Divorce questions/thoughts

[AFTT47]

Why get divorced?  Honestly it sounds like you get along with your wife in everyway but sexually. She's given you permission to meet your sexual needs elsewhere, presumably while staying married.

Why not just do That! Newsflash, you don't need to have all your needs met by one person. Tell your wife you want to have a consensual affair, which she said was okay, stay married and go meet the new (Or rather old) fling. It seems to be what everyone wants.

I agree with this totally. Just because the "norm" is that married couples relate in a certain way doesn't mean it needs to be that way. Your wife is a good, compatible partner who just isn't into sex and is okay with you getting that elsewhere. The biggest hickup I see is that your old flame will not be okay with the arrangement. It's always possible that your wife won't really be okay with it either but I'm inclined to believe her. If it was a case of you just sucking in bed, she would have been the one filing for divorce long ago. She hasn't because it's a non-issue for her. She's asexual.

There's nothing wrong with non-standard relationships between consenting adults.

Honestly, I find the whole concept of "cheating" to be a bit immature. Regardless of arrangement, you never have ownership of another human being. I think it's a bit unrealistic in most cases because of human nature. In this particular case when the woman is apparently asexual and has given verbal consent, this shouldn't even be an issue.

Legally, it's another matter. The legal system in the United States is incredibly archaic. Judges are addressed as, "your honor", court buildings are built with pillars for support to honor ancient traditions and the whole thing is offensively pompous. It is not an arena where progressive ideas are well received. In order to legally protect yourself, well - you might want to get legal counsel first.

Still, talk to your wife and see if you can preserve a good thing in such a way you are both happy. If not, then go for the divorce. Neither of you should be a slave to convention though. Who the hell is society to create these artificial boxes such as friend, lover, spouse, etc. and insist that any relationship conform to one of those boxes? Consenting adults should feel free to make their own boxes.

[Shell B]

How is the concept of cheating immature if two people agree not to do it? It’s nonsense from people who like to pass the buck for their bad behavior. Cheating has risks for your regular partner. Expecting fidelity is not the same as claiming ownership. If you can’t be faithful, what’s the point of promising to be faithful?

---

My best friend is a dominatrix who has never had anything but an open relationship. Judging by how many like-minded friends she has, it's very common and not necessarily very complicated. It just has to be everyone's decision. For me, it would be him lying to me that hurt me more than the sex.


I disagree. It's a good reason to reconsider the marriage or ask for an open relationship, but it's not a good enough reason to cheat. Cheating is super duper shitty.

Well asking is obviously the best option for him. I mean, there doesn't seem much downside to it. However forcing someone to be monogamous and then not putting out (for years!) If there is a justification for cheating, it's that.

Yeah, I don't think so, but that's just how I feel personally. I think it's a perfectly good justification for leaving the relationship. I'm not okay with cheating. There are consequences other than emotional.

No, obviously not. But he has talked to her about trying to have more sex multiple times. So it's hard to fault him if he were just getting laid every once in a while. Of course that's not what's happening here. He's having (Or about to have) a romantic affair,  which is really worst case scenario.

I'd fault him. Decisions like that have to be mutual in a relationship. He doesn't like her parameters, he should leave the relationship. It's pretty simple in my mind. I have to agree, a romantic affair is a bad choice. Things can get sooo ugly.

[Kosh]

Why get divorced?  Honestly it sounds like you get along with your wife in everyway but sexually. She's given you permission to meet your sexual needs elsewhere, presumably while staying married.

Why not just do That! Newsflash, you don't need to have all your needs met by one person. Tell your wife you want to have a consensual affair, which she said was okay, stay married and go meet the new (Or rather old) fling. It seems to be what everyone wants.

I agree with this totally. Just because the "norm" is that married couples relate in a certain way doesn't mean it needs to be that way. Your wife is a good, compatible partner who just isn't into sex and is okay with you getting that elsewhere. The biggest hickup I see is that your old flame will not be okay with the arrangement. It's always possible that your wife won't really be okay with it either but I'm inclined to believe her. If it was a case of you just sucking in bed, she would have been the one filing for divorce long ago. She hasn't because it's a non-issue for her. She's asexual.

There's nothing wrong with non-standard relationships between consenting adults.

Honestly, I find the whole concept of "cheating" to be a bit immature. Regardless of arrangement, you never have ownership of another human being. I think it's a bit unrealistic in most cases because of human nature. In this particular case when the woman is apparently asexual and has given verbal consent, this shouldn't even be an issue.

Legally, it's another matter. The legal system in the United States is incredibly archaic. Judges are addressed as, "your honor", court buildings are built with pillars for support to honor ancient traditions and the whole thing is offensively pompous. It is not an arena where progressive ideas are well received. In order to legally protect yourself, well - you might want to get legal counsel first.

Still, talk to your wife and see if you can preserve a good thing in such a way you are both happy. If not, then go for the divorce. Neither of you should be a slave to convention though. Who the hell is society to create these artificial boxes such as friend, lover, spouse, etc. and insist that any relationship conform to one of those boxes? Consenting adults should feel free to make their own boxes.

It's been awhile since I've posted.

I'm certainly not against non-standard relationships for those who want that, but honestly I'm a bit of a traditionalist here. 

I'm not afraid of a divorce.  I live in a no-fault equitable distribution state.  Nobody is taking anyone to the cleaners no matter what the reason for the divorce is.  We both have professional careers with similar earning abilities.  If anything, she would need to pay me.  I put her through school first and she has a bigger retirement stash since she's been in her career longer.  Zero of this has any bearings on my feelings.  I'm just tossing this out since people think I'm setting myself to be ruined financially.

Losing her income will change my lifestyle, but honestly it might be for the best.  We both spend stupidly frivolous, and I've begun to think that buying "stuff" was just a piss poor way to gain some happiness.   I few months ago we took 10 garbage bags full of her shoes and cloths to Goodwill.  All of which were purchased in the past five years.  She just needed room in her closet for new stuff.  I'm just as bad when it comes to audio equipment, computers, and gadgets.

Health is another concern.  Our entire social life together revolves around going to restaurants, finding new stuff to eat, having a bunch of cocktails, going home and going to sleep.  I was a typical middle-aged overweight diabetic slug.  In the past six weeks I've dropped 30 pounds and six inches off my waist.  My labs are absolutely perfect now.  I'm alternating weight training and cardio.  I want to drop another 20 lbs.  I've gone out to eat with my wife a couple times over the past month, and she absolutely hates me now as a dinner partner now.  I usually have a single vodka martini.  She wants to drink, but not alone.  So she keeps trying to get me to have more.  Having a social relationship that revolves solely around eating and drinking is done for me.

My old flame?  She is a cancer survivor.  She lives a simple lifestyle, is extremely active, and eats clean.  At 50 this sounds very appealing.

My marriage and my old flame are two separate topics in my mind.  I've fully decided to ask for a divorce by spring at the latest.  It's a bitch moving when its 20 below, and we are simply roommates anyways.  No issue cohabitating for another three months.  I'm meeting my old flame in less than two weeks.  We have a date planned to go cross country skiing, walk through an ice castle, and take a drive in the country.  A very different outing than what I'm used to.  I'll have more to report back in a couple weeks.

[Shell B]

Wow, your wife is really getting the better end of the deal in this divorce. I’m happy for her.

[Whateverist]

I agree with this totally. Just because the "norm" is that married couples relate in a certain way doesn't mean it needs to be that way. Your wife is a good, compatible partner who just isn't into sex and is okay with you getting that elsewhere. The biggest hickup I see is that your old flame will not be okay with the arrangement. It's always possible that your wife won't really be okay with it either but I'm inclined to believe her. If it was a case of you just sucking in bed, she would have been the one filing for divorce long ago. She hasn't because it's a non-issue for her. She's asexual.

There's nothing wrong with non-standard relationships between consenting adults.

Honestly, I find the whole concept of "cheating" to be a bit immature. Regardless of arrangement, you never have ownership of another human being. I think it's a bit unrealistic in most cases because of human nature. In this particular case when the woman is apparently asexual and has given verbal consent, this shouldn't even be an issue.

Legally, it's another matter. The legal system in the United States is incredibly archaic. Judges are addressed as, "your honor", court buildings are built with pillars for support to honor ancient traditions and the whole thing is offensively pompous. It is not an arena where progressive ideas are well received. In order to legally protect yourself, well - you might want to get legal counsel first.

Still, talk to your wife and see if you can preserve a good thing in such a way you are both happy. If not, then go for the divorce. Neither of you should be a slave to convention though. Who the hell is society to create these artificial boxes such as friend, lover, spouse, etc. and insist that any relationship conform to one of those boxes? Consenting adults should feel free to make their own boxes.

It's been awhile since I've posted.

I'm certainly not against non-standard relationships for those who want that, but honestly I'm a bit of a traditionalist here. 

I'm not afraid of a divorce.  I live in a no-fault equitable distribution state.  Nobody is taking anyone to the cleaners no matter what the reason for the divorce is.  We both have professional careers with similar earning abilities.  If anything, she would need to pay me.  I put her through school first and she has a bigger retirement stash since she's been in her career longer.  Zero of this has any bearings on my feelings.  I'm just tossing this out since people think I'm setting myself to be ruined financially.

Losing her income will change my lifestyle, but honestly it might be for the best.  We both spend stupidly frivolous, and I've begun to think that buying "stuff" was just a piss poor way to gain some happiness.   I few months ago we took 10 garbage bags full of her shoes and cloths to Goodwill.  All of which were purchased in the past five years.  She just needed room in her closet for new stuff.  I'm just as bad when it comes to audio equipment, computers, and gadgets.

Health is another concern.  Our entire social life together revolves around going to restaurants, finding new stuff to eat, having a bunch of cocktails, going home and going to sleep.  I was a typical middle-aged overweight diabetic slug.  In the past six weeks I've dropped 30 pounds and six inches off my waist.  My labs are absolutely perfect now.  I'm alternating weight training and cardio.  I want to drop another 20 lbs.  I've gone out to eat with my wife a couple times over the past month, and she absolutely hates me now as a dinner partner now.  I usually have a single vodka martini.  She wants to drink, but not alone.  So she keeps trying to get me to have more.  Having a social relationship that revolves solely around eating and drinking is done for me.

My old flame?  She is a cancer survivor.  She lives a simple lifestyle, is extremely active, and eats clean.  At 50 this sounds very appealing.

My marriage and my old flame are two separate topics in my mind.  I've fully decided to ask for a divorce by spring at the latest.  It's a bitch moving when its 20 below, and we are simply roommates anyways.  No issue cohabitating for another three months.  I'm meeting my old flame in less than two weeks.  We have a date planned to go cross country skiing, walk through an ice castle, and take a drive in the country.  A very different outing than what I'm used to.  I'll have more to report back in a couple weeks.

I applaud your weight loss and lifestyle improvements.  It does seem your wife doesn't share your enthusiasm for change or support yours, at least not in her desire to keep you on as a drinking chum.  I wish you all the best going forward.

[Amarok]

Till Polygamy is legal i will never marry. I refuse to only call one of my girls my wife .

[henryp]

Waiting until the spring to ask for a divorce because moving in the winter is too cold isn't not telling.

[Seraphina]

I had a response typed and it disappeared - hate it when that happens lol.
Anyway, you'll need to find your own way; I think you've already made your mind up about what to do.
Having been out in the dating world with a few men who were in various stages of relationship breakups, I can say that dating someone who still has one foot in their prior relationship is no picnic and those dating relationships have always ended quickly.
Your old flame deserves your full attention, not a partner who is distracted by the unfinished business of ending their long term marriage.

Regardless, kudos to you to getting your physical health back. Being healthy will go a long way toward helping you make wise decisions and I hope everything works out for you.

-Teresa