Divorce questions/thoughts

[Kosh]

I'm 50 yrs old and have been married for 25 years.  My wife and I have no children.  We both have good paying jobs with similar wages.  We work for the same organization so we have similar retirement benefits.  Marital property includes a home, and three vehicles.

The crux of the issue is that we have an intimacy issue.  We have for most of our married life.  In all other realms we are perfect for each other.  We get along, rarely argue, and have very similar social and political views.  I would even consider her my best friend.  We've talked about it in the past (she has also brought it up), but nothing ever changes.  Six years ago I got into very good shape hoping that it would spice things up a bit.  I really don't know if it made any difference to her.  One night years ago we were out and she had a few drinks.  She noticed the waitress checking me out, and said "You can have an affair if you want".  I played good husband and said I didn't want one.  I've never cheated on her even though I can count the number of times we've been intimate on one hand over the past decade plus.

Back around thanksgiving I decided to get myself back in shape for health reasons and to feel better. Shortly after starting, I came across something that hit me in the head like a 2x4.  I found a couple old letters that a High School girlfriend wrote me.  I didn't know they still existed, and I came across them quite by accident.  Back in the day we didn't text or Instagram, we wrote letters to each other.  My mother found the letters I had hidden, burned them, and forced me to stop seeing her.  These two letters escaped.  I hid them, and they've been hidden for 33 years.  This girl was not just any girl.  She was first love, and lost our virginity to each other.  I did a lot of soul searching.  Am I happy?   I'm comfortable, but that really isn't the same thing.

I found her fairly local, and I reached out.  She is single.  No children.  Not in a relationship.  I've seen her FB pictures and she's still the same beautiful girl I remember.  We've chatted on the phone quite a few times, and we have a date planned in a couple weeks.  I've been completely honest with her about my situation.  This is an excursion to test the waters.

I've spoken to friends about this.  At first they thought I should give my marriage a shot and try to work things out.  At this point I don't think forcing ourselves to have sex twice a week is really a viable option and seems a bit disingenuous.  I think we both see each other as comfortable roommates, but I've hit the point where that isn't enough.  I don't think I can will myself to fall back into romantic love.

I "think" my mind is made up.  If things go well on the date (not talking about sex), we'll see how things progress.  If we find that we still have that fire from long ago, I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce.   Have I lost my mind?

[Anomalocaris]

Since your wife is okay with your seeing other people, why don’t you try it out first?

[Little lunch]

Even if you don't have that fire from long ago, get a divorce anyway.
Then the new girl won't feel obligated to you, she may feel you've sacrificed everything for her and that adds unneeded pressure.
And if things do pan out with your old flame, take it slow and live like a single man for a while, get to know yourself again.
That way you won't transfer all your expectations of what a relationship should feel like.
This is just a suggestion based on what I think would work for me. :-)

[LastPoet]

I'm 50 yrs old and have been married for 25 years.  My wife and I have no children.  We both have good paying jobs with similar wages.  We work for the same organization so we have similar retirement benefits.  Marital property includes a home, and three vehicles.

The crux of the issue is that we have an intimacy issue.  We have for most of our married life.  In all other realms we are perfect for each other.  We get along, rarely argue, and have very similar social and political views.  I would even consider her my best friend.  We've talked about it in the past (she has also brought it up), but nothing ever changes.  Six years ago I got into very good shape hoping that it would spice things up a bit.  I really don't know if it made any difference to her.  One night years ago we were out and she had a few drinks.  She noticed the waitress checking me out, and said "You can have an affair if you want".  I played good husband and said I didn't want one.  I've never cheated on her even though I can count the number of times we've been intimate on one hand over the past decade plus.

Back around thanksgiving I decided to get myself back in shape for health reasons and to feel better. Shortly after starting, I came across something that hit me in the head like a 2x4.  I found a couple old letters that a High School girlfriend wrote me.  I didn't know they still existed, and I came across them quite by accident.  Back in the day we didn't text or Instagram, we wrote letters to each other.  My mother found the letters I had hidden, burned them, and forced me to stop seeing her.  These two letters escaped.  I hid them, and they've been hidden for 33 years.  This girl was not just any girl.  She was first love, and lost our virginity to each other.  I did a lot of soul searching.  Am I happy?   I'm comfortable, but that really isn't the same thing.

I found her fairly local, and I reached out.  She is single.  No children.  Not in a relationship.  I've seen her FB pictures and she's still the same beautiful girl I remember.  We've chatted on the phone quite a few times, and we have a date planned in a couple weeks.  I've been completely honest with her about my situation.  This is an excursion to test the waters.

I've spoken to friends about this.  At first they thought I should give my marriage a shot and try to work things out.  At this point I don't think forcing ourselves to have sex twice a week is really a viable option and seems a bit disingenuous.  I think we both see each other as comfortable roommates, but I've hit the point where that isn't enough.  I don't think I can will myself to fall back into romantic love.

I "think" my mind is made up.  If things go well on the date (not talking about sex), we'll see how things progress.  If we find that we still have that fire from long ago, I'm going to ask my wife for a divorce.   Have I lost my mind?

[brewer]

Go very slow and cautiously. There may be a very good reason why she is still single. A handful of dates does not make a relationship. 

If you go thru with the divorce, after, protect yourself financially.

[mlmooney89]

It sounds like you have tried with your marriage and if you are still unhappy I say get divorced. We only live once so why waste it? I don't know yalls relationship but if you are best friends maybe the divorce will be civil and end up with y'all still able to talk. The other woman shouldn't play a part in your decision and just be a plus if it works out.

[paulpablo]

You probably have a better grasp of the situation than anyone on a forum could since you have a first person perspective of all the complexities involved.

I would just say be careful because women can do that thing where they say it's ok you can do a particular thing, and tell you in a calm voice that it's fine.  Then go completely crazy when you actually do that thing.  Like it's just a test.

Also the problem I see with being just friends with exes or with a woman who is your wife in this instance, is that friends talk about what they have been doing, about their romantic relationships sometimes and in my case I'll talk about sex with my friends.  If your wife becomes just your roommate/friend does this mean you could imagine a point where you're going for a romantic walk in the park with this other woman and you'll feel comfortable having an honest conversation with wife and telling her all about it.

[GUBU]

Since your wife is okay with your seeing other people, why don’t you try it out first?

Not the best idea in my opinion. It's one thing to say something is ok, much different to experience it.

[LastPoet]

It sounds like you have tried with your marriage and if you are still unhappy I say get divorced. We only live once so why waste it? I don't know yalls relationship but if you are best friends maybe the divorce will be civil and end up with y'all still able to talk. The other woman shouldn't play a part in your decision and just be a plus if it works out.

There are many sexy women in teh world.

If I ever said that to my wife.... nope, I like to be un castrated or somethin.

[Shell B]

Personally, I'd get the divorce before having the date because you don't want to lead someone on and then decide you want your comfortable roommate for life. That said, maybe your wife really meant you could have an affair and she wouldn't mind. If high school lady is cool with it, then that's an option. It's my humble opinion that dating while divorcing really fucks with your emotions. I speak from experience on both sides (the divorcing person and the person dating a divorcing person).

Either way, good luck.