When your self is expressed in a single webpage. . .

[bennyboy]

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality...tic-supply

I can't imagine writing a better summary of myself than this person has. It really ties all the loose ends together.

[brewer]

Wow, you should be very proud!

(shit, I'm feeding you)

[bennyboy]

Wow, you should be very proud!

(shit, I'm feeding you)

No, not proud.  It was just uncanny how close a match it was. . . very interesting, really.

It also means that I can learn more about it, and take steps.  I'm excited about that possibility.


--edit--

Oh wait. . . I see what you did there!

[Rev. Rye]

Well, here's mine.

https://www.redbubble.com/people/4wex/wo...t&size=xxl

[bennyboy]

Well, here's mine.

https://www.redbubble.com/people/4wex/works/15837231-born-to-die-world-a-fuck?body_color=white&p=t-shirt&size=xxl

You just like it because it's white!

Asian slogans, tho. There was once a brand of banana-flavored milk here with the slogan, "If you were a trendsetter, you would drink this." I can only imagine what the Korean version said. God, I wish I kept it!

[Rev. Rye]

Well, here's mine.

https://www.redbubble.com/people/4wex/works/15837231-born-to-die-world-a-fuck?body_color=white&p=t-shirt&size=xxl

You just like it because it's white!

Asian slogans, tho.  There was once a brand of banana-flavored milk here with the slogan, "If you were a trendsetter, you would drink this."  I can only imagine what the Korean version said.  God, I wish I kept it!

If the black version had it in white text and drawing, I'd have picked that in a heartbeat. Also, while we're on the subject, I think the 鬼神 on the third line means "ghosts and spirits," but, given the nature of the language, I'm not totally ruling out Wiktionary possibly being wrong about that. Still doesn't make any more sense than anything else on the shirt.

[Homeless Nutter]

https://www.healthyplace.com/personality...tic-supply

I can't imagine writing a better summary of myself than this person has.  It really ties all the loose ends together.

Reads like a good synopsis of the show Bojack Horseman. You might want to give it a look if you haven't yet, especially if you really feel you can relate to what the article describes. It's also a great show.

In my relentless search for self-diagnosis I've come across Sam Vaknin (the author of the article) before. He has a book and a number of Youtube videos on the subject,  which seem to be painting the same picture. He's a diagnosed narcissist himself and clearly spent a lot of time researching and thinking about his condition (which is probably typical of a narcissist), although I don't think he's got any formal background in mental health-care. What I've noticed is that he does try really hard to connect everything he's presumably been through to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, often explaining diametrically different, or even mutually exclusive patterns of behavior and thinking. Which might be correct, at least in some cases, but it also makes his descriptions very relatable. For example: 

The narcissist believes that, no matter what he does, he will always be forgiven, always prevail and triumph, always come on top.

But in the next paragraph:

With equal certitude, the more self-aware narcissist knows that he will squander this good fortune time and again - a painful experience best avoided.

So you can be fearless and unrealistically optimistic, or you can be suffering from paralyzing pessimism and fear of failure - you're a narcissist either way. If  you love yourself - you have NPD, if you hate yourself - you have NPD.

Many people have narcissistic traits, without having that particular disorder, especially that our media- and celebrity-obsessed society seems to promote and reward narcissistic behavior. On the other hand, I'm quite certain, that narcissism can mask itself as a variety of different conditions, in order for the narcissist to preserve a positive - or at least somewhat more charitable - self-image.

[bennyboy]

Yes, I've watched Bojack, and like it.

I noticed what you're saying about that article, but actually I think that conflict represents me well-- IMO it's not mutually exclusive, it's more like different faces of the same fundamental issue.

My life pretty much reads like a case study of that entire page. When I was young, I had all kinds of special privileges and opportunities given to me, largely because of my confidence. In high school, I worked on a boat making $20 / hr (1990 dollars, mind you). I was a sales manager just before 19, went to college and got invited to Masters' classes outside my discipline, got offered a plane ticket and free rent to work in Korea straight out of college. If I followed up on ANY of those great chances, just one would probably have set me on a pretty good path for life.

But I also have an allergy to following through. As soon as I got any recognition for anything, I had to try something new. It's like as I near completion on a project, the world starts weighing down heavier and heavier. I quit my sales job, which saw me make like $50k still in my teens, because I had a dream about playing piano-- which I couldn't. So I quit the job and practiced piano 8 hours a day to get into college, transferred to a top university in Canada on a great recommendation from my profs, and ended up a moderately popular local composer and one of the youngest TAs-- but as soon as I started getting invited to seminars and stuff, I got cold feet and fucked off to Korea. Same thing-- learned programming on my own, made the framework for a phone game, and just had to design levels for it-- literally about 10% of the overall work-- but put that on the backburner, and saw a very similar game come out and do well. (There are videos around here somewhere of a different game I was making in the form of a tutorial series)

If I talk about all the chances I've had, it look very much like hubris. You can see that above. But what's less clear is the deep regret and serious depression, as I struggle to get myself to really achieve any lasting success in anything. I'm pretty sure it's because at the top of any field, you have to commit 100%, and that's something I can't do-- I can't open myself to any arena where I'll risk rejection-- not of the clown face I wear when I'm half-assing things, but the real me. Terrifying. So I have this burning compulsive need to show I'm special-- and an almost total ability to put myself in a situation where my worth might be judged, rendering most of the work I do moot.

This is my current goal-- to finish any project, even a small one, to full completion, and put it out there for criticism. I'll be putting up a couple piano songs soon, and I'm hoping just the act of putting them out for critique will help me to get over that anxiety-- that worry that I might try my best at something and not be considered special in any way at all.

[Rev. Rye]

I think I figured out the meaning behind that T-shirt:



It's about the futility of bringing about change in a world where the structures of oppression are so entwined in everything.

BORN TO DIE
The vast majority of us will, in the words of Appolonius of Tyana (or at least Charles Beaumont and Ben Hecht), " be buried and forgotten, and that is all. And for all the good or evil, creation or destruction, your living might have accomplished, you might just as well never have lived at all." And then, on top of that, in the meantime, many of us will suffer oppression based on stuff that is either A) trivial in a vacuum, B) an immutable characteristic that cannot be changed, or C) both.

WORLD IS A FUCK
Pretty self-explanatory, really. A statement that the conditions in the first line are unfair.

鬼神 Kill Em All 1989
Well, the 鬼神 means "Ghosts and spirits," as established earlier, but what does that mean. Perhaps it's related to the "Kill Em All." And how you should kill even their spirits. And who is "Em?" Why, the powers that be that keep us down. But, of course, you take down one major source of oppression, new ones will easily rise up and replace them. 1989 is because, well, I was born then, so why not? Or else it might have something to do with Taylor Swift, who was also born the same year (and indeed, the day before I was), and went from being just another barefoot country girl singer to the top pop singer in the world with the album 1989. The shamelessness of "Shake it Off" might have something to do with it.

I am trash man
Why does a person adopt a name like "[insert noun/adjective here]Man?" Because they're trying to be superheroes. And now, people are taking the identities that the larger society tossed aside like so much trash and using it to try and defeat the forces of evil. And what does that mean?

410.757,864,530 DEAD COPS
It's no coincidence that police are one of the major targets of this great uprising; they're the servants of the people in power, and it's incredibly well-documented that they themselves abuse their power. And how many cops need to be destroyed? 410,757,864,530. You may notice that this is an extraordinarily high number. High enough that it's more than the number of people estimated to have even been born at all. And thus, it's clear that our attempts at resistance are futile.

And the dog and cat palling around in the top image? Well, I think this clip explains it all:

[bennyboy]

lol right away I thought it was a Metallica reference. But the Kill 'Em All album wasn't released in 1989, so. . .

but then I found this:
https://www.ebay.com/p/Metallica-Kill-Em...89/3959408

wtaf? What does it MEAN?