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Pitch ideas for Christian movies
#1
Pitch ideas for Christian movies
Really, can you pitch ideas for those Christian movies produced by Pure Flix and similar Christian movie companies?

Idea: a woman who is an "anti abortion" activist, gets in the abortion clinic just as a doctor is about to perform the procedure on a woman who has her legs stretched wide and she grabs that woman's vagina in the last moment that the doctor drills her hand a bit. Anyway, she is holding this woman's vagina and won't let go for two months until it becomes illegal for this woman to abort and they get to know each other and become friends. In the sequel they both grab a vagina.

Idea: Jewish boy dies for three hours and meets Jesus in heaven. Then he comes back to life and converts to Christianity. Needless to say his family turns against him but he persuades them to convert as well. As each of the members of the family gets converted to Christianity he/ she gets healed from cancer, depression, AIDS and other ailments that plague only the non Christians.

Idea: Christians take a baby from a Jewish family and raise it as a Christian, but then secularists find out and put Christian couple on trial for kidnapping. During the trial, and in spite the fact that persecutor is an atheist who has the body language of a devil, jurors and the public realize that Christians didn't do anything wrong, but that by exposing the baby to Jesus and Sunday school they saved it and offered it much better (moral) life, not to mention saved it from Hell.

# A prayer group of soccer moms discovers that their prayers really heal people, but it's the doctors in hospitals that make them sick and ultimately kill them. So they have to convince people that they must stop going to the doctors, that medicine doesn't work but that they need to pray and have faith in Jesus and he will heal them.

# group of Christians in a small town discover that, indeed, it is the storks who bring babies and that satan fooled people, through pornography, that babies come from sex so that they would mock God by showing their nude bodies to other person and, even worse, rub each other's unmentionables.
And it's not just the porn industry that is involved, but fashion industry as well: by involving women into the first of the seven deadly sins -- the pride -- so that when women get fat they invent the lie that they're pregnant instead of admitting they're fat, and wait for the stork to bring the baby.
Which all also brings people closer to Biblical "truths" as it makes more sense that a virgin could conceive and give birth.

# movie that portrays inquisition as a good thing because those witches and warlocks really existed. In the main focus is a present day older woman who tells her grandchildren how there are no witches to eat them because they were killed off centuries ago, but it is the secularists who insist it was a crime. Then she tells them a story about the last witch that may have escaped by barricading herself in a stone tomb (to escape later) because secularists didn't allow witch hunters to kill her, as Bible commands. Kids find the hidden tomb and discover that she was smashed to death, after all, with a big massive sharpened crucifix.

# the exorcism squad in Iraq that is going around and healing muslims from Islam into healthy Christianity and therefore making them peaceful, which then grows into full blown trilogy of movies where angels fight on the side of the American soldiers against Muslim forces and demons who fight on their side.
The first movie ends with a US army general finding Garden of Eden and getting a flaming sword from the angel guarding it there and then slaughtering myriads of heavily armed muslims before being taken to heaven himself.
The second movie is the one where Muslims from all over the world (like Pakistan and Turkey) unite to fight in Middle East against the followers of Jesus.
The third movie ends with coming of Jesus in Iraq, in what looks like his big second coming, but is actually to establish new sacred Christian nation in Iraq with all Muslims in the world converting to Christianity.
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#2
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
Just try to make a live action recreation of some of the stories in the old testament. They did it with Noah. Try doing it for the army that goes into town, kills everyone except the young girls, and drags them home afterwards. They'd probably have to spend so much time portraying the villagers as the most evil people on the planet to get it across that the invaders are supposed to be good guys.
Poe's Law: "Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing."

10 Christ-like figures that predate Jesus. Link shortened to Chris ate Jesus for some reason...
http://listverse.com/2009/04/13/10-chris...ate-jesus/

Good video to watch, if you want to know how common the Jesus story really is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=88GTUXvp-50

A list of biblical contradictions from the infallible word of Yahweh.
http://infidels.org/library/modern/jim_m...tions.html

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#3
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
"Once Upon A Time"
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#4
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
In The Name Of The Father

A documentary about the life of priests and boys you love them.
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#5
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
The Godsfather

Jesus refuses to give Loki the lead in the new war picture, so he wakes up with a goat's head in his bed, courtesy of Odin.

Boru
'A man is accepted into a church for what he believes.  He is turned out for what he knows.' - Mark Twain
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#6
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
Burn them all and execute all those who would be involved in making them.
Sanity adjacent.


Angel





IMGUR 
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#7
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: Really, can you pitch ideas for those Christian movies produced by Pure Flix and similar Christian movie companies?
These are my (premature) reviews of them. They ain't good.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: Idea: a woman who is an "anti abortion" activist, gets in the abortion clinic just as a doctor is about to perform the procedure on a woman who has her legs stretched wide and she grabs that woman's vagina in the last moment that the doctor drills her hand a bit. Anyway, she is holding this woman's vagina and won't let go for two months until it becomes illegal for this woman to abort and they get to know each other and become friends. In the sequel they both grab a vagina.
A story that abandons any moral ethic about bodily autonomy and empowers imprisonment ideals and the Stockholm Syndrome.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: Idea: Jewish boy dies for three hours and meets Jesus in heaven. Then he comes back to life and converts to Christianity. Needless to say his family turns against him but he persuades them to convert as well. As each of the members of the family gets converted to Christianity he/ she gets healed from cancer, depression, AIDS and other ailments that plague only the non Christians.
The entire field of  medicine wants a chat with you about harmful neglect and the spread of misinformation.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: Idea: Christians take a baby from a Jewish family and raise it as a Christian, but then secularists find out and put Christian couple on trial for kidnapping. During the trial, and in spite the fact that persecutor is an atheist who has the body language of a devil, jurors and the public realize that Christians didn't do anything wrong, but that by exposing the baby to Jesus and Sunday school they saved it and offered it much better (moral) life, not to mention saved it from Hell.
Morality turned on its head ... and glorified as such.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: # A prayer group of soccer moms discovers that their prayers really heal people, but it's the doctors in hospitals that make them sick and ultimately kill them. So they have to convince people that they must stop going to the doctors, that medicine doesn't work but that they need to pray and have faith in Jesus and he will heal them.
I wonder if the director was taking crazy pills.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: # group of Christians in a small town discover that, indeed, it is the storks who bring babies and that satan fooled people, through pornography, that babies come from sex so that they would mock God by showing their nude bodies to other person and, even worse, rub each other's unmentionables.
And it's not just the porn industry that is involved, but fashion industry as well: by involving women into the first of the seven deadly sins -- the pride -- so that when women get fat they invent the lie that they're pregnant instead of admitting they're fat, and wait for the stork to bring the baby.
Which all also brings people closer to Biblical "truths" as it makes more sense that a virgin could conceive and give birth.
Cartoonishly bad and is able to make flat Earthers, holoists, crystal healers, etc. seem like the intelligent people they believe themselves to be.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: # movie that portrays inquisition as a good thing because those witches and warlocks really existed. In the main focus is a present day older woman who tells her grandchildren how there are no witches to eat them because they were killed off centuries ago, but it is the secularists who insist it was a crime. Then she tells them a story about the last witch that may have escaped by barricading herself in a stone tomb (to escape later) because secularists didn't allow witch hunters to kill her, as Bible commands. Kids find the hidden tomb and discover that she was smashed to death, after all, with a big massive sharpened crucifix.
A Christian take on vampyrism, but bad.

(June 23, 2019 at 1:37 pm)Fake Messiah Wrote: # the exorcism squad in Iraq that is going around and healing muslims from Islam into healthy Christianity and therefore making them peaceful, which then grows into full blown trilogy of movies where angels fight on the side of the American soldiers against Muslim forces and demons who fight on their side.
The first movie ends with a US army general finding Garden of Eden and getting a flaming sword from the angel guarding it there and then slaughtering myriads of heavily armed muslims before being taken to heaven himself.
The second movie is the one where Muslims from all over the world (like Pakistan and Turkey) unite to fight in Middle East against the followers of Jesus.
The third movie ends with coming of Jesus in Iraq, in what looks like his big second coming, but is actually to establish new sacred Christian nation in Iraq with all Muslims in the world converting to Christianity.
1st movie: We never get to see where this Eden is supposed to be, only good thing was the wicked CGI sword, rest was hogwash.
2nd movie: Glorifies persecution. No CGI.
3rd movie: Dangerously promotes an ideology of warmongering.

---

For my own idea, as a spin-off: A 3 story arch where an atheist, a muslim and a jew die and all go to Hell, before being resuscitated and brought back to the world of the living and tell their tale of the grim afterlife of the Christian Hell, converting many people to Christianity but are challenged by evil liberals.

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool." - Richard P. Feynman

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#8
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
(June 23, 2019 at 7:28 pm)Sal Wrote: These are my (premature) reviews of them. They ain't good.

And what, now you're forcing me into DVD extras-type behind the scenes explanations.

(June 23, 2019 at 7:28 pm)Sal Wrote: The entire field of  medicine wants a chat with you about harmful neglect and the spread of misinformation.

That's what most Christians believe, at least according to Christian movies, that they will get healed by praying and believing.

For instance at the beginning of "God's Not Dead 2" an atheist girl turned Christian finds out that her cancer miraculously disappeared.
Or if you go to IMDb you'll see a new Christian movie coming out soon called "The Other Side of Heaven 2: Fire of Faith" and read how it's described: Missionary John H. Groberg returns to Tonga in the 1960s with his wife and their five young daughters. When their sixth child is born with a serious illness, the Grobergs face their ultimate test of faith, only to find themselves surrounded by the love and prayers of thousands of Tongans. Barriers of inter religious strife are soon broken down as all unite in hopes of a miracle that will save the baby's life, as well as the life of a Tongan minister's son.

(June 23, 2019 at 7:28 pm)Sal Wrote: Morality turned on its head ... and glorified as such.

That "movie" is a RIP-off of another Christian movie which synopsis goes:

Three pregnant women are kidnapped from abortion clinics and held for seven months until they all give birth. Seven years later, those who held the women have been arrested, admitting to their deeds. They have been brought to trial, and now the jury deliberates their fate. But did they actually commit a crime by holding this women for seven months - and saving the baby's life? All jurors immediately vote guilty-except one... What ensues is a jury room battle, where the lone juror tries to convince the others that no crime has been committed. That life was preserved and that there would be no justice in convicting those who held her. It's a daunting task because the others believe that the law is cut and dry. There was indeed a kidnapping... But is holding a woman against her will - to prevent an abortion - actually a crime? Twelve Angry Men and Women examines this incredibly divisive issue 


And real events of kidnapping children, like kidnapping of Edgardo Mortara or when Christians kidnapped Native American children to make them into Christians.
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#9
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
Sticks and Stones
In which a good Christian man stones his gay neighbors to death. But the Anti-Christian police force isn't having any of that! They charge the good Christian man with MURDER! There's a big trial, and the prosecutor -- who is an atheist, and LITERALLY THE DEVIL -- pushes for life in prison. The Newsboys and Duck Dynasty get involved and they prove Jesus existed by saying the the bible says he exists, and the bible says it is true, so therefore Jesus did exist, and therefore it's okay to kill homosexuals. The good Christian man is set free by the jury of Christians while the atheist prosecutor is raped by a muslim and then her body is dumped in a river as everyone has a good laugh about how she's in hell.

Sticks and Stones 2
A Good Christian Woman finds out that her sister was raped in the city, but did not scream. She refuses to marry her rapist, so the good Christian woman stones her sister to death. The woman's atheist father is outraged, but he gets cancer. The police have the audacity to investigate the case of her sister's death as a MURDER when it was clearly a RELIGIOUS RITE. The evil Atheist ACLU pushes back against it, but they all get hit by cars. Eventually the community protests, along with the Newsboys, Duck Dynasty, and Bill O'Reilly, and the police stop investigating the case of the murder.

Sticks and Stones 3
In a small town in Alabama (Where else?) several bodies are found in a dumpster. Police investigate it, and believe it to be the work of a serial killer. But it's no serial killer! those people were WORKING ON THE SABBATH. Unfortunately for the good christian, he is put on trial and found guilty by a jury of atheists and muslims. There are protests, but the serial... err good Christian is sentenced to death. But with the help of Roy Moore, Duck Dynasty, the Newsboys, and Jerry Falwell Jr, they're able to convince Governor Kay Ivey to grant a full pardon before stepping down because she's a woman and she shouldn't be given any power. Oh and don't worry about the jury, once the good Christian is released, he murders them all, along with the judge, the prosecutor, and the prosecutors 2 children under the age of 7. Their bodies are strung up at the newsboys concert as the credits roll.
The whole tone of Church teaching in regard to woman is, to the last degree, contemptuous and degrading. - Elizabeth Cady Stanton
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#10
RE: Pitch ideas for Christian movies
God creates defective humans and then punishes them for being defective. Lots of blood and gore.
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