When your self is expressed in a single webpage. . .

[bennyboy]

[brewer]

Wow, you should be very proud!

(shit, I'm feeding you)

[bennyboy]

Wow, you should be very proud!

(shit, I'm feeding you)

No, not proud.  It was just uncanny how close a match it was. . . very interesting, really.

It also means that I can learn more about it, and take steps.  I'm excited about that possibility.


--edit--

Oh wait. . . I see what you did there!

[Rev. Rye]

[bennyboy]

[Rev. Rye]

[Homeless Nutter]

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality...tic-supply

I can't imagine writing a better summary of myself than this person has.  It really ties all the loose ends together.

Reads like a good synopsis of the show Bojack Horseman. You might want to give it a look if you haven't yet, especially if you really feel you can relate to what the article describes. It's also a great show.

In my relentless search for self-diagnosis I've come across Sam Vaknin (the author of the article) before. He has a book and a number of Youtube videos on the subject,  which seem to be painting the same picture. He's a diagnosed narcissist himself and clearly spent a lot of time researching and thinking about his condition (which is probably typical of a narcissist), although I don't think he's got any formal background in mental health-care. What I've noticed is that he does try really hard to connect everything he's presumably been through to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, often explaining diametrically different, or even mutually exclusive patterns of behavior and thinking. Which might be correct, at least in some cases, but it also makes his descriptions very relatable. For example: 

The narcissist believes that, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail and triumph, always come on top.

But in the next paragraph:

With equal certitude, the more self-aware narcissist knows that he will squander this good fortune time and again - a painful experience best avoided.

So you can be fearless and unrealistically optimistic, or you can be suffering from paralyzing pessimism and fear of failure - you're a narcissist either way. If  you love yourself - you have NPD, if you hate yourself - you have NPD.

Many people have narcissistic traits, without having that particular disorder, especially that our media- and celebrity-obsessed society seems to promote and reward narcissistic behavior. On the other hand, I'm quite certain, that narcissism can mask itself as a variety of different conditions, in order for the narcissist to preserve a positive - or at least somewhat more charitable - self-image.

[bennyboy]

Yes, I've watched Bojack, and like it.

I noticed what you're saying about that article, but actually I think that conflict represents me well-- IMO it's not mutually exclusive, it's more like different faces of the same fundamental issue.

My life pretty much reads like a case study of that entire page. When I was young, I had all kinds of special privileges and opportunities given to me, largely because of my confidence. In high school, I worked on a boat making $20 / hr (1990 dollars, mind you). I was a sales manager just before 19, went to college and got invited to Masters' classes outside my discipline, got offered a plane ticket and free rent to work in Korea straight out of college. If I followed up on ANY of those great chances, just one would probably have set me on a pretty good path for life.

But I also have an allergy to following through. As soon as I got any recognition for anything, I had to try something new. It's like as I near completion on a project, the world starts weighing down heavier and heavier. I quit my sales job, which saw me make like $50k still in my teens, because I had a dream about playing piano-- which I couldn't. So I quit the job and practiced piano 8 hours a day to get into college, transferred to a top university in Canada on a great recommendation from my profs, and ended up a moderately popular local composer and one of the youngest TAs-- but as soon as I started getting invited to seminars and stuff, I got cold feet and fucked off to Korea. Same thing-- learned programming on my own, made the framework for a phone game, and just had to design levels for it-- literally about 10% of the overall work-- but put that on the backburner, and saw a very similar game come out and do well. (There are videos around here somewhere of a different game I was making in the form of a tutorial series)

If I talk about all the chances I've had, it look very much like hubris. You can see that above. But what's less clear is the deep regret and serious depression, as I struggle to get myself to really achieve any lasting success in anything. I'm pretty sure it's because at the top of any field, you have to commit 100%, and that's something I can't do-- I can't open myself to any arena where I'll risk rejection-- not of the clown face I wear when I'm half-assing things, but the real me. Terrifying. So I have this burning compulsive need to show I'm special-- and an almost total ability to put myself in a situation where my worth might be judged, rendering most of the work I do moot.

This is my current goal-- to finish any project, even a small one, to full completion, and put it out there for criticism. I'll be putting up a couple piano songs soon, and I'm hoping just the act of putting them out for critique will help me to get over that anxiety-- that worry that I might try my best at something and not be considered special in any way at all.

[Rev. Rye]

[bennyboy]