Some unexpected spina bifida-related digestive woes. Not sure how it'll impact my day yet.

I slept hard and late, which seems like a good thing, but I don't know.

(July 5, 2016 at 8:13 am)robvalue Wrote: I thought I was getting over these pills.

Maybe I have. It's hard to know now whether it's just residual depression. I'm suspecting it might be.

I'm lacking the motivation to do very much. I'm not hardly enjoying anything I do. They just seem to be things to do, to keep insanity from the gate. The only thing I crave and actually enjoy right now is having good company, conversation and hugs. I'm lucky I've met a lot of people who fit the bill here, I just wish I lived closer to my wonderful friends.

There is one other thing I want to do though, and that's support other people who are also suffering. When someone needs me, I seem to grow extra strength, physically and mentally. I rise to it, and it's one of the only pure feelings of worth and joy I can experience these days. I used to do it on a helpline for a while, but it proved a bit too much for me.

Rob, if you ever want to talk to someone who has been around that block many times and has seen the light at the end of the tunnel and found it to NOT be the headlamp of the oncoming train, feel free to PM me. Sometimes just having someone to vent to helps - someone who has been there.

Anxious, since yesterday afternoon or so.

Anxiety is a pretty reliable bellwether that a manic episode is on the horizon. I also had other reasons to feel I was starting to get hypomanic - which feels pretty good in the early stages, not so much in the later ones.

I was uncharacteristically cross with Kitty when she got home from her evening shift (irritability is another one of my bellwethers for a manic episode). It's hard to explain but I was and am definitely on an upschwong to a manic episode. If I can keep a lid on it, great, nothing like mania to help in the getting-shit-done category - if you can avoid the shit-filled baggage that comes along with it.

Couldn't sleep for shit, finally took an Ativan at 2am and got maybe two-three hours of bad sleep. I've been sleeping so poorly / inconsistently lately that my recollection of the passage of time on week scales doesn't seem very trustworthy.

I've made dozens of attempts to try and journal so I can keep track of such things, but it's not something I am good at following through on.

What bugs me is that I can't identify the direct cause of my anxiety. I suppose it could be fallout from grief over losing Dashiell on the 25th. Don't know.

It's a little disconcerting because it's the most significant / longest duration anxiety I have felt since I was hospitalized for it last December. It's nowhere near as intense, thankfully, and I'm going to try and treat it and not worry about it for a change.

I feel tired, sick and stressed out and like I don't have time for real life right now. But I also feel like my brake light cover thingy fell off and my oil needs to be changed and I still don't have a Georgia driver's license or license plate and my old plate is going to expire next month and I could keep going but I'm sure you're already starting to get bored.

Tomorrow I have to get a friend to drive me to my second job and hang out waiting in case I'm not ok. Gotta suck it up and make some extra money. I'm glad I didn't try to do this during the school year at least.

I hope you feel better soon, kittencorn.

CD: Thank you very much, I appreciate it

Losty: I'm very sorry You can always vent to me as much as you like!

Reading Rob, Becca, MCB, Dreaming, Losty, Bella, and C172... I think we all need a nap. Hope you all feel better and rested soon. 

Things I said in the past have come to bite me in the ass in the present day. I'm having to do damage control. Also, I have this feeling that each day I dig a deeper hole. I feel things can't get any worse, and then they do. I find that I lack energy to respond to messages, serve myself water, laugh at jokes, or turn off the lights. I'm a robot with a missing robotty thingy button. I just want to sleep for days.

I'm so lucky to have my friends. You guys are patient. Thank you. Best support I could hope for.

We have a potluck at work tomorrow. Everyone suggested I take tacos. I wonder why? heh.

Tired.

Just trying to stay out of drama.

(July 6, 2016 at 12:16 am)Maelstrom Wrote:

Adorable! :3