Posts: 4196
Threads: 60
Joined: September 8, 2011
Reputation:
30
RE: joke time
May 10, 2016 at 8:44 pm
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
Posts: 69247
Threads: 3759
Joined: August 2, 2009
Reputation:
259
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 2:46 pm
Quote:A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.
Posts: 46323
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 5:54 pm
That last reminds me of the Benny Hill skit:
Wife: 'My mum says I've got the body of a nineteen year old!'
Husband: 'Give it back, you're getting it all wrinkled.'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 30726
Threads: 2123
Joined: May 24, 2012
Reputation:
71
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 6:43 pm
Why was the porn star fired? Because they were always blowing it. Hey, gotta have variety.
Posts: 5690
Threads: 8
Joined: April 3, 2014
Reputation:
68
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 7:12 pm
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.
-Cole's Law.
Posts: 5690
Threads: 8
Joined: April 3, 2014
Reputation:
68
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 7:13 pm
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE MATEY.
Posts: 5690
Threads: 8
Joined: April 3, 2014
Reputation:
68
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 7:18 pm
A guy walks into a convenience store and grabs a single-serve meal, a single serve-drink and a single-serve dessert.
He goes up to the counter to pay and the woman behind the counter says, 'let me guess, you're single?'
He says, 'Yeah, how could you tell?'
And she says, 'Because you're really fucking ugly.'
Posts: 46323
Threads: 540
Joined: July 24, 2013
Reputation:
109
RE: joke time
May 11, 2016 at 7:49 pm
Parched after a long day of inter-tribal bitching, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman head to the local for a pint. Just as they raise their glasses, a fly lands in each one.
The Englishman takes one look at the fly, and promptly vomits into his bowler hat.
The Scotsman shrugs, flicks the fly off the foam, and calmly proceeds to drink.
The Irishman picks up his fly between thumb and forefinger and shrieks, 'SPIT IT OUT, YA FECKING BASTARD!!'
Boru
‘I can’t be having with this.’ - Esmeralda Weatherwax
Posts: 30726
Threads: 2123
Joined: May 24, 2012
Reputation:
71
RE: joke time
May 12, 2016 at 9:19 pm
(This post was last modified: May 12, 2016 at 9:22 pm by Brian37.)
For the old fogies in America who remember "Pepperidge Farms"
Parody I made up..... (old grandfather voice)
Remember that layer cake that your Grandma used to bake? Remember how she used to sneeze in the batter, but you still ate the cake anyway because you didn't want to hurt grandma's feelings?
Well, Pepperidge Farms remembers. We have 18 authorized grandmas who sneeze big chunky snot into your cake. Only the best colds will do.
Posts: 4196
Threads: 60
Joined: September 8, 2011
Reputation:
30
RE: joke time
May 12, 2016 at 10:11 pm
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo"
He grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.
-- Homer Simpson
God has no place within these walls, just as facts have no place within organized religion.
-- Superintendent Chalmers
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders
Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy
|
