Divorce questions/thoughts

[pocaracas]

And in that regard, I echo what others have said. If you decide to play offside before divorce, you will get destroyed in court.

Why would people go to court for a divorce?
Is that a murrican thing?

I think, around here, it only makes it to court if both parties don't agree on some specifics on what's to be split up.
But that separation of goods is generally understood pretty much from the moment you get married.
There are 3 (actually 4) possibilities when you get married:
- communion of acquired goods > (the normal case) where whatever each one owned, prior to the marriage, remains that person's sole property; and whatever is acquired during the union belongs to both and needs to be cut in half upon divorce.

- full communion > Where everything both parties already own turn into shared ownership and everything gets cut in half in case of a divorce.

- No communion > There is no shared ownership of anything... nothing to cut up in case of divorce.

-- On top of these, there are variations that can be introduced and fall under the umbrella of what you'd call a prenuptial agreement.

Of course people can still disagree on the specifics (like on how to break in half the couple's largest shared possession, their home), but things are pretty well defined coming in... For the most part, I see no need for a court, much less attorney fees.... much less to getting destroyed... what does that even mean?





@Kosh, from what I understand, there are regional variations on the best way to handle these things. Where are you from?

[KittyAnn]

...and i think that you have already made your decision, all of the above.. your statements confirm it ... and now you are looking for confirmation from others
but honestly ... this is not a good way, but unfortunately we all do the same.. we're afraid to make a decision ourselves!
anyway, good luck!!

[henryp]

The marriage/sex counseling stuff seems like something you'd want to give a whirl if it hasn't already been whirled.

I'd bet her perspective on the matter is a lot more complicated than "I'm just not in the mood." Especially if she's saying you can go fuck someone else and she's fine with that. Seems a bit like a cry for help. On more than one occasion womenfolk have been known to be more complicated than 'wants to fuck me' vs. 'doesn't want to fuck me.'

[Shell B]

I'm not telling my wife about the other woman. I think their is enough cause for a divorce without saying, "I found someone else". The other woman is not the reason my wife and I have only been intimate twice in the last 10 years.

This is where I can't side with you at all. You think her not having sex with you is an okay reason to lie and have an affair while you're still married? Testing the waters to see how it works out before you finalize it with her? You do realize that there are medical conditions that could cause her to have a low libido or maybe she thinks your sack skills are lacking and prefers her vibrator? IMO, "I found someone else" should never be a factor in a divorce. No one should be finding anyone else without explicitly breaking up or having rules that you can find someone else until it is finalized. Sounds like you might be doing her favor by sending her some divorce papers now before you start testing the water. This is indefensible behavior in a typical marriage, even a sexless one.

[Catholic_Lady]

Well I guess since you asked for opinions, here is my, probably unpopular around here, opinion...

Best option: Go to counseling and fight for your marriage. See a sexologist as well. She's not treating you badly, she's not abusive, she's not cheating on you, you claim to get along well. So, with those in place, stick with her "through better or worse" of the rest of it. You know, like you promised.

Crappy option: Divorce your best friend of 25 years because sex is lacking.

Crappiest option of them all: cheat on her.

[Shell B]

The logic here seems like: I got in shape, so like I deserve sex. She's not giving it to me, so she deserves to be cheated on. Shitty. I believe you should get a divorce if you're not happy. That's fine. The cheating part because you think for some reason you deserve some side ass is the problem. I hope she finds out so she can divorce you.

[Whateverist]

Got to go along with C_L and Shell. You got yourself into a trusting, honest and caring relationship. The only question now is do you want to betray it? If you don't and you want to change/end your existing relationship, go ahead. But do that first.

[Edwardo Piet]

I mean, just go to the bedroom, get naked, make out, and put the P in the V. I imagine there's a deeper issue as to why it isn't happening?

My bold.

Great (!) I'm blaming you for what I have to do with myself for the next 45 minutes now

[Abaddon_ire]

Well I guess since you asked for opinions, here is my, probably unpopular around here, opinion...

Best option: Go to counseling and fight for your marriage. See a sexologist as well. She's not treating you badly, she's not abusive, she's not cheating on you, you claim to get along well. So, with those in place, stick with her "through better or worse" of the rest of it. You know, like you promised.

Crappy option: Divorce your best friend of 25 years because sex is lacking.

Crappiest option of them all: cheat on her.

Yup, I left that out, although I implied it I did not actually state it outright. For the record, I endorse this. My impression, rightly or wrongly, was that OP had already been down that road.

You are correct in so far as that if everything else works, then it is worthwhile, indeed necessary, to explore why it might be that intimacy is an issue. That might yield results. It has to be at least worth the attempt. Given my own circumstance familywise, I am fully aware that finding an appropriate counsellor is critical. Not every counsellor works with every person. Witness my eldest finding it difficult to find a useful therapist/counsellor.

[Joods]

And in that regard, I echo what others have said. If you decide to play offside before divorce, you will get destroyed in court.

Why would people go to court for a divorce?
Is that a murrican thing?

You have to file for the divorce. And the place you file is the courthouse. 

If it is a no contest type of divorce, generally, you still go to a hearing to just confirm to the judge that there are irreconcilable differences between both parties and the divorce is the only thing either want. No contest is also good if there are zero marital assets and zero children, or if there are zero assets and there is already a court-ordered custody agreement between the parties. Both parties can keep attorneys out of it by paying the filing fee and nothing more.

If it's messy, get a lawyer and get ready to pay out the ass for your freedom.