A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah huvnae found him.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah huvnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Naw, ye sure this is where the cunt fell in?'

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells  her that 
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states  that
she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," 
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling  you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."

(December 2, 2016 at 12:28 pm)Minimalist Wrote: Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells  her that 
her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states  that
she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks," 
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling  you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Frank, the dwarf."

And then she was fired for using a non-PC term for a little person.

A word of warning, this one's a bit rude.

An Aussie guy was walking through Kings Cross one day when he spots a guy pushing a pie cart.  The cart has in huge letters on both sides the words, CUNT PIES, ONLY $2! 

Amused, he thinks, "geez I'm starving, I might try one of these out, they're only two bucks, what can I lose? So he gives the Pie Man $2 and has a huge bite into it.  He immediately spits it out on the road and says, "fuck man, they taste like shit! The Pie Man says, "sorry, mate, you must have taken too big a bite!

Why do penguins jump when they first meet?

To break the ice.

Billy: What do tuna fish, a piano and glue have in common?
Bob: You got me.
Billy: You can tuna a piano but you can’t piano a tuna.
Bob: Hardy har har. Okay, where does glue come in?
Billy: I knew you’d get stuck on that one.

Did you know that penguins have a funeral ritual?

When a penguin dies his friends gather round. A few scratch at the ice until they create a shallow grave. They lay the deceased into the grave and cover him with ice. Then they form a circle and sing "Freeze a jolly good fellow..."

(December 11, 2016 at 1:11 am)Firefighter01 Wrote: A word of warning, this one's a bit rude.

An Aussie guy was walking through Kings Cross one day when he spots a guy pushing a pie cart.  The cart has in huge letters on both sides the words, CUNT PIES, ONLY $2! 

Amused, he thinks, "geez I'm starving, I might try one of these out, they're only two bucks, what can I lose? So he gives the Pie Man $2 and has a huge bite into it.  He immediately spits it out on the road and says, "fuck man, they taste like shit! The Pie Man says, "sorry, mate, you must have taken too big a bite!

Alternative ending- "Turn it over!"

Sargent: Alright, Mugsy, we know whoever was in the kitchen with Dinah was strumming on the old banjo. That leads to you, Mugsy, you.
Mugsy: You can’t pin that on me. I’m innocent, I tell you. I’ve got an alibi. I was working on the railroad all the live long day, so I couldn’t have done it.
Sergeant: Oh, the railroad? Just to pass the time away, eh, Mugsy? Fee fye fiddy, I owe you a trip to Alcatraz

A preacher was driving home after a long first Sunday of preaching four sermons, baby dedications, baptism and a bible study to boot. He was bone tired and fell asleep at the wheel, ran off the road and slammed into a tree. A cop came up to see if he was all right.
Cop: You all right, Reverend?
Preacher: I’m fine. I’ve got God in here with me.
Cop: well you better let him out before you kill him.