the authority from Adam and rule the world for 6,000 years just so you can call me “Lou”’. You call me Lou Sir! I know I’ve earned it!"
Q: Whoa!! "K’den Lou Sir(pronounce the “S” like a “Z”, he, he ,he), can you tell me about the time we call the GAP”’?
Well, I'll tell you what he said but first we must understand his thinking. He's a very abstract thinker. What does that mean? Well, it’s kinda hard to explain. You know the word righteous? Well, the abstract of righteous is righteousness. Are ya with me so far?
The first word to understand is his “proud-hoser-ness”. I know that that is hard to wrap your brain around. Maybe if I shorten it to “proudness” or, how about “P-ness”. Do you all agree that Satan’s “P-ness” cannot possibly be any smaller? That is what he screws you with, his “P-ness”. Do not be a sucker of his “P-ness” or he will just screw with your head!
The second word to understand is his “arrogant-women-attacking-babykiller-ness”. That is how he dumps on you.
The third word to understand is his “great-hoser-ness”.
So Satan is a “P-ness” who is actually an “A-ness” who thinks he's a “G-ness”!
Conclusion: Satan is a loser, proud @#$%ing little prick, arrogant, women attacking, babykiller ass hole, who thinks he's a great @#$%ing genius!
So, between the #1 of his “P-ness” and #2 of his “A-ness” we have the GAP.
So, remember it's abstract: spell his P-A-G right to left (as in Hebrew) the read left to right (as in English) and that is the GAP fact or GAPness of Satan! Please keep these things in mind as you read the rest of our conversation.
Q: What’s with all the U.F.O.s people have reported seeing around the globe?
A: "U.F.O.S. are actually Universe Flyable Outpatient Space-labs, we use them for
conducting genetic and anatomical experiments".
Q: Why?
A: "We are getting the beast ready for his introduction into history so; we had to build the UFO's to prefect our technology, as we no longer can conduct these experiments on earth."
Q: It appears then Lou Sir that you are having a lot of problems with the anus.
A: "Yes, that is unfortunate, I really want to put the whole stinking mess behind me and wipe myself clean of the whole tissue I mean, issue. All these anal probes have been bearing down on me. The anus has proven to be more than a pain in the ass.”
Q: What do you do with your creatures? How do you test them?
A: “We let them loose in SE Alaska and monitor them from our UFO’s to see if they can function. You call them “Sasquatch” or “Bigfoot”.
Q: I see. You are testing them to see if they will have a bowel movement.
A: “Yes, that is why you cannot find their dung but when you do, know then that the time is short!”
Q: How does Bigfoot equate to the “Beast” of the book of Revelation?
A: “When it is ready, it will procreate with a human female. The thing begotten will then be part angel, part beast, and part man--the Beast, a ‘Super’ with super powers!”
Q: How can it procreate?
A: “It is part angel. We angels are all males and have polypollinating sperm. We have the ability to procreate with, and then cross, any living thing--plants, fish, animals and humans.” Your scientists call it, “macroevolution”.
Q: So you view the earth as a sex toy?
A: “No, the earth is our place where we conduct and have conducted our genetic experiments. I said, “I will be like the Most High’, and I will prove it!’”
Q: As soon as you can figure out that anus crap.
A: “Yes”
Q: What do you need the Beast for if you have “polypollinating sperm”?
A: “As of Genesis chapter 6 we are no longer allowed, by God, to procreate with humans or anything else. So that has necessitated the Beast concept.”
Q: Oh, I see, you have been doing genetic experiments since Genesis chapter 6 when you created the Nephilim half-angel, half-man race, which necessitated the flood of Noah’s day because you corrupted the human race, except for Noah and his family.
Gen 6:2 NASB: that the sons of God (In the OT “sons of God” refers to angels, in the NT, “sons of God” refers to trustworthy-ones, you and I) saw that the daughters of men were beautiful; and they took wives for themselves, whomever they chose.
Gen 6:4 NASB: The Nephilim (half-man, half-angel) were on the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God (angels) came in to the daughters of men (and had sex with them), and they bore children to them (the Nephilim). Those were the mighty men who were of old, men of renown.
A: “Actually for much longer than that.”
Q: What do you mean, “much longer”?
A: “As you have figured out, we angels were made by God before the universe was made.”
Job 38:7 NASB: When the morning stars sang together And all the sons of God (angels) shouted for joy? (in context: referring to the creation of the universe).
Q: What happened? How did you fall?
A: “Rising to the rank of Four Winged Anointed Cherub Who Covers, I saw how God ruled the universe and I said to myself, “I can do that”. To prove that I could not, God made the earth and gave us creatures to rule.”
Q: What where those creatures?
A: “Lizards.”
Q: Lizards!?
A: “Yes, lizards. And we immediately went to work creating bigger and better lizards, which you call dinosaurs, in our genetic labs, so I could prove my point that I will be like the Most High.” We are Draconian and made them in our image. Since, as you know, I am called a “dragon” and “serpent” in the bible.
Q: Are you saying that you @$%&ed a gecko and out popped a brontosaurus?
A: “No, actually it took many years of experimentation in our labs using our polypollinating sperm.”
Q: “Oh my God! So an evolutionary selection did take place, as observed by science, but it was not a “natural selection” but rather, a very “unnatural selection”!
A: “Precisely.”
Q: What did you do with your millions and millions of failed experiments?
A: “We discarded them. Today you call them ‘oil fields’ and it is where you get your oil to make gasoline to run your cars.”
Q: What happened to the dinosaurs?
A: “Dinosaurs, like their relative lizard, are cold blooded creatures and need a temperature between 65-85 degrees to survive. They were too big to burrow into holes to keep warm. Back then, the whole earth was a constant temperature as there was a lens of water over the earth and there was no weather and no polar ice caps. This lens of water not only kept the whole earth at approximately the same temperature but, it also acted as a hyperbaric chamber. Which is why, before the flood that destroyed the Nephilim in Genesis 6, men lived much longer than they do now, as the waters are no longer separated.”
A: “Hey, a devils got to do what a devils got to do! Also, the earth was smaller then with less gravity so our creatures, which were indifferent growers, could get quite large living so long.”
Q: Smaller?
A: “Yes”
Q: But, what happened to the dinosaurs?
A: “As you know from Genesis, God did not originally make animals carnivorous. Yet, some of our creations were carnivorous. They also became too populace and started to destroy the earth so, God sent a giant meteor unto the earth which caused the first winter and destroyed all that we had done.”
Q: Then what happened?
A: “After the dust settled God gave us mammals.”
Q: So it’s true then, dinosaurs and mammals did not exist at the same time.
A: “Correct”
Q: So then you did some “monkey lovin’”.
A: “No, then we continued our genetic experiments with mammals.”
Q: So that’s why we only find bones of actual forms and not millions of “‘tweener” bones because the evolutionary selection was unnatural, and not natural but, evolution did indeed exist, as observed by science, because of your experiments--much like modern day dog breeders!
A: “Correct.”
Q: What happened to the mammals?
A: “They were always fighting each other so God just stopped it one day by encapsulating the whole earth in ice. Science calls it “Snowball Earth”. That happened about 7,000 years ago. It lasted approximately 1,000 years. God just turned out the lights of the universe one day and it became dark and cold and the whole earth froze. Everything died! Except for seeds or anything dormant in the ice”
Q: Then what happened?
A: “God then brought down our high places and rose up our low places so that nearly all that we have done and built have been buried forever, subducted under subduction zones and spit up on volcanoes.
Q: Oh, that’s why we find sea shells on mountain tops!
A: “Yes, it’s very sad.”
Q: Then what happened?
A: “The earth was formless and void and became a waste place frozen in ice, not as God had originally made it. Then one day, about a thousand years later, God breathed on the earth a living breath and the waters began to flow. Then He turned the lights of the universe back on. He just said, “light be!”, and light was! Then He spent the next few days making an amazing paradise, the likes of which we had never seen before. God accomplished in a few days, what we could not accomplish in many, many years! Then He made man out of the dust of the earth which has immortal plant stem cells now callus and put him in the paradise of God--Eden. Adam was truly a spectacular creature compared to our work and experiments, and Eve, oh my God Eve, now she was absolutely spectacular!
Comment: So what you’re saying is: God can create maturity. So that, no matter how many rings a tree has, it is still newly made! Therefore, how old was Adam as newly formed--what 30 or maybe, 33 years old? How old was Eve on her day one--what 13? (It's just a joke!)
Q: But you continued your experiments up to the flood of Noah’s day.
A: Yes, and then the water started to come out of the Earth and the lens of water above came down and flooded the entire earth and killed our beloved Pan! When the cool water receded and went back into the Earth. Then the Earth expanded like popcorn to its present size and now you have vast oceans, plate tectonics and high magnetism. Science calls it “Expanding Earth Theory”.
Q: You just couldn’t leave it alone could you? You just had to go and screw the whole thing up!
A: “Muuahhahhahhahhah, I WILL BE LIKE THE MOST HIGH!”
Q: Dude, that’s pretty creepy.
Well that 'splains everything. The rest is history.
--William McCoy
